Thoughts and Finding my Mojo

The fotos of the trip will come soon, I promise. 

(and soon is a strange word innit? anyone here seen The Chosen? if you have, you'll understand the reference to that word!)

While we were on vacation (ok, I was on vacation, BIKSS was working) I found my mojo. Either

1) Those essential oils for rebalancing my hormones are working, or

2) The fact that they're relaxing and calming and have eased all the aches and pains means I'm more receptive to sexy time stuff. 

The boss thinks it probably also has something to do with getting over the chronic stress and tension of being a caregiver for half a decade.  He says usually it takes about 6-8 months, or sometimes even 12 months, for this kind of long-term stress and anxiety to wear off before any interest in sex returns. 

Well, whatever it is, I'm glad it's back. 

We had many plenty sex. BIKSS got many plenty blowjobs. We had sex in the mornings, before bed, when he got back to the hotel room after work and before going out to dinner... 

The room came equipped with spanking apparatus too!

OK Fine, it was a clothes brush. But a handle is a handle, and THAT handle made contact with my butt! 

There were hand spanks too, and not just on my ass. The boobs got smacked, the face got smacked, even pussy got a few slaps for good measure. 

There was pinching, there was gagging, there was panting, there was a lot of action that had been missing in our sex life over the last few years. And there was interest. 

I was horny. ACTUALLY horny. Not just "dutifully" servicing the man, but demanding to be serviced! 

So yes, I think the mojo is back, and I think BIKSS is relieved. 

He's been extremely sweet over the last few years that I've been disinterested in sex. We HAVE fucked, don't get me wrong, but I haven't exactly been eager to tear his clothes off. 

If I'm being honest, a lot of it was duty driven. Which brings me to the other thing that's been on my mind a lot lately. 

For some reason this topic of conversation has been making an appearance frequently over the last month or so. In a nutshell, it's this - if you don't take care of your man, he's going to find someone else who will. (We are M/f so my examples and references will reflect this type of coupling.)

I will qualify this by saying I'm not talking JUST about sex. But that IS a part of it. 

So here is where I might sound like I'm comparing myself to his wife. That's not the intention, but if it looks that way, then so be it. 

For one thing, there's the sex and the blowjobs. Then there's the DDlg / D/s dynamic. That one's a little contentious. After all, it was ME who wanted such a dynamic, not him. But he has found it agreeable and enjoys it all the same. 

But it's the other things. Health. Diet. Supplements. Blood tests. Vaccinations. Thankfully he's able to handle exercising on his own, but in the past, that was something I would drag him out to do too. Vacation itineraries. Food adventures. Arts and Culture - I make it a point to attend shows and concerts and events that will enrich us. Fashion. Personal Style (when he changed jobs to join the luxury industry we both realised it was necessary to up-style his wardrobe!) Information. Tools. I used to send him links to videos and articles that were relevant to his industry (especially in the first months of his joining the new company).

When we vacation together I'm his personal round-the-clock housekeeping service. Coffee maker, cup washer, shoe arranger, shirt folder, towel hanger upper, personal item picker upper. You get the idea. I said to him recently, it must be nice to have your own slave with you on a business trip. (And I don't mean specifically Master/slave type of slave in the context of us having a D/s r/p. But literally a slave-girl to do all the chores and keep the place neat and clean and serve him coffee when he arrives back at the hotel after work.)

When we do get a chance to wake up together in the morning I make certain to touch him, stroke his chest, kiss whatever part of him is easily reachable to me in my sleepy state without my having to move around too much. 

I am currently trying to reset a lappy that I got for free so that he can have it to use at home without lugging the office lappy back and forth. Sure, I could chuck the thing at him and say, here, I got it, you configure it. But if I can do a thing that makes his life easier I would do it. 

Very, very early on, in the first few months of this blog's inception, I wrote a post about our dynamic. I said pretty much the same thing. If something I do can make his life a little bit easier, a little bit happier, then I'm doing it.  

Coming back to the bit about taking care of your man, I must also mention intellectual stimulation. I know one of the things he enjoys about spending time with me is that I make him think. And we spar. And we discuss. And sometimes we fight (not my best moments...). We learn stuff together. We talk about philosophical things. We dig around each others' brains to suss out deep dark thoughts and desires. And I always want to know what he's feeling. About work. About himself. About his life. Well, with one exception. 

For obvious reasons, the one topic I will not discuss is his family. Not only does it not concern me, but I am (and have to be) kept especially and entirely separate from it. Therefore I find it would only harm my emotional self if I were to discuss this aspect of his life. And this is something I will not do. I will care for him and build him up as long as it is not detrimental to my own self. 

But that's also a very specific exclusion peculiar to our situation. And doesn't apply to regular marriages and relationships. 

Anyway I shall continue. The thing that I have discovered is that the friends (women) with whom I have discussed this topic have all in one way or another come close to 'losing' their blokes, or at the very least felt that their relationships were headed south. And then realised that the fix was relatively simple. And once they decided to start 'taking care' of their men, things got a whole lot better. 

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, as girls growing up in my generation we were taught about equality and all that jazz. Stand on your own two feet. You don't need to pander to the needs of any man. You don't need them. You are independent, educated, confident. Blah blah blah. But no one reminded us that at the heart of the matter, men and women have very different needs and it's all just biology. They want to feel loved, wanted, cared for, and nurtured. These are not needs that are reserved just for the fairer sex, as romance novels (and Disney princesses of old) would have us believe.

