Let's Ask Around

I know I had lots of fun reading about everyone's kink and the different ways we all practise the thing we all do... 

And I've gotten some questions about the DD/lg we do, and I've also asked others about punishment vs fun spanking etc.

So I was thinking, if you could ask any (or a specific or specific type of) dom(me) and/or sub a question, what would you ask? 

Leave a comment with your question(s) and whether there is anyone specific you want to hear from, and I'll try and compile them and use them in a bunch of upcoming posts - it never hurts to get a better understanding of this thing we all do and hear different perspectives! 

I'm particularly interested in hearing some replies from the dom(me)s as often (tho not always) the viewpoints expressed in the blogs I visit tend to be from the sub's perspective. 

It also means we'd have a legitimate reason to get our dom(me)s to actually sit and write something (ok ok , who am I kidding.... ) or at least dictate their answers while we write / edit / clean up / add pictures to their 2 cents' worth.

So come on Blogland friends... ask away!

YUP - NO QUESTION IS TOO SILLY!

Sex after a Spanking

[Remember some time ago I said we had a rather "serious" post in the making? Well, this is it. I suppose it might not sound too heavy, but the subject matter isn't exactly frivolous and I'm expecting a lot of people to have opinions on this. Still, it's my blog and I'll write if I want to.... *yes I was singing that*- ok, but not to be rude or anything, this is just OUR collective opinion on the topic. Feel free to comment and discuss.]

My BBFF, the talented and lovely Ms Renee Rose, once wrote a post asking what is everyone's take on the No Sex After Spanking rule. You can read it here.

But of course that meant that it would get me thinking too. Cos that's what I do - think. I remember bits of conversation, then pluck up some courage, organise my thoughts (and watch telly at the same time because I'm just awesome that way!) and then try to put something out here that reflects how I feel without offending too many people.

OK here goes. (Bear with me - The Vampire Diaries is on and I might meander a little.... or a lot.)

FACT: We don't do punishment. We do spanking. I like spanking. I enjoy submitting to him, accepting his pain. He doesn't spank me for the sake of making me hurt. He spanks to allow me a chance to show him my submission. PLUS it centers me - and a calm sub is of a lot more use to him than one who's flying off the handle.

So that's a win-win for everyone so far.

FACT: It's the submission that makes me all hot and bothered. Not the pain per se. Submission from giving him a blowjob, from kneeling and laying my head on his lap, from presenting and waiting for him to do whatever he will with me, from wearing something special for him and anticipating his arrival - all of these turn me on. So for the record, the actual PAIN from the spanking in itself isn't the trigger. [Edit: It's actually a combination of 3 things really - the what - spanking, not just any kind of pain;  the who - delivered by BIKSS, not some random fella; and the why - as a sign of submission, my way of saying do whatever you want to me.]

Now having settled that for everyone here... I can move on to the main part of my post.

The big question on my mind is, well, was : 

Why NOT sex after spanking, specifically in DD relationships?

There are those of you whom I read who are in the DD camp and after a punishment you go on to talk of the awesome sex you have as a confirmation of your reconnection. I smile at these. It makes me happy. It makes me think maybe DD isn't so bad after all. 

(That is, in a third person, I'm-not-myself way of course. There's no way we would be able to pull that off around these parts. It's just not for us. BUT if BIKSS and I were married and lived together, I'm sure at some point if there was an infraction - on my part - and we'd managed to work thru it, there might be a reset spanking - it's happened before. And hold on a tic... I'll get to why "punishment" won't work for me in a minute...)

But some of the DD guides I've read state with no uncertain terms that there is to be absolutely no sex after a spanking. The fear here is that the wife (naughty girls that we all are) might associate her spanking with sex and act out on purpose in order to get that sort of attention from her HoH. These are the reasons I totally disagree with that sentiment-

1) I'm sure she can entice her husband into sleeping with her without having to act out. 

2) No matter how one associates sex with spanking, a punishment spanking probably hurts way worse than the other kinds. And no woman would act out to purposely disappoint her HoH and then earn herself a spanking just so she could have the sex that follows. See point 1).

