Physio, Audio and Sciatica

So my audiology test went great. The doctor says no deterioration. There IS some level of hearing loss but it has remained stable over the last 3 years... so that's GOOD! I don't have to see him again till Jan 2026! 

Meanwhile BIKSS discovered at physio that he can't straighten his right leg lol. He just never noticed that after the meniscus injury he kept compensating with the other leg and never worked to recover full range of motion in the bad leg. 

It's a bit too late now that the joint has healed in the fashion it's healed in. Ah well. He's not too bothered. He joked that the physio took his pants down while he was lying on the massage table. When I pulled his pants off that night he said "You're the second person (not counting me) to remove my pants today". Tsk. Well I bet HE didn't give you a blow job did he? HAHAHAHA

(Um he'd better not have.) 

Ahem. 

These few days with the impending CNY holiday (this weekend!) I've been cleaning (and baking) and my back has been acting up because of it. Additionally today I felt the annoying pains of sciatica attacking my butt and hip and back of leg as I got up to go to work. Gah. Just what I need right now. Never mind. Boswellia to the rescue! 

I'm also pretty certain it's because I'm stressed (and pissed) at my boss. Long story short - he mentioned that he could hear me hollering at my colleague and more and more these days it seems. I said that's because if I don't stop her from making mistakes she's going to fuck up. As it is I made a mistake on a lab form (nothing major thank goodness) because I'm constantly keeping one eye and one ear on her. How is anyone supposed get any proper work done when they're constantly monitoring someone else?!

Anyway today I popped a St John's Wort cap and went to work bright and early. Transferred some templates to the back station lappy (where the colleague usually sits) and parked myself in the front. Where the registration happens. I've decided that instead of the fluid whoever's-available-do-the-next-thing system we've been using I'm marking out clear and distinct boundaries so that I shall just do my own shit and she can do her own shit and stop watching her and correcting her. If she fucks up then she fixes it. If she doesn't know how then she can make it the boss's problem. 

As Betty says, he doesn't FEEL the pain cos he never has to deal with the backlash of her mess-ups. I've always either prevented the problems or fixed them for her. I'm done. If he wants me to holler at her less, then I'm gonna holler less. Or not at all. 

It aint my problem anymore. 

Grrrr. 

Ok so now that that's out of the way - here's a plate of Indian skewered roast meats we had for dinner the last time we went out - he was away last week, is back this week, and will be away again next week. I'm not happy about it. But I suppose I'll have loads of time to catch up on my course, since I did absolutlely nothing last week (and probably this coming week too) with all the CNY prep.

Today's chips -  a friend came in from Perth (by way of Bali) and brought me some awesome snacks from Australia. Specifically I asked for two of the Chef Series flavours (can't get them here) but he added this one cos it's his wife's favourite and she wanted me to try 'em! I haven't yet... but I'm sure it's delish. Especially since I love cheese!

I'm Broke. Caregiver Updates. Calamity Bikss. More Food Pics.

Basically I have not a lot of cushioning in my bank account at the moment cos I've just spent a ton of money getting the replacement caregiver. And so I've been trying to buy groceries for cheap. Mainly whatever's on sale. I'm picking cheaper food options - Potatoes. Spaghetti. Sardines. And also whatever frozen veggies, fruit and cheap meat/fish that's on special! 

Not too bad, I must say. I'm going to have to steer clear of the fresh cheeses, artichoke dips and truffle mushroom spreads for a while. While I'm not a huge fan of frozen mixed veggies (carrots, corn and peas)  I'll eat it if I have to LOL. Beggars can't be choosers. A $5 pack will last us 4 meals. In comparison, getting fresh veggies comes up to something like $3 a meal. Frozen catfish is $8 for 3 meals. Other fish portions cost about $6 a meal. And there was a 2-for-1 on whole chickens so that was fortuitous. 

As for the new caregiver, when she said she could only speak a little English, she really meant a little English. That was all the English she knew. "Simple, a bit a bit" was what she said. And really that's all she says. So we're currently on a quest to get her comfortable with English words. Youtube pre-school phonics and simple vocabulary for tiny tots to the rescue! We've put together a playlist and she's watching that daily. When she can she'll follow along and mimic the sounds, but if not, at least it's just playing in the background and she can listen to the words being said. We're talking "C, A, T, cat, F, A, T, fat" level. 

And the previous caregiver? Her mum passed away on Monday. She texted to let me know. I felt bad for her, but it's a good thing she managed to go home to see her before she passed, I thought. I told the rest of my household about it, and that's when all the stories started flying fast and furious. Turns out she wasn't very conscientious about her work while she was here. We also have reason to believe she stole some money from my tenant. Basically my first / primary caregiver was picking up all her slack. She didn't tell me sooner because she didn't want me to question her thereby making things awkward between them. Le Sigh. Anyway, I'm feeling cheated, if you know what I mean - like I was taken advantage of. So I'm glad she was only here for a year. I hope this new one, no-speaking-the-English as she is, will be a more sincere / genuine carer to mum. According to caregiver number 1 so far she seems to be a "better" worker and a "nicer" person.

Recently BIKSS has had a bunch of bad luck with health related things. He had a cavity that needed seeing to. And then he caught a bug so he took a few days off work to recover. When he was getting over that his tooth began to hurt (he had trouble with our dumpling dinner - see pics below) and the dentist told him there was a chip on his molar. And, get this, neither he nor his dentist knows if the bit that chipped off was part of the tooth, or a previous filling. He also went to see the ortho guy yesterday for his meniscus tear. Turns out it's past the window for any surgery at this point or something like that. And so he's just going to have to live with a bum knee. 

In a bid to spend less on dinners (due to my broke-ness), we went in search of near-residential-areas food centre fare! Here's the dumpling dinner that was giving BIKSS grief in the tooth - steamed chilli oil dumplings  and fried potstickers from two different stalls at an old food centre near Chinatown. The one on the right was featured in the 2016 Michelin guide.