(Before anyone reminds me that this is a D/s community and what I've been talking about is what everyone here already knows, that the Dom-sub relationship works wonders for a relationship because it is very often part of the contract or dynamic that subs, for want of better phrasing, give their Doms whatever is asked or required of them as the Doms see fit or for their pleasure; I want to emphasise that some men may not be comfortable with dominance and may not enter into such a relationship with thier spouses. Or their spouses may not be willing to be a sub. Honestly, would BIKSS and his partner have a much better relationship with D/s present? Sure. I believe so. Would he ever have brought it up to her? No. Would she have ever agreed to it? No. At least, I doubt it GREATLY. My point is, couples don't have to be in a D/s r/p to enjoy the rewards of this dynamic. JUST TAKE FUCKING CARE OF YOUR  MAN. Or he's going to find someone else who will.)

And now, let the arrows fly! 

(Comments are welcome. You are allowed to disagree, or unfollow. But please, keep it civil. )

Spanky Thoughts

Random bits in my head. 

If a fella enjoys spanking, is it usually the case that he'll be sexually aroused by it? Or do guys also sometimes enjoy spanking for the spanking with no sexual response? 

If said fella is the former, does it mean he'll ALWAYS associate it with being a sexual encounter? Or can he flip flop and sometimes think it's sexual and other times think it's not? 

And if you're a punishment spanking duo, what then? Do serious spanks not turn you on but fun spanks do? 

Are you a sadist only in that you enjoy inflicting pain? Or does it have to matter that the recipient is reacting in a way that communicates to you that they are in pain? What if there is no response because they are just that stoic... but you know the blows ARE painful. Would you still enjoy it? 

If I enjoy pain, I'm a masochist. (That's being very simplistic, but just go with it.) If you are spanking me and I'm enjoying it, and am happy to try and challenge myself to be still and not wriggle... and succeed... does that make the experience less exciting for you, the spanker? 

I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Feel free to ramble on and write a thesis. I don't mind. 

My mood pic today ~ 

X is not for Xpectations But It'll Have to Do

Sorry Morningstar, no clever X word here. I could have done something about X-rated... or X-rays... but I had this on my mind and wanted to put it on the blog. 

So, Xpectations it is. 

The one thing I hadn't expected when I got involved with BIKSS was how patient he his. And how important that is in a relationship. As I was reading at Becoming His Slut some time ago I came across a post that hit me on the head with this patience thing. 

Many a time (in the beginning anyway) when we would argue or when I got upset (cos you know, he got upset VERY infrequently) I always expected that this would be the day he decided enough was enough and he didn't need to put up with my crap anymore. 

Perhaps it was because the other men I had dated up to this point were all volatile sorts. One punched a wall. One punched (and smashed) a mirror. One got up and walked out during a pizza-on-the-sofa-watching-telly dinner. One ghosted me. One sunk into depression. All of them taught me that anything that happened was my fault. I was the trigger. I said something. I did something. I made them angry. I hurt them. 

BIKSS taught me that fault is irrelevant. That no matter what happens, Love is still present. The commitment to stick it out and work it thru. To solve the issue, to deal with the problem, to move past the hurt and anger. 

There was always an "after". And any argument or fight or upset feelings were merely temporary ... a break in our regular programming to be dealt with in order to get to that "after". 

And to do that, one had to wait it out, talk it out, think things thru. And for me, this meant taking the time to work out what's what in my brain until I'm able to convey all my feelings and thoughts in words. While I do this, BIKSS waits. He sits with me. He holds me. His calm, stable aura fills up the space we're occupying and envelopes my frantic emotions. 

He is the only person I have been with who has given me the one thing my personality needs in order for a relationship to work. Patience. 

When I'm stressing with work / family / worries, patience. 

When I'm running late cos of some last minute thing or other, patience.

When I'm in a mood and/or grouchy and/or under the weather, patience. 

When I'm pissed at him but can't explain why exactly, patience. 

When I do or say something that hurts him / pisses him off, patience (to let me explain myself). 

When I ramble on about something that I know is totally irrelavent to him but I'm excited about and can't stop myself from going on and on about... patience. 

There are a million other examples where so many times, I realise, we could have ended up in huge fights or worse, but we didn't because of that one rare quality that he has in abundance. 

Patience. 

AND NO ONE (when I was growing up, at least) thought to hint at this being an expectation or a "what to look for" trait in a future partner. 

When we were in school it was always the same for a lot of us - What do you look for in a guy? 

- sense of humour, 

- loyal, 

- responsible, 

- wants kids

- gets along well with my family

- financially independent / stable

- hardworking 

- optimistic

- smart, well educated (not necessarily the same thing too!)

No one said "patience" and no adult around me who heard us thought to interrupt and suggest it either. 

Perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort on wasted relationships if it had just occurred to me sooner. 

Who knows what my life would have looked like if my expectations had been different. 

One thing's for sure, I didn't expect BIKSS. 

But I'm glad he's still here. 

Today's post was brought to you by the letter E pretending to be the letter X

(click the pic above to find out more about the A-Z Blogging Challenge)

The Last Post

...of the year. 

Today I filled up a form for the vaccine. Since I'm working in healthcare I get dibs. The first wave of vaccinations have been reserved for medical staff and frontline workers. Once they've received my details, I'll get a letter / email / text message informing me which clinic I should go to, and when, in order to get jabbed. 

I was on the fence at first, but after listening to my boss whom I hold in very high regard, and watching some interviews and reading the research papers, I think I will go ahead with it. 

In case you wanted to watch an interview re the vaccine, this is a good one : 

Today my live in helper had the day off and mum had been curious to try out a new restaurant near her old place. 

The son that can do no wrong was supposed to take her there for Christmas lunch. But they ended up at some other Thai place and she still has no idea why... I told her it's probably because they didn't make a reservation. 

The place has some very good value-for-money set meals that are very popular and it's notoriously crowded. I rang yesterday to make a reservation for lunch today. I had booked a table for 1.30, which normally isn't a busy time for the eateries in this area. The restaurants to the left and right of it were empty. But when we arrived we had to wait for about 5 minutes as they got our table ready (we were a little bit early) and as we walked to our seats I noticed that all the other tables were occupied. 

