Travel Plans, Neuroses and Resolution Keeping

The Most Recent Thing to upset me is that BIKSS is going away on a play trip (as opposed to a work trip) at the end of March and I found out in the most disastrous way. 

Background - I have separation anxiety, adjustment disorder, and abandonment issues. I'm not proud of it or anything, it's not like I WANT to collect disorders, but these are all things that I've been in therapy for. And while I can function and survive in the normal world most of the time, sometimes it takes a bit of doing for me to haul my crushed and fractured soul off the ground and get it back in the realm of the living when something comes at me out of nowhere. 

Dramatic, much? Yes. On a regular day with a sane mind, I would agree. But that is exactly what it feels like when a thing comes flying my way and hits me square in the face. Reason and logic? What? No where to be found.

Anyway we talked (MANY TALKS) about it, and by now I'm feeling ok again. However, moving forward, there are some things that I will have to do to cope and compensate for such unplanned out-of-town trips tho, the most obvious being PLAN MY OWN out-of-town trips. And on his part, TELL ME WITH A BIT OF SENSITIVITY. Ahem. Moving on... the rest of the Plan.

If he's to travel more this year, being my 'leave the country every month year' and all, then the original plan was that I would tag along on his work trips. But if his trips are gonna be last minute and clash with my work schedule / cost too much in airfare / coincide with my periods guaranteeing NO ONE has a good time, then I would rather not go. (Which is what happened the last BKK trip he took - it was short notice and the flights were almost $500 return and it was period week. Plus my colleague was on leave the Monday that he was to fly off, meaning I couldn't get time off till Tuesday, shortening an already short trip. As for this upcoming play trip to HKG with the fellas - he suggested I come up and join him for a couple of days after the match, but $700 is NOT a price I'm willing to pay for a 2 day tag-on.) 

In all likelihood I'd have to beat the last-minute-high-priced-ticket situation by booking my own cheap-ass-on-promo tickets early. With other people. In order to keep my New Year's resolution (leave the country every month.... let's not lose sight of this!)

Which then means that by the time he CAN confirm a work trip I might already have used up whatever vacation days that month for my own travel plans. And that leaves us no better off in the "travel together" department. 

To address the issue we have decided that :

1) If tickets are too pricey for my cheap ass to hand over good money for,  but are within a range HE thinks is acceptable, and he's willing to pay for them, then I might go. (It took some convincing cos I'm not one to spend $400 on something that can be got for $200 you know? However since CHEAP is dependent on having "advance notice" and that's not going to be likely in most cases, I suppose something's got to give.) 

TO BE FAIR - he did offer. I would say "I'm not paying XXX for a ticket to YYY just to hang out with you for 3 days... it's too expensive!" and he would say "Then what about if I  paid for it?" And I would gasp in horror because WHOEVER paid for it, it's still too expensive. 

But ok. If the purpose is to vacay together on his short work trips and we'd be saving on hotel anyway, and he's willing to sponsor the ticket, then fine. (I also have a LOUSY relationship with money... I am aware, and I am working on it.)

And 

2) He'll try and plan in advance as much as possible, wherever and whenever he can. I'm not hopeful about this second one. But we'll see. 

Meanwhile, I've decided instead of sitting around and being depressed when he's in HKG I'm going to grab CG1 and my sister and we're going to hop onto a bus to Malacca for 3 days. We booked the tickets yesterday! Whoop!

There's also a legit teaching holiday at the end of April (I usually teach on Saturdays and it would be waste to let a free Saturday go by without doing something!) so the sister has booked me for a trip to Genting Highlands to enjoy the cool weather - and roam the Genting Premium Outlets. She's been, I haven't. I don't think I've been to Genting in at least 10 years, which is a shame cos they've made so many improvements to the space. 

So far I've left the country every month... my resolution looks like it's firmly on track. The plan to travel with BIKSS on his work trips... well, not so much. But we're only a quarter way into the year... so there is hope yet!

FFF 2.0 - 14 & Food from Faraway & FINALLY GOOD NEWS

Now that the sexcapade is over, I can show you the goodies BIKSS got me.

Anyone who's been to Ho Chi Minh will know that cashews are sold everywhere. I like that they've got some of the skin left on, altho many websites will tell you not to eat the skin cos of the resin which might cause gastrointestinal discomfort. But I'm convinced these are done in a way that renders them safe for consumption because I've had these "skin-on" cashews many many many times now, and it has never upset my tummy. The ones he got me are lightly salted and great for munching  on while writing posts - like I'm doing now. Nom nom nom.

Are they good for you? Yes. As with all foods  - too much is never a good thing. But in moderation, cashews pack a solid punch in terms of minerals and vitamins.

