Christina at Red Booty Woman wrote about feeling guilty for leaving her parents in the hospice, for going on a no-family vacation, just to get some time to herself to relax and renew.
The thing is, we ALL have guilt, and as Fiona has said to me before regarding a sticky situation with my parents, it's my Catholic Guilt making me feel lousy.
All I know is that I'm thankful I have someone who'll alleviate all this self-imposed guilt when it becomes too much for me to bear. This is today's story:-
In the spirit of the season, I offered to have this year's end of year-cum-Christmas party for my usual gang from work at my place. I say usual gang cos there are many teachers who float in and out of my centre depending on what day it is. I myself only teach there 3 days a week. So I am only familiar with those people who are there on the same days I am.
It was supposed to be 4 guests and myself, making a total of 5. When invited my branch manager she was so excited she invited another teacher on my behalf... well, ok, 6. I can do 6. This teacher doesn't feel like she wants to exclude her husband from the festivities, so she asked if he could come. Manager answers on my behalf - "sure!" she claps her hands in glee. In my head I'm pulling out the extra chairs from the rooms to make enough seating for all of us now.
Groan. One of the other guests who was previously quite happy to come solo now asks if her boyfriend can come with, since XX is bringing her husband. Well, I couldn't say no... so er, yeah, I said ok. Fine. 8. That's it. No more please!
Now one teacher comes hoppety hopping along back from the ladies' room and asked what we're all so happy about. Girl who now has the green light to bring boyfriend said to her, "Hey you said you couldn't come cos your mum will be in town and you didn't want her to feel excluded, why don't you come and bring her along, after all XX is bringing her husband and I'm bringing my boyfriend!"
She grinned, came up to me and gave me a hug and said, "That's so nice of you! I'll bring dessert."
Then someone else said they'd bring drinks (of the soda variety, not the alcoholic kind!) and another one said they'd bring snacks.
Um hello - I'm buying the roast chicken. And XX offered a potato salad. But surely we can't all be having just that for food? Then it's one excuse after another why each of them couldn't contribute real food. THey were coming from church, there was not where to buy take-out along the way, they didn't have a proper kitchen to cook in cos they're renting a place currently (foreigners) etc etc.
I told BIKSS I felt like cancelling cos I was pissed at how it spiraled out of control. Not to mention I can't accommodate that many ("Oh, don't worry, we'll manage - we can squeeze") and we probably won't have enough food ("It's ok, you can make awesome pasta right? and we don't need a lot of food, we're small eaters") AND I don't even know 3 of the people who'll be there in my HOME and I don't even LIKE at least 2 of those who are coming. (One of them got invited out of courtesy cos she happens to work there - but heck, it was just ONE so I thought I shouldn't leave her out.)
BIKSS said just act happy for a week, then tell them I've got relatives coming in from out of town and I'm sorry but I have to cancel cos I have to entertain them and attend some huge big extended family Christmas dinner. Which isn't altogether a lie... my German relatives will be flying in on the 27th!
When I asked him if I was being a horrid person for doing this, his reply was "If the fun has been taken out of the event by inconsiderate folks, what's it worth?"
And just like that I have a smile on my face again.
Now what do I do with that roast chicken and meatloaf that I've ordered (and paid for) from the deli?
I would totally stress out too, but I think BIKSS is right, its the perfect solution. I hate when people just invite themselves and their mothers over...
ReplyDeleteLiterally!
DeleteIt was like the situation just spiraled out of control and I wasn't able to think fast enough to stop it!
Which then makes me feel a little like I was at fault. But I know that's not accurate. So I shall stop thinking that way. Heh.
Oh wow....I am sure you were stressing out! A small gathering turns into double what you expected! Now that you will have all of that food, you and BIKSS could have your own little party....just the two of you:)
ReplyDeleteSo happy that you have a smile on your face again:)
Belle:)
Uh huh I think I'm just gonna invite some of my OWN friends over, maybe grab the godsons, or have a special me-and-BIKSS party. That sounds like a splendid idea! Thanks!
DeleteOh, wow. I hate it when people find excuses not to bring "real" food to a gathering. Argh. And the multiple invitations that weren't extended by you!
ReplyDeleteARGH!
You should totally cancel and totally not feel like a bad person.
Right??
DeleteThank you dear Lady Conina!
