I Was Stuck - and This Week's Food Pics

So a year ago when we needed a second caregiver for mum, the plan was to pick up some extra shifts since I wouldn't be needed at home to help out with her potty and baths and stuff. 

Somehow I think I got so used to always being home in the afternoons that I just got stuck in that routine. 

A week or so ago, a friend posted on a group chat that she had gotten a promotion. While I was really happy for her, I was also feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I don't regret the career choices I made, including turning down jobs that might have paid me more or given me better prospects at moving up the ladder. I'm happy I got to spend time with dad everyday before he passed away. And I'm trying to do the same with mum. 

But at the same time I've gotta start thinking about what happens when she's gone and I'm left to deal with rising costs of living and planning for my retirement. 

Some of my kids will be finishing with their grade 8s soon, and that means no more income from them. I think I had a little panic attack when I grabbed Betty for a sit down and chat and bemoaned my worries to her.

Which is when she reminded me that the original plan was to get a second carer for mum SO THAT I COULD GO GET ANOTHER JOB. REMEMBER???

Right. I think I was just frozen and stuck and didn't make any moves towards that goal.

So the weekend after I looked at some job ads on the web and found a music school really near my place looking for teachers. I rang them up and the centre manager asked if I could come in the next day for a chat. 

Well that was fast. Things don't usually go that quickly in my part of the world. 

I went in to speak to him the following day and got the job! 

And so now I have committed 14 hours (2 weekday evenings and a Saturday afternoon) to teaching with them, and I must say, he wasn't kidding when he said there were kids on a waitlist cos they didn't have enough teachers. I can't understand why tho, compared to my previous school, they pay a whole lot more commission, and they're very easy going - no stupid rules about dress code, no lanyards and ID tags, no hassle about taking days off as long as you find a day to make up the lesson. 

As it is we've planned a trip for the 3rd to the 7th of October - BIKSS and I are off to Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand! - and as we were coming up to the end of September I thought it would make more sense for me to start after I got back. 

No problem, we can start immediately, he says, then just see how we can make up the classes for the week you're away. I'll also be unable to come in on the xx of November (I've gotten us tickets for a play, I can't quite remember the exact date now LOL) - oh, that's fine, he says, we'll find another Friday to make that up. There are gazetted school holidays so you can just use one of those days. 

In my old school it would have been met with "Oh, I see, you have tickets... you've bought them, oh, any way to arrange it such that you can change or return or sell them off?" WTF. No. I hated that place because they were so sticky about time off. 

Mind you, I don't intentionally get tickets for days I'm working but this was arranged before I took the job right? So it's not like I did it on purpose. Old school didn't care. They were assholes. 

Anyway, so I started yesterday. And I have another lesson this Tuesday. And 3 more additional students next Saturday. He was right about that waitlist. 

So I'm happy. I've become unstuck and this is as good a way to get moving as any. More income doing what I love in a place where the people are nice, the management doesn't suck, and is close by to my home. 

AND I am totally looking forward to not worrying about spending money on the upcoming vacation! 

=================

Last week BIKSS had a bit of a stomach bug. It made itself known as we were finishing dinner. The Japanese place where we were eating had suddenly filled up with the smell of smoke from the meats being grilled in the open kitchen, and BIKSS couldn't stomach it. He was close to retching so we paid up and left pronto. 

Top - Chicken and Leek Yakitori

Middle - Salmon Carpaccio, Mentaiko grilled Tiger Prawn

Bottom - Pepper Chicken with Yuzu Sauce, Garden Salad and Miso Tofu

After a couple of days he felt better so we met for lunch and coffee to sort through or itinerary. We'll be flying via Bangkok so we needed to decide if we wanted to spend any nights there or go straight through to Chiang Mai, and also how soon we wanted to get back into Bangkok for our return flight. I wanted to go over some of the things we wanted to do in Chiang Mai so we would know how many nights to spend there. 

We were planning to go restaurant hopping for lunch. That was my plan anyway. But after a huge bowl of chicken soup (bottom pic) - literally, nothing in it but chicken and liquid - we were too full for anything else. 

Anyway, we got that settled at a Starbucks, and then headed off to get dinner. Which was a little more substantial. But it was MY turn to have not much of an appetite so we doggy bagged half of it.

Top - pork chop with tomato gravy - aka Hainanese style pork chop, Crab cakes - a favourite of ours.

And that is the news for this week. 

Exciting times ahead! 

This week I got me two packets of these from the supermarket cos they were marked down! Interesting flavour, but I don't think I'll be repurchasing!

I'm So Excited

"Hope" is the thing with feathers... is the line I've been hearing a lot recently. I listen to Dear Hank and John, the podcast, and John Green uses this line often (from the Emily Dickinson poem which is titled for that first line). And I like it a lot.

Here is the poem -

“Hope” is the thing with feathers

BY EMILY DICKINSON

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me.

You can read an analysis of it HERE. 

Yes, indeed MY little "hope" bird has been singing its heart out. And today I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. The hospital's home-visit team came in today to do an assessment and see how they can help better support the transition from hospital to home, and we got SO many questions answered. The doctor and nurse who came were lovely people; and this was clearly not their first rodeo. 