3) If this were indeed the case, the entire DD relationship is doomed anyway because it means her need for sex is bigger / greater than pleasing her husband. And why aren't they even having sex in the first place that she has to resort to misbehaving? Again, see 1)

4) A punishment is meant to be carried out when both parties are calm and have acknowledged the event that caused it, and the events to follow. It is also supposed to clean the slate. And the aftercare is meant to show a reconnection and offer comfort and serve as a physical gesture of what both persons are feeling at that point - she is sorry, and grateful for his forgiveness, he has forgiven her, and accepted her apology. And if all is reset then why should the intimacy of a sexual union be prohibited? Is that not the purest form of two people becoming one in love and togetherness?

Of course I could be an idealist and totally off the mark.

But here's the part where I tell you why spanking as punishment isn't going to work on me. The main reason is that I think spanking isn't constructive at all. I tend to think that the punishment should fit the crime. Been rude to your HoH? Then perhaps he should have you use the words Please or Thank You in all your sentences for the remainder of the day. It's harder than you think. And it is a constant reminder that being rude is a no-no. 

Shouted the F word at his face? Perhaps you should remain silent for the next 2 hours. It'll give you time to think, that's for sure, about what you've done. 

Forgot to do something? OK, now wait. People forget. How is this even punishable? 

In my book, the only way a spanking is fit punishment is if a wife turned around and farted in her husband's face to prove a point. Then I grant you, a sound spanking would make a good reminder NEVER for her to turn her back (and hiney) on him.

The conclusion? There's something that just doesn't make sense for me about this whole thing. AND I suspect the person who thought up that rule was a guy - and the rule was in fact put in place to prevent the HoH from becoming too paddle-happy. See, it's like this. Guy spanks girl. Guy's turned on. (I don't know many men who wouldn't be... yes, even in vanilla circles!) Couple has sex. Guy associates giving a punishment with sexual gratification. Guy ends up punishing girl for every darn thing. Ta-Da! Right. And now that I have solved the great mystery of WHY the no sex after punishment rule exists, I can sleep better. 

So in the end, I suppose I get that it works for some people, and I wish them all the greatest love and connection with their significant others. But it's just not for me. When I've been a shit and upset BIKSS, or when he's been an ass and behaved badly and hurt me, we called each other on it, said what was pissing us off, gave the other (or forced them to listen) a chance to explain, then came to some sort of conclusion that we BOTH agree on. And at that point our slate is wiped clean. Because it is. Because he says so. And because I trust him. And I believe him. 

And then if a spanking happens it is because we are reaffirming our roles. It tells him I am his. STILL. DESPITE. REGARDLESS. I am his.  AND it tells me he is still my protector, my champion, my person who will stick up for me, whom I can run to whenever, for whatever. 

But it is NOT punishment. 

And right after that, why, we have hot kinky sex... of course!

www.trendolizer.com

Making A Point

Some time back BIKSS mentioned that he had a vision of me kneeling on the floor in the shower, mouth open, ready for Roger. 

I wanted to make it happen (it's been a while since we were in the shower together - it's a small space!) so I urged him to join me after I was done with my ablution by hollering "If you don't hop into the shower with me, how am I ever going to give you a blowjob in the bath?"

THAT got his attention. And Roger's too. It was yummy and totally non-messy! LOL. Immediate cleanup. 

I followed him into the bedroom, he was sweet, holding my hand and leading me there. And we lay down and talked about DD and punishment and why it wouldn't work for us. We talked about how I would react, what he felt and thought about it, and then in the midst of explaining why he didn't think he needed to ever punish me, he got up behind me and put Roger at my opening. 

The man was still talking when he plunged into my wet, waiting pussy. I, of course, stopped paying attention to his words and seemed able to only grunt and moan back at him. 

My kind of card :)

It almost seems like he was punctuating his phrases with his thrusts, serving only to reinforce his speech about having control, being dominant... I wasn't exactly paying attention. It's hard to listen too closely when your still-damp hair is getting yanked and your arm is outstretched in a funny angle above you cos he's half lifting your torso off the bed by said hair-handle. It's hard to concentrate when your pussy is getting pounded by the man who's trying to explain with actions more than words how he owns you and you're his to do with as he pleases. It's even harder, tho, to figure out what he's saying when between thrusts a hand lands squarely on the same spot, harder and harder each time. 

Nosireebob. It's IMPOSSIBLE to keep one's focus at times like that!