In the basement of one of the malls lives a bakery which sells these wafer things, topped with either almond flakes or sunflower seeds. I tried the sunflower ones last time we were there and it was really yummy so I asked BIKSS if he would get more for me. He did. 5 packs of the stuff. But along with that I got an almond one to try too. Alas, my loyalty to the sunflower wafer isn't as strong as it should be. The almond one is now my new favourite snack! And the thing I like best about it is how generous they are with the toppings!

Well after all that food, it is time to update everyone with this week's numbers. 

I've been at the high end of my usual weight range, but I suspect that's to do with not eating enough oats and therefore not pooping right for about 3 days now. I've finally managed a regular smooth poop and I think things will begin to move along just fine from now : )

Did you know there is a legit poop chart? I'm not going to paste the image here in case well, some of you are sensitive to that kind of thing. But click the link and it'll take you right to the wiki entry. 

Here are my numbers :

Average: 9,690 steps
Highest no : 13,919 steps
No of >10k steps days : 3

**The ROZ Update:

From last Sat to today I have done my exercises 4 days plus the stairs at work daily.


 **The OLIVIA Update:

Self-care : Stepping up, stepping out, and stepping forward!

And last but not least in this week's update - we just got word *like right now as I was writing this* that we managed to get an extension on the interim caregiver service (provided by the state / hospital) until the permanent caregiver arrives in 6 weeks' time. 

I'm hoping that there will be SOME overlap so that the current one can teach the new arrival everything, as well as create a sense of continuity so as not to raise the brother's suspicions as to where we got the new caregiver - we have two options here : live-in domestic helpers (24 hours) and day-time only caregivers (12 hours). And with the live-in domestic helpers we had in the past, the asshats took advantage of them and asked them to help out with chores around the house, bribing them with all sorts of treats. They would then feel bad if they didn't help out, but it really wasn't part of their job! And the mother wasn't helping either cos she's so afraid her stupid son will get mad at her.  I don't want that happening again, so even tho the new one WILL still be a live-in domestic helper (as far as the paperwork is concerned), I'm telling them all that she's an elder-caregiver and have her report to work at the parents' place during the day, but come back to my place to sleep nights.

And if the one we have which is provided by the state/hospital stays on till the new one arrives, it will just seem as if she's been replaced by the service provider for reasons unknown to us.

I've told mum to just feign ignorance and say she doesn't know anything, and that as far as she's concerned I've found a permanent daytime-only elder-caregiver.

OK, I realise this is all very complicated if you're not familiar with the system here, but suffice it to say this is all very good news and it's extremely welcome because this was like my last hope.

If this plan doesn't work then, well, I don't really wanna think about it. All I know is I NEED THIS TO WORK!

Thank you for all your kind emails and positive thoughts and virtual hugs. I appreciate them all. If you're the praying type, please (continue to) keep my parents in your prayers that this arrangement will stick and we won't have to resort to extreme measures (read: nursing homes).

Back to Being Daddy

Yup you heard right. 

After sorting through my feelings and figuring out what I wanted or didn't want, what mattered and what didn't, it occurred to me that I didn't miss BIKSS the boyfriend. I missed BIKSS the Daddy. As he himself said in the face-to-face we had last night - "I wasn't very much of a boyfriend was I?"

And indeed he wasn't. Let's face it, it's not like I ever thought we were going to walk down the aisle and live a blissfully 24/7 D/s life spankingly ever after or anything of that sort.

It was always just what it was. So if you remove the D/s bit, there really wasn't much by way of a traditional emotionally co-dependent vanilla relationship. It worked because I depended on the dynamic. And I think he did / does too. 

And so we have come to the conclusion (or I have, and he agrees) that what I really want is a Daddy and not a boyfriend. I've often said that I wasn't interested in having someone come into my life (and home) and messing up what I've set up for myself. (My vanilla friends insists I have a fear of commitment.)

How did we get here then? I suppose from the very beginning I knew I wanted to be a sub - at that time the only thing I knew about the lifestyle was from a TiH website I had read which made such an impact on me that it was all I could think about for a week! I told him so during that first week after we ended up in the sack together. (Ok that was just lust. And neither of us had any romantic notions about that first time.) Mostly he was trying to save me from being stupid about the fellas I was falling in love with (the irony right?) - saviour complex maybe?

I reckon we both had no idea what it was that was missing from our lives and what the draw to each other was. Now that we are better acquainted with BDSM  / TTWD vocabulary and schema, it is kinda easy to see that what we were looking for were partners to complement our respective Dom and sub selves. And the only way we knew how was to first engage in a traditional relationship and incorporate the kink within it. 

I think we're better equipped now to be able to handle just the dynamic without needing the boyfriend/girlfriend portion of it. There need be no proclamations of romantic love, promises of happily ever after, or anything of the sort. Of course there will be some emotional co-dependency, but I think it'll be the kind I can handle. 

Got to the Bottom of It

... and of course he got to my bottom too.