She had a traditional Chinese fish head hot pot and I had the shabu pork belly and prawn set.

If weird Asian food freaks you out.. I suggest you say goodbye now and click out of this post. Or else keep reading for pics! 

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The table top was mega colourful! With an induction plate for the soup pot.

My bowl of mushrooms and veggies, I don't like piping hot food so hot pot meals for me are a bit of an exercise in patience. I remove the cooked food from the main pot then wait for it to cool.

Close up of the pork and prawns and chopped up fish head. I come from a country where many of us grew up with fish head curry, fish head steamboat (aka hotpot), and grilled fish head etc.

She seemed to enjoy her lunch, and I think maybe I should start a new tradition. Perhaps the last day of the year is a fine time for us to do some mother-daughter bonding. 

When I got home I found a package had arrived for me - I ordered a mat/rug for my room to exercise on. It arrived today and I absolutely love it. It wasn't the design I originally wanted, but everyone chose this one over the heart prints (they said it was too cheesy!) and I'm glad I went along with popular opinion. The pink and red hearts would have been a bit too loud in the little space on my floor that the rug occupies. 

Later my sister and niece are coming over to hang out and watch the online streaming of the fireworks. They're broadcasting it on TV so we intend to have a go at some blackjack while watching the New Year's countdown show on the telly. 

It's nice that she would come all this way, cos they don't exactly live nearby, and transportation will be expensive tonight. 

I am grateful for that, and for the day I had. (My boss also gave me a huge discount on my flu jab - almost at cost! And I didn't even have to pay for *that*, cos he's applying for some sort of govt vaccination subsidy scheme on my behalf.)

The last day of the year has been a pretty awesome one. Let's hope this is a sign that 2021 will be just as swell! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

Are You Lost?

He turned on the GPS on his fone. 

I noticed. 

"Are you lost?"

"Nope. I just needed to see where I'm going."

"Do you know where we are?"

"Yes, we're here... " he shows me his fone. 

"Did you plan to be here?"

"No, but I took turnoff a little too early and now I'm trying to see how to get to where I need to go." 

"So you're lost?"

"I'm not. I know exactly where we are." 

"But you don't know how to get to where you need to go! That makes you lost!"

"I'm not lost. I just don't know the place I need to get to because I've never been there. Lost is when you don't know where you ARE. And I know where we are. I just don't know where the place is. "

[[Me: Can't fight Daddy-logic. Sounds exactly like the kind of thing *I* would say. ]]

"OK Daddy, you win." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realise I really like these little interactions. I feel like I'm pushing and testing, and in a lot of my past relationships, and I daresay in the beginning of ours, the guys tended to just give up and/or get pissy. 

I'm glad that BIKSS has figured out what makes me tick and how to handle me. It's lovely!

Missing Me

I did a one word meme where the last question was "Missing someone?" and I answered ME.

Here's the explanation. 

I feel like since the parents have come to live with me I've become a totally different person. 

1 - I used to be on top of things. I'm not anymore. It's a constant struggle to keep my head above water and keep ahead of everything. Even little things like getting groceries, packing up stray shopping bags, and putting away the pots and pans seem like a battle against time now.

2 - I used to host dinners and entertain at home. That's not happening anymore. The mother and live-in helper camp out in the living room for various reasons. They go to bed at 830pm. Meaning dinners at home are out of the question since the drinking and chatting usually go on till midnight. 

3 - I used to be free to come and go as I please. Now I'm bombarded with all sorts of questions, and it's trying because the mother seems to think she still has a right to tell me what I should or should not do. "Why are you going out at this time of the night?" "You wake up early for work - you shouldn't tire yourself out." "You need to wake up earlier so you don't have to rush through your mornings to leave on time." "You went walking yesterday why do you have to go walking again today?" It's irritating. Also, everything I do is subject to comment. "Is that what you're having for dinner?" "You shouldn't drink so much coffee." "Why do you need to do laundry so often?" "You're washing the sheets again?" 

Honestly, none of those remarks are necessary, nor have anything to do with anyone but ME. SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE - is something I think to myself way too often. 

The consequence of all this is that 

1 - I am a grouchier person; I'm stressed out more cos I'm trying to make sure that I don't drop the ball; 

2 - I don't get to spend as much time being social AT HOME as I have to be social OUTSIDE of the house, or else I'd never see my friends, which isn't something I particularly love doing because I used to enjoy being in my home and HOSTING IN MY HOME; 

3 - I have become moody and withdrawn and try not to interact with the mother unless necessary because every random conversation eventually turns into an attack on what I do / eat / think and how I live my life. 

And when I take a look at who I've become and what my life looks like now, it's not a view I can say I'm satisfied with. In fact whenever I "see" a part of me that doesn't look like the me I know, I tend to think "Wow, really? Is this who I am now? Wow." And not in a good way. 

I hold on for dear life to the few things that still remain which make me, ME - I'm all about determination and tenacity so right now I cling to the weight-loss success, the living of the healthy lifestyle, the not buying smokes cos I can NOT smoke if I say I'll not smoke except when I've said I will (ie with a few select friends), the being a model employee because I take pride in my work and I'm not a slacker who'll jump at the chance to call in sick. And yes. I hold on to the relationship I have with BIKSS. It's one of the things that HASN'T changed in the last year. 

But mostly I feel like I'm living a life that is not authentic. It is a life that has been put upon me. The changes I've made to my lifestyle are mostly in form, just different routines. It is somewhat true and one might argue that my core person is still the same. But somehow it feels like the result of those changes is that the shape of my inner self has been altered. I feel eroded in some areas, and artificially padded in others; more fragile here, more calloused there. 