In the end they said they would arrange for a physical therapist to come in and try to help with mum's stability and strength so she can stand a bit better, helping us to help her when she needs to move from chair to bed to commode etc. They're getting the hospital's dietician to write them a memo so they can officially put mum's nutritional supplement ON THE LIST so we won't have to pay full price for it. They're going to get me a letter stating that I NEED A SECOND CAREGIVER so that the government will allow me to apply for one (there's a limit on these things so people don't just use them as cheap labour for other things). They checked my newly acquired  medical financial assistance letter and informed me that I wouldn't have to pay for these home visits OR for the physical therapist. (It would have otherwise cost me $65 per visit even after the existing subsidies I have.) AND most importantly the doctor adjusted mum's clonazepam dose. And they'll come by again to see how she does on the new dosing. I also have a contact number that I can ring for help, instead of having to call the medical centre and leave a request for mum's usual geri - the useless one - to call me back the next day or whatever.

As for paying for the second caregiver, well, it's going to cost me about 1 grand. At the moment I'm waiting for the first 2 grants to get approved, which will give me $300 monthly. I'm also going to see the social worker tomorrow about getting mum's thickener put on the "have to buy" list so I can use my medical financial assistance thing to pay for it instead of having to pay out of pocket. At the same time I'll ask her about activating mum's eldercare insurance thing that the government made everyone do via a monthly premium taken out of our salary. That one pays out $300 monthly for 5 years. So that takes care of $600. The rest of the money? 

My current caregiver, the bright spark that she is, said, "With another person to help out here at home, I won't need you to be here all the time to help me anymore. You can go to work! Teach more! Work part time? Do something to earn that $400! It'll be easy, and you don't have to worry about mama at home cos there'll be 2 of us!"

That is VERY true. Besides, the daily one-hour home care I've arranged every morning so that my caregiver has an extra pair of hands to help with mum's wake-up routine is already costing me $600 a month. These things are WAY expensive. 

With the second live-in caregiver I would save that money, AND have extra help round the clock. 

So that is the plan moving forward. I am hopeful. I can finally hear its song.

(art by Jefry Maviskho)

 

It's Our Country's Birthday - We're 56 - and some OTHER Numbers

We turn 56 today and it's a holiday, but there's not going to be any big parade. Instead they're having a ceremonial one whatever that means and I suppose we'll all just watch it on TV. 

We should all just have one man parades.... LOL

There WILL be a "party" on the 21st, and I'm not sure if they're actually going to have people in a crowded space shouting and screaming in the heat - but I'm certain I don't want to be there. 

We've reached 70% full vaccination. I suppose the government is glad they met their target - their plan was 2/3 of the population by August. Counting those who have received at least one dose, that number goes up to about 80%. 

The plan is that by September we'll be 80% fully vaccinated. 

This is good news for relaxing of measures. 

I know that our case numbers are pretty low in comparison to other countries, particularly our immediate neighbours, but that's cos seemingly extreme measures were put in place to prevent widespread infection - evidently it's working. (To date approx 65k cases in total, 41 deaths, and about 2k active cases currently)

We test whole blocks of residents if there are at least 3 positive cases in the block; quarantine orders are issued for anyone who has come into close contact (15 mins at 1.5m or less) with a confirmed case and that means keeping any kids at home (so they don't spread it in school) until a second negative swab test result for the person in quarantine; and not allowing dining-in at all eateries, AT ALL - not even outdoor ones. This means we get LOTS of changes and updates every week or two, and that's probably the thing that annoys me the most. But I suppose the plan has been to keep everyone away from everyone else as much as possible until the majority have been vaccinated. 

Now that we've reached that point, it seems we can carry on with life again, somewhat, but I'm certain there will be new challenges and a different trend will emerge, one that will need reactionary measures again. Only this time the parameters will look very different, I suspect. 

They've taken off the "possible exposure alert" on our tracing app since they made the announcement to relax the rules. And we are left wondering if this is the next step in their move to "living with Covid as an endemic instead of pandemic" as previously announced. 

Of course this means that maybe just maybe I'll be able to sneak BIKSS in again for some nookie. The last time we had sex was on the 4th of June. I looked. Cos I write down EVERYTHING. 

That's 2 months and then some. 

We'll also be able to eat out again. HURRAY. Time to use that voucher.

Honestly, I think being NOT on dates regularly has given me some separation anxiety and I think I've coped by just shutting out and becoming numb in the relationship department. I still enjoy the texts and chats when we DO walk but I'm not craving intimacy. Which is a bit alarming. Oh well. Let's see what happens moving forward. (It could be Covid lockdown's fault, but it could also just be my hormones.)

Speaking of - my hormones have all gone haywire - the last time I had a period was on the 12th of June. Thankfully the hot flashes have stopped and I'm sleeping thru the night again. 

The irony tho. No period. But no sex. But also, no cums. Not many in any case. I've probably had 3 cums in the last 2 months. The libido has Covid. It's in some serious need of resuscitation I think.

While my hormones seem to be less problematic these days, relatively speaking, the MSK pains (musculoskeletal) have gotten more pronounced. It could be the crazy long / fast walks I've been doing (I try going faster when I'm walking solo), it could also be the uphill / downhill walk I did with financial guru/accountant friend last Wed, but I think it's made worse by the let's-push-mum TOO FAR in her wheelchair outings when I take her out solo on our caregiver's day off. 

So I went and did some research on Kinesiology tape and did a simple tape up for knee to see if it will help. So far, it's not too bad and I can at least squat to pee without pain LOL. 

In a nutshell - 

When the tape is applied to your body, it recoils slightly, gently lifting your skin. It is believed that this helps to create a microscopic space between your skin and the tissues underneath it.

Some physical therapists think the tape changes the information your sensory nervous system is sending about pain and compression in your body. 

