Thank You All...

... for your comments, your virtual hugs, your care and concern. 

Thanks for the emails, and the offers to be a listening ear. 

In a nutshell, the deal is this :

I need to remember that this is temporary. No matter how much I love him and want him to be mine, it isn't something that will happen. 

So why did we do this?

Because it was supposed to make me stronger, build me up, help me realise who I am and arm myself with integrity and self worth and confidence to go out there in the big bad world and make smarter choices about the men I date while searching for The One. 

Erm - we didn't count on TTWD and our D/s dynamic to bring us as close to each other as it did. In the end I think we found a place where we both needed each other more than we cared to admit. 

On my part, I let myself forget. I latched on to the hope that maybe somewhere sometime there might be a slim possibility that we'd be together. And I was looking at that little 1% so intently I completely ignored the 99% glaring back at me - you know, the part that yelled "It's Not Going To Happen!"

OK, I learned something about myself (rather, finally admitted it to myself) over the 6-hour sit-down and dinner I had with one of my nearest and dearest friends tonight: I need to have someone to share my affections with. To rattle on about my day with. To have little anecdotes to share with. I'm at my most fulfilled when I'm "with" someone. Sad, but true. I've been single and free and obligation-less. And those were the times I felt the most empty. 

So - the right thing to do is end it, be single, date, and hopefully find someone worthy of the wonderful person that I am (*ahem*) - but if that doesn't happen, and I'm not attached, I'll be miserable.

Instead, and if you want to roll your eyeballs, go right ahead, I'm going to leave things the way they are WHILE I date. I just have to remember to date. And not get complacent and be happy with just BIKSS.

I suppose part of the reason I stopped canvasing the dating scene was cos I felt it would hurt him - under normal circumstances that's what the expected norms would be for a couple involved in a relationship! But then, given the situation we're in, I think the very concept of "norms" is moot.

And so, my love, one day you will have to let me go, because you have to. I wish it isn't so, but you and I both know that's our reality. So in the meantime, you shall just have to be strong for me and let me cling on to you for comfort while I navigate through the waters of the dating game. 

You admitted a part of the problem was your selfishness - you didn't want to tell me that we had to stop this because you love me and you love being with me. I forgive you, for it is my turn to be selfish and keep you close while I do what I must so that I can, one day, let you go. 

[Addendum]

Since I posted this we've talked some more and then some more. And it seems there has been a bit of a confusion as to what we both thought the other person thought. And there was some pre-empting of doing and saying what we thought was the "right" thing when really what we should have been talking about was what we actually felt / thought.

I feel that since I've been so emo, and that all of you have rallied round to offer support and hugs, I owe it to you to explain now that things have been sorted out some.

The realisation that hit me yesterday is very real - it exists. Chances are good he will never be 100% mine.

But I was working under the assumption that there was a time limit to our relationship - a year, or two, or five... who knows.

BIKSS, however, has been happy to be selfishly claiming me as his own cos he's prepared to be with me (in whatever form he can) until one of us kicks the bucket.

Um, I didn't know that. He didn't know I didn't know that.

Some months ago when we were talking about the practicalities and logistics of carrying on an affair such as ours I said to him that I see it ending if and when one of us became unable to move about independently - he agreed thinking that I meant when we were old and gray and, well, dead.  I was actually referring to some point in the near future, like prematurely taken ill or rendered physically impaired.

So when I asked him if he could love me forever and ever and ever if I never found someone to marry, he didn't understand me. He thought that was what our understanding was. Er, oh wait.

I was weeping cos I thought we would HAVE to break up at some point.

And I think he thought he HAD to cos I wanted him to marry me and that's something he can't promise me.

Um, we've gotten to the bottom of things. And just to be on the safe side, I'm still going to date if someone comes along that I can stand the sight of and can string an English sentence together. (Surprisingly rare in my part of the world!)

But, uh, yes. This is me sheepishly saying that we're ok now (there's more to it, but I shan't get into boring detail about who said what and who meant what etc.) And you'll be hearing about more of our adventures yet!