What Just Happened?

I met BIKSS and gave him a couple of rescued angry bird stuffies to add to the two already in his car. I kept Chuck (yellow one) for myself. It's looking at me judgingly from its vantage point atop a note block right now as I'm typing on the lappy.

We drove off to dinner, happy that the bird heads have a new home. They were gonna get tossed out so I told my friend I'd take them. Then I sprayed acohol on them and wiped them down with a damp cloth then I dry-cleaned them on a high heat setting in my dryer. (Thank you Woolite!)

Dinner was at a little out of the way place that we found a while ago. It's in the middle of an industrial area and after work hours it's bluddy deserted. It's also not easily accessible by public transport and there are NO malls or residential estates nearby, so you can imagine the restaurant is close to deserted at dinner time. 

We had their Crackling Pork Belly top left (melts in your mouth, skin was super crispy, served with mustard which is not how Asians usually do it - it's very likely a leftover from when we were under British rule), Prawn Cakes bottom middle - fluffy and tasty on the inside, lightly breaded and crispy on the outside, Ngoh Hiang bottom left which is a bunch of meat (and sometimes liver) cooked in 5 spice seasoning and wrapped in beancurd skin then fried, and because one of the veggies didn't turn out right they swapped that dish out for some chicken wings top right. 

(That's one of the blues sitting in the back of BIKSS' car)

And now we come to the point of this evening's post. See that bowl of pickled red cabbage with the wings? 

It's delicious. I was munching on the stuff like there was no tomorrow and then I dropped a strand. When I looked down I noticed it hadn't fallen on the floor, but landed on my sandal strap instead.

I gleefully picked it up and stuck it in front of BIKSS' face saying "Do you think I ..." and I meant to say ... I could eat this since it didn't fall on the floor? But BIKSS said YES, throw it away before I could finish my sentence.

Now, evidently he thought I was gonna ask if I should chuck it. But when he said YES I moved it towards my mouth. And then we both realised what had happened. 

I tried explaining that it hadn't fallen on the floor, that it was on my strap, that it wasn't even on the toe or front strap, but on the ankle strap, and that was relatively clean right? And he kept saying, "Put it down, throw it away. Now. Put it down. You're not eating that." 

"Why? But it didn't fall onto the floor!" 

"I know, throw it out. You're not eating that. Chuck it out."

"It fell on my strap! Isn't that ok? Why is that bad?"

"It's dirty, throw it away."

"But why? Tell me why..."

"Five... four.... three..."

"I'll throw it away but you have to tell me why... "

"Two..."

"OK OK! But you have to explain it!"

He hasn't had to countdown in a LONG LONG TIME. 

I managed to get him down to ONE before I finally dropped it on my plate. 

And then I said, "There, I chucked it. But you have to explain why it's not OK to eat it!"

"Cos when you walk you kick up lots of sand and shit and you don't know what lands up on your shoe straps, yes even ankle straps, and so you're not putting that in your mouth."

"Mm, ok. I hadn't thought of that. I accept your explanation." 

Then I picked up another one and continued snacking on my pickled cabbage strips. 

The thing is, it amused me that he was so worried I was gonna put it in my mouth. And he'd be right. I'm strange that way, I'm told. I totally would have :D

Scoop Wholefoods And BIKSS Swoops Whole Crabs

The one TINY spark of ttwd (that I'm not putting in caps because it's just so tiny) that surfaced recently happened yesterday. But first, the story.

I was waiting for BIKSS to get done with a client meeting and had gone to wander around a nearby mall. I picked up some mixed chocolate covered macadamia balls from Scoop (overpriced, if you ask me) and a bunch of yoghurt covered apricot + almond nuggets (those squarish shaped things). This bottle (plus 5 balls and 3 nuggets) cost me about US$12.50. And they're not even as awesome as some of the chocolate treats I got when I was in Sydney or Perth. On the tub it says things like "A staple of Australian chocolate shops" and "An Australian best-seller". Pffft. I don't think so. 

(Coaster for size reference)

While there I saw this and thought it was funny. Balls would have been fine. But calling them BLISS balls, that tickled me somewhere in my brain. At US$2 a ball, I didn't bother buying one to try.

So anyway BIKSS got done and texted me to head back to the appointed pick-up point. As I was waiting for him to get there he sent me a text. Remember how we said we were going to try new places depending on what the food-discount app threw at us based on our location? So earlier he had suggested eating at the Halal Chinese Fusion restaurant we'd been to a few times before, and I reminded him of our try-new-places plan. He agreed. 

So that text I got? It said "U looking where to go?"

Oops. Me : "I am *NOW*"

BIKSS : "Gd Girl 😍"

Now sometimes he makes the plan, when he has time to much about in the office while I'm running around dealing with mother issues, but seeing as how I had an hour on the train doing nothing, and another 20 mins to kill buying chocolates, and lots more waiting time in between this and that, it didn't seem fair that he should also be the one searching while driving to come get me! 

We ended up at a really old, NOT fancy hotel that reminded us of the place across the border that we used to drive to for mooncakes and Chinese New Year treats,  and I laughed and said - hey, since we can't travel due to this wretched Covid thing, at least we can PRETEND we're in another country! 

He agreed that it did have a very, um, old and rustic feel lol. 

So, it was an actual buffet this time, not a semi one, but instead of helping yourself to the food, you tell the servers behind the counter what you would like and they heap it onto a plate for you. 

Sorry Roz, look away, it's gonna be all about seafood from here on. 

I don't often have crawfish, but this black pepper sauce was pretty yummy. Pity the effort to returns ratio for eating crawfish is so NOT in favour of the returns. BIKSS peeled a couple for me and I gave up after that. 

Crabcake sliders. We ate the insides, and left the outsides. When we went back for seconds we asked the kind lady if she could forget about the bread and just give us the crabcakes. She obliged, and we were happy. 

That's crab in some kind of curry-type gravy that I wasn't a huge fan of. BIKSS had a total of maybe 4 of those servings. Maybe 2 whole crabs in all. He really enjoyed his dinner. 

