Travel Plans, Neuroses and Resolution Keeping

The Most Recent Thing to upset me is that BIKSS is going away on a play trip (as opposed to a work trip) at the end of March and I found out in the most disastrous way. 

Background - I have separation anxiety, adjustment disorder, and abandonment issues. I'm not proud of it or anything, it's not like I WANT to collect disorders, but these are all things that I've been in therapy for. And while I can function and survive in the normal world most of the time, sometimes it takes a bit of doing for me to haul my crushed and fractured soul off the ground and get it back in the realm of the living when something comes at me out of nowhere. 

Dramatic, much? Yes. On a regular day with a sane mind, I would agree. But that is exactly what it feels like when a thing comes flying my way and hits me square in the face. Reason and logic? What? No where to be found.

Anyway we talked (MANY TALKS) about it, and by now I'm feeling ok again. However, moving forward, there are some things that I will have to do to cope and compensate for such unplanned out-of-town trips tho, the most obvious being PLAN MY OWN out-of-town trips. And on his part, TELL ME WITH A BIT OF SENSITIVITY. Ahem. Moving on... the rest of the Plan.

If he's to travel more this year, being my 'leave the country every month year' and all, then the original plan was that I would tag along on his work trips. But if his trips are gonna be last minute and clash with my work schedule / cost too much in airfare / coincide with my periods guaranteeing NO ONE has a good time, then I would rather not go. (Which is what happened the last BKK trip he took - it was short notice and the flights were almost $500 return and it was period week. Plus my colleague was on leave the Monday that he was to fly off, meaning I couldn't get time off till Tuesday, shortening an already short trip. As for this upcoming play trip to HKG with the fellas - he suggested I come up and join him for a couple of days after the match, but $700 is NOT a price I'm willing to pay for a 2 day tag-on.) 

In all likelihood I'd have to beat the last-minute-high-priced-ticket situation by booking my own cheap-ass-on-promo tickets early. With other people. In order to keep my New Year's resolution (leave the country every month.... let's not lose sight of this!)

Which then means that by the time he CAN confirm a work trip I might already have used up whatever vacation days that month for my own travel plans. And that leaves us no better off in the "travel together" department. 

To address the issue we have decided that :

1) If tickets are too pricey for my cheap ass to hand over good money for,  but are within a range HE thinks is acceptable, and he's willing to pay for them, then I might go. (It took some convincing cos I'm not one to spend $400 on something that can be got for $200 you know? However since CHEAP is dependent on having "advance notice" and that's not going to be likely in most cases, I suppose something's got to give.) 

TO BE FAIR - he did offer. I would say "I'm not paying XXX for a ticket to YYY just to hang out with you for 3 days... it's too expensive!" and he would say "Then what about if I  paid for it?" And I would gasp in horror because WHOEVER paid for it, it's still too expensive. 

But ok. If the purpose is to vacay together on his short work trips and we'd be saving on hotel anyway, and he's willing to sponsor the ticket, then fine. (I also have a LOUSY relationship with money... I am aware, and I am working on it.)

And 

2) He'll try and plan in advance as much as possible, wherever and whenever he can. I'm not hopeful about this second one. But we'll see. 

Meanwhile, I've decided instead of sitting around and being depressed when he's in HKG I'm going to grab CG1 and my sister and we're going to hop onto a bus to Malacca for 3 days. We booked the tickets yesterday! Whoop!

There's also a legit teaching holiday at the end of April (I usually teach on Saturdays and it would be waste to let a free Saturday go by without doing something!) so the sister has booked me for a trip to Genting Highlands to enjoy the cool weather - and roam the Genting Premium Outlets. She's been, I haven't. I don't think I've been to Genting in at least 10 years, which is a shame cos they've made so many improvements to the space. 

So far I've left the country every month... my resolution looks like it's firmly on track. The plan to travel with BIKSS on his work trips... well, not so much. But we're only a quarter way into the year... so there is hope yet!

Not Just Clothes on Shein and All Sorts of Pain + a PS

Two totally unrelated topics, I know. But I just had to tell you this. 

Last Friday when I was in bed with a sore foot, I actually was quite naughty asking BIKSS if he had given any thought as to how we could have sex despite the inconvenience! LOL. He said no, but I admitted that I was thinking about it. Haha. The sex was good sex, with a round two blowjob after. But the thing that made it super hot that night was that we played with our crop, on my boobs, on my thighs, on my pussy (WITH undies on).. and then because it was a bit noisy we went and got the cane instead. On my boobs, on my thighs, on my pussy (still with undies on)...  and then he used it on my face... just a tap, enough to sting but no serious lashings. I loved it. Can I just say (again) I really love the cane? 

