Not Just Clothes on Shein and All Sorts of Pain + a PS

Two totally unrelated topics, I know. But I just had to tell you this. 

Last Friday when I was in bed with a sore foot, I actually was quite naughty asking BIKSS if he had given any thought as to how we could have sex despite the inconvenience! LOL. He said no, but I admitted that I was thinking about it. Haha. The sex was good sex, with a round two blowjob after. But the thing that made it super hot that night was that we played with our crop, on my boobs, on my thighs, on my pussy (WITH undies on).. and then because it was a bit noisy we went and got the cane instead. On my boobs, on my thighs, on my pussy (still with undies on)...  and then he used it on my face... just a tap, enough to sting but no serious lashings. I loved it. Can I just say (again) I really love the cane? 

And we talked a bit about him inflicting pain. In the past he always maintained that he only enjoyed it because he could see how much I  enjoyed receiving the pain. But then pain in itself doesn't turn me on. It's submitting to his pain that does. But if he doesn't want to inflict said pain, then am I submitting to something he wants in the first place? And by the same roundabout theory, if I don't ENJOY the pain for the pain itself, then why bother causing it? HAHA. OK. Anyway, I've been trying to work this out for the longest time, but recently when I've asked him the same question, he's gotten more and more comfortable with the idea that he enjoys hurting me. He does enjoy inflicting pain, he admits. Well then, that's that dilemma solved, I say. 

And he loves to inflict pain on my nipples because I "react" he says. Well, ok, I do like the pinching and twisting BEFORE sex. Or DURING. It really is a magic button. Heh.

But the other thing about nipples... I wrote something about it at the beginning of this blog, I can't remember where (and I've spent too much time trying to look for it, in vain) - one of my exes, wait maybe 2, used to do this thing where they'd sit next to me and cross their arms and use their fingers, hidden under the other arm, to reach across and fiddle with my nipples. I didn't like it. It used to annoy me. Even worse was that I'd told them so but they didn't respect my wishes for it to stop, instead they both insisted "But no one can see... ". But that wasn't the point was it? Pffft. 

So when BIKSS started doing that (IN BED, IN BED, in the privacy of the bedroom because he's a stickler for proper behaviour in public, right down to covering a yawn - yes I get told off every single time, and not with the fondness of a lover but with the sternness of an authoritarian!) I initially flinched and told him that it made me feel cheap and like a piece of meat. 

He reassured me that 1) I'm his sub and he will touch me where he pleases, 2) he only wants to touch my nipples because he loves how they feel in his hands, and he enjoys touching my body in general, 3) that every time he touches them he'll remind me of number 2. And for the most part he has, in the beginning anyway. But I realised that I must have learnt this lesson some time ago, cos I would somehow make mention of it before he did. And that night wasn't any different. 

"I don't like it, but I like it you know?" I told him. "I mean, I'm still not thrilled at having my nipples twiddled with just lying here and hanging out together, but I *do* like that you do it anyway because it reminds me that I'm submitting to you." 

"I know," he said simply. 

And now, on that nipply note, I found these on Shein as I was looking for some white tees for my cousin, since it was free-shipping-day. OK, admittedly they didn't appear out of nowhere. I was searching for nipple covers. And THEN they popped up! (And yes, they sell nipple covers too!)

And since they were so cheap ($3 bucks each, local ccy) I got them both before BIKSS answered my question of "Which one do you think I should get". His answer was also "Ooh, both".

But while I was there, on the "body jewellery" page, I found some other things :

Pretty things no? One doesn't have to only shop the VS site for such things no more.

And then I saw they had a "personal care" section under BEAUTY so I went browsing.... and compiled this bunch of pictures. Wanna play? I'm going to have them numbered... and if you like you can write down what you think they are in the comments below! (Some of them are pretty easy, but others may be less commonly seen in your part of the world.)

And with that I shall bid you all a Happy Week Ahead!

My mood pic today ~

ANOTHER HUGE PS - The announcement this time -  Bleue's blog is back up! And if you already knew this, I'm sorry. I'm kinda late to the party. Thank goodness she popped by yesterday to leave a comment here. Go visit, or make a new friend. Her "about" page is linked here. 

It Has Begun - The State of My State

I live in a small country in Asia. We had some good controls and fabulous contact tracing and things were very calm. Restaurants were still open and people still went to work. 

There were distancing measures, and restaurants had clearly demarcated not-to-be-occupied seats and tables. 

Groups of more than 10 were not allowed, and only family members or people who lived in the same household were allowed to sit side by side. 

We went out to celebrate the boss's birthday yesterday and encountered this new seating rule first hand for the first time. (Over the last couple of months the only "going out" I've had is with BIKSS for quick  dinners once a week maybe.)

The waiter asked if we were family and we said no. Then he proceeded to put some tables together so that they could accomodate all 4 of us in a space that would ordinarily seat 10. 

It was interesting, to say the least. And tiring cos we had to speak to each other at higher than usual volumes. 

But all that changed after I got home. The Prime Minister addressed the nation at 4pm and new measures were announced. 

We had 5 deaths (6, as of this morning) over the week, and with the increasing number of imported cases, community spread was also rising because PEOPLE WERE JUST BEING IRRESPONSIBLE! 

New clusters including 2 nightclubs were identified, and a nursing home was also hit yesterday.

I am now in a pseudo lockdown, without the government actually saying so.

These are some of the measures that have been put in place - I love that people take the time to put it in pictures. 