Jolly good man to take care of you like that!! :-D I hate it when small parties spiral out of control. I have often backed out of other peoples' events with shallow excuses, but I'd feel too guilty to cancel my own. And I'd be sad, but if it is BETTER for you to not have it then by all means cancel!! :)
ReplyDeleteOr just be brutally honest and say that you only have space and food for 6, so you're really really sorry, but you can't do it. And if someone else pops up and offers to host so be it. ;-)
Some of them have come to my place before and so they probably feel warranted in saying it's ok they'll squeeze. It's not about MY preference you see, it's all about them! Grrr.
DeleteWow Fondles, I would be strung out too! so inconsiderate of people to 'invite' others on your behalf, and to make excuses for not brining food.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Young Lady, be honest and just tell them it's got too big for you to host thanks to their own actions and ask if anyone else has the room. If someone else offers and the party goes ahead, that's the solution for the food you have ordered too.
Since there were excuses for not bringing food, perhaps some of them may contribute to the cost of the food you ordered as well? ... just a thought.
Hugs
Roz
It's not going to be possible to find another location cos there is ONLY one other local person in the mix. The others are foreigners working here. And so they don't have the space to host. Most rent a room or share with other roomies to rent a small apartment.
DeleteI actually hinted about the cost of the food and sharing, when someone mentioned the pasta. And they all just pretended not to hear.
I think it's time you visited http://www.etiquettehell.com/ to learn how to use your spine and say No, politely. You do not have to accommodate anyone you didn't invite yourself, period.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know it's hard, and you'll feel rude the first couple of times you say no, but you are not the rude one. It's rude for guests to invite others, it's rude for people to tell you what you can or can't do in your own home.
You could still tell everyone that only people you've invited personally are welcome, that you planned a small gathering and that is all you're offering.
As for people bringing food: I think that the host(s) should provide that. *shrug*
But you don't have to extend your hospitality because other people say so!
Hugs, Julia
Hi I'll go see the website when I have a little more time.
DeleteAs for the food, if it's something I'm celebrating and I'm inviting people to come and eat, then yes, I'd agree with you in providing the food. Even then, tho, in our culture it's only polite that we bring something edible over to add on to the communal table.
However in this instance, I was kinda offering to host because no one else had a venue and everyone was feeling kinda dejected that there was to be no Christmas party. It was already decided right from the beginning (at the 5 people stage) that it was going to be a pot-luck. SO you can understand now why I'm annoyed that other people thought it ok to add guests but not food.
And even if I WERE providing the food, then I'd only be obligated to provide food for the 5 of us. And the original idea of a roast chicken with mushroom stuffing and meatloaf, plus bread, dessert and drinks would have covered it. (I didn't mention the bread before cos that's not a dish, it's just something I always have on my table.)
But providing for 5 and providing for 10 are very different things. And the only extra food to be gotten from this double up is a potato salad.
So, yeah. I'm just gonna cancel it. TYVM
Aren't cultural differences wonderful learning opportunities?
DeleteIn the Netherlands we don't do pot lucks, unless it's something like an (informal) work (lunch) celebration, and I've only had 2 of them in my whole life.
Of course if the original invitation mentioned it'd be a pot luck, you're in the clear on that front. You didn't change anything, your *guests* did.
They are inconsiderate, and you don't need to be a doormat. So do what you want: go back to the original plans or cancel, and you can tell them why. It seems they need a bit of education concerning hospitality. It's not on you, it's on them.
Hugs, Julia
Wooops, I see. Here it's typically pot-luck unless someone's celebrating something like a Birthday, or an Engagement or a Promotion.
DeleteWe don't do house parties often, in any case, celebrations and invites are given and held at other places in these cases - like a restaurant, bar, cafe.
So when there's an at-home gathering, it's non uncommon for a guest to automatically ask what they should bring...
2 pot-lucks in your life? Wow. I have two in a month!
Thanks for clearing that up! Who knew!
Yup, this would be frustrating! I don't even think you need to make up excuses for canceling. It got too big for your place, too much food to provide for double the people...can't happen this year. You'll give folks something to think about and if you want to try again next year, it will need to look different. LOL, educating the educated. You shouldn't have to do it, but so be it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support! Yeah, I think it just got out of hand real quick. And it's not like I could have pulled her aside and said, ok now STOP. Cos one after another people just congregated out there in the reception area and started all discussing at the same time. It was a nightmare unfolding in front of my very eyes!