And we talked a bit about him inflicting pain. In the past he always maintained that he only enjoyed it because he could see how much I  enjoyed receiving the pain. But then pain in itself doesn't turn me on. It's submitting to his pain that does. But if he doesn't want to inflict said pain, then am I submitting to something he wants in the first place? And by the same roundabout theory, if I don't ENJOY the pain for the pain itself, then why bother causing it? HAHA. OK. Anyway, I've been trying to work this out for the longest time, but recently when I've asked him the same question, he's gotten more and more comfortable with the idea that he enjoys hurting me. He does enjoy inflicting pain, he admits. Well then, that's that dilemma solved, I say. 

And he loves to inflict pain on my nipples because I "react" he says. Well, ok, I do like the pinching and twisting BEFORE sex. Or DURING. It really is a magic button. Heh.

But the other thing about nipples... I wrote something about it at the beginning of this blog, I can't remember where (and I've spent too much time trying to look for it, in vain) - one of my exes, wait maybe 2, used to do this thing where they'd sit next to me and cross their arms and use their fingers, hidden under the other arm, to reach across and fiddle with my nipples. I didn't like it. It used to annoy me. Even worse was that I'd told them so but they didn't respect my wishes for it to stop, instead they both insisted "But no one can see... ". But that wasn't the point was it? Pffft. 

So when BIKSS started doing that (IN BED, IN BED, in the privacy of the bedroom because he's a stickler for proper behaviour in public, right down to covering a yawn - yes I get told off every single time, and not with the fondness of a lover but with the sternness of an authoritarian!) I initially flinched and told him that it made me feel cheap and like a piece of meat. 

He reassured me that 1) I'm his sub and he will touch me where he pleases, 2) he only wants to touch my nipples because he loves how they feel in his hands, and he enjoys touching my body in general, 3) that every time he touches them he'll remind me of number 2. And for the most part he has, in the beginning anyway. But I realised that I must have learnt this lesson some time ago, cos I would somehow make mention of it before he did. And that night wasn't any different. 

"I don't like it, but I like it you know?" I told him. "I mean, I'm still not thrilled at having my nipples twiddled with just lying here and hanging out together, but I *do* like that you do it anyway because it reminds me that I'm submitting to you." 

"I know," he said simply. 

And now, on that nipply note, I found these on Shein as I was looking for some white tees for my cousin, since it was free-shipping-day. OK, admittedly they didn't appear out of nowhere. I was searching for nipple covers. And THEN they popped up! (And yes, they sell nipple covers too!)

And since they were so cheap ($3 bucks each, local ccy) I got them both before BIKSS answered my question of "Which one do you think I should get". His answer was also "Ooh, both".

But while I was there, on the "body jewellery" page, I found some other things :

Pretty things no? One doesn't have to only shop the VS site for such things no more.

And then I saw they had a "personal care" section under BEAUTY so I went browsing.... and compiled this bunch of pictures. Wanna play? I'm going to have them numbered... and if you like you can write down what you think they are in the comments below! (Some of them are pretty easy, but others may be less commonly seen in your part of the world.)

And with that I shall bid you all a Happy Week Ahead!

My mood pic today ~

ANOTHER HUGE PS - The announcement this time -  Bleue's blog is back up! And if you already knew this, I'm sorry. I'm kinda late to the party. Thank goodness she popped by yesterday to leave a comment here. Go visit, or make a new friend. Her "about" page is linked here. 

Running To Him - Or Running Away?

During post-sex cuddles is typically when we have a lot of space to explore our thoughts - or BIKSS has time to probe into my brain and I have time to float about in there and think about the past, myself, growth, fears and anything else that requires good strong emotional scaffolding before one goes diving into potentially murky reservoirs of memories and dredging up things that sometimes should remain sunk and buried. 

So the most recent chat we had of this nature was about how I was grateful for all the safety nets, harnesses, ladders and air mattresses that he has surrounded me with as I navigated this relationship with him. 

In the past whenever a partner reacted negatively to something I did / said, I made a mental note of never sharing it with my other half again. This, you can imagine, is detrimental for downline relationship building. I internalised all the criticisms and believed I wasn't enough - not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, slim enough, cool enough. It just stacked up one after another. 

The result of all this is that sometimes when I'm faced with uncertainty /sadness /doubt /fear or anything that one would usually think of running TOWARDS a partner with (for sharing, or because one needed comforting, presumably) I would, instead, tuck it far away inside me, or sometimes haul the dark cloud over my shoulder and run in the opposite direction. 