We preferred the NOT Michelin version. Each plate costs about $5, which is dirt cheap really. Most places sell these for about $8-10. Some places even go as high as $12. We think we should sample some of the other offerings in this food centre. A good rule of thumb is that if ONE stall sells their stuff cheap, most of the others will do the same. 

We also managed a whole afternoon together yesterday after BIKSS' ortho appointment. We went to the indoor food court at a downtown mall, hoping (fine, I was hoping, but I think BIKSS was skeptical) for a cheap-ish lunch. I was wrong. The mixed croquettes and skewered meats and a bowl of vegetable soup cost us a grand total of $32.

Yikes. Ah well. Food is expensive. After that we went to a newly re-opened cultural museum for a quick walkabout and then had dinner at a cafe near my place. I thought this Star Wars plate was a hoot!

Japan, Saga prefecture, Arita 2017

Brussels Bacon - Those mini cabbage heads were cooked in bacon fat. OH SO GOOD!

Cauliflower Salad - Grilled cauliflower with baby spinach, quinoa, pine nuts, almonds, grilled halloumi and pomegranate which I could have done without, but still... mostly all of my favourite things!

And instead of chips, today I shall leave you with this :

Pine nuts and almonds on grilled cauliflower

Quinoa, tomatoes for heart boosting power

Throw in some citrus for flavour and zing

These are a few of my favorite things 

Brussel sprouts fried in some fat bacon drippings

Water is best for some thirst-quenching sipping

Spare me the carbs and the sugars they bring

These are a few of my favorite things

When im hungry, tummy’s rumbly,

When food must be had

I simply will order my favourite things

and then I dont feeeeeel so baaaad.

Goodbye Morningstar

Shine brightly in the heavens that all of us who knew you may remember your spark and energy 

We will remember you adventures and your stories and your weekly Sunday Sentiments. 

We will remember how you stood up for your beliefs, how your home projects with the Lil one delighted not only her but us as well. 

We will remember you. And your presence will surely be felt from the heavens.

If I should go tomorrow

It would never be goodbye,

For I have left my heart with you,

So don’t you ever cry.

The love that’s deep within me,

Shall reach you from the stars,

You’ll feel it from the heavens,

And it will heal the scars. 

~ author unknown

Plodding Along

Mum's condition seems to be deteriorating fast. She's even less communicative than before. Thankfully she still knows I am kin (or at least, someone familiar) as she reaches out to pull my face to hers for a kiss occasionally. 

She holds on to my hands and arms ever so regularly too. So that's encouraging. 

She tends not to respond to questions. I don't ever know if she wants to go potty. We just try. And then we ask her a million times if she's done pooping, or peeing. Or if she wants to sit some more or wants to get cleaned up and be moved back to her chair. It's a lot different from my father's dementia. 

And I keep having aches. I know people mean well, but telling me to take care, be careful,  or  please take it easy means absolutely NOTHING to me. I've also had don't overdo it, think of your back, as well as try to take the day off, find a way to relax for a few hours. 

It's. Not. Possible. I can't do that. I need to be home ALL THE TIME. I don't know how much clearer I can be to these people. Mum goes potty at 1-130pm, then lunch. Then she gets transferred to the bed for a lie down in the afternoon. She's not a fan of lying in bed so about an hour later she's out again sitting in her chair. We give her something to eat in around 4, and then around 5 it's potty time again. 

She's on a 90min water-ing schedule so that she takes in bits of fluid throughout the day instead of a whole load at one go. And then at 7ish it's dinner time, plus mashing her meds, then the pre bedtime potty and transfer to bed. 

Now sure ONE person can feed her. But it's a lot quicker if TWO people are present to do up her drinks (she needs a thickener) and heat up the food, and mash up her meds. And it's not like it takes 10 mins for her to eat a meal. Coaxing takes up 90% of the half hour (at least) that it takes for her to finish 6 spoons of porridge. Oh, there's also the blending of the food on alternate days- I take care of bringing the frozen stuff out of the freezer, thawing it in the fridge, cooking and blending it for storing for the next couple of days... 

So when people say to me - you must remember to take a break - I want to ask them "Will you be here to take my place while I'm taking a break?"

I know it's a "being kind" sentiment they're trying to express, but I would rather if they just said Dammit it's tough. I'm sorry you're going thru this crap. 

There. That makes me feel a LOT better than any 'advice'-type nicety they might throw my way. Pffft. 

Anyway, thanks to PK for checking on me and helping me post an update on her blog. I really appreciate it. 

Meanwhile, I'm going to steal a half-hour nap (throat is scratchy, feeling feverish but temp is normal) before heading down to the meet-your-local-government-representative session where I'm going to ask for help by way of getting an appeal letter for me to get approval for a second live in caregiver. Wish me luck. 

I only hope mum doesn't kick the bucket before I get help. Or if she does, it'll be before I pay the agency 3 grand for the application and paperwork. I have this icky feeling that by the time all the things that need doing get done,  I won't be needing it anymore. *THAT'S* how fast she's deteriorating. And bureaucracy is s.l.o.w as fuck. 

One of those Days

Nothing has to change. 

.It already has.

It won't matter. 

.It does matter. 

I won't let it. 

.You can't not let it. 

I'm not gonna get involved. 

.You're already involved. 

We'll figure it out. 

.I've already figured it out. 

~~

Just cos you want it to be one way, doesn't mean it's going to end up that way cos you say it.

I don't know which I find more infuriating - Knowing that the shit will happen, or knowing that I'm right but you are oblivious to the obvious. 

Le. Sigh. 

Impressed with the Robot and a Hiatus

I've seen some reports of this sort of thing on the news.... but this was the first time we'd encountered one in real life. 