[Our tissues] ...contain sensory receptors that feel pain, temperature, and touch. Those receptors all contribute to proprioception—your brain’s sense of where your body is and what it’s doing. Kinesiology taping creates a lift that unloads the underlying tissues. Decompressing those tissues can change the signals going to the brain. 

I don't know if any of it is actually working, but I AM aware of the tape around my knee, and perhaps that's messing with the pain signals after all.

There's a specific way to tape for injury so it's not like you just plaster it over the painful spot. 

Youtube has LOTS of how-to videos.

 

I'm going to research how to tape my 5th metatarsal next - or cuboid bone. It's been a bit achey and I suspect I may have a syndrome / stress reaction. I thought it was my ankle but it didn't seem to fit the classic ankle sprain (ATFL) descriptions. 

ATFL

The pain I have seems to be on the TOP of the foot. I might ask the boss about getting an X-ray when I go back to work after the holiday. 

(my.clevelandclinic.org)

In other medical updates, Mum's next geri appointment is on the 24th. They shifted it from the 10th. Probably because there were some cases in the medical centre at the hospital and they were trying to keep people away as much as possible. 

I hope this time the doctor gives her something for her anxiety. 

I'm nagging BIKSS cos he still hasn't gone and booked his medical appointment. He's checking with his insurance to see what they will or won't cover.

He also had the sniffles last Thursday and had to do another swab. His third so far. 

Thankfully, I've had none. 

And on that note I shall sign off with today's slightly optimistic mood pic ~ Is it finally safe to come out now?

Dentist Visit

I hate them. Dental visits. 

But it's been more than a year since I've been (I was kinda hoping for the Covid thing to be over before booking an appointment) and I found myself in a new clinic that opened up about half a year ago, next to that cheap haircut place.

My usual dental clinic has changed their policy, and I am a bit annoyed at them. You see, I have a government subsidy card for medical and dental visits. When I stopped in to ask about an appointment after getting my monthly massage, they told me that I can't tap on the subsidy if I visit on the weekends, and also that I would have to pay a cash top up of $25. Which I know isn't a lot, but it used to be free, innit? 

(I shall ring the relevant agency on Monday and ask if this is allowed - from what I know, the subsidy cards need to be honoured any time they're presented.)

I decided to pop into the new clinic and ask if I could use the subsidy card. Yes, she told me. No restrictions, no top-ups. I booked myself a slot at 4 cos that was their earliest available, and went home for lunch. 

At 3 they rang and told me that there was a cancellation so I could come in early if I wanted to. Yay! Off I went!

So the thing about scaling is that it's noisy. And the sounds are perhaps more unnerving than the actual procedure. After the dentist was done with the first section I asked if they (she and her assistant) minded listening to my podcast - cos I'd prefer to have a distraction, but didn't have my earphones with me. 

She said to go right ahead, and would be glad to listen along. I could tell she was amused by the podcast, and after the session she asked what it was that I was listening to. I showed her the title and she said she would definitely check it out. 

(BTW, if you're interested, it was SciShow Tangents. Imagine if I had been midway through a "My Dad Wrote a Porno" epiosde lol.)

And so it has come to be that my knots have been kneaded out, my teeth have been cleaned, and my new dentist has now got a podcast to check out.

My mood pic today ~ 

This Time I Said No

I went to get my watch battery sorted at another mall today, one where I know there's a very knowledgeable watch guy who knows his shit. It was a bit expensive, but really, after all the shopping I've been doing, $15 seems like something I shouldn't be complaining about especially if it's going to only be a quarterly affair. And he's reliable, so that's what I'm paying for I suppose. 

Then it was off to my IPL hair removal thing. I haven't been back since June last year. Blame Covid. It's been like a half-yearly thing since end 2019, and Covid has made me lazy so since I didn't have too much growth I just left it till now. 

I shall have to try and make THAT a quarterly thing too. Since it's in the same mall as the battery shop, perhaps I'll just go whenever I need a new batt! 

A plan! I love a good plan that takes care of schedules for me. 

As I was stepping into the house mum was exiting her bedroom with the asshat brother's wedding picture frame in her hand. 

The fuck. 

She mentioned something about feeling bad cos when he comes to visit he always looks at the photos I have on my display unit and once she thought she heard him mention something about 'photograph' and I was all like - that's not my problem. So what are you intending to do with that?

She wanted to add it to the collection of photos. I know it's not a huge hardship. But No. I'm not going to have the photo of the person I resent the most in this world sitting on top of my display cupboard, along with photos of the people I love. 

She then said something about not being fair cos everybody else's photos are displayed. 

Nope. My niece's photo isn't there. My sister's photo isn't there. My brother in law's photo isn't there. 

She pointed to the TV cabinet where there was a pic of my and my sis (from 35 years ago) next to the telly. 

I said, you will notice that is a photo of ME and someone. Just like the other photographs I've put up there are of ME and other people. The only photos that don't have me in them are your wedding photo (well, but they're my parents so there!) and my nephew's and his wife's wedding photo - which, I pointed out, is only there cos SHE wanted it there. 

So I said, let's just solve this now. This is MY photo display. It's meant to be photos of ME. So if you want fair, then let's be fair. I took away the nephew's wedding pic and the one of me and the sister. And put them all in her room. 

We went through a whole discussion of how the asshat doesn't have any of our photos anywhere in his house and all the pics she had displayed were confined to her bedroom, so why in the holy fuck should I have his photo in MY house. 