This has no doubt led to many misunderstandings - when one can tell a friend something that one cannot tell a boyfriend, and that friend happens to be a guy, the boyfriend is BOUND to get suspicious. 

I could call a spade a spade and say "When I tell John about it he doesn't judge me and I feel as if you blame ME for everything that goes wrong in my life - which makes me feel small and unworthy." But I've tried that and it only leads to more problems. 

The thing is, I should have just WALKED AWAY.  It's not that I shouldn't try and solve problems and work out issues. What it is is that I should have known when it wasn't possible to have a reasonable conversation with someone and that the person I was in love with was flawed and incapable of communicating rationally.

If I could go back in time and teach myself a lesson, this would be it. 

So anyway it only took forever for BIKSS to peel away those layers and teach me that I could trust him NOT to diss me. And for that I'm grateful. It feels fantastic to be able to take anything I'm feeling and run TO him with it, instead of away from him. More than the love, or more than the kink, more than the DDlg, I appreciate him for being my safe space.

Then comes the next part. I sometimes browse through my dating app, just to see what's out there. 

Would I go on dates? Yes. I have before. Is BIKSS fine with it? He is. We both know the day will come when we will be no more. 

Am I gunning for a new beau? No. But I'm open to meeting someone, either to be exclusive with, eventually, or as part of an open relationship... I'm not sure. But we're fluid that way, for now at least. 

So I said to BIKSS that this ability for me to come to him with EVERYTHING, is either going to make it REALLY easy for the next chap in that he won't have to do the peeling of all those gunky fucked up layers, cos it's already done! OR it's going to be really hard for the next guy I date cos I think at the slightest hint of being made to feel the way my ex-es made me feel, I would turn around and give him my "Now look here, I don't deserve this" speech. 

The up side is that I'm better equipped to deal with assholes now.  The down side - it's gonna be tough finding someone who can scaffold as well as BIKSS can. 

It's constant aftercare for my psyche.

Long Distance Dominance

"Show me your pussy."

I move the fone down so that the camera is in front of my slit.

"Good girl" he says.

"Spread your legs."

I do so, awkwardly, shuffling my feet apart.

I take that to mean he wants a closer look. So I use the fingers of my free hand to spread my outer lips.

He says something that tells me he approves of this. But I don't remember the exact words.

I'm feeling a flood of submission. My cunt is getting wet. I've just been in the shower getting clean. And now he's gone and made me dirty again in under 10 words.

"That's going to get a nice spanking when I come back on Monday." I know I'm dismissed and can carry on with getting dressed.

But still I ask. "Can I put on my shirt now?"

He says yes.

"Pussy's getting spanked too?"

"Yes."

"But I didn't ask for a pussy spanking... just a bum spanking."

"It's a package deal."

Video calls. Delivering Dominance whenever you need it.

How To Take Sexy-As-Hell Selfies (As Explained By Naked Barbie)

She's Back. Almost.

By she I mean me. 

Things seem to be getting somewhat back to normal in the 'feelings' department. A great big THANK YOU to all my blogfriends who left comments and emailed me. Your words of reassurance and comfort (and sharing your own stories) helped tremendously. 

BIKSS spent some time with me last night, chatting about things and distracting me with his antics, and just generally letting me be me. I laughed, I cried, then laughed some more, felt my "little" come back some, then sunk back into woe-is-me mode again; he hugged, spanked (at my request... ), paused and rubbed my back, gave me his sleeve - then his other sleeve - to cry on (but eventually we grabbed the tissue box). I put tears on his shirt, and snot on his chest. He played with me, comforted me, supported me. 

I was pleasantly surprised that out of that feel-so-crappy post I got to know a new (to me, but not new in general) blogger. Silver lining eh? 

Today I made scones. It's a huge step. It means I'm not sinking into depression. It means I'll come out of this. Baking is always a good sign. For me anyway. 

Another good sign is being able to smile at the weird links BIKSS sends me. 

Here. Have a look. 

1) Italy's first sex doll brothel says it is 'booked out for WEEKS' as it opens its doors today

"Brothels with human prostitutes are illegal in Italy, though sex work itself is not a crime." Well then, I suppose it's either sex dolls, or they'll have to resort to goats. 

2) Perfectionists look away now! Photos of inexplicable mistakes will leave you feeling VERY frustrated

OH I just Cant!!