We also had salmon sashimi, a salad, some sushi (by some I mean a piece each lol), some roast beef with a side of pumpkin and potatoes, I tried a bite of his lamb, and he went on to have some mushroom soup, crab soup, roast duck, and pork knuckle. Dessert was a slice of durian swissroll each, and I had a bit of chocolate fudge cake while he had the cheesecake and a bowl of hot barley with gingko nut.

I only realised when we finished dinner and were getting back into the car that I had totally failed to take any more photos after the crabs. So you will all be spared pics of raw fish, roasted meats and sweet treats! 

I am officially declaring all our meals from now till the end of the year Christmas dinners! Yes I've decided that BIKSS and I shall enjoy our infrequent dinners as much as we can since Covid and mum's condition have pretty much stolen everything else from us! 

My mood pic today ~ 

Mulling - The Friday Sex Talk (and a Reminder Spanking!)

**ULTRA LONG POST ADVISORY**

We went out to dinner last night, and after a lovely meal in a quiet-ish corner of the restaurant where I ate too much I told him I realised that when I get busy and don't have time for myself (running around with errands, taking mum to check-ups, dealing with admin / mail, sorting through old photographs - another bag arrived!) it's not so much that I can't do the things I want to do, but more a case of not being able to sit with myself and mull over things. 

"I'm definitely NOT a muller," he said to me. 

Which led to a lovely exploring-each-others'-brains type of conversation in the car. I love those types of chats. 

Eventually we got to talking about how I'm the MOST turned on and tingly when he does something that asserts his power. Mostly in the bedroom, but in reality, anytime he does a Daddy type thing that pulls me back or reminds me of my place I get a bit warm and fuzzy in my belly. 

Turns out I would get more than I bargained for tonight.

Dinner was at the quiet resort-atmosphere-esque restaurant where we celebrated both our birthdays. We tried a traditional Indonesian dish of Tahu Telor, but with a local twist - a Malay spicy soy sauce instead of the usual sweet version. It was so huge. Thankfully the bottom half was all fluffly deep fried egg white!

(We had them take the dish back and sauté the prawns cos it came cold, even tho the waiter reassured us it was served warm - I can't handle cold prawns... gives me the runs! After that it was fantastic.)

With the spicy soy sauce drizzled over.

Fried chicken wings with kicap (kee-chup) manis (mah-nis) - a spicy, thick, syrupy, sweet soy sauce popular in Malay / Indonesian kitchens - comp-ed, as per their usual custom.

Salmon lemongrass - BIKSS is particularly fond of fish - and rather a stickler for having it done properly. So far he has had only good things to say about the fish mains we've had at this chain.

Instead of cake, we ordered (and paid for) a cempedak crumble. I think it might have been the best dessert I've eaten at this chain of restaurants so far. Mayhaps the overdose of free cakes might have something to do with that. I don't know how to describe cempedak to you except to say it's related to the jackfruit, but the flesh is a creamier and more fibrous texture. It's a very rich flavour, even pungent, but very sweet. 

As BIKSS prefers cake to crumble, and me the reverse, we had a difference of opinion regarding which was the better dessert! LOL. (They did still give us two slices to take home with us, and this time he took them home cos I was just up to my eyeballs in cake by now.)

When we were safely hidden away in the room, I began to undress, letting the spaghetti strap of my dress fall off my shoulder. 

"I like how that's coming off you," he remarked. And came over to assist. Soon I was in my lace panties and nothing else, sitting on the bed and facing his crotch. He undid his jeans and freed Roger from his shorts. I immediately began sucking. 

As we had been discussing how power and dominance turns me on earlier, he took the opportunity to ramp up his Daddy Dom game. Gentle caresses were abandoned in favour of sudden nipple pinches. Hair stroking for neck grabbing. Kissing for slaps across my cheek. 

My legs were spread and held open, his fingers playing with my clit, then pussy. And one finger found its way into my bum hole. I mean, yes, I had been thinking about it recently, but most of the time he'll check with me if I'm having a 'good' bum day. 

Not this night tho. 

After some time of being lost in the sensations down below he asked me if he thought I could handle Roger. I said yes. And he got the lube. 

Anal sex isn't pleasurable for me physically. It doesn't hurt if I'm in a receptive enough state. But it's nowhere near pleasurable. More like tolerable. I do it because it's the one thing I can offer him that isn't "good" or "okay" or "neutral" to me. It's a bit to the left of neutral, creeping into the "dislike" zone. 

And when I'm giving him something I don't like, that makes me feel very submissive. 

After cleaning up we talked about the spectrum of our sexual encounters, from plain ol' / simple all the way to phenomenal, and where our different adventures lie on a scale of 0 to 10. 

We also talked about what was something that I "didn't like" that I could offer as a form of submission, on par with the act of offering anal, but that would still let him fuck pussy instead of butt (cos he still prefers that, in terms of physical sensations). Somehow topics like threesomes and 2-couple/partner-swapping sex came up and as he presented these scenarios to me he started fiddling with me again. 

When we had sex this time around it seemed like he might not cum, having had one quite soon before, but when I proposed my own scenario... 

"What if you were watching someone else fuck me the way you are now... seeing his cock thrusting into my pussy like that..."

...he stuck his thumb in my mouth and I sucked it hard.

He countered with "Maybe I won't be just watching, I would fuck your mouth, and you would suck on Roger just like that." (BTW, dirty talk isn't something we do often, I feel kinda strange doing it TBH... but it felt right at that point.)

That must have done something for him cos he came, sweaty and panting after prolonged exertion. 

We talked about why it wouldn't be possible for me to enjoy something like that tho'. The conclusion I came to was that I wouldn't be able to manage switching between little (which I reserve ONLY for BIKSS) and controlling bitch (which is how I've always been with all other sex partners). And that would cause a problem because I refuse to be a sub for another man, but it's not as if I can be domineering and such to a fella my Dom is directing me to fuck right? And even if he said I could be as sassy and dommy as I wanted, it would be weird being that way in bed with the fella while still taking instruction (as a little) from Daddy who's watching from the sidelines, no?