4 veg stir fry

Barramundi fish and chips

The robot that brought us our food

BIKSS' hand getting in the way of my picture of the robot leaving our table.

I'm sure some of you have noticed that nothing has been going on in these parts except for dinners and medical updates. 

I'm not feeling much of anything at the moment. Except maybe overwhelmed. 

I still love BIKSS and he still means a lot to me. But I'm not sure this relationship means to me what it once did. 

I don't know that it's not contributing to my feelings of sadness and Blah. 

My inner monologue keeps coming back to the idea of us being on different trajectories. He's moving forward, towards stuff. I'm being held back, stuck in place, pulled back by responsibility. 

The language I'm hearing in my head consists of phrases like "nothing's going to change till something/someone dies", "what's the point?", and "eventually it'll just die out, maybe". 

So as you can see, I'm not in the best place. Maybe it's burnout, maybe it's reality hitting home. Maybe the time has come / is coming that we just can't do this anymore.

Our time together has dwindled to twice weekly dinners. And I don't even feel sad anymore when he tells me he has to go on a work trip. I meet most of his news with a figurative shrug and inner "yeah, ok, whatever" - cos the truth is it really doesn't change my life. How can it? I'll still be here, at home, watching mum, I'll still be dealing with her dementia. I'll still be dealing with my perimenopause, and work and class, and aches and pains and all of my own stuff that is separate from my romantic relationship. 

This is how I feel right now. And until something changes, I'm going to take a break from blogging. I've run out of things to say. I've run out of drive. I've just run out. 

If I have updates, I'll pop in and write something. But I just wanted to let you know not to panic if you don't see a post in a while. I'm just going to lay low for a bit.

All the Feels

The very first plant I would give away was to Plant Mama herself. I didn't feel too bad about that, since I know she'll take good care of it. 

BUT as I was packing it up last weekend for a mutual friend of ours to drop it off at her place (since she had other things to pass to her after dropping off a thing to me) I felt really sad. I was NOT expecting that. 

Anyway, later on I asked Plant Mama if she felt sad each time she gave away her plants... and she said "All good plant-mamas feel sad when they give a babeh away. That's why I make it a point to say goodbye properly and pet it a ton before it gets picked up. And I wish it well and tell it to grow big and beautiful!"

"OMG that's exactly what I did earlier before I passed your plant to (let's call her) Jane! I stroked its leaves and whispered into the spathes to be good and to grow big and strong! And then I felt kinda sad that it was leaving me!"

At this point I felt a little less silly for having separation anxiety. (And also, she implied that I was a good plant mama!!! Hurray!)

Today I passed the second plant to my colleague, but she was so sweet, she looked at it and said it was so beautiful, and then so earnestly said to me, "Thank you so much, I hope I'll be able to look after it well. I'll try my best!" 

And that was enough for me. 

You know, I don't think I'll ever be able to give a plant to someone whom I know won't take care of it.  

And now I feel even worse for killing George. I'm sure BIKSS felt the loss terribly. But in all fairness, orchids are finicky. And this one in particular wasn't exactly the hardiest type. In one fell swoop he had to contend with changes in humidity, temperature and sunlight conditions. It's no wonder he didn't make it. 

I wish I knew about plants then what I know now, cos then I wouldn't have adopted George. 

My mood pic today is in memory of George the orchid ~

A P/S for Morningstar - 

I saw your comment, and thought I might add pics of mum's dendrobium orchids for you - I know a lot of websites say they don't like too much sun and they scorch and the colours fade if you leave them in direct sunlight for too long, and that they're great indoor plants etc. etc. But these guys have been sitting outside my kitchen window where they get full direct sun (yes even mid-day afternoon crazy heat sun like 36C)...  and they're ALWAYS in bloom. Well, they kinda take turns, cos that's just how their schedule works out, but I've always got buds or flowers from one or the other. 

And these are 2 plants I take the least interest in cos they get on just fine WITHOUT me. The only thing is they're not in soil - one is stuck on a piece of wood and the other is in charcoal. So when there hasn't been rain for more than 2-3 days at a stretch I do bring them into the bathroom and stick them in a basin of water for about 15 mins. Then out they go again. 

There ARE some blemishes on the leaves, but as the flowers seem quite alive I never bothered to check out what those black spots are. When there are too many or if I see that there are enough good leaves anyway, I simply cut away the spotted ones. And then they go on living.

THE MAIN THING WITH ORCHIDS THO - is that there are SO MANY types. And you have to search for the right one when researching how to care for them. 

My suggestion is get an app like "picture this" or "plant net" and take a foto of the orchid. It'll identify the family for you and THEN go and look it up. That's kinda what I do with ALL my plants. 

Photograph - Identify - Research! 

Good luck, if you ever want to try again!

Dear Cortisol - Go Away

With mum's condition getting worse over the last few months, I found myself functioning at higher and higher levels of stress. Only, I didn't know until yesterday. 

And today it became apparent that I'm perpetually at "high alert" cos the minute I hear her voice (when we're in different parts of the house) I immediately get into this "ready-get-set-go" mode. 

I don't really know how to explain it eloquently, but it was the same with the father. With each extra thing that required more care (read: coaxing, cajoling, scolding, bargaining... ) my idea of "normal" got pushed farther and farther away from my ACTUAL normal. 

Yesterday mum was very obliging. 

"Would you like to have dinner now?"

"Okay."

"Porridge? Want me to feed you?"

"Yes. Ok."

"Shall we just take meds now so that you don't have to get up again later?"

"Yeah."

"OK, all done. That's it. Can we go get your dentures out?"

"I haven't had dinner... " 

"Yes you have, I fed you. Remember?"

"Oh I have? Ok."

This is not how it used to look. Suddenly I felt very strange. And I remembered a time many months ago when conversations used to be this easy. 