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As to which sectors are business as usual - 

For a while I wasn't sure if I still had a job cos even tho I'm in healthcare (and that's part of 'essential services'), we're situated in a factory setting and our only patients are the employees in that factory. So if they stop work then we would be made redundant too. 

Thankfully we got news after a couple hours that they have been given the go-ahead to continue operating so it's work as usual for me this Monday onwards. 

However, the downside is that since schools are now shut, some of my kids' parents have decided to take a break from piano lessons - this means I'm down a third of my salary. I understand why, I'm just not happy about it. 

I'm even MORE unhappy at how they phrased their reasons to me - I wish they would just say "We're going to apply the no-school rule to all areas of learning" instead of "Oh, your mum lives with you so it might be risky for her if we come to class, so it's better we stop for now." 

Dudes, now that the new rules are in place, it's even safer for mum. Cos you people won't be travelling to and from work, or hanging out at restaurants with friends, or whatever nonsense thing you were doing right up till yesterday while your kids were coming for lessons. 

So don't say now that new rules are in place it's more risky for mum. If you thought it was risky you would have stopped coming to class 2 months ago given you were still happily gallivanting all about town. 

But anyway. Whatever. 

The shops were crazy packed yesterday and not just after the speech. Pictures of empty shelves had been  making the rounds since morning, even before the PM went live on TV. I guess some people got the news early and started panic buying.

The grocery chains around me are bare. Which sucks cos Friday tends to be my grocery day. AND I'm just about running out of TP and need to get some.

BIKSS came round to help me patch up a section of my ceiling last night and offered to take me grocery shopping after - like close to midnight kind of after - cos he needed to pick up stuff too and hopefully it wouldn't be so crowded late late at night. And also he planned to go to an out-of-the-way 24 hour grocery store that was NOT near any residential estates so that the likelihood of being able to find stuff was higher. 

We managed to find some items, altho there wasn't a lot of choice - definitely wasn't the same as grocery shopping on a regular day. But at least it wasn't ALL bare. 

There was no TP, as expected, and pasta, pasta sauce, chilled meats (beef / pork / chicken) were all out. We managed to get some frozen chicken cuts. (Later on we drove to a gas station mini mart to look for breakfast ham.) 

I found some not-my-favourite-brand canned tuna and picked up the last two tins of stewed pork that I wanted. Managed a tin of pate for mum, but no crusty bread in sight. 

And there is now a nationwide shortage of baked beans. I'm not kidding. NO BAKED BEANS in any store. It's like they got a fright and went into hiding.

I did find some salted macadamias which at least made me feel better. With everyone on a healthy-eating kick over the last few years it has been almost impossible to find salted nuts (except for peanuts which I don't like).  And yes, it IS ok for me to have salt in my nuts because #LowBP.

We made do with whatever brand of yoghurt we could find, cos our usual was out of stock. I also picked up some fishballs, fishcakes and similar things (I don't know if you are familiar with that so I included a link, but it's pretty common in Asia - see pic) and a big ol' bottle of Ribena cordial for myself. Because that makes me happy, and I could do with happy right now. 

BIKSS was really sweet. As soon as he heard about my income loss he offered help. And I said ok. Well, I went around the bush first, *then* said ok.

He offered to help with buying groceries, and then said if I needed cash just ask. 

To be fair, he has always been quite happy to pick up the tab for my groceries, but I'm a proud woman and I've always just said I would pay my own way - and he can just buy us dinners on dates instead.

I also worry that I'll be putting a strain on his own finances, I mean he's not exactly rolling in dough yanno? But he reassured me saying that since we don't eat out as much these days with the virus on the loose, he's doing ok cash-wise so I should ask him for help if I need it. I guess if there ever was a time that I needed to trust him, this is it. In fact, if there ever was a time that we ALL needed to hold on to trust (and faith) in ANYTHING, this is it. 

So that was my rather emotionally exhausting day... I'm glad BIKSS managed to come by for cuddles and back scratchies. The physical intimacy (along with some twiddling and sex) did relax me heaps, even tho I'm convinced my lady-plumbing is getting more and more broken, thank you perimenopause... but that's a story for another day. 

It's Getting Easier...

... to ask him for help. To say it's heavy, please take it off my breaking arms. 

... to tell him my thoughts. From big lofty dreams to sick fantasies; from mundane musings to exciteable adventures. Even tho I realise what I call adventure may be just a trip to the bookstore for some. 

... to say don't go. I need you. Stay 5 minutes longer cos I'm feeling adrift and I need an anchor. 

... to admit that I dreamed sexy dreams about someone else, that I got butterflies in my tummy when I saw the father of my godson in a plaid shirt in church. 

... to not freak out and panic at every little thing. Cos Daddy's right there and even if something measures "disaster" on my scale of 1 to 10, the fact that he's not freaking out along with me probably means it's closer to "oh crap, that's inconvenient". Usually he's right. And I'm learning to trust his scale and adjust my own.

... to let him pay for stuff. "I have no money. Will you feed me?" And he always wants to, I just used to feel bad about it. I feel less bad now. 

... to tell him what I want. Buy me a book Daddy!? That's how I scored my Dr Seuss books innit?

... to let him love me. To believe that I'm loveable the way I am. Instead of thinking I have to constantly prove that I'm worth loving. 

Spanking the Stress Away

*Long emo post advisory*

Last Saturday Daddy dropped a bomb on me that really doesn't involve me at all, except that I could be collateral damage. Well, ok, he insists I'm a pessimist. I prefer the term Realist. He didn't see at first that it could make any great deal of difference. But I did.

