Travel Plans, Neuroses and Resolution Keeping

The Most Recent Thing to upset me is that BIKSS is going away on a play trip (as opposed to a work trip) at the end of March and I found out in the most disastrous way. 

Background - I have separation anxiety, adjustment disorder, and abandonment issues. I'm not proud of it or anything, it's not like I WANT to collect disorders, but these are all things that I've been in therapy for. And while I can function and survive in the normal world most of the time, sometimes it takes a bit of doing for me to haul my crushed and fractured soul off the ground and get it back in the realm of the living when something comes at me out of nowhere. 

Dramatic, much? Yes. On a regular day with a sane mind, I would agree. But that is exactly what it feels like when a thing comes flying my way and hits me square in the face. Reason and logic? What? No where to be found.

Anyway we talked (MANY TALKS) about it, and by now I'm feeling ok again. However, moving forward, there are some things that I will have to do to cope and compensate for such unplanned out-of-town trips tho, the most obvious being PLAN MY OWN out-of-town trips. And on his part, TELL ME WITH A BIT OF SENSITIVITY. Ahem. Moving on... the rest of the Plan.

If he's to travel more this year, being my 'leave the country every month year' and all, then the original plan was that I would tag along on his work trips. But if his trips are gonna be last minute and clash with my work schedule / cost too much in airfare / coincide with my periods guaranteeing NO ONE has a good time, then I would rather not go. (Which is what happened the last BKK trip he took - it was short notice and the flights were almost $500 return and it was period week. Plus my colleague was on leave the Monday that he was to fly off, meaning I couldn't get time off till Tuesday, shortening an already short trip. As for this upcoming play trip to HKG with the fellas - he suggested I come up and join him for a couple of days after the match, but $700 is NOT a price I'm willing to pay for a 2 day tag-on.) 

In all likelihood I'd have to beat the last-minute-high-priced-ticket situation by booking my own cheap-ass-on-promo tickets early. With other people. In order to keep my New Year's resolution (leave the country every month.... let's not lose sight of this!)

Which then means that by the time he CAN confirm a work trip I might already have used up whatever vacation days that month for my own travel plans. And that leaves us no better off in the "travel together" department. 

To address the issue we have decided that :

1) If tickets are too pricey for my cheap ass to hand over good money for,  but are within a range HE thinks is acceptable, and he's willing to pay for them, then I might go. (It took some convincing cos I'm not one to spend $400 on something that can be got for $200 you know? However since CHEAP is dependent on having "advance notice" and that's not going to be likely in most cases, I suppose something's got to give.) 

TO BE FAIR - he did offer. I would say "I'm not paying XXX for a ticket to YYY just to hang out with you for 3 days... it's too expensive!" and he would say "Then what about if I  paid for it?" And I would gasp in horror because WHOEVER paid for it, it's still too expensive. 

But ok. If the purpose is to vacay together on his short work trips and we'd be saving on hotel anyway, and he's willing to sponsor the ticket, then fine. (I also have a LOUSY relationship with money... I am aware, and I am working on it.)

And 

2) He'll try and plan in advance as much as possible, wherever and whenever he can. I'm not hopeful about this second one. But we'll see. 

Meanwhile, I've decided instead of sitting around and being depressed when he's in HKG I'm going to grab CG1 and my sister and we're going to hop onto a bus to Malacca for 3 days. We booked the tickets yesterday! Whoop!

There's also a legit teaching holiday at the end of April (I usually teach on Saturdays and it would be waste to let a free Saturday go by without doing something!) so the sister has booked me for a trip to Genting Highlands to enjoy the cool weather - and roam the Genting Premium Outlets. She's been, I haven't. I don't think I've been to Genting in at least 10 years, which is a shame cos they've made so many improvements to the space. 

So far I've left the country every month... my resolution looks like it's firmly on track. The plan to travel with BIKSS on his work trips... well, not so much. But we're only a quarter way into the year... so there is hope yet!

The Trouble with Men

Is that they screw up. And then what am I left with? A broken heart? Nay. An unsafe one. That's the outcome of our most recent squabble. He did a stupid thing. A repeated stupid thing. One that I've already worked out a solution for, but would he do me the favour of just doing it the way I've asked? Nope. Cos in his head his way MAY still be the better way. Perhaps this time his way will work. Well it wasn't, it didn't, and a massive screw up followed. 