I tell myself this will pass. That one day I'll reclaim my life. I'll be the person I wanted me to be again. The person I was before all this happened. But I know by the time that happens so many things would have happened, so many more events transpired, so much time passed, that the ME who emerges will never be the same as the ME I was when I entered this phase of life. 

And that makes me a little sad. Because I enjoyed THAT me. I don't like THIS one. Not much, anyway.

Despacito

SO I was out shopping with a girlfriend when this song came on and she mentioned that it was a really sexy bit of music. 

I didn't think it was all that hot or anything so I continued looking at floral tops and velvet dresses. 

Priorities right?

If you haven't heard it, here it is (CLICK THIS LINK if the video doesn't play for you) :

When I came across it again on a friend's FB feed I thought I might have another go at it. 

Enter Youtube. There were a few versions but I suspected the original Spanish one might possibly have the most authentic feel and would contain the trooooo essence of the song. So I clicked on it. Erm. 

The verdict? Well, I quite enjoy the slow-ish soca rhythm but aside from that I must say the melody is too monotonous for my liking, the chaps in the video aren't as hot as I'd like them to be, and I find myself getting impatient at all the slow-mo bits in the clip. Yeah. I'm not gonna be downloading this one then.

Then I thought I should find out what the song is about. Maybe that might help. I looked up "Despacito English translation" and what greeted my eyes looked like a page out of a D/s love story (or just a very creepy love story). 

Here's a little bit of it :

Slowly
I wanna breathe your neck slowly
Let me whisper things into your ear
So that you remember if you're not with me
Slowly
I wanna strip you off with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your laberinth
And make your whole body a manuscript
Turn it up

Step by step, soft softly
We're going to get caught little by little
I want you to show me
Your favourite places places places Places
Step by step, soft softly
We're going to get caught little by little
To make you scream (Fonsi)
And forget your name (DY)
Slowly

Either that, or my brain reads everything it sees now from a D/s point of view. In which case, I dare say, I am well and truly corrupted. 

A Quick Note about Kissing and Appropriateness

BTW, that's a real word. I looked it up. Altho it does look cumbersome doesn't it? 

So a while ago I commented on Conina's post about why she doesn't like kissing. I was elaborating on the point in explaining to BIKSS that for me if felt like the first 60% of the kissing (yes, even french kissing) was just waiting it out to get to the later 40% of the kissing where the turn-on happens.  But BIKSS is a big kisser. Just the promise of a kiss will get Roger interested. 

A kiss (by itself) to me is more tender, playful, affectionate, than a lusty & hot blood-pumping promise of sex. However, put the kissing together with grabbing, holding, whispering (between kisses) into my ear all the dirty things you will do to me, and you've got something else altogether.  

Now that you are all experts on the different ways we view this activity, here's today's story:

We're in the bedroom and in the midst of getting undressed to take a shower and I'm rambling on about the new price plan (for my mother) from my mobile phone service provider. Imagine how disconcerting it is when I find my nipple getting tweaked and my mouth getting accosted for some kissing action! 

I mean, seriously? I'm telling you how much 2GB of "free" data costs and you're twiddling my nipples through my top? 

I giggle and point this out to him: this - THIS - is why we so often hear men say "My woman / girlfriend / wife isn't interested in sex." Hellooooo, inappropriate timing much?

It went like this:

"So after I checked out the (kiss) fone that they (kiss) were giving away for free (finger on nipple, I look down) the lady said if she is above (shudder from ticklish ear kissing) 55 there's a (ouch, pinching nipple) discounted rate and (kiss kiss kiss) it will only cost like (other hand on other nipple now) 32 bucks or (attempt at kiss while I move my head backwards) something."

See? I really don't think it's our fault if we're not immediately turned on while we're sharing our day of mundane stuff with you and you're trying to punctuate our story with kisses and fondles. 

BIKSS laughed and said this was what it felt like to him:

Talk talk talk - oh, I wanna kiss her - talk free fone talk - hm, I see nipple - MINE - and exposed neck - talk talk 55 years - wonder if she'll notice me pinching her tit -  heh, she did, and still talking - maybe rapid fire kissing - oh yeah baby where's that other tit - talk talk 32 bucks - ok stop talking and let's do this!

SO the summary is that while I was telling him about a new mobile price plan, he was getting a hard-on. 

And THAT is the difference between boys and girls. :)

What Then?

I'll be brief. Sometimes I read a blog. I think everythings a-ok. I get to know someone. Then I start to judge. Not them, per se. But the kind of relationship they're in. Sometimes I think they're in a "bad" BDSM place. That it seems the Dom's doing stuff to them that isn't quite "for the sub's good". 

It may just be my own interpretation of the D/s relationship. 

What do you do when you no longer "agree" with the activities a blogger is writing about? I don't mean the extremes of their kink or the specific scenes. I mean the emotion that accompanies each playtime. 

I can handle "He did this this and that to me and I relished it and oh I felt so liberated after. And I hated the thing itself, but I loved being able to submit to Master."

What I can't handle is "I really did not want to and that's not what I signed up for but I'm a sub and I'm HIS sub so I have to no matter how it makes me feel, cos he MUST know best what I like and what I don't and my own opinions don't matter."

One says to me - I'm happy to submit. The other says to me, look at me I'm the perfect doormat. 

Yeah, I'm being bitchy right about now. Can you tell? 

So what then? When your cautionary comments get vetoed and the subs justify their actions/thoughts/feelings etc, saying you don't understand, that they need it, despite it not serving any greater good, do we just quietly close the door, click to a new page, and don't go back there anymore? 

Because it's HARD to go back and keep on reading about how someone isn't seeing the abuse that's there. There is FEAR in their voice. And they don't want to admit it. 

Excuse me if I'm wrong, but if there's one thing BDSM and D/s and DD and TTWD  must have, it's trust. And the one thing it CANNOT have, imho, is fear. How can you say you trust this man with your life when you fear him more?