In the meantime my left knee has been acting up and it's hurting like a biatch today. 

I wonder if it's all that sugar causing some extra inflammation. But then, considering my cortisol levels must have been thru the roof, it's no wonder I've been craving the carbs!

Let's hope with the fish oils and the back-to-regular eating this pain will go away soon. 

My mood pic today ~ 

(Axolotl Salamander)

Respite

Definition - 

a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant

The brother came as promised and sat with the mother for a few hours. I think it's good that the siblings experience her psychosis (cos that's what it is)  first hand so they don't always think I'm jumping to conclusions or over-exaggerating. 

Besides, didn't he say he has a Master's in psychotherapy or whatever it was? He can use his mother as practice. 

Meanwhile I've also taken steps to chill out - half a Xanax. I'm not usually a pill-popper. I have these because my boss thinks I'm responsible enough not to abuse them. And I don't. Plus I always let him know on the days I pop a pill. 

They make me really zonky the next morning if I take them at night. But if I take it in the morning then I'm generally in a less agitated mood the rest of the day and I go to bed calm. By next morning it's usually out of my system so I can function normally again.

And why am I telling you all this? 

Cos for a long time there was a lot of shame surrounding mental illness, psychological conditions, and anti-depressants. 

And if anyone out there is in the same boat, I want you to know you're not alone. And yes, reading my blog you could think "but she was fine last week"... and you'd be right. I was. Until I wasn't. It can creep up on you, or it can hit you in a second. 

But just as I want you to know you're not alone, I also take comfort in the knowledge that *I* am not alone. 

My mood pic today ~

(BTW, the manatee exhibit at the river park is my absolute most favourite part of the um, park. This pic was taken off the web, but I did take more than 20 pictures and videos when I was there last.)

Doldrums

Definition - 

a state or period of stagnation or depression

OR

an equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms, and light unpredictable winds

BIKSS was the one who told me about this second one - being ex navy as he is. 

A further search on google showed me this article that says -

The "doldrums" is a popular nautical term that refers to the belt around the Earth near the equator where sailing ships sometimes get stuck on windless waters.

Known to sailors around the world as the doldrums, the Inter-Tropical Convergence Zone, (ITCZ, pronounced and sometimes referred to as the “itch”), is a belt around the Earth extending approximately five degrees north and south of the equator. Here, the prevailing trade winds of the northern hemisphere blow to the southwest and collide with the southern hemisphere’s driving northeast trade winds.

The way I'm feeling, though, isn't so much that I'm just windless or a ship that's becalmed, more like a sinking, depressed, what's-the-point stupor.

I'm pretty certain the mother's recent psychological problems are the trigger. I feel helpless, out of control, and subject to everyone else's wants and needs. 

I don't have the energy to deal with it. And aside from my live-in caregiver I'm feeling more and more like I don't have any support system to speak of. SHE, on the other hand, has been brilliant.

Rant upcoming...

1) BIKSS changed jobs right around the time Covid hit. The change in his work schedule means we now meet an hour later on nights we have dinner together, and a change in his JD also means he doesn't have to make client visits like he used to. In the past I could sneak off with him when he went on his rounds (I would wait at a mall, cafe, or read a book in the car while I waited) so we at least had pretty long car rides during the week. His day also used to start later so he would be able to get me in the mornings to send me to work. 

The amount of face time has been significantly reduced. Add to that the stupid pandemic and movement restrictions, and what we have now is a very limited number of hours we can spend together. 

2) The mother moved in with me at the end of January last year, just before the Covid crap hit the roof. So aside from not having as much privacy as before, I also now had an elderly person who was better off at home instead of out wandering the streets because Thank You Covid. This means hanging out with friends and shopping trips with the sister / aunts became almost non-existent. 

3) The sister and brother come and go as they please, when it's convenient for them, without any planning or schedule. THIS one I managed to tweak - I told them to take turns once a week to come sit with the mother on the days my caregiver is off duty. I mean, it's not that hard to time your visits with her off-days once a fortnight (between the two of them) right? 

4) Covid. Covid is really pissing me off. Sure, we can still go out, somewhat, but there are limits to the places we can go. Bars close at 10. Concerts halls re-opened a few months ago but with safe distancing - so there are 4-5 seats between people... sometimes more, depending on the venue. Which doesn't make for fun dates or outings with friends. Restaurants were allowed to seat a max of 8 people at a table, but with recent community cases rising that has (today!) been brought back down to 5. People are advised not to have more than 2 social engagements a day. Offices are back to a max of 50% attendance, with those who are able to being told to work from home. And even if we wanted to go anywhere, aside from restaurants, half the time I'm reluctant to do so because of this stupid mask-wearing. It's uncomfortable and warm. And I don't mind so much when I'm in an A/C-ed place. The problem is walking around outside in this fucking humid heat. 

It's 12.30 in the morning, and this is what it's showing now - humidity is at 100%. And this wretched heat is AFTER we had a storm all afternoon and pissing drizzly drips from about 7pm. It just stopped not half an hour ago.

This is tomorrow's and Monday's forecast - 

Warm temperatures + 80-90% humidity does NOT equal conducive mask-wearing weather. Mind you, these are rainy cloudy days we're expecting. It has been much hotter the last 2 weeks when we had a bit of a dry spell. 

How is anyone supposed to be upbeat and chirpy and zestful about life with conditions like these? 

I had a really good venting session at BIKSS last night, poor fella. To be honest, and I told him this, I'm not even looking forward to our dates anymore. I mean, sure, I'd like to see him. But it's changed. What used to be "I can't wait for him to let me know what days he's free for us to hang out" is now a very ho-hum "Yeah, just whenever you can is fine."

I've taken to sleeping again. At least there were breads and buns to rescue today. So I did that. Then promptly came home and stuck myself in my room and watched some TV shows. Then I decided to do that lying down in bed. Then I decided to leave the lappy on after the episode ended and just close my eyes and sleep. For a couple of hours. 