*FYI - I got a hundred smacks on my butt (across both cheeks each time) tonight cos it's been a while since I've been spanked properly and those "who's your daddy" spanks during sex hurt so much! Apparently, regular spankings are on the horizon... I suppose I'm paying the price even tho HE's the one who hasn't been staying on top of things!*

Don't Blame it on CDD

this is more our style

I'm late coming to this party but I've recently gone and Googled the article that had everyone in a tizzy and I think it's just unfortunate that it was presented this way. 

First of all, I'm going to say personally I'm not a fan of CDD. I don't consider what I do DD in the least. 

I WILL say, however, that I submit to my partner. In that respect we are the same, and I feel the impact of the article too, albeit to a lesser extent.

Perhaps punishment and discipline are not things I respond too. However, no two people are alike. And what might work for one may not be suitable for another. 

Which is exactly why I'm annoyed that the article seemed to imply that CDD is a front for abuse with a generalisation like:

"Dig deeper, though, and you’ll find women who seem to want out. They describe being scared and in physical and emotional pain. The responses range from suggestions to submit more fully and try harder to leaving the relationship."

If you dig deeper into ANYTHING you'll find people or participants or involved victims who want out. The question is, why did these women agree to such a lifestyle? Why did they agree to be abused - if that is what they feel it is? And why didn't they go to their significant others and talk through their concerns? 

If they did, and their husbands were being j*ck*asses, then they're right to call it abuse and walk out - but don't say it's CDD - it's CDD gone wrong is what it is. 

But ANYTHING has the potential to go wrong. Learning an instrument (or any other thing that can be learnt) can be taken too far and could go wrong. We see parenting going wrong all around us. Dieting goes wrong all the time. 

So we should ban the learning of all things - playing a musical instrument, ballet, karate ... don't parent your kids lest you damage them psychologically, and surely, you canNOT diet ever!

I champion the relationship I have. I applaud the relationships YOU have - whatever it is you do, as long as it is done lovingly and with a united goal. 

If it's good enough for Ralph Lauren...

For the record, spanking turns me on. It also re-centers me. It reminds me he's the boss. It shows me he cares and is bothered to take time out from slouching on the couch to warm my bottom. It takes effort and time and trouble and I'm reminded every time that I'm worth that effort and time and trouble. It reinforces my commitment to letting him take care of me. It seals my willingness to let him lead. It tells him I am his and that I trust him wholeheartedly. It reminds him I am precious to him and I am important. It shows him I am willing to be open and vulnerable to him, and consequently reminds him that he can trust me too - that he can share his thoughts without fear that I might judge. 

Do I submit to him? Yes. But just because there is no punishment / discipline in our dynamic doesn't make our type of relationship any LESS susceptible to abuse. It just so happens we solve our problems in a different way. BIKSS may not be my HoH, and I may not be TiH, but he is Head of Relationship - OUR relationship. It doesn't mean I have no voice. 

Which brings me to THIS particular quote:

"And do men have any of these defects? Who is there to correct them? “He’s not perfect,” Vera says, “but it’s not my role to point that out. He self corrects.” "

I'm not sure that's entirely correct. Are there any DD couples who read here who could clarify this for me? My understanding is that while wives don't go about "correcting" their husbands' behaviour, it is quite entirely possible for her to call him on something if it bothered her, especially 1) if it was dangerous to him or the family, 2) if she felt it might have a negative impact on the home, 3) if she needed clarification and more information to understand his motives for doing /saying something, and 4) perhaps most importantly, if it upset her no matter how little, even if she didn't quite know why - so that she can work through her feelings, emotions, thought processes.

In my opinion a truly harmonious relationship is one where there is no fear and both parties keep an open channel of communication. And I think it is also important that the HoH remembers that he is not infallible and there is nothing diminishing in apologising if he HAS been called out on something. 

BIKSS has apologised numerous times. It doesn't "lower" him in my eyes. On the contrary, it sends me a clear message that he can be trusted to be honest and open when discussing an issue; that he is ready and willing to stand up and admit it when he's made a mistake. 

So I don't agree that it's not the woman's place to point out any errors - how is someone to self-correct if he doesn't realise it's wrong... because if he knew it was wrong he wouldn't have done it, and if he did it, one can assume he thought it was acceptable. DUH!