Besides, that was meant to be co-owned - it was dad's and his house, in name, until the father signed his share over to the asshat's alien wife. So even more there should be good reason why they should get equal dibs on photo displaying rights. 

THIS however, is MY house. It's in MY name. I paid for it. ALL of it. 

Her argument was that whatever it is I shouldn't behave this way, after all he's my brother. THE FUCK. 

I said, ok, you can think I shouldn't behave or think or feel whatever way, but I do. And I don't have a problem with that. 

Everyone makes mistakes she says. Things that happened long ago... 

I cut her off. 

Number 1 - When he went to the geriatric clinic behind ALL our backs and requested for dad to be admitted into the nursing home (way before he needed one) that was NOT a mistake. 

Number 2 - When I moved out and needed a car boot to move the last bits of my personal belongings, and he said "Oh but the boxes are gonna scratch the leather and the car's so new... couldn't you ask one of your many guy friends who drive to help you?" THAT was not a mistake. 

And number 3 - When I needed him to spot me one grand during my house renovation cos a pipe had unexpectedly needed changing and the floor needed waterproofing because of it, he said he didn't have any spare cash and the credit line was for emergencies. I said I would pay the interest, of course, cos it would have taken too long for me to go and apply for one in my own name at that point - it could take up to a month to get the bank to approve a line of credit, or a fortnight, at best, and I didn't have the luxury of time! And it would take me a couple of months max to get the money back to him (cos everything else had already gone into the main renovation cost). Instead he said, "Is there someone else you can ask? Cos I'm not comfortable withdrawing from that line of credit." I proceeded to ask my cousin (somewhat close, but I mean, brother was closer at that point) who transferred the money to me within 30 seconds. No questions asked. "Keep it till you've recovered from this huge investment - I'm in no hurry to get that money back from you" he said. 

This is the cousin who had only just recently lost his job at that point. I felt bad, and eventually decided to pay him in installments so he wouldn't have to wait too long to recoup that cash. Turns out the ass who didn't want to loan me the money rang said cousin a week after he spotted me the cash to ask if he needed a loan now that he was jobless, cos he had some savings and you know, family should help family, since he was my dad's godson after all. 

My cousin laughed and said, how about you loan your sister the one grand. Then you don't have to lend me any money cos she'll be able to return the money I gave her. 

"Oh if you're ok financially then that's good, anyway if you need anything just call." And hung up. 

Did he offer me the loan? OF COURSE NOT. 

AND THAT WAS NOT A MISTAKE.

So no. I will not let her put his fucking photo in my living room. And I don't care what she thinks. I will not let her look at me in the way I know she's wont to do to make me feel guilty about hurting her feelings. Because she needs to get that she has hurt MY feeling this time.

I was supposed to meet BIKSS for dinner at 645. But I think I'm just going to have a shower and get out of the house. I REALLY DON'T wanna be here right now.

My mood pic today ~

What? New Blogger? and Going Digital

I suppose the day has arrived.

It tells me legacy blogger is still available but only till the 24th or some such thing. There's no point in reverting to the old format if it's not going to be an option forever I suppose. May as well start getting used to the new version. 

If I'm not writing as much / often you can blame the new Blogger. When I actually have to use my brain to figure out stuff I tend to do less of it. So until this interface becomes more natural to me, I might not post too many things. 

For now, just some random thoughts. I'm ripping my CDs so I can give the physical discs away and store all my music as MP3s. There is Spotify, you say. But I don't want to pay for a music service cos I'm not much of a music listener. As BIKSS puts it, I'm more of a collector. I like knowing that I have this or that piece when I need / want it. I have some of it already done from way way before... so those will be easy enough to donate... but I also have a ton of movie soundtracks / cirque du soleil albums / musicals that are staring me accusingly in the face as if to say "Well, you chose all your pop and jazz albums when you were looking for music to put on the thumb drive before - now it's OUR turn!"

The problem is that I'm fussy and obsessive right? So the details have to be accurate. Album title, song title, year, artist... that sort of thing. And sometimes digging around on the net to fill in the blanks leads me to discover there are other songs / albums that I'd like to download. And then I get distracted and the rest of the discs go back into the case till tomorrow... and tomorrow...

At least I can't say I have nothing to keep me occupied. 

It's All About the Numbers and My Skin Needs Help

No, not the Covid numbers.

The number on the scale.

I'm still battling with weight gain. Recently I've found that with the pills I'm on to regulate my period (14 days of bleeding was madness ok?) it has been REALLY easy to put on the kilos (I'm metric over her... just go with it). 

So I re-downloaded one of those calorie counting apps and started monitoring my numbers again today.

I think that with the quarantine (and slow down in general activity), aside from scheduled walks, sitting at home on me arse in front of the lappy (watching tv) has been detrimental to my body's metabolism. It's probably slower now with the lack of activity, plus the reduction in calories burned from NOT moving as much, and the ease of weight gain helped by the hormones. And ta da - I'm 3kg heavier today than my usual weight.

IT'S DISGUSTING. Try as I might over the last week (ok, well, some days of the week) I haven't been able to keep it down... it'll drop then go back up the minute I have a Kit Kat ... or pop corn... or some chips... 

Yes yes, it doesn't take a genius to see where all the extra weight is coming from - but in my defence, I haven't been snacking more than usual (ie. pre-quarantine), so I suspect it's all the factors (mentioned above) put together that have changed the way my body's dealing with the calories, even tho I may not exactly be eating more nor differently than before.