And now I'm awake and the house is silent again, the way I like it. 

I'm thinking the last person you want to leave an elderly person with psycho problems in the care of is someone who is (suspected to be) on the spectrum AND perimenopausal. That's gotta be a disaster waiting to happen. 

And if SHE doesn't go completely insane, then I might. I'm already seeing the signs... I'm no stranger to depression. 

Her psycho-geri appointment is on the 19th of May. I'm thinking someone had better give her some kind of drug to stop the manic /paranoid thoughts running through her head, or else someone had better give ME something. 

My mood pic today~

PS I'm not exactly in the mood to be leaving pleasantries on other people's blogs so please excuse me for not visiting while I get past this funk. 

Dinner and When You Can't Have Sex 'Cos #Period

Now that I'm done with my A-Z challenge, it's back to regular posts from me. 

A week ago we went for dinner at a neighbourhood coffee shop. BIKSS was craving some Zhi Char (literally means 'cook fry') veggies, and we decided to head back to the cheap dim sum place we discovered a couple of months ago. 

We had stir fried sweet potato leaves (with a chilli + dried shrimp paste aka 'sambal') 

and some cream corn prawns - this one was new to me, according to the lady it's their special. 

I won't lie, it wasn't spectacular, but I love prawns *shrug* so as far as I was concerned, it was fantastic. 

Since we were there, we had dim sum too.

And then we went to buy some stuff and went home. 

And obviously *I* didn't get any sexy playtime... well, puss didn't. 

But I managed some bonding time with Roger. It went splendidly as usual... and then we cuddled. 

The fun part tho, is after. 

I believe it was getting close to the time that BIKSS should get going and as we cuddled his hands roamed over me. He got hold of a boob and stroked my nipple. I nuzzled into his neck. Encouraged, he found the other boob. 

"Mean Daddy" I said, because usually he'll leave me alone after a quick fondle when I'm on my period and unable to fuck, 'cos getting me hot and bothered would be mean. And he's not usually mean. 

"Mm hmmm. I am," he replied. 

Eh? That's NOT the right answer, I thought to myself as he went back to twiddling the first nipple. I inadvertently let out a moan and that was the end of that. 

According to him (he told me later on), Roger got all excited when I made those groany moany sounds, and he decided that if he couldn't play in my pussy, well then, he could just play in my mouth.

"Cos why not? I own it after all; it's mine, you're mine."

Ugh. Great. 

So he did - knelt over me and fucked my mouth till the tears dropped from the sides of my eyes just as his cum slid down my throat. 

And for some reason the submission quotient was really high and suddenly I just knew I needed some serious aftercare. Even saying it now sounds weird to me, given there was no pinching, no choking, no spanking, no pain - NO PAIN AT ALL! ... all the things that normally send me into subby subby land. 

BIKSS held me tight and I clung to him in a way I think neither of us was expecting me to. He's good at sensing these things, thank goodness, and kissed my head and stroked my hair and whispered all the good girls I needed to hear. 

It's strange that something so seemingly 'mild' could trigger such strong feelings of submission. It was surprising and unexpected, but it did leave a smile on my face as I drifted off to sleep that night. 

My mood pic today ~ 

This Time I Said No

I went to get my watch battery sorted at another mall today, one where I know there's a very knowledgeable watch guy who knows his shit. It was a bit expensive, but really, after all the shopping I've been doing, $15 seems like something I shouldn't be complaining about especially if it's going to only be a quarterly affair. And he's reliable, so that's what I'm paying for I suppose. 

Then it was off to my IPL hair removal thing. I haven't been back since June last year. Blame Covid. It's been like a half-yearly thing since end 2019, and Covid has made me lazy so since I didn't have too much growth I just left it till now. 

I shall have to try and make THAT a quarterly thing too. Since it's in the same mall as the battery shop, perhaps I'll just go whenever I need a new batt! 

A plan! I love a good plan that takes care of schedules for me. 

As I was stepping into the house mum was exiting her bedroom with the asshat brother's wedding picture frame in her hand. 

The fuck. 

She mentioned something about feeling bad cos when he comes to visit he always looks at the photos I have on my display unit and once she thought she heard him mention something about 'photograph' and I was all like - that's not my problem. So what are you intending to do with that?

She wanted to add it to the collection of photos. I know it's not a huge hardship. But No. I'm not going to have the photo of the person I resent the most in this world sitting on top of my display cupboard, along with photos of the people I love. 

She then said something about not being fair cos everybody else's photos are displayed. 

Nope. My niece's photo isn't there. My sister's photo isn't there. My brother in law's photo isn't there. 

She pointed to the TV cabinet where there was a pic of my and my sis (from 35 years ago) next to the telly. 

I said, you will notice that is a photo of ME and someone. Just like the other photographs I've put up there are of ME and other people. The only photos that don't have me in them are your wedding photo (well, but they're my parents so there!) and my nephew's and his wife's wedding photo - which, I pointed out, is only there cos SHE wanted it there. 

So I said, let's just solve this now. This is MY photo display. It's meant to be photos of ME. So if you want fair, then let's be fair. I took away the nephew's wedding pic and the one of me and the sister. And put them all in her room. 

We went through a whole discussion of how the asshat doesn't have any of our photos anywhere in his house and all the pics she had displayed were confined to her bedroom, so why in the holy fuck should I have his photo in MY house. 

Besides, that was meant to be co-owned - it was dad's and his house, in name, until the father signed his share over to the asshat's alien wife. So even more there should be good reason why they should get equal dibs on photo displaying rights. 

THIS however, is MY house. It's in MY name. I paid for it. ALL of it. 

Her argument was that whatever it is I shouldn't behave this way, after all he's my brother. THE FUCK. 