The key, I think, is that just as a husband should never point out an infraction in a way that puts his wife down, a wife should never gloat if she feels her husband has made a mistake.  Instead, sitting down to a calm discussion of the action/behaviour in question shouldn't "threaten" the HoH's authority or feeling of leadership... just as being told she's made a mistake shouldn't threaten a wife's sense of self-worth and cause her to question her own capability. 

If I understand it correctly, CDD, DD, TTWD, D/s all share this one common goal - nurturing healthy communication and forging trust, while at the same time increasing one's sense of self-worth as well as pride in each other. 

Where is the abuse in that?

A Final Word and His POV

... on this whole abuse thing. I don't quite mean physical or psychological abuse ONLY - I think at this point I'm also referring to the abuse of power.

I can't help it. I'm sorry. I have to say it. If you are offended, I do NOT apologise because these are my views. Touchy subject ahead... so please proceed at your own risk. 

Some of the people I read started out a little shaky, unsure, and trying to make sense of this DD / TTWD thing.

Then they got to the point where the wife is wondering why her HoH is so inconsistent. 

Then the HoH decides, ok, you know what? We're GONNA do this. 

Then he takes the power and runs with it. 

Now the wife starts wondering : why is he so mean to me? But that's what I asked for. And I really should be glad that he's on board. So she keeps silent and accepts that she got what she asked for. 

I think I can handle the kind of DD where the HoH says:

"This was what happened, and you know this is not how we want things in our home. I think you will agree that a spanking is warranted."

What I can't understand is the HoH who says:

 "You get over here and put yourself over my knee cos I didn't like what you just did cos I'm the man, and I say so."

I talked with BIKSS over this and his view is that "whatever punishment the sub/wife receives should be as a reminder to do something that is, in the long run, for HER own (or their collective) good. Punishment just because I can would be a sign of me going power-crazy". (See his POV at the end of my post... clearly the man felt a need to address this.)

My view is that when your man suddenly decides to be HoH he shouldn't suddenly be not fun, boring, unable to joke / laugh with you, serious all the time, and always ready to pounce on your behind. I think I would like my HoH to continue to be (if not be MORE) loving, fun-loving, playful, lighthearted and communicative, WHILE holding on to the responsibility of keeping me safe, keeping the family safe, keeping our home running (even if that means tasking me with it, or us agreeing in the beginning that since I'm awesome at it that I'd take care of it) and ensuring that all of us grow to be the best of ourselves we could possibly be. 

And one more thing - a man who baits or says things that are KNOWN triggers merely to prove that his woman is still the weak, unworthy, imperfect person that he's always known she is, is a man who is himself weak, and seeks to put down others in order to feel strong and powerful. This is NOT dominance. This is despicable. 

And that is the end of that topic. 

***************************************

And now a word from BIKSS:~

The topic of abuse has been on our minds for while now. I brought it up to Fondles early in our journey, mainly because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the submission and might go overboard with the new-found thrill of knowing that MY word was law. 

I have a theory, heretofore unproven , that for some men in companies or organizations where we are in positions where we do not have the deciding powers, suddenly being given the gift of submission can be a heady experience. Unfortunately, like some of us who simply cannot handle our liquor, there will be those of us who will fail to reign in our natural (possibly) instincts to dominate completely with total disregard of the needs of the submissive who loves us. This denies the submissive of the exact thing that her submission was supposed to give her, a responsible man who cares for her well-being, above all else.  

I have to say I was particularly lucky that some of the blogs on Fondles’ blogroll are written by some great Doms. I wouldn’t usually name names but these Doms have been my guides down the path that I hope to follow. For that I am grateful that we had Jake of Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds and Dauntless Vitality of A Dauntless Journey among the first of the blogs written by men on Fondles’ blogroll. The other blogs that came along written by Doms only served to reinforce what these 2 had shown me beforehand. I am grateful to those men as well, for they have brought humour and a greater understanding to our relationship. 

That said, I spend way too much time surfing the net and the strands in the web that I slowly untangle from the different links on each of the blogs Fondles has on her blogroll bring me further and further into the deepest, darkest reaches of the Ethernet. 

These trips sometimes bring me to blogs where my spidey senses start to tingle. They seem innocuous enough but, for someone like me who is usually distrustful of anything that seems too good to be true,  I sometimes come across references that lead me to believe that there are hidden stories. 