DeleteFondles,
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling.
Personally I would be happy to entertain and feed a lot of people, but I like to be the one who is sending out the invitations to my own house.
I very much dislike the idea that I'm being used, because then I feel like being abused.
It is the automatism, that makes people think that they can invite themselves to my hospitality, and that of course I am so happy with their coming, that I am of course happy to pay for everything, that makes me hesitant to throw parties.
That I have done something like that in the past, does not make it my solemn duty for years to come.
I would totally cancel.
Hugs,
Bas
Oh i think that's it exactly! If i wanna pay for your food and drink, that should be MY choice. Not someone else's, and definitely NOT YOURS.
DeleteThanks for stating it so clearly!
Oh that catholic school guilt...I know it oh so well! They took over your gracious invite...don't feel guilty canceling...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thanks. I'm feeling LESS and LESS guilty as the comments come rolling in! LOL
DeleteYou know what? I think I would go ahead and have the party, but try to control it somehow and get people to bring somethings.
ReplyDeleteSend out invitations to everyone saying party at my house, 6-8 pm, no gifts please, just bring a bottle of wine AND your favourite dessert or side dish.
:)
it'll be futile I tell you. some of them are very anti-alcohol (altho I think if I had some wine - read, a lot - I might feel better about the whole thing). And besides, my heart's not in it anymore.
DeleteI really don't have enough space around my table for 10 people. I live in a tiny apartment about 1000 sq feet. My dining table shares the same space as my living room.
'Nuff said. But your suggestion might have been workable if it wasn't THIS particular group of people. I can see how if the dynamics of the group were different it might have been do-able.
On the good side they felt comfortable enough with you, to extend the invitation beyond what is proper!
ReplyDeleteOh my, I certainly understand the Catholic guilt.It is difficult but a good thing you were able to fix the situation.
I think it was just having different backgrounds and not understanding that in the country where I (and now, they) live, things don't happen this way. Having said that tho, the girl who went ahead and invited everyone and their mother? She's been living here for more than 10 years... I'm sure she's figured out the common etiquette in this part of the world by now.
DeleteAnyway.. i have a PLAN to fix the situation. I haven't exactly FIXED it yet!
Catholic school guilt, I am very familiar with it. I hope it all works out for you. For me, a good spanking cures the feelings of guilt.
ReplyDeleteHug,
joey
Ah, I shall have to ask BIKSS to get home and see to that post-haste.
DeleteUnfortunately that will be a while yet...
Hey I would happily offer to help out with making it disappear, lol. Sorry things got out of control but I think he is right. Enjoy the family that is coming in for the holidays though. hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sentiment. That's another sticky situation tho. Sigh. Why is Christmas so trying? It was a much happier time of year when I was younger. It seems the older I get, the more I view it with a sense of dread.
DeletePerhaps I shall just crawl into bed for 7 days and don't come out till 2013. ;)
Absolutely cancel, BIKSS has come up with a plausable and truthful enough scenario, methinks!
ReplyDeleteAnd the food? If you don't want to use it yourself, offer it to the relocated gathering as your contribution in your absence. Then they absolutely can't get grumpy with you!
That's a wonderful idea, assuming someone else takes over the hosting.
DeleteIf not, I'll share it with my family - My sister's household is 4 persons, if I take it to her place, it'll be just the number of people it was meant to feed.
Why not say the truth? You're able to host, comfortably, 5 people but you have a small home and it will be so crowded that no one will have a place to sit down. Then, while you cancel according to BIKSS' idea, you can casually suggest that instead of going to your home maybe everyone could meet up at a restaurant...where everyone will pay for his or her own food.
ReplyDeleteThat way if they say "no, thanks" you've still made a reasonable offer. It may be that no one cooks or they just don't like to cook?
It sounds great in theory, but there's a little bit of background. The few who have come to my place once or twice before are eager to hang out here again. They're far from home at Christmas-time, which isn't really that big a deal cos in their culture they don't really celebrate it. But they wanted to get into the spirit of things and celebrate cos everyone else is doing the Christmas thing. I was merely providing them with a venue and an opportunity to HAVE a Christmas party.
DeleteSo if I were to cancel and say I can't make it, it is highly unlikely they'd go somewhere else and have it.
(I realise this may not make much sense without knowing the full story.. but yeah... ok, that's all I've got for you at this point.)