My Depression and Me - an Update

I would like to say a very big thank you for all the words of comfort and hugs I got on my Between Ponderings post.

I've always had a relationship with depression. And as an adult (and with experience) I've become more aware of when it's threatening to overwhelm me, and I try to do what I have to to cope with the bad feelings and "fix" the problem.

Sometimes there is no easy way to do that. Having a place to write stuff down is helpful, but perhaps more so are the friends who support me when I teeter on the edge of normal life, who keep me from diving into the darkness.

BIKSS is one of these friends.

The sadness claimed me at the end of Monday, to be honest, and I'd been barely holding myself together. But I managed to go through my days, easy enough when I've a ton of things to do. Not so easy when night descends and I'm left with my thoughts and they become so loud it's all I hear.

On Wednesday night after writing that post, I sent an email to BIKSS and poured everything out. We made plans for Friday night prior to this, and I wanted to let him know that I couldn't be sure what state I'd be in. He knew already that I was feeling out of it, and Fiona-berry was kind enough to listen to me rant even tho I know it must have been infuriating trying to help and getting a bunch of negative replies.

I cried myself to sleep that night, but come morning I was feeling a little better... wait, no, more like,  disconnected. I had a bunch of things to do that day... but when BIKSS offered to spend an hour with me I could think of nothing else I wanted more. My schedule seemed to work itself out so that we ended up having more than the hour together. 

I was still a little weepy, but as I was having a shower midway thru' his visit I figured out what I needed. I needed to hear him say he would try - he would figure something out. I couldn't accept the possibility of him abandoning me in a panic. 

His hand rested against my cheek, his thumb wiped away errant tears; and promised that no matter what, he'd find a way for us to still be Us. 

I'm Just Too Darned Lazy

BIKSS has gone to attend a friend's son's birthday thingy with his family.

That got me thinking - I'm a right bum when it comes to these sorts of commitments. That's why I never got a dog despite how much I love them. It's just too much responsibility. Heck, even a plant is too much responsibility.

The fact of the matter is that I'm a lazy twat. I'd much rather sit home and catch up on my TV shows, read a book at a coffee shop, clean the house (if I'm feeling energetic) or surf the web and switch off my brain for an hour or two. If the weather's good, I can be found beside a pool or at the beach sunning myself.  And before you say that it's only now that I feel this way because age is catching up on me, I'll have you know that these aren't only-in-my-old-age activities. What I've given you is a sampling from as far back as when I was in my late teens. Aside from the items on that list, the rest of the time I'm probably working (or in school). 

So given that I can't be half-arsed to attend any family functions, even the ones thrown by my own extended family, I'm really beginning to appreciate not having kids and/or having to fulfill such obligations as dinners and parties. Don't get me wrong, I love entertaining at home, and hanging out with friends and spending time with my immediate family. But that's about all I can handle - and not too much at one go neither. 

Aside from ONE boyfriend with whom I participated in weekly family dinners and annual celebrations (birthdays, Christmas, new year, Easter, anniversaries etc) on both sides, mine and his, the rest of my relationships have been of the no-familial-obligations type. 

It's only dawning on me NOW that aside from being unhappy and dissatisfied with the reasons I had to be excluded from their family-life (which is a whole different story), the practical aspect of said exclusion didn't bug me at all. It meant more quality time for myself or my pals. 

Perhaps if I had kids things would be different, *I* would be different. And perhaps if I'd had them when I was younger and didn't have to work so I had more time to balance everything else without having to think about earning a living, I might not be so quick to cringe at the idea of having to attend stuff for anyone else's sake. 

I know it sounds selfish, but at this point, I love that I'm obligation-free, mostly. And (wo-)man enough to admit it. 

So That Smoking Thing?

I want to be able to have a stick now and again. When I say now and again, I kinda mean once a month. And recently we had a bit of a breakthrough cos I said this is possibly the only thing that I know he really doesn't care for and therefore it's my one way of holding on to something that states very clearly that I am not 100% his, just as he cannot be 100% mine. 