The Express Date and a Realisation

We went to watch Starlight Express. BIKSS was going to come by in the evening, so I got a little pre-show snack ready. When he came up I had just stepped out of the shower so we headed into the bedroom where the A/C was on. And since I needed to cool off anyway, I convinced him to let me have a little pre-snack Roger-sundae!

After we ate I proceeded to get ready. He hung out with me in the room while I was putting on my face but left for a bit to hit the loo. By the time he came back I was done with my make-up and was getting ready to pull a top on over my jeans. 

He came in thru the door and stood there with a dumbfounded expression. He literally stopped in his tracks and stared at me. 

it looked a little like this

I was a little freaked out until I realised he LIKED it. I did my eyes a little differently than normal, and it was the first time he'd seen this look on me. 

"What? WHAT? Quit staring, hun, you're making me uncomfortable."

"You shouldn't be. You've got that whole china-doll thing going with your eyes..." 

"Uh-huh, yeah,.. but quit staring! Really, it's making me uncomfortable!"

I have NEVER seen him look at me, or any woman, like that. Totally loved it tho! And when a fella looks at you like that, you don't need him to tell you how nice you look. The gawking says it all!

(Later on when he could speak normally again he DID say that he thought I looked HOT! *giggle*)

It was a quick night. We went, we watched it, then he sent me home. But despite it being a no-frills outing, it must have been one of the best dates I've ever been on! It was a good show, I was glad that he thought I looked awesome, and I was totally feeling like a million bucks! Singing the Streets of Fire title track at the top of our lungs together on the ride home didn't hurt either!

Now here's the grown up part of this post -

I'm not sure BIKSS enjoyed the show as much as I did. But it was something he knew I was looking forward to, and by the end of it he was more than a little amused at my excitement. And seeing as how he got us the tickets and made time to take me, I'm quite certain it was good enough for him that *I* had so much fun! Plus he had a hot-looking date! LOL 

This is new. This confidence. This acceptance that someone could be happy knowing he made me happy. Hah. What do you know? I guess I have grown. The "I'm-not-good-enough" wall is slowly, but surely, coming down, I say. 

Could It Be?

...That because there are going to be instances where I cannot be included in his plans, it becomes easier for me not to get upset at being excluded? 

It just occurred to me that some of the reasons why I used to have major fights with my other half is that they'd go off with this or that friend (or group of friends) and not include me. 

Especially when they expect that I will include them when I meet up with MY friends. 

*OK, so that's problem number one... double standards*

So I don't mind including them when I meet my gang, and sometimes they choose not to come along. Which is their choice. From what I gather, they want the option, at least. 

But when the tables are turned I'm not afforded the same courtesy. They feel that so-and-so may feel threatened by my presence (so I'm a strong, rather b*tchy sort but I can play nice, honest!!) and so it would be better if I didn't come along. Or some other stupid reason that makes no sense to me... 

*I'm automatically excluding all Boys' Night and Girls' Night scenarios here... altho the lines get a bit fuzzy when I have girl friends who are lesbians and boy friends who are gay. But let's not go there.*

So in the end I find myself feeling sidelined, dismissed, or as if they were ashamed to be seen with me. Which probably explains why I started becoming more and more insecure. The other side of this coin is that I start getting suspicious - if there's nothing to hide, or if they are "just friends" as they say, then what's the harm in my being present? 

My personal view of being in a legitimate relationship (let's ignore my illicit affair here) is that somewhere down the road we'll think about getting married and starting a family etc. And there's no time like the present to introduce me to your nearest and dearest so that we can start getting to know each other better right? After all if I'm going to be your life partner, and they're your best friends, don't you think we should learn to like each other as quickly as possible? 

And now this has got me wondering what it would be like to be involved in a regular-type relationship with BIKSS, where we didn't have to hide being together. I wonder how he would handle going out - if he'd bring me along, if he'd make me feel secure about the times that he didn't think I should come with... 

For the moment tho, I suppose there is some relief knowing that this is one problematic (in my experience) area that I won't have to deal with.

Monday Musings

It's been a while since I wrote - mostly cos I've been busy with baking more cakes to sell to friends.

Yes, I've decided that I will officially be baking and selling my layer cakes all year round now, and not just during the festive season. 

It'll be a good way to keep me occupied, and I like baking anyway. It's therapeutic. Slapping on layer after mindless layer of batter doesn't require any thinking. I can switch my brain off for an hour or so while I bake, and it's fun thinking up new flavours to add to the basic recipe.

I've finally bought myself a kitchen counter that I have dedicated solely to my baking endeavours. On it I've got my mixer and oven, and everything else bake-related is now happily housed on wire racks under it. BIKSS helped me put it together last Thursday, and of course because he's a man, at some point we had to undo the whole thing and actually look at the instructions and start over. He insists that's half the fun- trying to build something without first reading the manual. I'm not sure I share his point of view. But either way, I'm proud of myself for not making any fuss. As a matter of fact, I felt no stress, didn't feel inclined to say I-told-you-so... I think we're finally beginning to just flow naturally now... almost a year on. 

It seems like the D/s isn't something that's in focus anymore. I'm tempted to say it's not present. But I know that's not true. In fact, it's omnipresent. It's part of who we are. There's no issue of "getting into the right frame of mind" now, and I think that's a good thing. It's subconscious, and we're really enjoying each other in a way I've never experienced before in past relationships. I finally feel, um, calm. Yeah, that's a good word.

And the ONE big thing I've noticed about all this - the less I gripe and bitch and simply allow him to steer us on, the more likely he is to do his darnedest to keep me happy and meet my needs / wants. The key was just to trust that he's thinking and doing what's best for us - BOTH of us, not just himself! 

So what's a sub to do while her man's busy planning and sussing and thinking? 