3) Kindergarten Greets Students with Pole Dancing Performance on First Day Back at School

"Several clips of the pole dance, as well as one other burlesque performance by a second dancer, was also widely shared on online." Hello, there was ANOTHER performance after the pole dancing?

4) Camo Wedding Dresses

'nuff said!

BIKSS must also have a hunch I'm feeling better if he thinks it's ok to tease me. This is me telling him I was making scones today. He replied me with brussels sprouts. Which we both enjoy, btw. 

Actually, yesterday evening as we were headed out to collect something, I was already feeling stronger - enough that I asked Siri this question. And BIKSS laughed at the reply. I'm not sure WHO I'm more mad at. Him, or my iPhone. Pffft. 

Clearly Siri is no help. But you folks definitely were! So Thank You, my lovely blogfriends! This says it all :)

A Much Better Day...

...was had after that mess of an everything-gone-wrong one. 

There was a slight drizzle in the morning when I woke up. But that petered out just as I was heading out to work. Perfect. 

Daddy picked me up at the usual place and we had a good chat in the car - I was updating him on all the things that I had gotten up to in the couple of days that we didn't meet up. 

Work was splendid - an easy day. I had a simple lunch with the bff and then I went home. Class went well, the kids were great. 

BIKSS and I had planned to have a salad and some meat for dinner, and he offered to buy the ingredients. So I gave him a list - lettuce, cheese, some sort of meat, cucumber ...  then thought better of it and said I would go and get the stuff instead. The store that's nearest to him tends to be a little overpriced. It made more sense for me to pick up the items. BUT he surprised me with a text a little later saying he'd already gotten all the ingredients so there was no need for me to get anything. Hurray! 

He arrived after work around 645 with veggies and a roast chicken and we fixed dinner together. He also got blueberries and mixed nuts to top the salad! It was delicious.

BIKSS dishing out salad for us!

We even had some Rosee beer to share - and I made sure to drink plenty of water with it, which BIKSS got for me cos I was midway through my food when I remembered that I should dilute my alcohol. I usually enjoy being the one running up and down to get him this or that, I suppose that's my submissive side - service is one of the ways I show submission, but once in a while it's really nice when he does the to-ing and fro-ing for me. I feel special and little when he does. 

I had planned on a massage in the afternoon but seeing as it was the eve of a national holiday here, it was going to be more expensive than what I usually pay. 

Sheesh. Now now, to be fair, and before you get alarmed, he meant the tappety tap type of thing with the cane. Not the swooshy swing that leaves a stripe. 

But still. 

After a shower we headed into the room. He gave my back a little massage cos I was aching from having to support the father's weight on my shoulder the day before. 

Then he went and got the cane. We have two. I checked that he had taken out my favourite one. Yup. Can we use the crop too, I asked. He obliged. Too willingly, imo. 

First, he spanked with his hands, then he moved on to the cane. Those tappety taps ended up totalling more than 50, and for some reason I felt like I needed some serious stripes. Ok. Maybe 2. I asked him if I could have a stripe please. He said yes. 

Ouch. Why oh why do I do this to myself???

But it felt so good. I don't know why I never noticed this before but after a sudden jolt of pain (like that swooshing cane landing on my ass) my whole body feels warm, like there is a rush of blood. I understand it has something to do with the release of chemical pain mediators in the nearby areas (seratonin, prostaglandin, histamine etc) and increase of blood supply for white blood cells to do their job (healing). But it was never so apparent as last night.

Anyway, he continued on with the tappety taps and the crop - one implemet in each hand, like he was playing the drums - and then I asked for another stripe. 

But I ended up with 7! 

Clearly he has trouble counting. 

It's not as clear here as on the phone (or in the mirror, for that matter), but you get the idea. Some of the lower lines were actually whitish, rather than red. 

And because I don't mark easily, these were gone in under 10 mins. 

Still, it was good while it lasted. 

We had some sexy time, and some cuddly time. And then I had a weepy time. I dunno why. Just emotional I suppose. I realise that sometimes it happens when I have been away from my guy for too long. I guess 4 days was too long LOL. 

BIKSS reassured me, and we hugged and he let me snivel on his shoulder. He mentioned it too - that here I was crying for no reason and snivelling and wetting his shoulder - and that got me giggling a little bit. 

The evening ended well, despite the short bout of tears. And I went to bed a happy little. :)

FFF 18 Recap

Welcome to this week's recap!

We've lost some pounds this week .. and hope never to find them.