Which means... it's time to shock the system back into some semblance of efficiency. 

And becase I love numbers, I took a look at some of the stats from my walk last night - 

Every 10 mins I manage about 1100 steps. For my weight and height that works out to 35-40 calories burned. This means a 40 min walk takes care of about 150 cals. And an hour's walk is about 225 cals. That's a handful of nuts, or a bowl of chips. Or a 1.5oz / 42g KitKat bar. Or 3 cups of oil popped popcorn with minimal butter and salt. 

Speaking of which - I popped my own corn yesterday (heh.. fine fine... don't judge) for the first time in my life. I thought it was rather an accomplishment that I didn't burn any of it. Hurrah!

And no, I didn't eat all of that. I had slightly less than half. Mum and the helper had the rest. 

The other thing I've taken to doing is sticking a facial mask on every other day. For some reason when I'm home a lot I don't put as much stuff on my face as when I am out and about. Serums, sunblock, moisturizers etc all take a back seat... and after last week's sick leave where I basically just slothed in PJs all day for 3 days (and nights), my face took a hit from the eat - shower - bed - eat - shower - bed routine. No creams, no lotions, no nothing.

And so I went and got a box of Double Moisturizing Power!! facial masks (that's what it claims) and stuck them on. I must say, it has helped. My skin feels somewhat normal again. =)

Ah this Covid is sure bringing with it a lot of changes, besides the obvious ones... have you been affected in a way that you didn't expect? Let me know in the comments! It'll be interesting to hear about any challenges you might be unexpectedly facing as well!

FFF 2.0 - 14 & Food from Faraway & FINALLY GOOD NEWS

Now that the sexcapade is over, I can show you the goodies BIKSS got me.

Anyone who's been to Ho Chi Minh will know that cashews are sold everywhere. I like that they've got some of the skin left on, altho many websites will tell you not to eat the skin cos of the resin which might cause gastrointestinal discomfort. But I'm convinced these are done in a way that renders them safe for consumption because I've had these "skin-on" cashews many many many times now, and it has never upset my tummy. The ones he got me are lightly salted and great for munching  on while writing posts - like I'm doing now. Nom nom nom.

Are they good for you? Yes. As with all foods  - too much is never a good thing. But in moderation, cashews pack a solid punch in terms of minerals and vitamins.

In the basement of one of the malls lives a bakery which sells these wafer things, topped with either almond flakes or sunflower seeds. I tried the sunflower ones last time we were there and it was really yummy so I asked BIKSS if he would get more for me. He did. 5 packs of the stuff. But along with that I got an almond one to try too. Alas, my loyalty to the sunflower wafer isn't as strong as it should be. The almond one is now my new favourite snack! And the thing I like best about it is how generous they are with the toppings!

Well after all that food, it is time to update everyone with this week's numbers. 

I've been at the high end of my usual weight range, but I suspect that's to do with not eating enough oats and therefore not pooping right for about 3 days now. I've finally managed a regular smooth poop and I think things will begin to move along just fine from now : )

Did you know there is a legit poop chart? I'm not going to paste the image here in case well, some of you are sensitive to that kind of thing. But click the link and it'll take you right to the wiki entry. 

Here are my numbers :

Average: 9,690 steps
Highest no : 13,919 steps
No of >10k steps days : 3

**The ROZ Update:

From last Sat to today I have done my exercises 4 days plus the stairs at work daily.


 **The OLIVIA Update:

Self-care : Stepping up, stepping out, and stepping forward!

And last but not least in this week's update - we just got word *like right now as I was writing this* that we managed to get an extension on the interim caregiver service (provided by the state / hospital) until the permanent caregiver arrives in 6 weeks' time. 

I'm hoping that there will be SOME overlap so that the current one can teach the new arrival everything, as well as create a sense of continuity so as not to raise the brother's suspicions as to where we got the new caregiver - we have two options here : live-in domestic helpers (24 hours) and day-time only caregivers (12 hours). And with the live-in domestic helpers we had in the past, the asshats took advantage of them and asked them to help out with chores around the house, bribing them with all sorts of treats. They would then feel bad if they didn't help out, but it really wasn't part of their job! And the mother wasn't helping either cos she's so afraid her stupid son will get mad at her.  I don't want that happening again, so even tho the new one WILL still be a live-in domestic helper (as far as the paperwork is concerned), I'm telling them all that she's an elder-caregiver and have her report to work at the parents' place during the day, but come back to my place to sleep nights.

And if the one we have which is provided by the state/hospital stays on till the new one arrives, it will just seem as if she's been replaced by the service provider for reasons unknown to us.

I've told mum to just feign ignorance and say she doesn't know anything, and that as far as she's concerned I've found a permanent daytime-only elder-caregiver.

OK, I realise this is all very complicated if you're not familiar with the system here, but suffice it to say this is all very good news and it's extremely welcome because this was like my last hope.

If this plan doesn't work then, well, I don't really wanna think about it. All I know is I NEED THIS TO WORK!

Thank you for all your kind emails and positive thoughts and virtual hugs. I appreciate them all. If you're the praying type, please (continue to) keep my parents in your prayers that this arrangement will stick and we won't have to resort to extreme measures (read: nursing homes).

Essentially Me

I couldn't think of a better title. 

The update this week - I've been thinking about doing a course right? So I spoke to a friend about my life, work, money etc. And I came home after that and thought about some of the points we discussed. I decided that I might talk to my BIG boss (not the usual one whom I work with regularly) about the possibility of an aromatherapy section in his practice. 