Far be it from me to think that in our short journey I have suddenly discovered the book of truth that will miraculously explain and define the answer to every question in the universe and that I have a right to preach to any of you on the topic of how you should properly and correctly lead the lives you lead. 

The problem is that in my travels I see certain stories that seem to indicate abuse in some form or other, although the incidents are usually explained by the writers as instances where they deserved what they got, the spanking (if it was a spanking) turned them on, or it was an eye-opener for them which showed them the error of their ways. 

There are many, many examples but I will highlight only 3 as this post has gone on a wee bit too long. 

I have seen stories which have isolation of the submissive from her friends and family as a punishment. In no way do I think this is healthy and many blogs actually indicate, quite clearly, that the submissive’s support structure is extremely important to her. 

I have read about emotional abuse (real life cases as well as blogs) where the men get involved with single mothers, and ingratiate themselves into relationships with the children to maintain power over the woman. Any act seen as disrespectful or disapproved of on the part of the woman leads to the man threatening to move out, breaking up or an ultimatum of some sort. The woman runs the risk of having her children lose the man in their lives and guilt leads her to cave and let the man do as he pleases, over her better judgment. 

Finally, and most abhorrent of all, are those men who punish their women excessively for indiscretions on a whim. In my humble opinion a man who punishes his submissive (notice I didn’t call them Doms) just because he can, no longer has the right to call himself a man. He has simply become a bully. 

Fondles and I do not practise punishment spanking but I accept that there are many who do and do so in very healthy ways. In my opinion these Doms have found that balance (although they may not call it that) where the welfare of the submissive has become the prevailing factor. Would I consider them bullies? Never. 

I finish by saying this; I wish all of you a safe and healthy relationship, whatever form of D/s you choose to practise. 

If We Lived Together...

would there be DD?

or just D/s?

or is this why we call it TTWD?

We chatted about this on Friday night.

We would be domestic. And I suspect there would be discipline in how we both ran our lives and our home. He'd be in charge of some things. I'd be responsible for others. He would want me to always be safe, happy, communicative and open to him. And he would never want me to suffer his neglect or disregard. 

But there would be no disciplining - his words. There would be no spanking for punishment. There would be no punishment. Period. Cos if I did something wrong, I'd be so upset with myself that I'd be apologizing and trying to make it up to him that he wouldn't need to punish me. I'd get a spanking to help me feel better and release all my guilt and then we'd be happy... and have sex. 

If I didn't think I was wrong, but he was mad at me for something I did, then I'd probably try to defend my position until I saw how much he was upset or hurting inside then I'd relent and be all soft and yielding and explain to him that I really hadn't meant to do hurt him, but I'm sorry that he got upset by it anyway and now we'll just be more careful about similar types of situations when they happen and deal with them better in the future. And he'll spank me so he could relieve the stress and I could feel better about the whole thing by being able to offer up my bum, then we'd be happy... and have sex.

And since punishment isn't supposed to end in sex as far as the official DD websites are concerned, I suppose that means we wouldn't be doing any punishing. 

OK, this is going in too many circles in my head. How about we just look at the definition of 'Discipline'?

-to train by instruction and exercise; drill.

-to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

-activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill.

-behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

-punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

Right. So there CAN be discipline without punishment. In that case, I suppose there may be DD after all. But let's just call it something else so that people don't get confused. How about Domestic Responsibility? Yeah. That'll do nicely.

Punishment & Sex

I'm just exploring thoughts today. Because I've had this in my head recently... thanks to reading all of ReneeRose's books on my phone every minute I can spare! Be warned. This might be a little disorganised. I haven't actually made an essay outline or anything, so it'll just come out as I think it.

(I'm using the Male-Dom female-sub model, so go ahead and tweak as you need to suit your own pairing.)

I know the theory is that a punishment spanking isn't supposed to be rewarding - that's why the general rule is NO SEX after that. Also, the lecturing and corner time are supposed to help the transgressor acknowledge, and be adequately remorseful for, their crimes. 

However, I have been thinking about the Dukes and the Lords and the Counts in the spanking fiction I read and how they take their wives in hand, spanking for punishment, to reinforce their dominance, to send a clear signal they are not to be disobeyed or disrespected. It almost always, ok, always, ends in sex.