I said, ok, you can think I shouldn't behave or think or feel whatever way, but I do. And I don't have a problem with that. 

Everyone makes mistakes she says. Things that happened long ago... 

I cut her off. 

Number 1 - When he went to the geriatric clinic behind ALL our backs and requested for dad to be admitted into the nursing home (way before he needed one) that was NOT a mistake. 

Number 2 - When I moved out and needed a car boot to move the last bits of my personal belongings, and he said "Oh but the boxes are gonna scratch the leather and the car's so new... couldn't you ask one of your many guy friends who drive to help you?" THAT was not a mistake. 

And number 3 - When I needed him to spot me one grand during my house renovation cos a pipe had unexpectedly needed changing and the floor needed waterproofing because of it, he said he didn't have any spare cash and the credit line was for emergencies. I said I would pay the interest, of course, cos it would have taken too long for me to go and apply for one in my own name at that point - it could take up to a month to get the bank to approve a line of credit, or a fortnight, at best, and I didn't have the luxury of time! And it would take me a couple of months max to get the money back to him (cos everything else had already gone into the main renovation cost). Instead he said, "Is there someone else you can ask? Cos I'm not comfortable withdrawing from that line of credit." I proceeded to ask my cousin (somewhat close, but I mean, brother was closer at that point) who transferred the money to me within 30 seconds. No questions asked. "Keep it till you've recovered from this huge investment - I'm in no hurry to get that money back from you" he said. 

This is the cousin who had only just recently lost his job at that point. I felt bad, and eventually decided to pay him in installments so he wouldn't have to wait too long to recoup that cash. Turns out the ass who didn't want to loan me the money rang said cousin a week after he spotted me the cash to ask if he needed a loan now that he was jobless, cos he had some savings and you know, family should help family, since he was my dad's godson after all. 

My cousin laughed and said, how about you loan your sister the one grand. Then you don't have to lend me any money cos she'll be able to return the money I gave her. 

"Oh if you're ok financially then that's good, anyway if you need anything just call." And hung up. 

Did he offer me the loan? OF COURSE NOT. 

AND THAT WAS NOT A MISTAKE.

So no. I will not let her put his fucking photo in my living room. And I don't care what she thinks. I will not let her look at me in the way I know she's wont to do to make me feel guilty about hurting her feelings. Because she needs to get that she has hurt MY feeling this time.

I was supposed to meet BIKSS for dinner at 645. But I think I'm just going to have a shower and get out of the house. I REALLY DON'T wanna be here right now.

My mood pic today ~

The Last Post

...of the year. 

Today I filled up a form for the vaccine. Since I'm working in healthcare I get dibs. The first wave of vaccinations have been reserved for medical staff and frontline workers. Once they've received my details, I'll get a letter / email / text message informing me which clinic I should go to, and when, in order to get jabbed. 

I was on the fence at first, but after listening to my boss whom I hold in very high regard, and watching some interviews and reading the research papers, I think I will go ahead with it. 

In case you wanted to watch an interview re the vaccine, this is a good one : 

Today my live in helper had the day off and mum had been curious to try out a new restaurant near her old place. 

The son that can do no wrong was supposed to take her there for Christmas lunch. But they ended up at some other Thai place and she still has no idea why... I told her it's probably because they didn't make a reservation. 

The place has some very good value-for-money set meals that are very popular and it's notoriously crowded. I rang yesterday to make a reservation for lunch today. I had booked a table for 1.30, which normally isn't a busy time for the eateries in this area. The restaurants to the left and right of it were empty. But when we arrived we had to wait for about 5 minutes as they got our table ready (we were a little bit early) and as we walked to our seats I noticed that all the other tables were occupied. 

She had a traditional Chinese fish head hot pot and I had the shabu pork belly and prawn set.

If weird Asian food freaks you out.. I suggest you say goodbye now and click out of this post. Or else keep reading for pics! 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The table top was mega colourful! With an induction plate for the soup pot.

My bowl of mushrooms and veggies, I don't like piping hot food so hot pot meals for me are a bit of an exercise in patience. I remove the cooked food from the main pot then wait for it to cool.

Close up of the pork and prawns and chopped up fish head. I come from a country where many of us grew up with fish head curry, fish head steamboat (aka hotpot), and grilled fish head etc.

She seemed to enjoy her lunch, and I think maybe I should start a new tradition. Perhaps the last day of the year is a fine time for us to do some mother-daughter bonding. 

When I got home I found a package had arrived for me - I ordered a mat/rug for my room to exercise on. It arrived today and I absolutely love it. It wasn't the design I originally wanted, but everyone chose this one over the heart prints (they said it was too cheesy!) and I'm glad I went along with popular opinion. The pink and red hearts would have been a bit too loud in the little space on my floor that the rug occupies. 

Later my sister and niece are coming over to hang out and watch the online streaming of the fireworks. They're broadcasting it on TV so we intend to have a go at some blackjack while watching the New Year's countdown show on the telly. 

It's nice that she would come all this way, cos they don't exactly live nearby, and transportation will be expensive tonight. 

I am grateful for that, and for the day I had. (My boss also gave me a huge discount on my flu jab - almost at cost! And I didn't even have to pay for *that*, cos he's applying for some sort of govt vaccination subsidy scheme on my behalf.)

The last day of the year has been a pretty awesome one. Let's hope this is a sign that 2021 will be just as swell! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

Celebration

A year ago today my dad passed. 

It has been a very quick year. Being stuck at home with Covid restrictions and having the same routine day in day out has made time seem to pass by with more rather than less speed. Strange. I would have thought it the other way around. 

I've declared today a celebration day. Of his life. His laughter. His jokes (bad dad jokes, yes!) and penchant for food. 

In many of the photos I shared on my fb wall today he was either laughing or displaying some expression of satisfaction from having eaten a good meal. 