Long story short, he was keen, he even sent me a link to the local centre for this sort of certification, and offered to speak to his marketing team. ONLY, as the conversation went on, it became apparent that he had NO clue how to do any of this. He asked for me to get certified (on my own account) then think about who my audience is, how to sell to them, what to sell to them, and how to retain my customers. Also, let him know what I think my USP (unique selling point) is and how I intend to market that. Not WE, not LET'S, not US - but ME. 

Heck, if I wanted to market myself, after paying my own way thru aromatherapy school, why would I do it at your clinic - and sell your brand of oils (which I think is way overpriced) - when I could think up the marketing strategy myself, go into business for myself, and sell the brand of oils I think will fly off the shelves more quickly at half the price of yours (for 5 times the volume, might I add!)? Then ALL of the profit would be mine. 

Anyway, I spoke to my regular boss when he came back from leave and told him what had transpired. He's not convinced the BIG boss knows anything about this business so he's kinda making use of my ideas to churn more money for the clinic. Yeah. No. Besides, I told him, we HAVE a marketing team. Isn't it THEIR job to figure this out? 

So I said, please don't think that I'm all talk and no action. I'm just choosing NOT to move forward on this WITH the clinic. If I do decide to get certified and do a side business involving essential oils, you can be sure it will NOT be under the clinic's umbrella. 

My boss was perfectly fine with that. 

In the meantime I'm looking at some brands and have already begun to resell some items. It's a pretty good margin, and my bff who was also my business partner on a couple of small ventures seems to think it's a viable model. I've already sold 4 oil kits (each kit is a set of 4 10ml bottles containing different essential oils) and one individual oil to 3 different people in the last few days. 

I'm in the process of working out how to get "wholesale" prices from 3 of the brands I've looked at, and will be taking a closer look at some of the others that are available on the market. 

Meanwhile, I've started compiling a product information catalogue, and that has kept me busy this week, mostly. 

Well, that, and a horrid muscle pull in my neck all the way down to my shoulder blade. I'm on NSAIDS at the moment - yes, I caved and took some yesterday. My boss thinks I should take them consistently for a couple of days instead of only when I feel the pain is "debilitating" - too dramatic?

So that's it for now. It's exciting, albeit overwhelming at times! But we'll see. It helps that Daddy's behind me all the way on this!

Last Week Was Madness

The beginning of the week was a bit slow... getting back to work was tedious after the long CNY weekend and to make things worse BIKSS didn't get to take me to work in the mornings on Mon and Tue cos he was off work on Monday and I think Tuesday I had to be in extra early so the timing didn't quite match up. He did have Tuesday off as well so he came to get me after my work and we had lunch at a nearby Dim Sum place that I enjoy!

Yes, we eat other things besides Sashimi :)

I think this was the day of the nipple clamp calamity, but after that all was sunny and bright again and we headed out to run some errands (for me, not for him).

Mid week was spent dealing with trying to find a solution to a dry-wood termite infestation. Yes, you heard that right. There were bugs. Flying. Crawling. Alive. Dead. All around. Wood shavings in a pile on the floor. In my kitchen. I was freaking out. But I have a really good friend in pest control so he came round to take a look and got some dead bug samples to take back to the office. The technicians confirmed his thoughts the next day - I need to get my kitchen cupboard wood treated. So we're going to have to remove EVERYTHING inside them, poke some holes in the back panels and strip away some of the laminate then infuse the wood with potent shit that will hopefully kill the lot of them. 

I'm NOT looking forward to it. It will take at least a week (follow up will happen a week from the treatment day) and if need be a second application will be carried out and then another follow up the week after. After which I will probably have to paint the exposed bits (or else it would just look crappy and I'm told the paint would provide an extra chemical layer over some portions of the wood at least), before I can shove all the stuff back into the cupboards. I have 14 doors worth of cabinets. That's a LOT of junk. 

I'm already deciding what I'll be keeping and what I won't. 

I may as well declutter while I'm removing all the contents - they have to sit outside somewhere for a month. A whole month. Sigh. 

I've also had to deal with my father not wanting to attend his eldercare centre daily. So on the days he doesn't go (we've worked out a schedule) I've "ordered" an elder sitter to come by and take him out on the wheelchair and talk to him and just basically help keep him engaged for 3 hours in the afternoons. 

Now I'm a little concerned because I hear from mum that he's not thrilled by the idea of "a man coming" to sit with him. I told mum to tell him that this dude is my friend who does this for a living and I'm trying to "help" by giving him an extra client. I hope it works. 

My social worker has also informed me that she is leaving the hospital where we get my parents' healthcare taken care of. The hospital has a social services arm that helps eligible patients get grants and funding from various government or gov-affiliated agencies, and she has been totally the best in helping me fill out all the paperwork. Because of her we've got subsidised doctor visits (yes even at private clinics - and yes, even for ME), $300 in monthly grants, and subsidised rates for my father's elder care centre and mum's weekly physiotherapy sessions. 

I am a little anxious about who the next person is who will be taking over my case. She did say she was calling to tell me that we could now "officially be friends" since we won't be involved in a professional capacity anymore. Which I thought was totally sweet of her. I told my bff and she thinks she might be gay and hitting on me. I'm getting a similar vibe too - and we've already made plans to have coffee next week as her last day at work will be this Friday. 

Too funny. But I needed that amusement this week cos it's been a rather stressful one in general - belligerent father, stressed out mum (because of said father), termites and uncertainty about the future of our healthcare/medical issues assistance. 