I know it's kind of contradictory to the whole TTWD thing, but it's what works for us. Now if we were together 100% things would be different. But as it stands, we're not. He can't be. And I won't allow myself to be either. Can a relationship be calculated? To some degree. Is this a childish tit for tat thing? Perhaps, to some.

I talked about trade-offs previously in a reply to Mr Woods' comment in this post. And I believe the ability to make my own decision on smoking is just my way of holding on to some part of myself. Sure there are other things that he's got me submitting to him in, which I could hold back instead, but those things are either a result of us being together now (and therefore automatically taken care of - my wild child self-damaging lifestyle is long gone!) or stuff that don't matter too much to BIKSS anyway (like sleeping before 3am). 

notice the heart shape in the wall?  

When I read Ward's post today about shutting down and distancing, and how both parties were responsible for keeping themselves and their partners from distancing, it reminded me of a conversation I had with BIKSS when we finally got to the bottom of this smoking matter.

In regards to Kitty's own smoking habit, Mr Woods says he will "wall those emotions off in myself so that she doesn't have to build any walls herself. I'll wall off the pain in my chest that I feel every time I know she's had one, so that she can keep herself totally and completely open to me, as she should." 

BIKSS wanted me to continue to tell him if I had a smoke and he was prepared to do the same. But I wouldn't have it that way. It wasn't a solution I was comfortable with. I didn't want to be responsible for causing him that stab of pain, and knowing that he has to wall that away just so that I would continue to be honest with him. 

In fact, it got to a point where I said there are many things he doesn't get jurisdiction over - family, household affairs, money matters etc. - and when situations arise in these areas of my life I deal with them myself. I don't bring them to him. I don't seek his advice all the time, or rely on him to think and work it through with me, to make the best decision for me/us because in these areas there IS no us. It's just ME. And if my smoking occasionally isn't something that he can accept without building a wall, then we'll just take it off the table entirely, the way some of the other things are completely out of his purview. 

I know it's a little unfair that I want to make him FEEL ok with it. But in the end we got back to the old rule of talking about it (and boy, this one sure took months of talking) and even tho the matter itself evolved over the larger part of a year, in the end I think he recognised that it was because I needed to hold on to it to protect myself from totally giving myself to a relationship that I might later be resentful towards, and I realised that he was just afraid that I'd go back to being a regular all-the-time smoker. 

So eventually he understood why I felt the need to hold on to it - the CHOICE to smoke, not the actual smoking - and I understood his absolute dislike for my wanting to smoke. And as long as I know that I have that liberty, and he knows that I will not go back to full-time smoking, we can now be ok with it. He's said that I don't have to tell him. That he trusts that I will not make it an all-the-time thing, and I will be careful about doing so only occasionally. On my part, I've assured him that it's not that I want to smoke all the time or anything, I just want to know that if I choose to have the occasional stick it won't be the cause of some major heart-breaking catastrophic episode for him. 

I said I'd like to still tell him, if that's ok with him, and he said yes. Remember when I talked about how he said to trust him? Even tho I thought he was just "giving up" or giving in, that in fact he had a change of heart and was now ok with it? This is what we were talking about. And I was so afraid that he was lying - that he would just be saying he's ok with it when really he'd actually still be dying inside and walling up the hurt and ... oh, yeah, did I ever tell you I could be overly-dramatic? So the bottom line is he says he's ok with it, and I trust that it's the truth.

So, yeah. This whole post is really just me realising and sharing what I've learnt - he isn't immune to building walls, and I'm well within my rights and even obliged, in fact, to make sure that he doesn't go putting them up, whether or not he thinks it's for anyone's good. Walls aren't allowed - for either of us. Talking is. And I think I'm slowly believing that no matter what the issue is, we'll always be able to sort it out together. It might take longer than one or two conversations, as evidenced by THIS saga... but I'm convinced we'll ALWAYS get there in the end.

(P.S. He's being SO communicative these days I'm over the moon!! Yeah BIKSS!!)

Can You Handle All Of Me?

24/7?

Could I handle your being angry?

Being upset?

Withdrawn and stressed?

Could I handle your moments of weakness?

Of discomfort, of depression?