Off damned pound, OFF! ~ ancilla_ksst

Eat some cake, lose some pounds. ~ Lindy 

Everyone's a loser - of pounds! ~ Abby

Breaking the number barrier. Yes. Pound lost! ~ Olivia

On the topic of.. I haven't put down weight as one of my goals as I usually hover around the same zone, except for the week before my period when I go up a kg or so. But I WAS delighted that I lost a pound when I was in Kuala Lumpur with BIKSS on our road trip! Hurray!

And oops, I almost forgot Roz's comment ~

On track with my exercises this week. Phew! I don't think next week will be so good due to a few birthday celebratory meals out.

(Did you say BIRTHDAY??? HURRAY! CAKE!)

(ok, maybe HALF a slice of cake today, and another half tomorrow...)

Traumatic Tuesday

*Contains talk of lady-time-of-the-month things... so if that grosses you out, don't read this post. Come back tomorrow for FFF!*

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Just when I thought everything was going fine and my life seemed to be smooth-sailing, WHAM! 

I started spotting again even tho it's only been a week after my last period. I feel like something's not quite right. I don't know what, but something. I had a consult with the boss today who thinks that even tho I'm convinced it's just post-coital spotting, I should STILL have it checked out. Yes, it might be trauma from the fingers (and toys - I didn't mention toys tho, I mean... I have to work with the man right?) but it's still better to get an ultrasound done, he says. 

It's free of charge since I'm staff, unless I want to get the prints sent out to a specialist to have them looked at, but otherwise if everything is handled in-house I won't have to pay. Phew. 

(The scan is set for the 26th of April btw.)

As it stands, I'm actually glad I spoke to him about it, cos the spotting has turned into a "regular" flow by now. It's freaking me out a little bit. 

And speaking of getting freaked out... 

Last night (I'm writing this on Wednesday) as I was just finishing up around Blogland I felt a slight ache in my right arm. From the scapula to the tricep area to be precise. I massaged it a little with my left hand, but that didn't quite do the job so BIKSS suggested I use the electrode massager. (Like the one shown here.)

I thought it was a good idea, so for 15 mins I sat with the machine on, all the while trying to type replies to comments (it was difficult let me tell you).

I felt a little better after that and prepared to go to bed. After I shut the lappy down and got into bed the "ache" worsened. It began to spread down my arm right to my fingers, and it was more of a tingle and semi-numbness than an ache by then. 

I thought I would just say goodnight to BIKSS and try to sleep it off. But it was getting more and more uncomfortable. So I told him I was getting worried and wasn't sure what I should do. He calmly asked me a few questions (that were very logical to be honest) and had me move my arm this way and that, and told me to try lying down again etc. And he guessed by my response that it didn't sound life threatening so when I managed to find a position that didn't feel too uncomfortable we signed off and I tried to get to sleep. 

I fell asleep rather quickly, thankfully, and must have been exhausted because I was late waking up this morning despite the alarms. And I don't often miss my alarms.  Luckily I managed to still get out the door on time. When I spoke to the boss about it he diagnosed it as Cervical Radiculopathy. Which really just means that I pissed off a bunch of nerves in my neck. 

Given that the prickly sensation carried all the way down my arm and to my fingertips he was pretty certain that some kind of trauma had taken place higher up (ie. neck) in order for such a large number of nerves to have been affected (ie. the whole arm). 

The verdict - nothing serious. Take a Vit B supplement if it will make me feel better, or an anti-inflammatory cos a muscle might also be pressing on the nerves. Otherwise, it'll sort itself out. It felt mostly normal by morning tho, so I'm not too fussed about it now. BUT OH THE PANIC LAST NIGHT! 

In retrospect I'm so grateful that BIKSS took charge and asked the relevant questions... I'm not sure if he was checking out "stroke symptoms" on the web while doing so, or if he just knows this stuff... but I was clearly in no frame of mind to think clearly. The only thing I DID think to do was check for chest pain. And there was none. 

So, thank you Daddy, for helping to calm me down when I was panicking! Even tho you weren't physically beside me. It really means a lot to me. 💓💓💓

(I'm gonna run off now and mix up a vial of essential oils for nerve-pain relief...)

We Had The Talk

It's a too-long story. But yes we talked. I told him how I felt. And why. And I only finally got the whole story when we talked. He should have just told me ALL of it, the details, from the beginning and then maybe I wouldn't have been so hurt. 

This is the perceived version (me) vs the truth (reality):~

When he first told me he was headed out one Sunday evening, I wish he would have said his friend wanted him at a training session he was conducting to get his opinion on their training. 

NOT - I'm just going to be a busybody and take a look and see what they're doing. 