Why, bake, of course! So in honour of Dom-appreciation day, we're having cottage pie for dinner, and eclairs for dessert. I hope he's hungry!

B for BIKSS

Helping my Dom with his Issues

Yes that's right.

He has issues. 

He doesn't engage. He disassociates. So it's my job to push for talks and be ready and open to whatever he has to say cos really, it's probably not something he's all too comfortable with in the first place - hence the reticence. And I am blessed with many years of practice in the art of non-judgement. The closer you are to my heart, the less judge-y I am. Everything he has to say is valid.

Also, he is evasive. When he thinks an answer might disappoint me or upset me, he rambles on or moves the conversation away to something else. In the past when I flared up I was told that I don't give it a chance... that I jump on stuff right away and if I had waited a little, he would have gotten the chance to say whatever it is that I expected him to say.

So last night I waited 45 mins before reminding him that I was still waiting for an answer. To TWO questions. That were rather time-sensitive. It involved coming and getting me from my sister's house. And if the answer was going to be no, then I would see to getting home myself. 

I recently taught my Dom that all questions are legit. And I seldom ask rhetorical ones. I didn't attack him, I was respectful and polite and maybe tried to be a little light-hearted even. Which worked out well, cos he admitted that evasion is an art that he is well-practised in. In retrospect I must say that was really quite a feat for me seeing as how I'm up to my eyebrows in festive preparations and baking AND I'm PMS-ing. 

*Takes a bow.*

You see, them Dom types aren't perfect. But we can help them to be perfect for us. Just as we try constantly to be perfect for them. 

(Someone remind me I wrote this post the next time I'm all bitchy and unreasonable ok? I'm in such a zen state right now - I wonder what else is in that decaf tea I'm drinking...)

Guilt

Christina at Red Booty Woman wrote about feeling guilty for leaving her parents in the hospice, for going on a no-family vacation, just to get some time to herself to relax and renew. 

The thing is, we ALL have guilt, and as Fiona has said to me before regarding a sticky situation with my parents, it's my Catholic Guilt making me feel lousy. 

All I know is that I'm thankful I have someone who'll alleviate all this self-imposed guilt when it becomes too much for me to bear. This is today's story:-

In the spirit of the season, I offered to have this year's end of year-cum-Christmas party for my usual gang from work at my place. I say usual gang cos there are many teachers who float in and out of my centre depending on what day it is. I myself only teach there 3 days a week. So I am only familiar with those people who are there on the same days I am. 

It was supposed to be 4 guests and myself, making a total of 5. When invited  my branch manager she was so excited she invited another teacher on my behalf... well, ok, 6. I can do 6. This teacher doesn't feel like she wants to exclude her husband from the festivities, so she asked if he could come. Manager answers on my behalf - "sure!" she claps her hands in glee. In my head I'm pulling out the extra chairs from the rooms to make enough seating for all of us now. 

Groan. One of the other guests who was previously quite happy to come solo now asks if her boyfriend can come with, since XX is bringing her husband. Well, I couldn't say no... so er, yeah, I said ok. Fine. 8. That's it. No more please!

Now one teacher comes hoppety hopping along back from the ladies' room and asked what we're all so happy about. Girl who now has the green light to bring boyfriend said to her, "Hey you said you couldn't come cos your mum will be in town and you didn't want her to feel excluded, why don't you come and bring her along, after all XX is bringing her husband and I'm bringing my boyfriend!" 

She grinned, came up to me and gave me a hug and said, "That's so nice of you! I'll bring dessert." 

Then someone else said they'd bring drinks (of the soda variety, not the alcoholic kind!) and another one said they'd bring snacks. 

Um hello - I'm buying the roast chicken. And XX offered a potato salad. But surely we can't all be having just that for food? Then it's one excuse after another why each of them couldn't contribute real food. THey were coming from church, there was not where to buy take-out along the way, they didn't have a proper kitchen to cook in cos they're renting a place currently (foreigners) etc etc. 

I told BIKSS I felt like cancelling cos I was pissed at how it spiraled out of control. Not to mention I can't accommodate that many ("Oh, don't worry, we'll manage - we can squeeze") and we probably won't have enough food ("It's ok, you can make awesome pasta right? and we don't need a lot of food, we're small eaters") AND I don't even know 3 of the people who'll be there in my HOME and I don't even LIKE at least 2 of those who are coming. (One of them got invited out of courtesy cos she happens to work there - but heck, it was just ONE so I thought I shouldn't leave her out.)

BIKSS said just act happy for a week, then tell them I've got relatives coming in from out of town and I'm sorry but I have to cancel cos I have to entertain them and attend some huge big extended family Christmas dinner. Which isn't altogether a lie... my German relatives will be flying in on the 27th!

When I asked him if I was being a horrid person for doing this, his reply was "If the fun has been taken out of the event by inconsiderate folks, what's it worth?"

And just like that I have a smile on my face again. 

Now what do I do with that roast chicken and meatloaf that I've ordered (and paid for) from the deli? 

A Final Word and His POV

... on this whole abuse thing. I don't quite mean physical or psychological abuse ONLY - I think at this point I'm also referring to the abuse of power.

I can't help it. I'm sorry. I have to say it. If you are offended, I do NOT apologise because these are my views. Touchy subject ahead... so please proceed at your own risk. 

Some of the people I read started out a little shaky, unsure, and trying to make sense of this DD / TTWD thing.

Then they got to the point where the wife is wondering why her HoH is so inconsistent. 

Then the HoH decides, ok, you know what? We're GONNA do this. 

Then he takes the power and runs with it. 

Now the wife starts wondering : why is he so mean to me? But that's what I asked for. And I really should be glad that he's on board. So she keeps silent and accepts that she got what she asked for. 

I think I can handle the kind of DD where the HoH says:

"This was what happened, and you know this is not how we want things in our home. I think you will agree that a spanking is warranted."