As he mm-hmm-ed his agreement with my analysis, BIKSS turned on his side and reached for my pussy. Without thinking (possibly cos part of my brain was in bitch mode) I swatted his hand away. And not in that playful Don't, Daddy way either. He told me later he was rather taken aback that I did that. He reacted by smacking my inner thigh immediately with a pretty stern "What was that?" I did say "Sorry Daddy", but I think it was an automatic reflex. I don't think anything was registering in my brain. I sure as hell didn't MEAN it.

Then he smacked me again. "Hm? What was that? Swatting my hand away?"  If he had left it there - which he said he actually thought was enough to jolt me back to the present - I think I would have started a fight cos I was still in default sass-bitch headspace. But he didn't. He pushed my legs apart and held my face in place with the arm that was under me, then continued smacking my inner thighs, alternating between sides, sometimes doubling up on the same side, just to keep me guessing, I suppose. 

In the calmest, smoothest voice he spoke into my ear. "Someone's forgotten her place, hm? You're Daddy's little girl, don't you forget it. You don't swat my hand away. What was that about? Daddy's girl doesn't do that. Right? No. She doesn't slap my hand away when I reach for her."

All through his litany he was smacking. And finally I felt it. And it hurt! Funny I didn't feel it till now. The sting was coming through, breaking into my thoughts and consciousness. I realised *then* what I had done. But it wasn't till he was almost at the end of the smacking that I apologised again. And meant it this time. 

(He did say a large part of the continuation after the first two smacks was just going along with the scene, but that maybe 10-20% of it was genuine "chastisement". I told him it was a good thing he went on.  If I were to hazard a guess I don't think BIKSS was aware of just how serious/significant that little episode was to me until I told him either.) 

When he was done spanking me I put my legs together and turned towards him, burying my face in his chest. He held me and comforted me. I didn't know what had come over me, but that spanking was definitely a good call. My thighs continued stinging for some time after that, let me tell you.

Earlier in the evening I had asked if we could play with the cane... he said yes but instead of doing so BEFORE the sex, it seems he intended that our cane session would come at the end. Cos he wanted to do that NOW. 

"Ready for your cane?"

Looking up at him, I shook my head, no. 

"4 stripes." 

"Wait wait wait!" 

He chortled.

"Why are you laughing Daddy?"

"Cos you suddenly sounded so desperate and alarmed."

That's when I said "I think I'm feeling a bit fragile about what just happened to play with the cane right now. What was that about, the smacking my inner thighs?" 

"A reminder. Reset. You were lost in your old self. It wasn't a punishment. I just needed to pull you back." 

"I know. But that's cos you were talking about having me be with other people, and you know how I used to be with the others ...  so it's your fault!" 

"It is. And I will accept the blame for that."

And he kissed me and rubbed my back, and held me tight some more. We talked and I said all the things I needed to say and asked all the things I needed to ask. When I was eventually done working out what happened, I thanked him for the spanking. He checked if I was feeling ok. Yes, I said. 

"I think you can get the cane now, I could do with a proper reset."

He got up to get it as I turned over to lie on my front. 

Tap tap tap tap Swish... and it went on like that till he had gotten in the 4 strokes he had promised. Then he said "6."

So he continued the tappety taps with intermittent proper swishes in between till he reached the number he wanted.

Then he stopped. And he came to lie down and hold me tight. 

Later, as he was about to get up to get dressed he picked up the cane again, it had been placed beside me so his hand found it easily enough, and proceeded to swat my inner thighs with it. 

It wasn't a spanking session per se, we were just experimenting with it. It felt really good. And probably way more efficient than a traditional ass spanking, imho. I get an ouchier (and more lingering) sting from a much lighter stroke on my thigh than from a heavier one on my butt.

"You know, of all the toys, the cane really IS my favourite." 

My mood pic today ~

Rules, Rituals, Protocols... Let's Call the Whole Thing... TTWD

It has been too many years since we had an actual discussion about our roles and why we do the thing we do, what it means to us, how our actions translate to meaning in our heads. 

I am glad that after just a day of exploring this topic I'm less muddled than I was yesterday.  

When I read BDSM or D/s websites about rules and rituals my thoughts yoyo from "that's unnecessary and obvious" to "he wants her to do WHAT now? That's WAY out!" 

But I also recognise that there is no one size fits all when it comes to TTWD, and what works for some won't work for others. And what works for us is also always changing... or something we propose doesn't 'take'... till later on, or never.  LOL

What are you saying, girl?

I'm sorry, as is often the case I try to gather my thoughts WHILE I'm writing and sometimes it doesn't bode well for the reader. 

So we now have plan, and it may be because life situations are different, or experiences have been had, or years have passed, but as I said to BIKSS, maybe it just took me 9 years to be ready for Daddy Rules (and rituals, and protocols, and commands... and whatever else you may call them). 

The Good Morning Text (Recently resurrected)

What does the morning text do for us? It reinforces our roles, and it makes him happy to see my messages waiting for him when he wakes up. (He looks forward to seeing it every morning -first thing he checks, he says.) It puts me in a more tethered space, and helps me focus on US because a lot of the time after a long period of not seeing each other my brain goes off on a tangent and I start to doubt and worry and, well... you know what I mean. Knowing that I'm doing something that pleases him reassures me in some kind of reverse psychology way that he's still keen on me, on us. 

It lets him know that I'm up and about - this is possibly more relevant on weekends as I sometimes REALLY sleep in. Plus - it immediately lets him know if anything is up with me - eg. if I didn't wake up on time, was I unwell? Or if I was feeling under the weather or needed to get to a doctor this would be a good time to let him know and he would have gotten a heads up early in the day.  

The Good Night Text (never explicitly talked about because it came about very organically)

We use our own special made up word and the exchange follows a pretty standard 'form' with stickers and emojis... and our final sign off is the same without fail every single night. I must say, I do love our goodnight ritual.

Kiss Daddy's Hand (Already in place)

Whenever he comes by to pick me up, I get into the car and kiss his hand. It started out as a way to greet him, affectionately, since it's not always possible to lean over and kiss him properly as he's driving off. Of course, if the car is still stationary after I'm belted up then I DO kiss him on the lips. But I enjoy kissing his hand. For him, it's a sign of my affection, an emotional connection. 

