The Verdict - and Be Careful How You Step

I'm still up at 3am cos this is week 2 of being homebound. I've been watching movies. And even tho I've been having to wake up at 6am on weekdays for the last 9.5 years to go to work, I'm still a night owl when left to my own devices. 

I have an interview with a school tomorrow, and another on Saturday. I have never wanted a job so badly. I don't know if it's because this is the first time that I've had to change jobs since my parents have been gone, and therefore I feel as though I've lost some kind of emotional safety net (altho to be honest I doubt they've been 'present' for a while even when they were still alive...), or whether it's because it's been a while since I've wanted to leave a job becuase it was causing me real anxiety/depression. 

There's a thing called anxiety-induced shakes - 

An anxiety-induced shake is an involuntary trembling or quivering of the muscles. It happens when stress triggers a rush of adrenaline and cortisol through your body. This "fight-or-flight" response primes your muscles for quick physical action, which can show up as shaking hands or internal vibrations.

Why It Happens-

Adrenaline Surge: Stress hormones flood your system to give you fast energy.
Muscle Tension: Muscles tighten up to get ready to run or fight, leading to tremors.
Nervous System Overload: Your sympathetic nervous system stays on high alert.

And that's how I know if I don't get out fast I'm going to be headed for my 4th episode - and I definitely do NOT want that. 

I've talked to my boss. He's no help. 

The good thing is that I've been to see my physiotherapist who was shocked that I was expected back at work this coming Monday. He was very adamant about NOT commuting on the bus because he's convinced it's going to aggravate the tear and then I'd be in even worse shape than I'm in now. 

So he sent me off with a note. I've told the boss that I'm not coming in NEXT week as well. 

He asked if I have enough medical leave to cover so many days off work. (Which I am not pleased about because my gawd I took ZERO sick days the last 2 years and can't he just make an exception? FFS, if anyone can tell Human Resources to overlook the ONE extra day I'll need, HE can!)

Anyway, I told him I'll just take that last day as unpaid leave. But that really does tell me after all this time, no matter how he's always said he needs me around (he's teased me multiple times - "don't leeeeave me!") when push comes to shove, I'm just a number on their corporate spreadsheet. 

But this also means whatever trace amount of guilt I felt at having to take a third week off work is now completely obliterated. 

He texted me to update me about the replacement staff who would be coming in to cover my shifts, she's been there last week and this week, and he asked if I'd already informed her about next week. I said no, but since he would be seeing her at work today, he can just tell her. So his update to me this evening was that she'd be ok to cover next week's shifts, but "she looked disappointed that she had to work another week". 

What did he expect me to say to that? Whatever it was, it wasn't happening. I sent him back a "K". 

1) She could have said no. 
2) If they need to find someone else that's their problem not mine. They'll just have to arrange for someone from the main branch to come over. 
3) I'm not coming back to work against medical advice just because she's not keen on taking on another week of adjunct work. 

And I'm not going to feel bad about any of this because it's not on me. 

Oh, and the verdict - 

It definitely IS a tear in the gastrocnemius muscle - likely a 50-60% (grade 2) tear in the belly of the medial head, unlikely to be the myotendinous junction, thank goodness, and the Achilles tendon itself is unaffected. There was some greenish / yellowish bruising along the medial tibial region, and medial malleolus -aka inner ankle bone. It wasn't there in the beginning and really only started showing up 2 days ago. This dependent ecchymosis seems to be a good thing, as the colour indicates that it's in the healing phase. 

Here's the explanation according to google's AI assistant : 

The Greenish Colour: This is a great sign that your body is actively healing. When blood pools under the skin, it starts out dark red or purple. After a few days, your body's immune cells break down the dead red blood cells (specifically the hemoglobin). This chemical breakdown changes the color to biliverdin (which looks green) and hemosiderin (which looks yellow or brown).

How It Works (The Gravity Effect): When you experience a significant internal injury—such as your 50-60% medial gastrocnemius tear—a substantial amount of bleeding occurs deep inside the muscle. Instead of rising straight up to the skin at the calf, the liquid blood follows the path of least resistance. Driven by gravity, it seeps downward through the spaces between muscles and connective tissues (fascial planes). It only becomes visible as a bruise once it settles close to the skin surface in a lower, "dependent" area—in your case, along the inner side of your shin bone and eventually down toward your ankle.

 

And so I have bought myself (or my torn calf muscle has) some time to get down to the business of finding a job. As soon as I get a positive response from one of the places I've applied to, I'm gonna get on the phone with HR and tell them I'm not coming back to work and "due to medical reasons" will be submitting my resignation with immediate notice. I'm likely going to have to pay them some money in lieu of the notice period, but with the leg the way it is, and my physio banning me from using any steps / ladders / stools and/or tiptoeing for the next 2 months, how am I supposed to be any use at work when that's an integral part of my day to day anyway? 

Bah, I just want this whole thing to be settled one way or the other. I really dislike having things up in the air. 

It is likely I tore my muscle climbing up because my heel was OFF the stool. So all the weight was on the ball of my foot, the ankle had space to flex, and the knee was straightened as I reached up and lifted the other leg off the floor. Those of you who climb the stairs with only the balls of your feet making contact... PLEASE take note of your knee position - keep 'em bent if you have to. Cos I know not all steps are made deep enough for us big-footed persons!