In fact, the photo we used for his obit was a cropped one of him giving a huge thumbs up, sporting a wide grin, with his favourite dish in front of him! 

Today is also the day I chose to put up the Christmas things. It's like we hit 'pause' when he died, and erased Christmas from our household / family last year. We didn't celebrate the new year. Or Chinese New Year. I didn't bake. We didn't visit relatives.

But the time has come to UN-pause now. And move forward with Christmas. Only from now on, he'll be celebrating it with us in our hearts, and not around the dinner table.

(Hope - my pre-Christmas gift from mum last year.)

All the Food and being Emo

This was the free dessert we got from the posh place we like. Not half bad. Isn't BIKSS watching his sugar? Yes. But it was a good test. And his pancreas passed! The readings are now back to normal levels so I think a little bit of a treat here and there shouldn't be a problem.

This steak is the reason we got the free dessert. It was tough and veiny and just wasn't as edible as a steak should be. I think this might be the meal that convinces BIKSS to just stick to fish.

As usual, the brussels sprouts were so delicious we attacked it without a pic. But I've posted that a million times by now. This was some asparagus and spinach with feta cheese salad that turned out to be quite delicious!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With travel restrictions we haven't been able to go across the border to our favourite (cheap and good) Japanese restaurant but we did find a little cafe on the food-discount app we have.

The sashimi salad was good to the last drop (of roe)

And we didn't expect the portions to be this large for the price we paid. From top left - tori karaage (fried chicken), gyoza (dumplings/ pot stickers), pumpkin croquettes (pumpkin croquettes LOL) and grilled cod. 

DELICIOUS and I would definitely go back there again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This meal cost double the Jap meal above. The crab cakes were probably the most awesome part of dinner. The salad wasn't cold, which isn't something I'm used to with Caeser salads, so that felt a bit strange. And the seabass wasn't to my liking. BIKSS didn't think it was half bad, but I thought it was a bit chewy and tough. Perhaps I just prefer the more delicate softer types of fish.  It was a fun evening tho, we went to the marina which probably explains the higher price tag. But as usual, it was fun people watching!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a slightly less related note, after dinner we came home and I don't know if it's the stress of Covid restrictions, or his new job schedule, or my worry about potential loss of income, or uncertainty about whether I should give up teaching altogether, or hormones...(you see where this is going).. 

But we ended up with a very volatile evening, emotionally. For me I mean. There was a LOT of crying. I just feel as tho more and more there is this sense of my non-existance in his world when we're not physically in the same space. That the tendril of connection that links us together floats out into no where when he isn't with me, and that makes me want to pull it back into my pocket and just ignore his existance too. I know it makes no sense, but it's how I feel. 

There has been a very persistent sense of "what's the point?" invading my semi-conscious brain and while I know it could just be a combination of a whole lot of factors, knowing doesn't automatically make things easier to get over/thru, nor does it make the bad feelings go away. 

And I think it has something to do with the lack of intimacy. I'm not sure if less sex led to less connection, or feeling less connected led to less sex. Probably a roundabout cycle of BOTH. 

Well, that's the update on the emotional front. We'll see how things go. I *am* glad that I can still unload all this on BIKSS tho. At least THAT wall hasn't been put back up. 

The Hand that Spanks

When the man spanks, he uses his hand.
Or hands, or belt, or any one of our ma-
ny spanking toys.

When the man spanked last night, this bare-
ly spanked butt was red and glowing.

When the hand spanked, this girl, knowing,
that time had passed since her last encounter
would surely mean, her cheeks would burn,
she wriggled, and turned. And the man spanked.

The hand that spanked, was warm and a-glow.
How did she know? He stroked her. Rubbed her.
With the hand that spanked. Warm on her skin,
it swept all over causing knots within

...her tummy. Sexy-time knots. Lustful knots.
The same ones he got - only his in his crotch.

Not her. Hers ended right there in the middle.
It felt like her guts were the strings on a fiddle.
Being stopped, and bowed across, in turn and all at once.

But the man that spanked, his hands being done,
finally did undress his self. She could feel her bum,
under her, warm and tingling. It had begun.

Her spirit come home, to the man, to the hand, that spanked.

unpluggedfromsociety.tumblr.com

Updated FFF Page and Ready for Vacay

I've been doing a lot of cleaning up around the house, and now that the packing and sorting is mostly settled, I managed to get down to organising schedules and the blog. 

The new FFF page is up and I'm hoping for some of those who stopped halfway to come back and join us for a brand new year. No pressure tho. Just sayin'. 

My monthly planner is also more or less up to date. Appointments pencilled in, dates of important events marked out in red. 

Last night's dinner was Dim Sum

Daddy helped me to pack for our vacation last night after we got back from dinner, cos for some reason I just had this awful feeling that I didn't have enough / relevant clothing. It helped that he's been checking the web for places to go and things to see, cos gosh, but I haven't had the chance to plan for this trip at all! Usually I'm the one who gets crazy with the planning and plotting of routes and printing of lists of places to go and food to eat. 

I guess I have been busier than I thought, so it was a huge relief when, over dinner, BIKSS suggested some places we would go to when we got there. 

He's actually already sorted out at least half the trip, with alternatives to boot, and some places that are optional depending on how we feel when we get there. 

Still, I fudged with the clothes again today, and I think I'm finally happy with the selection I'm bringing - 1 dress (casual / day), 1 playsuit, 1 knee length skirt, 1 mini skirt, 1 denim shorts, 2 black capped-sleeve tops, 1 white tank, 1 printed grey tank. 

For mucking about I have a black cover up tank for my yellow floral bikini and a pair of light cotton wear-at-home shorts. 

And of course, flip flops! 

I have a bunch of underwear that I'll likely wear and throw out and not bother to bring home. And a bra that has seen way better days too. 