For me, it's reverence. His hand is the seat of his power. It spanks me, holds me, comforts me, peels away my layers, supports me and protects my heart. His hand, to me, is all of him. All that he does, and all that he is to me.

Report all cums and Send a pic as far as possible (Recently resurrected)

Why? Cos he can. It's ownership, he says. Cos he wants to know when I play with his pussy. Even tho he's not physically present when I masturbate, he wants to know he's part of the process since I will be thinking of him when I take a pic and also when I'm reporting it after. But we did agree that the pic isn't compulsory. 

And when will it NOT be possible? LOL. I'm glad I negotiated this bit, and quite elegantly IMO, as I have been known to be desperate enough to employ a water spray at my workplace loo to satisfy a craving. And when it's the time of the month and I don't want to dirty my toys, the shower is a wonderful place to get myself off - I have a shower head with an adjustable spray. The perfect clean-as-you-cum system! These would not be opportune times to take a picture as I am quite paranoid of dropping my phone into inconvenient wet zones, if you know what I mean.

Oh, also, he says cos he's pervy and he enjoys seeing pics of my pussy.

This one seems to be all for him. What do I get out of it? Knowing that I'm submitting to his desires. And that's good enough for me. 

(In the same vein, I will also report / send a pic each time I play with an insertable ie. plug or dildo.)

Single-word-commands (Already in place) 

These have been around since the dawn of time and are instinctive and automatic. I don't think, I just do. 

Spread (legs, obviously... in bed, in the car, wherever, and whenever)

Present (all fours, head down, arms stretched above my head... in private only)

Strip (self-explanatory)

Turn (usually from a supine to prone position if we're in bed, but sometimes after a shower so that he can dry my hair *giggle*)

Kneel (is it blowjob time??? Hurray!)

As far as submission goes, the single-word-command has pride of place for me. It never fails to remind me of our roles. 

My mood pic today ~

Rituals

Come one come all. Tell me what your rituals are. If they are situation-specific, or if you have daily fixed-time ones. 

BIKSS reminded me that in the past we had agreed that I would text him first thing in the morning when I woke up. Somehow I'd forgotten (obviously I don't always do this... hence, the 'forgotten' part) and often I find myself - being not a natural early riser - scuttling out of bed in a stupor and barely making it to the bathroom for a shower before my brain is even half awake. Usually I get thru my morning routine on autopilot, barely registering anything before I groggily get some coffee into me. 

By the time I have half a clue what's going on around me I'm out the door and brisk-walking to catch the bus. During said walk I check my bus app and if I have to rush then it's a half-run to make it up the "arriving soon" bus. But if I have a few minutes before it gets to me THEN I flick open my chat app as I stroll to my bus stop and wish him good morning. Or else I'm on the bus by the time I get round to doing so. Sometimes I'm there first, at other times, there's a message from BIKSS already waiting for me. 

It sounds terribly dawdle-y of me, I know. And he's been really sweet about not bringing this up. Till I asked about rituals. (Hence the reminder...) He recognises that I'm not a morning person AND also that with having the mother here, my time is not always all my own. 

Still, I can totally do this, you know. If I flip my app open while I'm still IN bed I can definitely get that Good Morning thru to him before I even get OUT of bed and start my autopilot morning routine. 

While chatting this afternoon he reminded me about another. When I was lamenting 'bout how it was that I don't remember this good morning thing...  "Remember telling me every time u had a cum" he said. 

Oops. That one I DO remember. And over time I felt like it didn't matter... or that he wasn't interested... 

It used to be that every cum was announced, and accompanied by a pic. 

I just figured it would get boring for him to see the same photo again and again, and sometimes all I wanted was a quick get-off yanno? Having to send a pic felt like I had to make special effort to change angles, use a different toy, find a new position... blah blah. 

We're heading out to exercise (walk) later... and I should definitely want to discuss this further. Hopefully I'll be able to better understand what he gets out of it, as that usually helps me stick to doing something. 

As I write that I realise it doesn't sound very subby... ie. needing to make sense of something my Dom wants... when, you know, the only reason I really *should* need is 'Cos He Said So. I suppose I'm just not wired that way! LOL. 

But on the other hand, having now written that out, I think if we had a discussion about why he wanted me to send a pic of myself each time I had a cum, and if the reason he gave me was 'Cos I Say So, well, that would make me feel subby enough to comply. 

I think my brain needs a bit of sorting out. See you tomorrow... hopefully I'll have worked it out by then.

My mood pic today ~ 

Nagging

So here's something I would love some feedback on. 

I've taken to nagging BIKSS about eating properly and exercising more. Like REALLY nagging. I go on and on and on.. and not in too much of a scold-y way, but more of a play-frustrated way.. you know what I mean? 

Anyway. I really do want him to exercise more. If I'm not walking with him, he's not walking on his own. Maybe it's a timing issue, maybe it's a "if I do it on my own and the timing is different then it may be difficult for me to get out to walk WITH YOU in future" thing. 

But aside from that, there is also the food thing. I don't want to restrict him too much, seeing as how he's already had to deal with the low carb diet when he had the high-ish glucose numbers - which he's managing VERY well, FYI. And I always feel like the wicked stepmother whenever I'm tempted to open my mouth and make a comment on what he wants to order.

HOWEVER, he does like his sauces, and even though he denies it, trust, me, the man likes his gravy. If there is something to mop up, he'll mop it up. He's also a fan of red meat. Again, he denies this. But I think these days he IS eating less beef and pork. I hope so anyway, as I'm not with him all the time.

Now, if his BP wasn't elevated I wouldn't care. But it is, and I do. And while exercise and diet will probably only help to bring his numbers down by something like 10 mmHg, it would definitely put him back in the "normal" range. 

"Well, that's not too high then, is it?"  you might say. It is. Being consistently in the upper 80s (diastolic) isn't fantastic... my boss is inclined to treat it with meds for a better long-term outcome, he says.  

Me, I'm not a fan of suggesting to ANYONE that they should get started on long-term medication without first trying to manage to situation with lifestyle changes. No point popping a pill to reduce the risk of one set of events only to increase the risk of something else right? 

And so, I nag. 