The news sorta got blurted out, and the timing couldn't have been worse. He had originally intended to let me know in person cos these sorts of things can hit me hard. It has to do with his family - which usually only serves to underscore the glaring reality that he has a whole other life that I have nothing to do with. A more important life. A part of his life that is way bigger than I am or ever will be. 

I can hear the tut tuts, and the admonishments of "but you knew what you were getting into". Yeah I know, I know. Are you done? 

Right. Can I go on now? 

Anyway, my stomach had been gassy all Saturday morning as it was. When I got the news dumped on me so unceremoniously like that it just about made me totally sick. There's a Chinese saying that the stomach is the second brain. I think it means that when one is stressed, the symptoms tend to appear in one's tummy. It certainly is that way for me. (I might have mentioned this in an earlier post too, when I was stressing out about the parental units.)

Saturday is probably the worst time for me to get upsetting BIKSS news. I wouldn't be seeing him all weekend (I usually don't) and I would have to wait for Monday evening to have anything resembling a discussion about it. 

I was still a bit messed up on Sunday morning, but modern medicine is a wonderful thing. And I even went on a blind date on Sunday evening (but that's not the important bit of this story... I'll write something about that later perhaps). 

Monday morning rolled around and my gut was still upset with me. But work is work and unless I'm dying I'll go in. I'm dedicated like that. 

He did take me to work but the short commute wasn't the right time or place to have a discussion of any sort. 

We had plans to meet after work to have dinner and spend some time together. [read: deal with this shit.]

We went to a nearby stop for a quick dinner then came back to my place. After a shower and crawling into bed, I told him everything I was feeling. Like EVERYTHING. In the past I used to shut down and hide and pretend nothing was wrong; that I had dealt with it cos Hey, I'm a big girl, and you don't owe me nothing. 

PK wrote about how she retreats within her head and doesn't make her needs known to Nick. I'm quoting the bit I love best here :

I don’t scream and yell, I don’t curse and throw things. I slip away so quietly and so undetected that I’m sure he rarely knows I’m doing it. I don’t pout, I don’t give him the silent treatment, but I rarely start conversations. I don’t even give him dirty looks or eye rolls. I just go way where nothing he says or does affects me. It’s the ‘sure, fine, whatever’ mode. This may not seem so horrible, but it can seriously damage a relationship.

Sometime I wish he noticed. Sometimes I wish he’d call me on it. Sometimes I wish he’d give me a hard, serious spanking to snap me out of it. And if he doesn’t think I’m truly ‘back’ when he’s finished, I wish he would spank me again. Sometimes.

Other time I’m glad he doesn’t notice.

Boy, I can hear Nick’s thoughts on this. “Let me get this straight, I don’t know when you’re even doing this, but I’m supposed to recognize when it happens – even though you’re giving me no hints at all. But if I think it’s happening I should bust your ass, unless it’s one of the times you really don’t want me to notice, and then I should just leave you alone. Is that about it?”

Ok, sorry for borrowing that whole chunk, PK. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is essentially what I used to do all the time. And it's easy to slip back into it. I've done it all my life, you know? 

But back to Monday night. So I let it all out. I figure (with that timely reminder from PK/ Cassie) I should just tell him. Pretending to be clever and grown up and all that isn't going to work. I've been sick to my stomach for three days now. And if I didn't let it out goodness knows what kind of wreck I'd be by the end of the week, never mind anything further along than that!

We talked and I cried and I wailed and he seemed defeated and exasperated and annoyed(?) at some points, I was resigned, and disheartened, he was optimistic and encouraging... we pretty much went through a whole bunch of adjectives that night, and I was stressing so badly I hauled him out of bed and headed to the kitchen for a ciggie at my smoking corner. 

(Long time readers will know BIKSS is not a fan of me smoking, and when I'm with him I don't. Not unless I'm feeling rebellious. Or on holiday. But tonight wasn't about rebellion. It was stress. Pure and simple.)

We came back into the room and continued. It took a couple of hours. But eventually I told him what I needed. I needed assurances. I needed to know he didn't treat me like an afterthought. I needed to know that he would acknowledge there will (fine, MIGHT - he insists it's MIGHT and not WILL) be changes and he would do his darnedest to work around them. 

And finally I got what I needed. I needed to hear those words from him. (Hopefully, in the future BEFORE I start spiralling.)

I told him that it's horrible having these spirals because resolving them always takes time away from our spanking-n-sex sessions. 

He replied we could still get one in if I turned over now. 

I did. He spanked. And I started sniffing. And the tears came. And he felt me clench (my fist, not my butt cheeks cos that actually makes the spanking hurt more!) and shift and rub my face against his arm. 

(BIKSS spanks holding me like this only I'm facing down)

He stopped for a bit. To whisper gentle shushes.. said 'little girl' a couple of times. It wasn't a question; didn't need a response. Just a statement of fact. "Little girl." 

I sniffed. He continued to spank me. I held on to him tight. 

"We'll be ok.. hm?" 

I nodded. He rubbed my bum. It hurt. More than usual. 

When my breathing slowed some, he started spanking again. Multiple smacks in the same spot. Then same on the other cheek. This was a lot for BIKSS. Most of the time I feel I'm not getting spanked enough! 

Yet this evening twice when I thought he was done - and I was happy for him to be - he wasn't. 