I'm sure I've used this pic before.

But first, he picked me up after work, I bought eclairs. He bought donuts. Clearly we think sweet pastries will help. At least we're on the same page there! After he parked we sat in the car and ate our eclairs. Then we came upstairs, and he sat on the couch and I knelt beside him and hugged his tummy. And it felt like my world was back on its axis again. I love being in that position, with his one arm around me and his other hand on my head. And we made some small talk - not awkward, mind you, just regular talk. We kissed, for a long time, and then I got up to make him a drink and hopped into the shower. 

After he had a shower too we convened in the bedroom. I lay down beside him and asked if we could talk about what happened. Yes, he said. And we did. We talked. After a bit of going around and exploring feelings when what was said and what was replied... and what was meant by what was said... we had a breakthrough, we realised what happened, and we made a plan going forward.

Here's the result of our debrief:

Yes, I somehow (blame the past, blame my childhood, whatever) get triggered into believing I'm being dismissed - unfairly so. 

Because he sometimes gets those "uh-oh" moments when I "accuse" him and then he freezes (although we did agree I was doing so very gently and lightheartedly)

Then that makes him reply in the most matter of fact manner he can because (we now agree) he's the King of Disassociation and can't say he did or didn't do something. Rather he prefers to say something happened or didn't happen. Tsk. 

Which makes me lose it and subconsciously (cos these things are never consciously done are they?) I go off on a tirade and start to push buttons because it's like he's just too proud to admit he made a mistake or forgot to do/check/sort out something.

And he admits that by this time he's adamant about NOT admitting any fault cos he's a guy and the Why-Should-I-Apologise gene has already kicked in by now.

So we will take the following steps:

1) If I'm having an emotional reaction to something I am to actually say I'm having a meltdown

2) If he is busy and therefore can't entertain me he will tell me rather than just giving me a one word answer that leaves me feeling left out in the cold

3) If I'm unhappy with how he's handling something cos of this disassociation thing (it's happened a few times, actually) I'll call him on it

4) If he thinks that I'm going off on a tirade and "pushing him into a corner" he'll call me on it.

And I'm happy to say it wasn't just a case of the man brain processing things differently and NOT GETTING IT. 

And after talking, as I was snuggling into him, he rubbed and smacked my bottom. I asked if it would be more convenient if I move to lie over him, and he said yes, so I did. And he continued to spank me. 

I MIGHT have used this pic before too. But it's so apt.

After a longish session, with not as many rubs as he used to give when we first started, he found a handle on my head in the form of my bunched up hair, and pulled me towards him for a very passionate kiss. The exact moment my lips met his, I felt everything melting away. The tension, the bad feelings, the hurt, the uncertainty, everything. Then he guided my face down towards his cock and had me service him with my mouth and tongue, while he pounded my pussy with his fingers, it wasn't teasing. It was an assault. My clit, my cunt, my sex. Everything belonged to him. 

I begged him to fuck me, I needed to feel him plunge into my dripping wet folds. He arranged me under him and entered me, making me feel the most open and available to him I've felt in a long time. I held on to him as he fucked me hard and unloaded himself into me. After that I wrapped my limbs around his torso and he lay on top of me, holding me, and letting me feel him.

We lazed a a bit, checked comments on the blog, looked at hotels on the web for our trip, talked about stuff, he nodded off, then came awake again and snaked his arm down towards my girlie bits. It was a funny angle and he didn't have much room, so as soon as I realised what, or should I say where he was headed, I hiked up one of my legs to give him access. I was rewarded with a Good girl whispered into the side of my face. I swear I could hear the lust in his voice. I wasn't wrong. He attacked my clit with a vengeance, not letting up. Again, no teasing. Just a full-on charge. He was in control. I shuddered, bucked, moaned - I was too caught up in the heat of it all to care but let me say, ordinarily I'd be embarrassed at the kinds of sounds I was making. 

When I couldn't take it anymore he put my hand on Roger and I was a little surprised (although I suppose I really shouldn't have been, considering he's ALWAYS horny) to find that he was ready again. 

Is Roger ready for pussy again?

His answer was loud and clear as he flung me on my back and thrust into me. He pulled a pillow over my mouth and gave me permission to make as much noise as I wanted, as he held it there and fucked me mercilessly, relentlessly, with such force as I've never seen / felt before. He was this sex-crazed creature, and I swear he was being ever more turned on by my muffled screams. He pounded into me as he came and when he lifted the pillow off all I could do was roll over to my side and pant. 

He curled up around me and we both agreed that that was very, very enjoyable!

Maybe we should think about a gag after all? Cos I really liked having my mouth covered like that. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've just moved an item from my hard limit list to my may-be-convinced-to-explore list. First when he stuck his fingers in my mouth I thought it was strange but after the 2nd or 3rd time I came to enjoy it. And now this? That's one more thing to put on my kinky shopping list.