I don't know HOW MUCH nagging is too much nagging. I worry that at some point he'll get sick of it. Or get annoyed. And I mean, if you know the risks and consequences, and are prepared to face them, then that's fine. You can go ahead and own the decision to eat the way you do. I'm all about making authentic choices. 

But I'm afraid that he's the sort of person who is in denial most of the time and doesn't seem to think there is anything the matter with his diet at the moment, and *that* annoys me. 

The protestations of "But I don't eat that much beef... "  or when I point out, for example, that oyster sauce is super salt-laden and his response is "I don't eat oyster sauce... " then I have to explain that it's in EVERY SINGLE CHINESE STIR FRY DISH and he'll counter with "but I don't eat the sauce" to which *I* will then have to counter with "but if there's any gravy / sauce on the plate you'll mop it up with whatever meat you have at the end of your fork". And only *then* will he sheepishly concede. 

See what I have to deal with? 

Or he DOES know but isn't ready to acknowledge it. 

And so... my friends, when you feel that your Dom(me) needs to change something for their own good and you have to be the one to nag them about it, how do you manage this without overstepping the boundaries of your submissive 'position' in the relationship?

I mean, if it were the other way around it would be way easier: I love you sub, you need to get healthy. You'll eat what I tell you to eat. No this or no that, and permission needs to be asked for everything, or a report given, or something similar. Failure to comply = a very upset Dom(me) and maybe a punishment, if you do that. I'm not trying to over-simplify the D/s dynamic here, I mean, sure, there also needs to be agreement and acknowledgement on the part of the sub that she / he is willing to enter this particular area of their life into the portfolio of their Dom(me)... but you know what I mean. Easier to manage than for a sub to tell her Dom - No Daddy, you're not allowed to eat beef, or pork and no you can't dip your chicken in gravy and no, that doesn't mean you'll dip it in ketchup either!

Your views.... pleeeeease!

My mood pic today ~

This Dance & FFF 2.0 - 5

This dance we do...

...is one where I nag him about things that affect his health - and he listens and does something about them

...is one where I get to rant and rave about things that upset me and he doesn't counter with his own point of view - even when he disagrees with me

...is one where he silently reminds me on the plane - via a hand around my neck as I'm lying down with my head in his lap - that I'm his little girl

...is one where he reaches for my nipple, bum, anything, anywhere, and I give him access, because I am his, and I trust that he's not being inappropriate, even when we're in public

...is one where he reminds me, with a single word, that I'm distracting those around me in the cinema when my phone buzzes and I've picked it up to read messages

...is one where I promptly shut the case of said phone instead of getting pissed at being "told off"

...is also one where he then whispers to ask if everything is ok... and I know that that is my cue to go ahead and check but be mindful of the glare - I turn the light down super low

...is one where so many things are unspoken, but a single word could be loaded with so much meaning

...is a dance I can do only with him.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now,  FFF #5!

I'm a day late I know. Ooops.

The baking. I blame the baking.

OK here it is:

Average count - 15,584
Highest no - 20,488
More than 10k - EVERYDAY

This week's links so far -

Julie's hiccup

Olivia got her lab results back

& here's Roz's Update : 

Way to go on your steps. Wow! I still need to get back to my exercises. Sigh. Still doing the stairs though.

Submitting - Just Some Rambling Thoughts

*Long Post Advisory* - You might want to go get a cup of tea... or a bowl of ice cream.

Submission. Submitting.

Is it something we do when an opportunity presents itself? Or something that we look for ways in which to offer as much as possible? Are we passive or active in our submission?

Reading comments on others' posts have made me think about revisiting this topic. I don't pretend to be an expert. Some readers here will know BIKSS and I are not married (to each other) neither do we live together. So any reference to how this lifestyle works for us will only be within the framework of a relationship between two people who love each other. Think of it as D/s in abstract. In a relationship. Not necessarily a marriage. 

I can only share what I know; how TTWD has benefited us. Bear in mind everyone has / will have different journeys and it's important to remember that your individual journey will not (and probably should not) look like anyone else's. 

OK. Disclaimers sorted. On to the good stuff. 

Part 1 All Things Bright and Beautiful 

In the beginning there was excitement. It was new. It was going to make our sex life completely hot. And it did. We had the rules. We had the routines and rituals. We had the script. We said the right things, did the right things, learnt the right postures. Looking back now I giggle abit about those days. It was akin to little girls wearing grown-up high-heeled shoes. 

But let's face it, we don't all grow up to be those women who clickety clack in 3 inch stilettos every day. Some of us end up wearing flip flops 90% of the time, others live in trainers, while some of us prefer loafers, mocs, deck shoes, sandals... you name it right?

And yet there remains a "stock standard" image of the grown up woman's shoes - much like how there are stock standard ideas of D/s, TTWD, BDSM, whatever you call it.

But I've come to realise that our version of D/s or TTWD (I see one as a subset of the other) is probably more like a pair of flip-flops than stilettos. Comfortable, casual, but most importantly, absolutely essential.

Like slippers - that's what we call it here -it's a staple in our relationship. Sure, sometimes we play with the toys and trappings, and dress it up with positions and instructions. Sometimes we pull out the D/s vocabulary and weapons of ass destruction. But mostly it's just a state of being. He's my Dom, and I'm his girl. Without all the gloss and polish, our TTWD is just like a pair of old comfy flip flops - functional and dependable. 

Part 2 All Creatures Great and Small

Er, maybe not creatures. But in all aspects, big and small, the thing that is ever on my mind is to be polite and decent. Be nice to him...  

It's not as weird as it sounds.

"But of course you'll be nice to him, you love him!"  

Nuh-uh. We all know it's way easier to be rude to the people closest to us; we hurt our loved ones the most, while we tend to take great pains to be polite to and extra patient with strangers - even the ones who piss us off (at the grocery store, getting off escalators, on the way to work, while queueing up for a coffee...) right?

That's probably the one crucial aspect of TTWD that has made THIS relationship different from others we've had in the past. 

Respect. Being mindful of how we want the other person to feel. To raise, lift up, encourage. It's easy to say we can do the same thing in a vanilla relationship. But in reality, it's a lot harder when there isn't the threat of a spanking looming over your head for disobedience or disrespect.