As I recall I'd only ever been spanked to tears ONCE.  But later on BIKSS said I have in fact shed tears while being spanked before. A number of times too.

"When?"

"When? Those times when I spanked you but didn't automatically reach between your legs to check how wet you are."

(But most of our spankings are fun sex spankings right?)

"So even if you start out with the intention of spank-for-sex fun and I end up getting emotional in my head and start tearing, you know?"

"Yes. I can hear you ... and your reaction is different, your body tenses up. You grip my arm, your hands clench; the way you breathe and move... I can tell.  

I suppose he should be able to by now, I mean he's been spanking me for a while now eh? 

And I don't even remember that I've cried at other spankings before. Who knew! (Oh, him apparently.) 

(Because I love unicorns right?)

It felt good. Release. Relief. Refreshed. Reconnected. Getting it all out and not having to push it down and keep it in my belly. 

He did reach down to put his finger(s) in me. I asked if I was wet. Very, was his reply. 

He instructed me to move against his fingers. I moaned as I did what he asked. He had me put Roger in my mouth. He gripped my hair to bounce MY head up and down over his 'head'. Strange thing - when he does this he's usually watching me. He didn't today. I shifted my gaze up to look at him and he had his eyes closed, head facing upwards. Pleasure. It was the look of pleasure. 

And it was his turn to moan. A pinched nipple, a forced shove to the back of my throat. Held there. I was gagging. 

I was his. Still his. Despite all that crazy that was going on inside my head. He flipped me over and entered me. And I held on to his back, my mouth searched for that special place at his neck. His mouth and tongue found my nipples - one then the other. And he came. 

If the spanking was a letting go, then what followed after was a reclamation. I felt like I belonged again. I wasn't floundering anymore - the way I had been for the last three days, trying to solve and sort on my own. 

My tummy does feel better now. Hopefully the rest of the week goes smoothly and any spankings we partake in will be of the fun kind.

Dialogues on and off the Island

We're back. And you'll get to see the pics and hear all the juicy details later when I've sorted them all out. 

But first, I wanted to share the deeper stuff with you. It's late and I just got home so I'm a little muddled but I'll try to make this as organised as possible - I hope it makes some sense to you :)

The spank-fest that was to be? Well, it turned out the walls were THIN and we could HEAR the neighbours when they moved into the chalet beside us. That kinda put a damper on the whole spanking thing at first. And of course I teased BIKSS about it. I told him he PROMISED me a spank-fest. Well, that led to Dialogue number 1 - a deeper conversation about him being less and less Dom lately. 

I told him that's how I felt. But he made me realise that it's not about him barking out commands or speaking in that Dommy voice. The reason it feels to me that he's being less Dom is because I've just been more sub. 

Firstly, when it comes to the important stuff, where I need him to help me make decisions and work thru the options concerning things like my job, house, major stuff, I still do come to him and listen to what he has to say. Then I make a choice based on his opinion too. So, yeah, that's him being my Dom.

Second, when it comes to manners -  how I speak to him, tone of voice, things I say, choosing not to be argumentative etc, I have been doing pretty darn well. No rude quips or snide or snarky remarks. So, yeah, I guess that's him being my Dom (and me behaving appropriately for him). 

Third, there's the issue of bedroom kink. We haven't really played a lot recently, not many "scenes" I suppose, but then that can be rather tiring and sometimes I'm kinda glad that we don't spend 3 hours just "playing" and then have to part ways. Considering we don't spend a lot of time together, it's kinda nice to just have sex and then spend the rest of the time cuddling, and then having sex some more, and then talking and cuddling some more. Planning and carrying out a scene would take some setting up, time to build up the intensity etc. It can take up a lot of our already limited time together and in the past has sometimes left me feeling like we didn't do anything much together besides have kinky sex. What about telling me to give you what you desire? Like a blowjob, or to kneel for you, or playing with some of our less-time-consuming-needs-no-setup toys like the nipple clips or dildos, etc? 

BIKSS explained this to me thus: - Dom requires sub to do something. Dom tells sub. Sub obeys and does so. Sub wants to serve Dom well. So preempts Dom's request in future. Sub initiates action, pleasing Dom. Dom doesn't have to ask/tell/command anymore. 

Hah. So I've been doing the stuff you want me to do before you have a chance to ask me to? And that's why you don't necessarily ask me for anything? Well then, I guess that's me serving my Dom. Which is to say, he's still being my Dom. 

In that case, instead of me thinking that BIKSS hasn't been Dommy recently, I really should shift the way I look at our relationship. The D/s has become so much a part of us that I've stopped noticing it. And all I have to do to bring it back into the forefront of my awareness is to remember that all the things I do, I do for him, to serve him, to be pleasing to him. The blowjobs I initiate are to pleasure him. The kneeling beside his feet is to honour him. The cooking and cleaning and keeping things in order around the house are to ensure he is comfortable and at ease when he comes to visit. 

The truth is he never stopped being Dommy. He still yanks my hair, grabs my neck, sticks his fingers in my mouth, smacks my ass when we're having sex. Perhaps I've just grown accustomed to being his sex toy. To be used in this manner. To be his plaything. And to be loved, cared for, cherished and held. All these things have been rolled into one Daddy Dom package. 