NOT - It might give me an excuse to come out and meet you on Sundays.

Re taking over the position of coach, I wish he would have said they (his friends) were doing a crap job at training these boys and were never going to be able to form a team the way they were going, so he offered to help train them. Cos they're hoping to have a team ready for tournaments. Wait. I wish he had TOLD ME he was going to be coaching these fellas in the first place. 

NOT - I'm headed out for football training (I didn't even know he was now their coach).

NOT - Cos they don't know what they're doing (when I asked why HE was doing the training).

When I asked what this football training was all about anyway, I wish he would have said this was under the auspices of a charity group that was helping underprivileged kids in an effort to give them something worthwhile to work at, to keep them off the streets, to help them learn about team spirit and build their sense of community. 

NOT - a bunch of kids in the whatever district who have nothing else better to do.

NOT - a group of teens they rounded up to form a team.

I went from being the reason he was even going to this thing to check it out and maybe say he's helping out, to being ignored and set aside FOR this thing he was now in charge of. Without even being told. I felt hurt and chucked aside. 

And whenever I mentioned it he ignored it. Multiple times. Heck every Sunday I would be upset when he said he was headed to training. In my mind that translated to "I'd rather go kick a ball around with a bunch of delinquent kids than spend time with you". 

Because that's what it was. He chose them. Over me. 

And every week when he texted me he was headed to training, that's what I heard. 

We are TTWD/ dd/lg whatever you wanna call it. He's supposed to be the one in charge - the dom, the adult, the protector and solver of problems. In reality, I know there are times when BOTH parties need to fix the problem, it's not a one person job. But I really needed him to step up and say "Look this is bugging you for some reason, and we need to deal with it because I don't like that every Sunday I do this thing and you get upset about it." 

I needed him to sit me down and talk it through and find out just what it was that I was upset about. It took me half a year. To figure out what it was. It took me getting upset week after bloody week to eventually realise I felt he chose them over me. It wasn't MY JOB to figure it out ALL ALONE. But he was no where to be seen - he did the ostrich thing. 

"When I mention it she gets upset, so I shall bring it up as little as possible." 

Which is stupid. IF he had told me about the match they played and lost, or that only 4 guys turned up  that day instead of the 13 they hoped for, or that it wasn't looking likely that they were going to get a proper team up and running anytime soon, or that the charity organisation in charge is hoping to get the team ready by whichever date so that they could go play tournaments; IF he had said ANY of these at ANY point I would have had the opportunity to find out just WHAT this whole damned thing was all about. 

Instead he kept me in the dark. The only information I had to work with was "I did this initially so I could have an excuse to visit you, but I've changed my mind, I'm going to spend Sundays with them instead." 

Wouldn't YOU be pissed? 

In the end he took me thru' the whole story right from the beginning, told me everything about everything and why he didn't get a chance to come visit me after the sessions (wife been sending him there and picking him after cos she wants the car)...  again, it wouldn't have killed him to tell me sooner. 

We made up - it was dealt with. But this spanking that was going to happen next... it was for reconnecting. I know I needed it. And I know why I needed it. But I needed to know HE knew too. I told him I needed to hear it from him - why he was spanking me and what it meant. I told him he didn't get to just spank me for fun and games. That if he was going to have the privilege of spanking me then he had to be worthy of it. And that meant being committed to the responsibility of being Daddy. 

He promised to be more committed to fixing us - that he wouldn't let things go un-dealt with for so long. 

As we were snuggling together afterwards, I started to tear. I realised that I was afraid that I couldn't trust him the way I did before. I wanted to. But I was afraid. With this episode I felt like I had to look after myself,  and work it out myself, and be the one to tell him we needed to talk. Yes, he did say the last time it happened that we would talk about it the next day but we were having a good relaxed time together and I wasn't in the right frame of mind for an emotional discussion. But he never brought it up again. 

I know he can't read my mind. But it's been a good 6 months (before we went to Ho Chi Minh even) that this has been going on. I can't even remember WHEN he started the Sunday thing. Surely that's too long to let something fester? He could have asked. He could have said, "Tell me when you're up to talking." He could have asked if now's a good time. He could have SET a time and said we'll talk on this day no matter what cos we need to. But he didn't. And I kept waiting. Because I couldn't face it. I couldn't figure it out. 

Until I could. Until I did. And it just felt like I was scrambling this whole time to do so alone. 

We're not bonded together - our relationship is fragile. The nature of our affair makes it so. A metal chain could stand a little knocking. But the sliver of spider-web that's holding us together, well, that would float away with the slightest breeze. 