[Right, this last point has got my brain shooting off in a whole other direction, but I shan't go there today. ]

It might appear to be one-sided in that we're thinking from the sub's point of view.

But how does TTWD help the Dom remember to be nice to his girl? What motivation does he have?

I'll share BIKSS's answer to that in a moment, but as far as I can tell, if I were to be given authority and responsibility over another person, I'd bluddy damned well show a good example. And if I want someone to afford me that kind of respect, then hashtag Golden Rule. (Note: it's not just a Christianity thing...)

OK, so what was BIKSS' answer?

Well, your open expression of submission is a constant reminder... Probably not a conscious decision or mindset but one borne of the dynamic.

Of course a Bad Dom could just take the submission and sit on it, then dish out abuse in exchange. So let's assume that we've put some thought into this and have already ascertained that the men we love aren't Bad Doms ok?

But I asked BIKSS anyway...  about Good Doms and Bad Doms. Here's his paragraph ~

A Good Dom remembers that the submission is a gift, one given from the heart, and as such, respect is the least a Good Dom can give back.  The temptation to go further, push harder, burst limits, is always going to come up but the sub's needs are foremost.

In a nutshell what I'm hearing is "good begets good". And also, that's it's his job to take care of me. I suppose it follows that if that is the mindset of the Dom (ie. to take care of, guide, help, nurture etc.,) then it's quite natural that he won't be rude / mean / dismissive to his sub.

That and if, like BIKSS, he is constantly aware that his girl's submission is a gift to him, then it is very likely to be accompanied by some kind of emotional response - this is what he replied when I asked him what his emotional response was to my gift of submission (as he put it):

BIKSS - Humility - that you would. Gratitude after - for giving it. And then a sense of how big it is.

Me - How big WHAT is?

BIKSS - The responsibility of having won your trust and submission and knowing that now one has to be worthy.

Righto then. When do we submit? How?

In all things. Great and small. That was my original point. It's not just about submitting to the punishment / spanking, or to his decision-making. It's not just submitting in the BIG things, or maybe, you thought, just the small easy-to-do things.

It's everything. Or anything that has been previously agreed upon. For example, for us there are some exclusions. He doesn't get involved in money matters or my work schedule. Not because I don't or won't let him, but it's just the way our relationship is - these are not things that concern him or that he could impact one way or another. With the parents and my classes and work, I'm the only person around here who knows what's best for me/them and what will or won't work, logistically speaking. I'm mostly financially independent. (Altho' with this kitchen mess I'm a little bit skint now.) The flat is in my name, so decisions are my burden and mine alone. However I DO go to him to get his advice and opinion if I'm not a hundred per cent sure of what I'm going to do. Basically there are areas in my life where he is unable to take a Dominant role - and in those areas I AM KING. Ok, Queen. You know what I mean.

Having said that, he does help to ease the financial strain by buying me stuff I need and feeding me when we go out to eat. He even dropped some dinner off for me last week on his way home, as he knew I hadn't bought any food to take home with me earlier in the day - and knowing full well I couldn't whip something up either considering I have no stove for 3 weeks.

When I need to run to mum's he is ready to ferry me. When I need supplies he'll gladly get them for me.

But where was I? Oh, yeah. Everything. Everything ELSE.

If he says let's go do something, we go. If he has thought up a plan that doesn't sound TOO mad, I'll go along with it. When he says I should drink water, I do (I'm awful at drinking enough water... bleugh). It is common around these parts that I tell him what I need... buy groceries, deliver meds, get food, WANT CAKE... then he'll take all the different bits and pieces and turn it into some workable plan. And then that's the plan. Cos that's his job. And it's also my job to tell him what I need.

It's called working together.

I never used to have this in my other relationships. I would dictate lead. They would follow. Cos they didn't have a choice. It was always done MY WAY. It was exhausting. Why didn't I just let them do the leading then? I didn't trust them enough I suppose. They didn't prove they were capable of doing so, maybe...

Part 3 All Things Wise and Wonderful

But what about that thing I said about passive vs active submission?

6 years ago I think I was naive and ignorant. I would wait for him to instruct. I would wonder why he wasn't more demanding. I would crave his dominance. And I would be frustrated. Erotic D/s images like this one didn't help any.

I read about subs whose doms instructed them not to cum, or to cum, or to masturbate for them.

I drooled when I read posts about doms dictating what their subs were to wear.

I panted for more rituals, more protocols, more "stuff".

And to be fair, every time I told him what I needed, he met those needs. But I eventually realised what was lacking.

My submission was dependent on his dominance. For aren't they the perfect foil for each other? Well, yes. But therein lies the beauty of this dance. Without one, there cannot be the other. But where one first begins to exist, soon the other must follow.

I've grown wiser over the years. Perhaps not in everything, but in understanding how OUR version of TTWD works. I was always waiting for him to ask me for my submission. But for it to be truly a gift, it had to be given. Over and over again. Continuously. Constantly. And consistently. That's what I've learnt in the last year. (It only took me 5 years... geez. Talk about a steep curve.)

It was accidental too. At times I found myself being more active in my submission. And it was at those times that I felt most "right". We've never had orgasm control. In fact he likes it when I have at it.

(Side note : I'm one of those women who fall into the category of "the more I have, the more likely I'll want it, and the less of it I have, the less I'll need it". I'm not sure if any of you are like that too, but I know I've seen at least one other sub say this about herself... can't quite remember who now tho.)

Going back to my point - BIKSS has never dictated my 'cumming' and going, so to speak, but I have asked him via text if I may have a cum... and he gets into Dom mode immediately. Did I have to? Nope. If I didn't ask him permission but went ahead anyway, did I have to report it? Nope.  It just isn't part of our thing. But when I ask I exercise submission, and he practises Dominance.

When he asks what I would like to eat... and I say, "You choose, Daddy." That's me being actively sub. I could just as easily have said "How about that place with the build your own sushi?" and we would have gone on to have dinner like any other vanilla couple. But when I leave it to him, his Dom gears get activated and he thinks about what I might enjoy, or what might fit into my weird food plan based on what I might have had earlier in the day (he'll know cos I usually tell him what I'm eating).