Which brought me to Dialogue number two.  All those other toys that I want to play with while we're getting hot and heavy? Ask, he tells me. He wants me to tell him if I feel like I'm keen on a certain toy on any given day. This is no surprise to me, really. He's always had the same goal in mind whenever we're in bed - for me to enjoy myself as much as I can. He's never been about controlling my orgasms or denying me pleasure/satisfaction. Sure, he's chosen to fuck my mouth over having sex, leaving my wet pussy grumbling at me (and him), but otherwise he's always wanted sex to be about my enjoyment too. 

This made me admit to him that I have always felt guilty about having sex. We talked about some old relationships, I told him some stuff that I hadn't told him before... I reminded him some things I may have mentioned before that didn't seem significant until now when it got brought up in this context. The big revelation isn't all that big a revelation I suppose - I feel guilty about enjoying sex, so when HE tells me to put some clamps on my nipples, I do it cos he says so. It's not MY choice so I'm not responsible for it. It's an old tale, one that many subs are familiar with. But I don't think I've ever told BIKSS just how much of an issue I have with this particular thing. So last night he found out. And as he put our clips on my nipples he said the words I needed to hear - Daddy says it's alright... Daddy doesn't judge you. And as I breathed thru the pain he held on to me, his hand caressing my chest, my breasts, my neck, his grip tightening around my throat. He showered me with soothing words and soft kisses. He stroked me all over. And I shut my eyes and took it all in. He released the clips, then put them back on, adjusting them so they bit down on more flesh. 

After playing with me for some time (during which I floated away in snatches to that sub-space happy place) he removed the clips and shushed me thru the pain as the blood rushed back into my nipples. And then a mosquito got in the way and distracted BIKSS and the telly was on (I thought it best to have some ambient noise to throw the neighbours off) and something caught his attention. And suddenly there was no more aftercare. But I managed to pull myself together, and after turning to him and hinting that I needed him some more, he continued to take care of me, ending the session with some intense love-making!

Which brings me to Dialogue number three. As I was writing this I was also chatting with BIKSS on IM and I told him that I felt a slight panic when I thought he had abandoned me after taking the clips off. That I was feeling vulnerable when he got distracted and so I made a split-second decision to be resilient and strong instead of breaking down and telling him I needed him. Which is what I think I need to do more often. I told him this left me confused because even in my barest, most open state I felt that I had to be tough and strong. Which is kinda contrary to the whole submission state of mind I was in. Or supposed to be in. Or WAS in. BIKSS thinks I should trust that he will be back to take care of me, that I shouldn't panic and worry and have to be "strong". That I should believe he won't abandon me. 

And that's the problem. There have been occasions when I start to say something in the "I need you" category (but without actually saying it) and since it sometimes takes me a long time to lead up to the point, along the way our conversations sometimes meander and BIKSS maintains the lighthearted banter. Or he gets distracted and we end up talking about something else. Or .... 

I don't tell him I need him. Maybe I should. Yes, I definitely should. Sometimes I do. But it's like maybe 50% of the time.

He says I shouldn't worry about what I think HE may think. But that's not it. I worry about what *I* might think. 

"You don't want to be weak? OR do you think you should be strong enough to handle it?" he asked.

The first one, I told him. He says to look at it this way - "By telling me, you are being strong and looking after your needs; you are being strong by not feeling bad about telling me. You need an anchor - something you can grab on to."

But that's what scares me. Wanna hear why I don't tell him I need him? Cos I'm afraid that if I do, and he's not there for me, then I'll be disappointed. And I don't want to take that chance. I don't want to give him any opportunity to disappoint me. I am afraid. Plain and simple.

So these are his words of wisdom for me for tonight - "Give in to the fear with the knowledge that I AM there, maybe not always but that if you ask I will be there. Face it... It'll take practice."  I replied that I felt like it was going to be such a daunting task.  He reassured me that I'll be fine. 

"I'll hold your hand."

Pondering a Year (Part 1)

If you think this is going to be one of those "what have I learnt in the last year" kind of posts, you'd not be far off. 

If you think you're gonna hear what we did on our anniversary, you'd be correct too. 

If you think this is a summary of how far we've come since we first tiptoed into the world of D/s, you'd be spot on. 

There. Looks like I don't have to write this post after all :-)

Ta Da !

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NO? I still have to write it? Ah well, it was worth a try!

So here goes. 

Remember the massage I said I bought BIKSS for his birthday? The couple's massage? Well there was a problem with booking the appointment and in the end we cancelled it, with a refund of course. 

That kinda put a kink (the OTHER kind) in our Anniversary plans. So BIKSS suggested we drive across the border for a half day trip, to get a massage over where the exchange rate was in our favour, and hunt down some Wanton Mee for lunch. Then we could come back in the afternoon and still have lots of time to play and cuddle. 

When we got to the massage place there was yet another hiccup. They assigned me a masseur instead of a masseuse. He hardly spoke any English, being Thai, and after some back-and-forthing and disappearing and re-appearing, I got a little impatient. I kept saying I wanted a woman, he kept saying "I can massage for you?" and when he showed up the third time I raised my voice, and texted BIKSS about what was going on. Yes, as it turns out, we weren't sharing a room. But then, we hadn't booked for a couple thing so I guess that's not something we could have fussed about. 

What WAS unexpected was that BIKSS showed up at my room about 2 mins later, calling my name. By this time a lady had come in to take over (finally!), and so when he interrupted his own session to come to my rescue, I was already lying on the massage bed. Once he saw that I was sorted, he went back to his own room. I was touched, and I knew there and then that no matter what, he would always come for me. That was a very comforting, satisfying thought to accompany me for the next hour while I got my muscles kneaded. I can't say I enjoyed it totally tho, cos I was paranoid and every time she left the room and came back in (once to go to the loo, another time to go get a warm towel) I looked up to make sure that it was still the same person and the other fella didn't come back in to take over.