Trust

I told him the truth. 

I did something I'm not proud of. But the reason for doing what I did is now moot. It's the last resolution - one I did not post along with the rest, because writing it at that point would have seemed strange. And I wasn't ready to come clean yet.

So anyway, I've made a decision and that's now a thing of the past. And how do I know it'll stick this time? Because I made the decision for me - not cos BIKSS wanted me to want to. I think that's the difference. 

But that's not the point of this post. The point is how much I trust him. And how he is everything that I need him to be. My stronghold.

He didn't get mad. I'm a little unnerved actually, cos I thought there would be a reaction. But I'm not surprised. 

Here's an excerpt (edited):

So...don't get ME wrong. While I'm happy you are quitting for yourself, and even though I sorta understood that there might be a possibility that you would smoke behind my back, it's sticking in my throat that you did. Maybe it took THOSE events to make u come to the realization. I hope so - then they weren't for nothing. I'm not sure how much the fact you hid it from me is getting to me, but again, rationalizing it says that the end justifies the means.

I am not proud of what happened. I am ashamed. And sorry...

I'd normally say you should be...but I know the defense mechanisms you have and this was most likely one of them.

I want to crawl into you.

(Kiss emote) I'd welcome you.

Thank you for being my fortress.

You know you can tell me stuff right?

Yeah I know. That's why I do.

Good.

I'd rather tell you than NOT tell you. Despite it being a little complicated now. Knowing that when I tell you EVERYTHING that's going on inside my head it might end up hurting YOU in the process. So thank you for accepting this really strange state of affairs. 

Thank you for trusting me.

Yeah well, I did say I trust you with my life right? I meant it. 

I can almost guarantee we'll talk about it more the next time we meet. This was just the preliminary outpouring. Exploration of emotions and the whole process of working through our feelings and thoughts will happen in person I expect. There will be crying, there will be guilt, there will be understanding, there will be crawling into him. But most of all, there will be trust. 

The Year of Presentation

So that's what I've decided  - To cast away some (a leeeeetle bit, anyway) of my self-consciousness and inhibitions and take a few baby steps (infant-size!) towards presenting my more sensual / sexual self to BIKSS.

This is just a development of one of my non-resolutionary resolutions in my previous post.

Screenshot of Julianne Hough & Kristen Bell

See, someone watched Burlesque in the wee early hours of the 1st day of the year:  post NYE-celebrating and pre-the-first-sleep-of-the-year. 

And this said someone fell in love with the make-up (a close up look at Christina Aquilera's makeup) and was wondering if she should maybe experiment with some redder lips and kohl-lined eyes. 

So while I was cleaning out the dresser and throwing away some old make up and combining some of my glitter dust with my regular blusher, I decided to have a little fun. I haven't done this since a long long time ago. So I played. I put some colour on, then I made some pouty kissy lips and took a couple of pics to send to BIKSS. 

cropped version

In my bra. With a little bit of cleavage. Yeah, good enough, that'll do. 

;-)

He was sweet enough to notice that I had make-up on and that was when I decided that along with the "dressing up for my man" I would add to it - not just dress up, but make up too -  and turn this into my thing for the year. Not to say that I'll have to paint my face every time he comes over, but it'll be nice to maybe dab on some lip gloss or do my brows! And I will definitely bother a little more about presenting a done up face when we go out. 

Sure, the "feminists", and whatever-other-ists out there may say that dressing up and making up is all superficial stuff and what really counts is on the inside. But I don't see why my man shouldn't also be able to be proud to have a good looking girl by his side. So yes, I'm calling this my year of presentation. I've been so busy trying to present the best of my inner self to him (what with the learning to be trusting, opening up and sharing, being honest, obedient, respectful and all that other TTWD stuff), that I've forgotten all about the outward presentation of who I am. A girl. His girl. And I want him to be proud of all of me - Yes, even the totally superficial outside bits! 

2012 going on 2013

Ok, I decided on a few things recently, and since it IS the 1st of Jan, I'll call them my resolutions:

1) trust BIKSS - he's not gonna walk out cos we have a tiff

2) dress up for my man - he won't think it's silly

3) take better care of my finances

4) continue to walk regularly

---------------------

On the last day of the year BIKSS managed to squeeze in a little Fondles time in the morning. 

He came over for breakfast, I gave him a blowjob, we went to town and ran some errands before the offices closed at 1, we stopped for coffee and carrot cake, walked around the theater poster shop to see if there was anything I liked, explored the arts and culture library that we've both never been to, then he dropped me off at the subway station where I was supposed to meet my folks. 

It was the perfect final date of the year.

And I hope we have many more perfect dates in the year ahead!

Here's wishing you Happy New Year Blogland friends! May 2013 be full of good things for all of you too!