Is this topping from the bottom? I've decided if it works, it works, and I'm not even going to consider this question. Every damn thing could be considered topping from the bottom if you let it. So no. I'm not going there. I *will* say that the other thing that sparked off my whole active subbing movement was what BIKSS said to me not too long ago - that being a good girl / sub is not dependent on following his instructions or obeying his directions. That when I do "nice" things for him of my own accord (with him in mind), I'm being a good sub by showing care and concern, and pre-empting his needs and wants.

Have I been actively subbing recently? Yes. It's still tough though, cos my default setting is Go-Getter-No-Messin'-About-Bitch. But I'm making a conscious effort to be more submissive. He said to me once (on the topic of why we do what we do) that he recognises that I need to have the space to be sub.  Now this is my way of creating a space for him to be Dom.

And for the most part, we're at a wonderful, comfortable, flip-floppy, place.

On Our D/s

Do we still have D/s?

Do you still do what I tell you to? 

Only if it makes sense

Would I ask you to do something that didn't make sense?

Maybe it does to you but not to me

Then you might not accept it. But you'd still do it. 

No I wouldn't

Yes you would. I know you would.

------------ 

And I think he's right.

What Then?

I'll be brief. Sometimes I read a blog. I think everythings a-ok. I get to know someone. Then I start to judge. Not them, per se. But the kind of relationship they're in. Sometimes I think they're in a "bad" BDSM place. That it seems the Dom's doing stuff to them that isn't quite "for the sub's good". 

It may just be my own interpretation of the D/s relationship. 

What do you do when you no longer "agree" with the activities a blogger is writing about? I don't mean the extremes of their kink or the specific scenes. I mean the emotion that accompanies each playtime. 

I can handle "He did this this and that to me and I relished it and oh I felt so liberated after. And I hated the thing itself, but I loved being able to submit to Master."

What I can't handle is "I really did not want to and that's not what I signed up for but I'm a sub and I'm HIS sub so I have to no matter how it makes me feel, cos he MUST know best what I like and what I don't and my own opinions don't matter."

One says to me - I'm happy to submit. The other says to me, look at me I'm the perfect doormat. 

Yeah, I'm being bitchy right about now. Can you tell? 

So what then? When your cautionary comments get vetoed and the subs justify their actions/thoughts/feelings etc, saying you don't understand, that they need it, despite it not serving any greater good, do we just quietly close the door, click to a new page, and don't go back there anymore? 

Because it's HARD to go back and keep on reading about how someone isn't seeing the abuse that's there. There is FEAR in their voice. And they don't want to admit it. 

Excuse me if I'm wrong, but if there's one thing BDSM and D/s and DD and TTWD  must have, it's trust. And the one thing it CANNOT have, imho, is fear. How can you say you trust this man with your life when you fear him more?

Snippets - Treats, Footy and Not being a jerk

1) Last week BIKSS took a day off and played hooky. We went for a Brazilian churrascaria lunch at a swanky well known integrated mall / hotel / theatre venue. It's the same place we watched Phantom. And at the time I begged him to take me to Starlight Express  as I've always wanted to see it but never had the chance. He agreed to treat me to the show, and after lunch that day we wandered over to the ticket booth and he bought our tickets! I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! (Ok, I hate to say this, but honestly I thought it would take lots of reminding and prodding and asking and... oh, you get the picture right?)

2) Footy season has begun. I got to hang out with him for drinks and dinner at a pub tonight (Sunday - very rare!) as he was going to be out watching the match, and invited me along.  Incidentally I tagged along this afternoon to his car-polish appointment too where we spent 3 hours buying groceries, walking about a mall, and having frozen yoghurt while we waited for the car to be done. TWICE in a day! Woohoo!! Lucky is me!

Oh, and since we usually have spanking wagers (on the scores) during league season I asked him what the wager was on tonight's game. He said it didn't matter cos he'd just spank the crap out of me either way! LOL

3) We were driving along and he said something about checking my map and I remarked that the app I have was awful. Wouldn't even display the block numbers. He insisted it did. I explained that my version was different from his and the old one did, but this one didn't. Again he insisted it did. I actually outright told him I was getting irritated cos how would he know if it did or didn't when it was MY app on MY phone that I use. 

And then he said ok, never mind, he'll figure out how to get where we wanted to go and didn't need the map anymore. THE AIR WAS SO THICK you could slice it with a knife. But because we have TTWD and I'm a talker and I won't let things go I apologised for raising my voice and I asked him why he was upset. He said he wasn't. And I said, I knew he was cos there's a tension. I justified my statement. And he agreed it was valid. But he was still affected by it, I could see. 

And because I'm a clever girl, I figured it out. He was upset cos he knew that technically he didn't have a reason to be upset with me. I was right. He had no clue if it DID show the block numbers or not so he shouldn't have insisted. And THAT upset him. I told him I didn't mean to upset him, and I was sorry if I did. And I wasn't a jerk about it. But then, the most wonderful thing is that HE wasn't a jerk about it either!

We didn't have a stressful serious tense argument. There was smiling (albeit reluctantly) and teasing (on my part anyway) and eventually what could have been a huge fight faded away into a simple hiccup that was easily sorted out. I had my hand on his lap and I leaned over and kissed his arm lots to keep the "loving" atmosphere going, and I had just picked up some chocolate-filled donut balls before he came to get me - I wanted to surprise him when I got into the car, so there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to let the mood go sour. 

He graciously accepted my gestures of affection and didn't allow himself to get angry as we put it behind us. How amazing is he eh? And then I shared my donut balls with him :)

Did I just challenge my Dom and get away with it? I prefer to think of it as standing up for myself when I think I'm right. I challenge what he says quite regularly... but I think challenging HIM is a thing of the past.

I Need a Spanking

Sunday~ 

BIKSS told me recently that he'll be making 2 trips out of town in the next couple of months. I assumed they'd be short-ish trips, 3-5 days or so each, similar to when he's been out of town before. He mentioned one rather far away trip involving a time difference and I figured, ok, maybe a week.