Could I handle your idiosyncrasies?

Your flying off the handle?

Your moods?

If you showed up tomorrow and said you were all mine now, I honestly don't know if I would freak out.

But would I let you be my full time 24/7 guy?

Should ever a day arrive that I have to answer that, the answer is Yes.

Snippets - and Realisations

1) Reading Aisha's fantasy story had me thinking about whether I would agree to something like that in real life. The truth is that reading it turns me on. Like a LOT. But as I said to BIKSS earlier, it would never be a reality. 

Here's my side of the chat I had with him on Skype about this:

"In my eyes, you're at the top of the food chain, so if you let anyone else evaluate me, it means you don't think you are...  and i wont accept that logic... it would be flawed.

Cos in that case, I wouldn't be YOUR girl, I'd be HIS - 'cos my Dom is going to be the best one there is.

The only way you would ever have anyone else evaluate me, would be as a teaching method.

I get a real kick from "inspection" pictures 

So if you were showing a lesser dom than you, that would mean you'd be using me, not for your own pleasure, but as an apparatus and I know you wouldn't do that 'cos that's not all I am to you.

And if I may, I would be so bold as to say that you hold me in high enough regard to render me equal in status as you, despite the fact that I am your sub. 

Our Dom/sub relationship does not signify a higher or lower value or worth of each of the individuals in that relationship - but each one is a function - a  role, not a value."

I have to say, he was very pleased with my analysis of the entire situation, and wanted me to post my thoughts on this matter. So here they are.

2) I'm watching Season 5 of Castle and it occurs to me that BIKSS is my very own Richard Castle. He even looks like Nathan Fillion - a broad face, that floppy yet every-strand-in-place hair, and they're both a little on the thick side of the body-type spectrum. 

He'd been interested in Kate forever, but was content to remain in the friend zone 'cos he preferred to be her support rather than push her into becoming anything more (since she wasn't ready) and cause her even more emotional turmoil, especially since he knows the baggage she carries. In the end she realises how much she loves him and goes to him. About bluddy time too. I had to wait 4 seasons for them to hook up!

But that whole scenario sounds awfully familiar. 

3) I'm hoping that this last snippet helps to clear something up for those Hohs / Tops / Doms who still can't quite understand why we want you to spank us. 

It's kind of like this - being spanked is a love connection - like getting kissed, or being hugged. It's as simple as that. The difference is, that every vanilla couple kisses and hugs. However, for those of us who incorporate spanking in our relationships, it is one more action that we can use to share intimacy.  When I get a super-long kiss, I know it means he loves me. When he pulls me close and hugs me tightly, I know it means he never wants to let me go. When he holds me down and spanks my bottom, I know he is committing to being responsible for nurturing and protecting me and keeping me on the right path. 

I never understood it before, when a sub writes that she presents herself to her Dom to be spanked because HE needs a re-set. I could never figure out how if HE is the one stressing over something, doing the spanking would bring him any relief. (And of course I will never truly understand this because I'll never be on the giving end of a spanking - I just don't have it in me!) 'Cos you know us spankos, if we're stressed, GETTING the spanking is the thing that helps!

However, when the worst of the most recent drama was over and we were working on a resolution, it suddenly occurred to me that despite all the feelings of "it was his fault"-ness floating about in my brain, I had the strongest urge to lay myself across his lap, offer him whatever short-range implements we had (spoon, belt, spatula) and announce that if he was really prepared to be my Dom for the long haul, then please spank me and prove it. Spank me hard, and long, and then spank me some more, because for me that seals the deal. 

Why? I wondered. Then my 'Ta - Da!' moment came. The effort that goes into a spanking and the determination to push through even when I am clearly feeling the pain (which I imagine can be difficult to some degree), is evidence of his commitment to us, the D/s part of us. Kissing and hugging and all that vanilla stuff tells me he loves me. But spanking tells me he loves me in our unique way.

In receiving a spanking I commit to being his sub - and I have expressed this sentiment often enough throughout this blog - but it is only now that I see that it is his delivering one which is the reassurance I need of his commitment to being my Dom.