When that was done, we left to get lunch, but could find no wanton mee anywhere. So we gave up the search (cos we'd already had some for breakfast before heading out!!) and sent the car in for a bubble wash. Or foam wash. Or whatever they call it. 

Oops, sneaky me. Yes, we already had some for breakfast!

We went to a nearby mall while we waited for the car, where we came across a sign pointing towards a food alley, and one of the dishes on its menu was, you guessed it, wanton mee! Of course we had to have some. Look at us, decadence personified - having the same dish for breakfast AND lunch! 

This one was yummier than the breakfast one.

We decided to head home after that. On the drive back we talked about something I thought I needed help with. You see, the day before the trip I was fussing because I didn't have much spending money left and I would get paid only on Tuesday. And I didn't want to dip into my Emergency / House fund, if I could help it. (It's not easy to get to that cash anyway, cos there isn't an ATM near me for the bank where I stash that fund. For good reason.)  The thing is, we needed to exchange some foreign currency and it's not like I could have just taken 40 bucks along with me. It's always prudent to have extra cash, especially in a foreign country, and even tho we wouldn't have needed that much, I thought I should have at least a hundred with me. Besides, the massage was supposed to be my gift to him!

So after thinking for a bit, and after MUCH hmm-ing and haw-ing, I finally asked BIKSS if he had enough for both of us, so that I didn't have to dig into my other account, and told him I'd return the money on Tuesday when I got paid. Yes, ok, no biggie right? But that's the thing. The way I was feeling, you'd have thought I was asking him for a kidney!

He said it was no problem. I realised it shouldn't have affected me THAT much. So I told him that I'd like some help with this as it bothered me quite a bit that I had that much difficulty asking him to front me the money. 

Anyway, by the time we got home we'd pretty much sorted that (and me) out. Looking at it now, I'm amazed at my behaviour. A year ago if anyone had told me that I'd be able to trust someone so deeply that I'd open myself up to such vulnerability I'd have laughed my head off. 

Look at me now.

I think that must be the biggest lesson I've learnt this year - acknowledging the things that I need help with, and allowing myself to trust BIKSS enough to ask for it. But then, he makes it easy! 

(...Stay tuned for part II)

The Kink in the Convo

First, a little background:

BIKSS cycled over on his new bike and then we went for a 30 min walk. 

When we were done and back home, we mucked about the house for a while, not doing very much. Just talking and munching on leftover dessert (yeah, yeah... I know... negates all the good done by exercising - but my policy is walking and eating is better than NOT walking and still eating).

So as I was exploding with disbelief about how idiotic people can be, BIKSS sat sideways on the lounge side of my sofa and pointed to a spot between his legs, on the floor. 

I wasn't sure what was expected, so I made an educated guess and moved to kneel where he indicated while I carried on regaling him with what's-wrong-with-these-people stories.

The following conversation took place via text, and seeing the D/s flow so naturally into our exchanges always makes me smile. I think in the beginning it might have been a little awkward for us to talk about this stuff only because it's usually so hush hush. But we seem to have gotten over it. And BIKSS seems to have gotten over whatever uneasiness he might have had in the beginning about telling me what to do. 

"I like that you asked me to sit / kneel in front of you."

"I liked that you came to do so."

"Wasn't sure what you wanted tho... sit? stand? kneel? I just guessed."

"You got it tho. When I'm sitting you kneel or sit. No reason to stand."

"Understood."

" And if I want you to do something specifically I'll say so."

"Yes hun."

"*Kiss emote* Good girl."

"I enjoy going to you. I feel safe... I feel owned - that's it."

"You know why? Cos you know you're mine. And although you may sometimes doubt, it's getting stronger, the feeling of belonging."

"I know I'm doubting less. And believing and trusting more. It feels good. Scary but good."

"Yes, it can be scary to let go. Especially of long held beliefs." 

"You cannot let me go... and I know you won't."





<- that was his answer.

If you're curious at all as to what we were talking about before this, I think it was the size of his bicycle tyres, the fact that "aha" is easier and faster to type than "uh huh" and how my shoulder was aching from having pulled a muscle earlier. Oh, and whether he might be able to find some time tomorrow to come over to give me a spanking cos we probably won't see each other till Monday (on account of Holy Week and Easter Sunday) and neither of us brought it up earlier. We BOTH thought it, but no one said anything cos we felt too dirty and sweaty for a spanking! 

And the conversation that followed the excerpt contained "you're a big hunk of sweet mushy Dom" (me), "hunka hunka burnin lurve" (that was HIM) and some talk about it being late and him getting to bed before he dozes off on the fone.

Yeah, I love that we can be silly and sweet and serious and kinky all at the same time.

Monday Musings

It's been a while since I wrote - mostly cos I've been busy with baking more cakes to sell to friends.

Yes, I've decided that I will officially be baking and selling my layer cakes all year round now, and not just during the festive season. 

It'll be a good way to keep me occupied, and I like baking anyway. It's therapeutic. Slapping on layer after mindless layer of batter doesn't require any thinking. I can switch my brain off for an hour or so while I bake, and it's fun thinking up new flavours to add to the basic recipe.