I wish things didn't all happen in the same week, but at least I can't look back on my life and say it was boring!

Have a good week ahead everyone!

The Spankiness of BIKSS

I'm sitting here with a sore butt. This is day 3. He has spanked me SERIOUSLY for 3 days in a row now. 

Why? Because. Because he can. Because he had the time to. Because we had privacy. Because I needed it. 

Day one was with his belt. Day two with the Christmas paddle. Today he used his belt again. 

It's like I've struck the lottery. 

But I was curious. I've always said I wanted MORE. Longer. Harder. More intense and intentional. And now here it is. 

We talked about his newfound passion for spanking me. 

In the past it used to be more "playful" - a little bit of smacking about (they still hurt, don't get me wrong) more as a prelude to sex than as an exercise in itself. 

These days tho, the spanking seems to be the main event, and the sex that follows, an opportune bonus.

This is BIKSS' logic - when he's Daddy or when he's himself at work out there in the non-kink world, his two selves are largely overlapping. He is in control, makes decisions, bears responsibility, and takes charge of situations. 

When *I'm* out there in the real non-kink world, I'm all that too. BUT when I'm with BIKSS I desire to be the opposite of who I am when I'm NOT with him. And it takes some doing for me to turn myself inside out. 

He feels that these serious spankings help me get there, and stay there. The sexy D/s is wonderful *during* sex - the hand wrapped around my throat, choking on his cock, the hair grabbing, the face-slapping even. I definitely get turned on; I feel submissive almost straightaway, and we have a great time being who we are to each other in the cuddling sessions afterwards. But once he's out the door and I'm ready for bed I'm back to being the bossy-bitchy me. That's the me that needs to be tough and strong and all-set to face the big ugly world again. In other words, short-lived submission.

These three days of  'proper' spankings have had a different effect on me, a longer residual submissiveness, even when we're apart, when I'm at work, when I'm doing my own thing. Sure I'm still bossy-bitchy me to the world around me, but almost without effort when I'm texting BIKSS or even just thinking about him, I switch back to a submissive mindfulness.

And, he says, that's why he's been serious about my spankings recently. I am made up of both sides - Strong Me and Sub Me. And he reckons I need the space to let Sub Me come out, and possibly stay out. I'm inclined to agree. 

"You need the opportunity to be submissive," is what he said, I think. I may be paraphrasing. And these longer, more serious, spankings seem to be doing a good job of it. I feel more balanced. Less unhinged. Not as lopsided as I've sometimes felt before - where I'm constantly yearning for more submission. 

It might shift at a later date, but for now, I think we've found my equilibrium. 

Taking Charge

Money's been a little tight since my trip to Aussieland. And my students pay me quarterly so I don't get a decent paycheque till next month. 

Recently I've been watching what I spend on by way of groceries, but that's not too stressful cos I mostly eat veggies anyway, and those tend to be cheap-ish. 

Those of you who know my situation will remember that BIKSS doesn't feature much in the day to day of real life, ie I sort out my own finances and make my own decisions about work and the house and other things. 

But on the most recent trip to the supermarket BIKSS wanted to pick up some stuff for himself too, a couple of items, nothing much, whereas I had a ton of stuff. OK, maybe not a ton, but considerably more than BIKSS had. 

He passed me a $50 and said he'd pay for everything. I said it was ok, I could handle it, but he insisted in that Daddy way that left no room for negotiation. So I just went along with it. 

Doesn't that look comfy?

And then today we were thinking about booking movie tickets for tomorrow afternoon cos he has the afternoon off for us to spend some time together (he wants to watch Independence Day and so do I). Now usually we either just go to the cinema and buy tickets there and then, or else I'm the one looking up the bookings and getting the tickets online. And since I had some time when I woke up I asked him which cinema he wanted to go to and whether we wanted to get regular seats or the more comfy (read: more expensive) plush seats. There are all sorts of different types these days, they even have couple seats with "more leg room and privacy and removable arm rests", then there's a "business class" type where it's more like a chaise than a seat... where you can stretch out your legs on a recliner and they provide you with a blankie and even have in-cinema dining! 

Anyway, he said he would look at it and make the booking! 

It's nothing particularly momentous to crow about, I know, but given that it doesn't follow the usual pattern, I was just taken by surprise, and I admit, am feeling rather impressed by his "take-charge" attitude. 

Well, I'm not complaining. :)

Over Time

When I first started blogging it was because TTWD was so new to us that I needed some security in knowing what I was doing wasn't entirely insane. 

Over time I have found my own footing, we've worked out our own dynamic, and even tho our style of TTWD may evolve we're comfortable in our kinky skin enough to be able to navigate the changes, acknowledge and discuss them, and then move forward - hopefully leaving the stuff that doesn't work behind, and only going on with the stuff that does!

In the past I wrote a lot about dilemmas, I asked, I wondered, I pondered, and needed direction. 

The people who commented wrote plenty helpful stuff. And then I hit a plateau. I didn't need them anymore. The comments that is, the ones that would validate me. I didn't need them because I grew into this lifestyle and we became secure in our roles, we understood, and got it! (That doesn't mean I don't enjoy reading comments... I DO! I just didn't depend on them for answers!)

And then the writing changed. Now I'm mostly sex-blogging. And I wonder if this is what I want to do - have my Monday night dates then write about the sex we had. 