What I can't understand is the HoH who says:

 "You get over here and put yourself over my knee cos I didn't like what you just did cos I'm the man, and I say so."

I talked with BIKSS over this and his view is that "whatever punishment the sub/wife receives should be as a reminder to do something that is, in the long run, for HER own (or their collective) good. Punishment just because I can would be a sign of me going power-crazy". (See his POV at the end of my post... clearly the man felt a need to address this.)

My view is that when your man suddenly decides to be HoH he shouldn't suddenly be not fun, boring, unable to joke / laugh with you, serious all the time, and always ready to pounce on your behind. I think I would like my HoH to continue to be (if not be MORE) loving, fun-loving, playful, lighthearted and communicative, WHILE holding on to the responsibility of keeping me safe, keeping the family safe, keeping our home running (even if that means tasking me with it, or us agreeing in the beginning that since I'm awesome at it that I'd take care of it) and ensuring that all of us grow to be the best of ourselves we could possibly be. 

And one more thing - a man who baits or says things that are KNOWN triggers merely to prove that his woman is still the weak, unworthy, imperfect person that he's always known she is, is a man who is himself weak, and seeks to put down others in order to feel strong and powerful. This is NOT dominance. This is despicable. 

And that is the end of that topic. 

***************************************

And now a word from BIKSS:~

The topic of abuse has been on our minds for while now. I brought it up to Fondles early in our journey, mainly because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle the submission and might go overboard with the new-found thrill of knowing that MY word was law. 

I have a theory, heretofore unproven , that for some men in companies or organizations where we are in positions where we do not have the deciding powers, suddenly being given the gift of submission can be a heady experience. Unfortunately, like some of us who simply cannot handle our liquor, there will be those of us who will fail to reign in our natural (possibly) instincts to dominate completely with total disregard of the needs of the submissive who loves us. This denies the submissive of the exact thing that her submission was supposed to give her, a responsible man who cares for her well-being, above all else.  

I have to say I was particularly lucky that some of the blogs on Fondles’ blogroll are written by some great Doms. I wouldn’t usually name names but these Doms have been my guides down the path that I hope to follow. For that I am grateful that we had Jake of Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds and Dauntless Vitality of A Dauntless Journey among the first of the blogs written by men on Fondles’ blogroll. The other blogs that came along written by Doms only served to reinforce what these 2 had shown me beforehand. I am grateful to those men as well, for they have brought humour and a greater understanding to our relationship. 

That said, I spend way too much time surfing the net and the strands in the web that I slowly untangle from the different links on each of the blogs Fondles has on her blogroll bring me further and further into the deepest, darkest reaches of the Ethernet. 

These trips sometimes bring me to blogs where my spidey senses start to tingle. They seem innocuous enough but, for someone like me who is usually distrustful of anything that seems too good to be true,  I sometimes come across references that lead me to believe that there are hidden stories. 

Far be it from me to think that in our short journey I have suddenly discovered the book of truth that will miraculously explain and define the answer to every question in the universe and that I have a right to preach to any of you on the topic of how you should properly and correctly lead the lives you lead. 

The problem is that in my travels I see certain stories that seem to indicate abuse in some form or other, although the incidents are usually explained by the writers as instances where they deserved what they got, the spanking (if it was a spanking) turned them on, or it was an eye-opener for them which showed them the error of their ways. 

There are many, many examples but I will highlight only 3 as this post has gone on a wee bit too long. 

I have seen stories which have isolation of the submissive from her friends and family as a punishment. In no way do I think this is healthy and many blogs actually indicate, quite clearly, that the submissive’s support structure is extremely important to her. 

I have read about emotional abuse (real life cases as well as blogs) where the men get involved with single mothers, and ingratiate themselves into relationships with the children to maintain power over the woman. Any act seen as disrespectful or disapproved of on the part of the woman leads to the man threatening to move out, breaking up or an ultimatum of some sort. The woman runs the risk of having her children lose the man in their lives and guilt leads her to cave and let the man do as he pleases, over her better judgment. 

Finally, and most abhorrent of all, are those men who punish their women excessively for indiscretions on a whim. In my humble opinion a man who punishes his submissive (notice I didn’t call them Doms) just because he can, no longer has the right to call himself a man. He has simply become a bully. 

Fondles and I do not practise punishment spanking but I accept that there are many who do and do so in very healthy ways. In my opinion these Doms have found that balance (although they may not call it that) where the welfare of the submissive has become the prevailing factor. Would I consider them bullies? Never. 

I finish by saying this; I wish all of you a safe and healthy relationship, whatever form of D/s you choose to practise. 

Perception or Truth?

When you have a specific set of circumstances in your head, and you hear someone say something, how do you know you're getting the full meaning of what they intended you to receive rather than what you only perceive it to mean?

I'm a Disney child. I grew up with Snow White, Peter Pan and the like. Those of you who are old enough familiar with the early Disney animated movies might remember the song "Never Smile at a Crocodile" from Peter Pan. Well, the person who associates the word "Crocodile" with that song, is definitely going to have a different image in their mind from the one who associates it with the image of a child falling into a crocodile pit that they once saw on a documentary.

Where is this going? I am by no means a prolific writer or celebrated author, nor by any measure do I consider myself more learned than the average, regular English-speaker. Yet the one thing I do take care to do, especially in verbal communication, is think about the words I use and their impact on the listener. This is particularly important for me since I work with children and their parents and that's a whole minefield of easily-offended-sensitivities right there. 

When blogging, I try to use words that 1) adequately convey my meaning; 2) lend nuance and colour to my post; and 3) are suited for my purpose - ie, they can be as specific or as subject to interpretation as I think is appropriate for the story I'm writing. 