I told him I needed to know that he would do everything he could to keep "us" safe. And not allow this sort of crap to happen again. 

He apologised, and reassured me that he wouldn't ever sweep things under the rug again, not like he did with this particular issue. 

The truth is most of the time he tells me stuff that's going on with him, and when someone's upset  about anything (usually me) we manage to talk about it and sort it out sooner rather than later. But when I don't know how to deal with something or I'm stuck trying to figure out what's going on in my head / heart, then we BOTH end up not talking about it. 

And I can't be the one who does the probing all the time. I need his help too - he needs to know that sometimes HE's gotta be the one who sits ME down and says "We need to talk". 

But yes, for now, this matter has been resolved. All it took was some explanation, not avoidance.

Perfect Timing

Last night I was grumbling to Daddy about how I felt like my plate was so full I didn't have time to have my own "thing". 

He has his footie thing twice a week, then some racket game thing on Sunday mornings, and in the evening once a week he helps to train a bunch of community boys. Altruism is all well and good, and I respect a man who feels strongly about giving back, but I WANT TO HAVE A 'THING' TOO!

I feel it just as much. I wanna feed the homeless, help the elderly, teach the underprivileged kids. BUT I can't find the time to do all that. 

Yes yes, I know, MAKE time.But I don't want to commit to something and then be all tired out and can't see it through. Between half days at work and afternoon classes and doing laundry / food-delivery runs for the folks, and teaching on Sundays, I'm left with ONE day a week to clean house, maybe meet people, and then head to church in the evenings. 

Of course all this grumbling took up our time and we didn't have time for much else. But before he left, Daddy did spank me in my favourite position - lying beside him with my face buried in the crook of his one arm under me. 

I felt better, but also emotionally drained, so I went to bed early, intending to read, but fell asleep 2 hours earlier than usual. 

This afternoon I had to do a food-run for the folks after work, and I texted Daddy along the way. The sibling was coming along and that's always a potential for stressful times. 

He was heading out to a meeting along with his boss and another colleague. And as he was about to sign off, this is what he sent me - 

And sometimes just calling me lidl one at the right time makes me feel comforted ... and strong enough to keep going. 

PS - I deliver old newspapers to a friend's vet clinic nearby cos they're always in need of more! It's about a 12 minute walk away. Well, my student cancelled today so I took the opportunity to walk over there with a load. And I thought, hey, this is kinda my "thing" isn't it? And now I feel a little bit better. :)

Christmas is Coming 20 - The Long One - Where I got Spanked and Fucked

First an update. The Anello bag arrived on Monday (see previous post) and I am super happy with it. I managed to stuff EVERYTHING I need into it. It's a tight fit, but it works!

Also, we didn't go and get the crop after all because I had to run an errand and Daddy wasn't able to drop by earlier... so we're saving that for another time.

(*Long Post Advisory* - and might make you horny too!)

So BIKSS came round after work on Monday. He was supposed to hop into the shower but we got carried away. I climbed on him and we started kissing - that kind of crazy kissing that two people do when they haven't seen each other for eons. Only our kissing always ALWAYS involves his hand wrapped around my throat. Which is the way  all kisses should be, imo.

I was lying on top of him and kissing his neck - which I know really gets him going - but after a time it ended up more like HE was calling the shots!

Of course it's not fair cos he pulled my hair and that just turns me to mush straightaway. 

Then he reached between my legs, panties on, and rubbed all my special bits through the fabric and that was hot all in its own way. I could feel the wetness soaking thru my knickers, getting them messed up, but he didn't seem to care. 

He spent quite some time with his hand between my legs while we continued kissing, and then slipped his fingers between my folds, deftly pushing aside my underwear to gain access. 

I reminded him that he had wanted to take a shower, so soon he stopped, got up and started undressing. When he had taken off his boxers he stepped up to where my head was on the pillow and bade me say hello to Roger. Which I did. Gladly. 

BIKSS was enjoying having Roger in my mouth. And he continued to finger me, I think at one point he gave me some spanks which made me quite the happy little . He pushed his cock into the back of my throat and I  gagged and started tearing. He enjoys that. Roger too. The more I choke the harder he gets, and before long he said, "Daddy wants to come". I looked up at him as he shot his load all the way in the back. Satisfied, he headed off to shower. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we were cuddling we talked about being dominant and submissive. Am I submissive enough? Is what we do only kink in the bedroom? What about when we're out? I shared that I don't feel I'm giving him enough. 