I took a look around and figured there were a few different types of blogs - 

1) The Beginner - what is wrong with me / am I doing this right / I need to know I'm not alone

2) The Working-It-Out - submission is hard / the problems I'm facing (includes HoHs who aren't quite on board with the programme) / I'm really trying to be a good wife / Dom-less or sub-less at the moment

3) The All-Sorted-Out-And-Happy-With-The-Way-Things-Are-Working - this bunch consists of a few categories (some of which skipped 1 and 2 and ended up straight here):

i) the authors - who either have published books, or write and share their short stories

ii) the sex reporters - who are great to read when one needs a mid-day kick

iii) the sharers of pics and quotes and other blogs - who are generally just connectors and fab resources for not-so-personal TTWD / DD / Spanko stuff. 

I think I'm in the sex reporter zone at the moment.... what about you? 

To the younger / newer readers of my blog, is there something you'd like to know that my older followers have all pretty much gotten sick of reading about? To my older blogfriends, is there something you'd like to know that I haven't grumbled about to death yet? 

I've effectively run out of interesting stuff to say. My brain isn't in my blog right now. So ask me something, ANYTHING - it's open season on FA.

High

I get high from the lack of oxygen when your arms are wrapped around my throat.

From hearing you say "My Girl"

When you make that satisfied Mmmm sound as you wrap your arms around me and I lie in you. 

You send me flying with your kisses, with your tongue searching out mine. 

We have changed, both of us. 

you talk more. i question less.

you enjoy my submission more readily. i trust your motivations for doing so.

you have learnt more of my ways. i have come to understand yours.

you have broken down your own walls... while supporting me as i break down mine. 

I am high on you. And I know you are high on me too.

A New Rule and other Decisions

OK, it's official. He has now decided, because I'm hopeless about it otherwise, that bedtime is now a rule - 3am, with half an hour's grace. And I'm to be ASLEEP too - not just IN BED (and presumably rolling about with a book or an iphone game in hand).

This is very fair, I think. Any earlier and I'll probably wake up too early to make it through my last class properly (I usually end at 9). This isn't a new problem. For a while there he would remind me, and I would do it. But on the days he didn't tell me to get to bed early, I'd just stay up and fold the laundry and watch my movies and catch up on these highly addictive TV series - you know the ones... Leverage... White Collar... Merlin... I could go on and on.  

"What brought this on?" you might ask.  Um, well, I texted him this morning when I woke up at 10am. I had people coming over for lunch today so there was some light cooking to be done. And I was grouchy and complaining that I was feeling crazy tired. I knew he was gonna ask the moment I said that. 

What time did you sleep?

630

(he sends me an emote: the sideways-glance-unhappy-with-you-down-turned-mouth one)

What happened to 3?

What happened to 3? What's 3? 

Sleeping at 3.

I know what you mean... but I didn't know we set me a time. Did we?

(Ok, you caught me. Pfft. This whole exchange was just me playing at being innocent and ignorant and clueless. I never thought I'd be guilty of such a crime. Clearly I was wrong.)

No, but you KNOW sleeping late makes you tired (yes he CAPS-ed it!)

---Then there was some chit chat here about how it looked like I was getting better at going to bed earlier, and how I'd been doing a good job these last few months and of my own accord too, I admitted it was probably because when he says goodnight before he heads off to bed he'll say something like "don't sleep too late", or he'll ask me what time I'm planning to go to bed and that sort of makes me feel like I have to do it, cos I've committed to it. BUT when he doesn't ask or remind me, it all goes to hell. 

Just as sleeping late is bad for me, it's bad for you too. 

(On some days he has to be up by 530 so the night before I'll usually remind him when it's about 1am that he has to be up earlier than usual, and he'd better get to sleep.)

I'd much rather have you sleep early and wake up earlier - gives you more time to do stuff and doesn't screw with your sleep cycle, like when you have to wake up early for whatever.

Sigh, yeah. Like weekends, when I have to wake up early.

Or any other weekday when you have something to do.

(like today... he didn't say it, but I heard it!)

Is there anything you absolutely MUST do past 3 in the morning? 

no...I can sleep before 3...

Then it's a rule. Sleep before 3. With 30 mins leeway. So 3.30 latest - and not just in bed.

(Maybe if he were HERE to spank me and send me to bed, I'd be less reticent about sleeping earlier every night.)

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In other news, since my hair is no longer curly, but is, instead, long and straight, and in the wake of the recent post about ponytails and hair grabbing in public, PLUS his new-found expertise in using my hair as a handle when fucking my mouth, I asked him (very submissively) if I should now wear my hair in a ponytail when we go out, so that he has ready access to hair-tugging. 

No prizes for guessing his answer. Will update the Definitions page soon. 

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Personal decisions :

1) I'm quite done with alcohol - aside from the wine we have together. I think it's safe to say I'm giving up on whiskey. I had some last Saturday - one of my favourite ones too - Famous Grouse - and halfway thru my glass I felt a little sick and trying to finish it became a bit of a chore. So yeah. I haven't drunk in so long that I think I'm losing my taste for it. 

2) Be more vigilant with my skin care regime. He shouldn't have to settle for kissing sandpaper when he can have silken tofu. (He swears there's nothing wrong with my skin, but I KNOW DIFFERENT - I can feel it!)

3) Ask BIKSS how he would feel about my kneeling when we meet instead of just before he leaves. I think it would help both of us get into the zone much more easily. (I only put it down here cos I know he reads this blog, and I kept forgetting to mention it to him today!)

Right....