I've finally bought myself a kitchen counter that I have dedicated solely to my baking endeavours. On it I've got my mixer and oven, and everything else bake-related is now happily housed on wire racks under it. BIKSS helped me put it together last Thursday, and of course because he's a man, at some point we had to undo the whole thing and actually look at the instructions and start over. He insists that's half the fun- trying to build something without first reading the manual. I'm not sure I share his point of view. But either way, I'm proud of myself for not making any fuss. As a matter of fact, I felt no stress, didn't feel inclined to say I-told-you-so... I think we're finally beginning to just flow naturally now... almost a year on. 

It seems like the D/s isn't something that's in focus anymore. I'm tempted to say it's not present. But I know that's not true. In fact, it's omnipresent. It's part of who we are. There's no issue of "getting into the right frame of mind" now, and I think that's a good thing. It's subconscious, and we're really enjoying each other in a way I've never experienced before in past relationships. I finally feel, um, calm. Yeah, that's a good word.

And the ONE big thing I've noticed about all this - the less I gripe and bitch and simply allow him to steer us on, the more likely he is to do his darnedest to keep me happy and meet my needs / wants. The key was just to trust that he's thinking and doing what's best for us - BOTH of us, not just himself! 

So what's a sub to do while her man's busy planning and sussing and thinking? 

Why, bake, of course! So in honour of Dom-appreciation day, we're having cottage pie for dinner, and eclairs for dessert. I hope he's hungry!

B for BIKSS

So That Smoking Thing?

I want to be able to have a stick now and again. When I say now and again, I kinda mean once a month. And recently we had a bit of a breakthrough cos I said this is possibly the only thing that I know he really doesn't care for and therefore it's my one way of holding on to something that states very clearly that I am not 100% his, just as he cannot be 100% mine. 

I know it's kind of contradictory to the whole TTWD thing, but it's what works for us. Now if we were together 100% things would be different. But as it stands, we're not. He can't be. And I won't allow myself to be either. Can a relationship be calculated? To some degree. Is this a childish tit for tat thing? Perhaps, to some.

I talked about trade-offs previously in a reply to Mr Woods' comment in this post. And I believe the ability to make my own decision on smoking is just my way of holding on to some part of myself. Sure there are other things that he's got me submitting to him in, which I could hold back instead, but those things are either a result of us being together now (and therefore automatically taken care of - my wild child self-damaging lifestyle is long gone!) or stuff that don't matter too much to BIKSS anyway (like sleeping before 3am). 

notice the heart shape in the wall?  

When I read Ward's post today about shutting down and distancing, and how both parties were responsible for keeping themselves and their partners from distancing, it reminded me of a conversation I had with BIKSS when we finally got to the bottom of this smoking matter.

In regards to Kitty's own smoking habit, Mr Woods says he will "wall those emotions off in myself so that she doesn't have to build any walls herself. I'll wall off the pain in my chest that I feel every time I know she's had one, so that she can keep herself totally and completely open to me, as she should." 

BIKSS wanted me to continue to tell him if I had a smoke and he was prepared to do the same. But I wouldn't have it that way. It wasn't a solution I was comfortable with. I didn't want to be responsible for causing him that stab of pain, and knowing that he has to wall that away just so that I would continue to be honest with him. 

In fact, it got to a point where I said there are many things he doesn't get jurisdiction over - family, household affairs, money matters etc. - and when situations arise in these areas of my life I deal with them myself. I don't bring them to him. I don't seek his advice all the time, or rely on him to think and work it through with me, to make the best decision for me/us because in these areas there IS no us. It's just ME. And if my smoking occasionally isn't something that he can accept without building a wall, then we'll just take it off the table entirely, the way some of the other things are completely out of his purview. 

I know it's a little unfair that I want to make him FEEL ok with it. But in the end we got back to the old rule of talking about it (and boy, this one sure took months of talking) and even tho the matter itself evolved over the larger part of a year, in the end I think he recognised that it was because I needed to hold on to it to protect myself from totally giving myself to a relationship that I might later be resentful towards, and I realised that he was just afraid that I'd go back to being a regular all-the-time smoker. 

So eventually he understood why I felt the need to hold on to it - the CHOICE to smoke, not the actual smoking - and I understood his absolute dislike for my wanting to smoke. And as long as I know that I have that liberty, and he knows that I will not go back to full-time smoking, we can now be ok with it. He's said that I don't have to tell him. That he trusts that I will not make it an all-the-time thing, and I will be careful about doing so only occasionally. On my part, I've assured him that it's not that I want to smoke all the time or anything, I just want to know that if I choose to have the occasional stick it won't be the cause of some major heart-breaking catastrophic episode for him. 

I said I'd like to still tell him, if that's ok with him, and he said yes. Remember when I talked about how he said to trust him? Even tho I thought he was just "giving up" or giving in, that in fact he had a change of heart and was now ok with it? This is what we were talking about. And I was so afraid that he was lying - that he would just be saying he's ok with it when really he'd actually still be dying inside and walling up the hurt and ... oh, yeah, did I ever tell you I could be overly-dramatic? So the bottom line is he says he's ok with it, and I trust that it's the truth.

So, yeah. This whole post is really just me realising and sharing what I've learnt - he isn't immune to building walls, and I'm well within my rights and even obliged, in fact, to make sure that he doesn't go putting them up, whether or not he thinks it's for anyone's good. Walls aren't allowed - for either of us. Talking is. And I think I'm slowly believing that no matter what the issue is, we'll always be able to sort it out together. It might take longer than one or two conversations, as evidenced by THIS saga... but I'm convinced we'll ALWAYS get there in the end.