He pointed out to me that I do show deference when we're together, and I come to him for opinions and advice, and look to him for comfort and reassurance, even when we're apart. And that's what a Daddy dom should be, he reckons. What *MY* Daddy dom needs to be for me. 

As we talked he gave me more examples. The bottom line is that he is satisfied that even though he doesn't ask me to kneel, or present (all the time), or sit at his feet, as a show of my obedience, KNOWING that I would whenever he told me to is enough for him. And he stated rather than asked - "If I wanted you to kneel on the floor now, with your head on my lap, you would."

Of course I would. That's a given. 

And that is what his dominance means to him. 

Ok, then. Now that that's sorted. 

He went on to say that knowing I let him do all the kinky things to me that he wants, that is my submission too. 

"Like this," he says as he slaps my cheek. I look up at him and wait for another. 

He goes on, and my pussy contracts. Roger is twitching too. We start playing again, how could we not. 

He turns my head so he can slap the other cheek. I gasp. And my breathing changes. He wraps his hand round my throat, I can barely keep my eyes open. He gets up and reaches for his DIY cuffs. We've never played with them so it was a first for us. He had my arms lifted behind / above me, as I lay on my back. They're attached to a lanyard which he used to keep my hands in place. 

And with his other hand he went to town on my girly bits. He fingered my pussy and rubbed my clit in turn, sometimes to the point of almost hurting, at others barely touching me, making me push up my hips to increase the pressure. 

He went on for too long. I looked hopefully at his cock, barely an inch from my face. He knows what I want when I look at Roger like that. 

"No." 

"No?" 

"No." 

Great. No Roger. Instead he continued to pinch my nipples, slap my boobs, my face, everywhere. He slapped my pussy, I bucked and wriggled.

Wait. That's a noisy toy. What? 

He had gotten Cap'n Silver and pressed it against my clit. His finger was still inside me and his cock, in my mouth. 

He played with me for quite a while before I caved and asked if I could hold the vibe and have a cum. 

"It's about time", he smirked. 

(Later on he made a comment about how strong my thighs were! I was squeezing them together as I held the vibe up against myself. On some days it's harder to cum and this usually helps to move things along for me... he also mentioned how once or twice he was close to pulling out because I was crushing his forearm LOL.) 

When I had had an almighty cum he pulled his cock out of my mouth and fucked me silly. I was super sensitive, both from the extended foreplay and a great massive cum, as well as mentally in the right space after all that rough handling. He continued to grab, choke, slap. The works. It was glorious!

As he was about to cum he pulled out and stood by the bed, aimed at my face and jerked off over my mouth. I don't think he was too concerned about hitting his target tho because I ended up with a "There's Something About Mary" hair gel situation, along with spunk on my eyelid, cheek, just everywhere in the face vicinity.

(Funny thing, I mentioned the movie to Daddy and he said he had never seen it. I found that a little strange because it seems like the kind of film he would watch.) 

After a cleanup in the bathroom we got back to cuddling and more talking. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Fetch the implements," he said. 

I looked over to the table. "What no cane?"

That's my favourite you see. 

He had chosen the back-scratcher, the purple rubber spanker (not shown - go here for pics) and the Christmas paddle and laid them on the desk.

(Some of the toys we use for spanking)

"Can I trade one of them for the cane?" He agreed and I tossed out the back-scratcher. I did ask if he wanted the cane with the hook or the knot at the end... he chose knot. That one is a little heavier but not as whippy as the one with the hook. 

Seeing as we had planned to have a rather thorough spanking session,  I figured I might as well enjoy it as best I could. 

Remember the 50 spanks - with each implement - that we agreed on? It turns out he meant to use his hand too. So that makes it 200 then?

After plenty of smacks with the rubber spanker (I bet there were more than 50) he went on to use the cane. That was pleasant enough, considering we're talking about a spanking here. After that he went on to the Christmas paddle. I figured it out tho. The reason why it seemed more than 50 was because he was doing 50 PER CHEEK! He tends to do them in sets of 10. For ease of counting, I suppose. But the last set with the paddle was only 9 each. Uh-oh. 

After that he continued with lovely hand-spanks till he had reached his number. Then picked up the Christmas paddle again. I knew it. I KNEW IT. 

The last two (one on each cheek) hurt like bluddy anything. Bringing the grand total to 400! Admittedly they weren't all level 10 strokes, but still!

I shrieked and laughed at the same time. Then looked accusingly at him - "That's why there were only 9 right? That last set - I counted." 

"Uh-huh,"  was his reply. And then he grinned, chucked away all the spanking tools and gave me some right ol' loving!