Today he confirmed the dates on our shared calendar and I freaked out and felt the panic start to rise.

He'll be gone for 9 days, and then 6 days later he'll be gone for another week. OK in the big scheme of things it's not that bad, I know some of you have to manage for months at a time without your other halves, but I'm not used to this! 

Sorry. Didn't mean to wail.

Anyway, the thing is since we have pretty "fixed" meeting days, if the days he's back don't coincide with our regular schedule, then it might be a long while before I do get to see him. And there's no guarantee that wifi will be available, or the connection decent, where he's going to be.

He promised to chat and Facetime and what not, but I'm still feeling a little frazzled. That's Fondles-speak for  "I know I'm being ridiculous but I still feel like you're leaving me. And I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I don't like it so please make it go away!"

So I did what I've been preaching on everyone else's blogs. I mustered up the courage and texted him and asked if he could give me a spanking when we meet tomorrow. Not that we don't always have spankings, but I meant not one of those erotic types we usually indulge in. I need some grounding, re-centering, and that calls for one of his cuddle-and-spank specialties. You know the one... where he wraps me up tight in one arm, holding my face close to his chest, and then spanks me with his free hand. Long and determinedly. Uh-huh.. yeap, that one.

And I also added that I felt like I was being a bother, and troublesome, needy. Ok, I didn't say that last bit. But I'm saying it now. I feel needy for wanting to be spanked so that I'll feel less stressed about his upcoming work trips. After all, shouldn't I be able to deal with it? Geez, I'm 40 years old, for pete's sake.

But that's the wonderful thing about TTWD now isn't it? I don't have to sort myself out anymore. I don't have to face it on my own and tell myself to grow up and get a grip. I feel what I feel and I need him to help and I am expected to open my mouth and be honest about my needs. (He reassured me that I wasn't being a bother and he'll give me a spanking and as much cuddle time as I need.)

The alternative - that is, if I didn't come out and ask for a spanking, would be a really touchy, over-sensitive, easily upset Fondles between now and the time he leaves, and THAT would be a recipe for disaster. So it's better this way. I'm glad to say definitively that this is ONE lesson I've learnt.

I'm a little bit nervous, but I know I'll feel better when it's over.

I'll write more about it AFTER.

------------------------------------------------------
Monday~

Did I dilly dally? Yes

Did I stall? Yes

Did I doubt he would keep his promise? Not for a minute.

BIKSS got out the Christmas paddle. He wanted me on my front and moved to get up behind me. I wailed. I wanted his spank-and-cuddle special! The one where he does both at the same time.

He acquiesced and slid down back beside me.

As he delivered his 200 smacks (100 on each cheek, alternating sides now and then), we talked. He told me that he's already asked the company to spring for data-roaming on his cell, so even if the wifi where he'll be is sucky, we'll still be able to chat on one of the myriad of apps we have on our fones. He spanked and rubbed in between, and I was feeling much better. Still sad and pouty, but less stressed and frazzled.

After he was done with that, and my bum was nice and warm, he then moved on to the Christmas Paddle: a hundred swats landing evenly across both cheeks. Non-stop.

And then when he was done, we talked some more, while he held me. And my eyes began to tear as I thought about how much I would miss him. But we actually talked specifically about which days he'll be gone, and which days he'll come over in between the two trips, and his plan for swapping out our regular meet-up days so he'll still be able to see me before he leaves and after he's back. So it was really good all round.

I also told him about how I've made arrangements on some of the days he's away to meet with friends whom I don't get to see often - and we both agree it's a good plan.

So while my bum didn't even turn the slightest hint of pink (he checked), I can still kinda feel it. And I asked if he would do this again when we meet on Friday. I suspect I'll be wanting to be consistently cuddle-and -spanked right up till the day he leaves. This is harder than I thought.

"Thinking about it makes me sad, but blocking it out would be bad," I told him about my mental dilemma and this was his reply (I may be paraphrasing), "Don't block it out, you know that it's coming up, but you also know that I'll be coming back."

Words to keep me sane.

Over Time

When I first started blogging it was because TTWD was so new to us that I needed some security in knowing what I was doing wasn't entirely insane. 

Over time I have found my own footing, we've worked out our own dynamic, and even tho our style of TTWD may evolve we're comfortable in our kinky skin enough to be able to navigate the changes, acknowledge and discuss them, and then move forward - hopefully leaving the stuff that doesn't work behind, and only going on with the stuff that does!

In the past I wrote a lot about dilemmas, I asked, I wondered, I pondered, and needed direction. 

The people who commented wrote plenty helpful stuff. And then I hit a plateau. I didn't need them anymore. The comments that is, the ones that would validate me. I didn't need them because I grew into this lifestyle and we became secure in our roles, we understood, and got it! (That doesn't mean I don't enjoy reading comments... I DO! I just didn't depend on them for answers!)

And then the writing changed. Now I'm mostly sex-blogging. And I wonder if this is what I want to do - have my Monday night dates then write about the sex we had. 

I took a look around and figured there were a few different types of blogs - 

1) The Beginner - what is wrong with me / am I doing this right / I need to know I'm not alone

2) The Working-It-Out - submission is hard / the problems I'm facing (includes HoHs who aren't quite on board with the programme) / I'm really trying to be a good wife / Dom-less or sub-less at the moment

3) The All-Sorted-Out-And-Happy-With-The-Way-Things-Are-Working - this bunch consists of a few categories (some of which skipped 1 and 2 and ended up straight here):

i) the authors - who either have published books, or write and share their short stories

ii) the sex reporters - who are great to read when one needs a mid-day kick

iii) the sharers of pics and quotes and other blogs - who are generally just connectors and fab resources for not-so-personal TTWD / DD / Spanko stuff. 

I think I'm in the sex reporter zone at the moment.... what about you? 

To the younger / newer readers of my blog, is there something you'd like to know that my older followers have all pretty much gotten sick of reading about? To my older blogfriends, is there something you'd like to know that I haven't grumbled about to death yet? 

I've effectively run out of interesting stuff to say. My brain isn't in my blog right now. So ask me something, ANYTHING - it's open season on FA.