When I READ blogs, I sometimes wonder if a word that I catch on to here and there is a subconscious expression of the real situation, or merely careless usage. No, I'm not referring to untidy punctuation, spelling errors or other such grammatical oversights. I'm referring to semantics. 

At first I tried writing down some examples to show you what I mean, but later on I realised that it would just open up a HUGE (and I mean cavernous) can of worms. So I deleted a whole chunk of text. 

Suffice it to say when I hear things like "allowed to have friends" and "he makes a disparaging remark", it automatically sets me off - I start seeing the word 'abuse' poking around in my brain. I don't mean the physical abuse or pain that a sub endures and enjoys because she wants to please her Dom. I mean the kind of mental abuse where the sub feels the need to endure whatever he dishes out, both psychologically and physically, out of FEAR. Fear of displeasing him and having to undergo worse physical pain as a consequence.  

Unlike some of you who write with your morning coffees in hand, this one here usually writes before bed. Often because I want to capture the story of the day's events before I forget it over a good night's slumber, or because I like to read a few posts before I turn off the computer and sometimes I stumble on something that makes me have to write a post about it. And so I'm going to let this sit in my mind for a little bit and sleep on it. For now, that's all I have to say about this. 

Perhaps one day I'll tell you lot the sordid details of my past and you can tell me if it helps to unravel the dysfuntional Blogger that is Fondles.  And now, bed. For this post started in one continent and somehow found its way to another solar system altogether. But I will say this - I sincerely hope that every time I see a post that screams 'Abuse' to me, it's just my schema at work.

[EDIT: Please check out Lil's post over at Submissive Sanctuary on the differences between abuse and BDSM]

Why?

Why can't I call him Master, or Sir, or any of the "generally accepted" forms of address that the rest of these subs out here in TTWD / DD land seem to let tumble so easily from their lips?

Why can't I accept that it's not necessary? BIKSS is happy that I refer to him as BIKSS, and I call him what I currently call him - something we've both agreed I'm not allowed to call anyone else, just him.

Why is it so easy to refer to him as Master when I'm writing? But not in person.

Why do I feel like a failure, despite knowing that he isn't the least bothered by it?

Why is it that I can HEAR it in my head easily enough, but I just can't let it out?

Why can't I let go of trying to find an answer to these questions?

My Submission / His Dominance

Early on I was always stressing cos I felt BIKSS didn't demand my submission as much as I wanted him to. 

I was waiting for him to put on that Dom voice and tell me to do this or that, simply cos he wanted it so. Sure, he did it often enough in the bedroom, but he KNOWS that's not what we're about. I didn't want the submission to be confined to the bedroom, to sex. He knows! I told him! We talked about it plenty! 

If you think that sounded bad, imagine how it sounds to me now. 

It came to a point, not without the help of reading other blogs, where I realised that I was looking at it wrong the whole time. 

Now it's easier to be content with the state of our affair. I have learnt to look at things differently. And if it helps anyone out there who's trying to figure out this bit about what it is that we do, here is what I now know:

Submission is a gift. It is my gift to him. I want to offer it to him, all the time. It is a state of being. And now I can do so because I know there is nothing more important to me than his happiness, his pleasure, his comfort; and so I do whatever I can to ensure that his life is made better and more beautiful by my actions, words and attitude. 

I kneel or sit at his feet when I can, I wear something I think he'll like seeing me in, I offer to bring him food and drink, I touch him and kiss him and let him know he is loved, I lift him up and take pride in his accomplishments at work, I give him the opportunity to be needed for guy-stuff around the house, and often I will ask what he desires of me.

Has he once demanded any of this from me? Never. And yet he approves and enjoys that I do. 

Just as I needed him to understand and accept my way of submission, I needed to understand and accept his way of dominance.

And how do I know he likes what I do? He tells me. 

"I like that you like sitting and kneeling at my feet..." 

That is all the reassurance I need. 

This post was inspired by Mrs. SB's Submission and Kitty's The Art of Submission

============================

P.S. I love the caption to this picture:

“There are times she is kneeling out of obedience, reverence, and respect.
Those are the times it is okay to stand above her.
But when she is kneeling because the weight of the world is just too heavy to bear…
THAT is when You should be kneeling beside her.

A real Master will know the difference.”

And I have no doubt that my Master does.

If We Lived Together...

would there be DD?

or just D/s?

or is this why we call it TTWD?

We chatted about this on Friday night.

We would be domestic. And I suspect there would be discipline in how we both ran our lives and our home. He'd be in charge of some things. I'd be responsible for others. He would want me to always be safe, happy, communicative and open to him. And he would never want me to suffer his neglect or disregard. 

But there would be no disciplining - his words. There would be no spanking for punishment. There would be no punishment. Period. Cos if I did something wrong, I'd be so upset with myself that I'd be apologizing and trying to make it up to him that he wouldn't need to punish me. I'd get a spanking to help me feel better and release all my guilt and then we'd be happy... and have sex. 

If I didn't think I was wrong, but he was mad at me for something I did, then I'd probably try to defend my position until I saw how much he was upset or hurting inside then I'd relent and be all soft and yielding and explain to him that I really hadn't meant to do hurt him, but I'm sorry that he got upset by it anyway and now we'll just be more careful about similar types of situations when they happen and deal with them better in the future. And he'll spank me so he could relieve the stress and I could feel better about the whole thing by being able to offer up my bum, then we'd be happy... and have sex.

And since punishment isn't supposed to end in sex as far as the official DD websites are concerned, I suppose that means we wouldn't be doing any punishing. 

OK, this is going in too many circles in my head. How about we just look at the definition of 'Discipline'?

-to train by instruction and exercise; drill.

-to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

-activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill.

-behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

-punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

Right. So there CAN be discipline without punishment. In that case, I suppose there may be DD after all. But let's just call it something else so that people don't get confused. How about Domestic Responsibility? Yeah. That'll do nicely.