(P.S. He's being SO communicative these days I'm over the moon!! Yeah BIKSS!!)

Hand Prints - Framed

Remember the spanking knickers? 

I wore them for BIKSS all excited last night, after our walk, and he decided we would try them out. 

Somewhere along the line he decided the exposed flesh being "framed" by the knickers would make a nice picture so he decided to do a repeat performance of the LOL day handprints. Here it is...  If you look closely enough, you'll see some faint finger prints on the left cheek too!

After we were done with spanking, amidst the usual Fondles-can't-shut-up chatter, we got back onto a touchy subject from before (which I sooo won't bore you with cos it's been done to death!) and in the end after navigating some roundabouts we finally managed to come to a compromise. But the more important thing that emerged from that conversation is I finally realised I have trust issues! 

So I can trust him (and my partners/boyfriends in general) in a lot of ways and about many things. But with some other things - particularly when there is a change of mind or heart - I find myself questioning if he's only "agreeing" with me because I nagged / manipulated / goaded / guilted / convinced him into doing so. That is, if he was unhappy about something before, and then after a time he came around into thinking it's not so bad after all, I can't help but wonder if that's just him giving up and resigning himself to the helplessness of fighting with me. Cos I always feel like there's BOUND to be some resentment there if it was. 

Anyway he said something important to me - after convincing me that he was ok/ comfortable with his decision, and I was still sobbing cos I felt like something wasn't right - he said I had to just trust him. To trust that we were good and there's no resentment cos it's the truth and how do I know that's the REAL truth? I just have to TRUST HIM. 

Oh. It's that simple. 

What Shall We Do About That Elephant?

I had wanted to eat a particular noodle dish that had prawns in it. I often don't eat this when I'm out and about because the prawns are usually pre-cooked and left out at room temperature, often being added to the noodles only in the last stages of cooking. I have a stomach that is sensitive to left-outside-prawns. 

This means that if I DO buy this particular dish, it will have to be as a take-away so that I can come back home and nuke it before eating. 

Now BIKSS was on the way to see me today and asked if I wanted some of this awesome stuff for dinner, and since I was going to be home and able to pop it in the microwave, I jumped at the chance!

After my shower I put on a pretty white and orange underwear set. Then threw a bathrobe over it to have dinner in. It was delish! And even tastier knowing that he had thought of me, and of a conversation we had recently about my craving for this particular dish. (I love you for thinking of me, Master.) When we were done I washed the dishes and he popped into the bath. 

We lay in bed and kissed, like a lot. And he had me take the cane out. I hesitated. And he whispered deliberately into my ear again - Get the cane.

Why do I have to get it?

Because I said so. 

He positioned me so that I was kneeling with my ass presented to him, and my mouth over his cock. 

And he began to cane my bottom. Light taps, interspersed with some very meaningful strokes when I wasn't expecting it. He tapped between my legs too, it was a turn-on and painful all at the same time! 

Now I wasn't expecting it but it seems BIKSS was mighty keen to keep me stewing for a bit, as he reached for Cap'n Silver and lubed it up and put that in my ass! This was a first! Usually it's a finger, or once or twice we used a plug. When he turned on the vibrations and carried on with the cane, I just about lost all sense of what was happening. He rubbed my clit with his fingers, and at one point I was wondering how he was doing all that. I mean, how many hands did he have?

Still, that wasn't a concern for my little head at that moment. When he pulled the vibe out he must have seen my upper body flop down from exhaustion on the bed. I didn't move. I was so well heated up! 

Now the question is, which hole do I fuck?

It doesn't matter. I don't care. Just fuck me.

Well, your arse IS ready...

And he did. He fucked my behind. It's been a while and it was tough fitting Roger in there... but with Cap'n Silver's help, we managed.

But as you know, all good things must come to an end. And so he came, in my back end. The clean up caper followed, and eventually we settled back into bed and lay together. 

So are we going to deal with the elephant in the room? I whispered.

And we did. Like I knew we would. I have so much faith in his ability to get me. And he didn't let me down. Do we have a plan for moving forward? Yes. Is it something that we can both work with? Yes. Is it the perfect solution to our situation? No... but then given that we have a peculiar circumstance, I think we're both doing ok in terms of making sure the equation balances out.

You know, like when you balance equations in Chem?

I could never do that. I failed Chemistry.

So did I. 

And I knew that we were alright. We'd be able to sort this mess out and continue on our journey together. Then I crawled into him and let him wrap me up in his arms. The best place on earth. My best place on earth.

-------------------

Do you ever feel after an emotional episode like this that you want to spank the bejeezus out of me?

Not particularly, I know I want to HOLD you... why, do you feel like you want to be spanked?

*nods head and looks up at him*

Well, what say I give you a spanking before I have to go? With the Christmas paddle?

Will you fuck me too?

At the same time? Spank you and fuck you?

Or before, or after, or whatever...

He reached for the paddle, flipped me onto my front, and spanked my behind. And then he climbed over me and whispered in my ear.. 

I said when your period was done you'd get to be fucked right?

Those words turned on the pussy tap. So in he went and then I was getting paddled and fucked all at once! And when I was nicely moaning and groaning and grabbing the pillows above my head, he chucked the paddle, leaned over me and asked me Are you ready?

Oh yes! I was ready. I was ready for him to thrust into me and fill me with his cum. And after that he collapsed beside me and all was right in the my world again.