When I showed BIKSS which knickers were for going out and which were for sleeping in, his reply was "What makes you so sure you'll be sleeping in any knickers at all?" Now that I think about it, what makes HIM so sure that he'll be getting any sleep in the first place!! I'm gonna be attacking Roger every chance I get! Haha!

But on a more serious note - I've also asked him to remind me regularly that I'm his lidl and he's Daddy. Cos I really don't want to get pissy on this trip, and ruin our vacation. And I KNOW just telling myself to be respectful isn't going to help as each day wears on and I get tired and cranky. So just as my being in little mode helps draw out the Daddy in him more, when he goes Daddy on me I tend to stay focused on my littleness and maintain my submission a bit better. And I'm hoping that helps keep me safe from the nasty grumpy monsters that live in my head. 

Feeling Forced

We had lunch after work today (it's Thursday as I'm writing this) and then I went for a ride along with Daddy cos he had people to see and I had nothing to do in the afternoon. 

I walked around while he went to his appointments. Then we would meet up again when he was done, and head off to the next location. 

After he got done with all his meetings we ended up in a store we both like. Sometimes shopping with Daddy is great. At other times, I think the more time we spend together the greater the chance of things going south. 

I had purchased something then realised there was a similar something on the sale rack. Daddy was holding on to some pants and I said don't pay for them. I might want to do an exchange and the sale item cost less, so if they gave me store credit we could pay for the pants he wanted to buy. 

1) He knew this store did cash refunds. I didn't. 

2) I mentioned - let's not waste it, we can use the credit - he didn't hear either "waste" nor "credit".

3) He didn't know I didn't know they did cash refunds. 

Basically I thought he knew what I knew and he thought I knew what he knew. Yeah. Are your eyebrows raised yet? 

I had abandoned the idea of getting the on-sale item, and said, well, ok, you're on your own - you can go sort out your bill. But before he could head to the cashier (that's how I remember it anyway), his phone beeped and he had to sit and take a call. So I continued browsing and saw something else I thought I would try. Which I did. 

By the time I came out happy with my alternative (I would save $15!) he was carrying a shopping bag. I freaked out a little. Ok a lot. I got annoyed that he went ahead and paid up even tho he knew I was trying something on. He said I knew he was going to pay for it since I basically said I wasn't gonna do an exchange and told him to go ahead. 

There was a lot of who said what and who did what and why didn't you's and why would you's. But in the end I got my refund and off we went. 

I was sorry I threw a fit, I was. I am. I said so very soon after we left the store. But I also needed to talk about how we could have handled it better. Anyway long story short is that it was just a simple case of miscommunication and shit happens. 

And then we headed back to mine. On the way Daddy asked "Spanking?" I said yes, "but you can't fuck me from behind cos I think I've strained my back and neck from arching backwards." 

I found out later that that worked its way into his brain in a manner that he wasn't prepared for. (We still don't quite know what it was about my saying that that didn't sit well with him.)

What followed is that we carried on as usual, chatted, laughed, got undressed, and then he started spanking. But it wasn't a good spanking. It was awful. Also the belt he was wearing wasn't the same one as from the last 2 spankings, and it was landing all wrong. I complained and suggested he use the belt that was hanging on the back of my door. Better. But he was holding it with the end free. Not looped back on itself like before. 

Again, the strokes were just a little bit off. After 3 or 4 "wrong" hits in succession on the same spot I hollered and told him to stop or he was gonna leave a nasty bruise. 

Then I said, double it back on itself, like you did the last 2 times. He did. And it went better after that. But the bubble had popped, the glass had cracked, I didn't feel safe anymore. 

I felt as if he didn't care, or that he was just going thru the motions. I let him finish up with a hand spanking and then we lay beside each other and I interrogated him on his belting technique. He was defensive, I was accusing. 

Hey, this is my ass we're talking about. 

After that I don't know how but we ended up cuddling and I burst out crying. It didn't feel right and I feel bad, I said. 

He agreed saying that it felt forced. 

I dunno what it was, or if it will ever happen again. But he did say he recognised that something inside him wasn't right. And that it began with that "can't fuck me from behind" statement earlier on. As if I thought his spanking me was just for sex. 

Which for the record, let me just say, I do NOT think the spanking is just for sex. 

He also said that maybe I thought that his coming up to my place was just so he could have sex. Which again, is SO not true cos often I'm the one who says "wanna come over and have sex?" or "let's go upstairs and have sex... " In fact we've had hang-out dates before where sometimes I don't feel like it's a we're-gonna-end-up-fucking date, but somehow I end up saying "wanna have sex now?"

It's not like HE always wants to and I feel like I'm having to give in or anything like that. 

Anyway, I'm sure if it's still bothering him in a couple of days I'll hear more about it. But if not, then it's what it is. A glitch he calls it. 

But we have  learnt something today - If his mind (and/or his emotions) isn't where it's supposed to be, then it'll definitely transfer to me during a spanking. 

So the end result is I got a spanking that felt like a spanking for the sake of a spanking. Cos we both expected that one was going to be had. He wasn't in the right mindset. Which in turn yanked me out of MY mindset. 

I said it felt like he didn't care. And he reassured me that that wasn't it in the slightest. But he did apologise (very sincerely, I might add) for how his not-in-the-right-frame-of-mind-to-spank-but-give-a-spanking-anyway spanking affected me.  

As he was looking at the time, I said, "Now look, I didn't even get to have sex." 

He remedied that. 

"Why is Roger hard? We haven't been doing anything sexy."

"You're naked. That's why. Why are you wet? That spanking was 15 minutes ago."

"Cos pussy juice doesn't just evaporate."

After we were done he lay beside me for some more proper cuddles, and as I turned over to lie facing down he reached for my bum and spanked me with his hand. A proper I-Love-You spanking. 

(But he still owes me a proper PROPER one to make up for the yucky one today.)