That's been sorted by now. But for the first time in a decade, I told him, my heart felt unsafe. How do I know this isn't going to happen again? It's happened before and it happened again, despite his saying in the past it wouldn't. Am I to be resigned to a rinse and repeat situation for the rest of my life?

Long story short, he assures me that it won't happen again, perhaps because this is the first time I've ever said I don't feel safe anymore. And that made him sit up. So we'll see. Do I wish it didn't have to come to that? Yes. But it did. So it did.

But this is just to say that the same shit can happen again and again, and with each working out of the mess that ensues, something may change. Sometimes a big thing. Sometimes a small one. But we just keep moving forward. That's all we can do. 

And just cause you've sorted out a mess, it doesn't mean it won't happen again. Frustrating, but true. 

Meanwhile, here are pictures of our most recent dinners - because what else can I write about on this non-R-rated blog. Pfft. 

Fried yam ring with scallop in the middle. 

Various dim sum dishes. 

This was had at a dim sum restaurant that was offering its bestsellers at 50% off as part of their anniversary special. Who doesn't love 50% off dim sum?!

Doesn't look like much but this butter chicken shakshuka was very delicious! 

Thats a wagyu burger. I think waygu is wasted on a burger. 

This was had last week when I was in town to see my jeweller. We looked for a quiet-ish restaurant because it was a Friday and the masses were out and about. The crowd was ridiculous. Ended up at a farm to table Australian place. Not bad, but very expensive.

Barramundi with a side of lotus root and artichoke. Soaked and baked in a medley of Mediterranean flavours, olives and all.

A friend recommended the pancake stack but the dessert version sounded way too sweet for my liking. We ordered the fish and chips with pancakes instead. I really liked the maple syrup. 

I'm going to sign off abruptly now because Blogger seems to be editing my words. Like I'll type something and then it'll just change magically to some other word. So before I lose the entire post, I shall take my leave.

Birthday and Tensions and Thai Series plus My Dryer Died

It's mama's 89th today. We got cake on the way to the laundromat cos my dryer decided to quit on me today. 

I'm shopping around for a replacement cos it's really not worth the effort time and money to get it repaired. 

She wasn't in the greatest mood, but was able to cut her cake on her own. I had to blow out her candle for her tho.

Then in classic food-coma style she fell asleep mid-way through her blackforest slice LOL. 

I don't blame her. 

Sister and niece dropped in (supposed to have been AFTER lunch) but turns out they didn't get a chance to grab anything so I chucked some rescued chicken thighs into the microwave and popped some rescued (frozen!) seafood chowder into a pot to thaw and heat. Sprinkle some dried parsley and stick a dollop of artichoke pesto on the side with some hurriedly done soy sauce eggplant and you've got yourself a relatively low-carb meal. Oh and pickled onions for some zing!

I've been watching a couple of Thai TV Series. It's my mid-life crisis I told BIKSS. The boys are young and cute and fresh-faced. 

It's the most recent version of a story based on the original manga Boys Over Flowers which started in Japan in 1992. The thing was so popular it became an audio drama, feature film, animated series, and then TV series in Taiwan then Japan then South Korea then China, and now, Thailand. 

And I'm only watching it cos I like two of the actors whom I watched in a Yaoi (Boys' Love) series called 2gether. Basically, sweet flirty boy-on-boy fiction written by girls for girls. 

The guy in brown is Burberry's current brand ambassador.

The official description of Yaoi according to wiki - 

Yaoi (/ˈjaʊi/; Japanese: やおい [ja.o.i]), also known by the wasei-eigo construction boys' love (ボーイズ ラブ, bōizu rabu) and its abbreviation BL (ビーエル, bīeru), is a genre of fictional media originating in Japan that features homoerotic relationships between male characters. It is typically created by women for women and is distinct from homoerotic media marketed to gay men, but it does also attract a male audience and can be produced by male creators. It spans a wide range of media, including manga, anime, drama CDs, novels, video games, television series, films, fan works and services. "Boys' love" and "BL" are the generic terms for this kind of media in Japan and much of Asia; though the terms are used by some fans and commentators in the West, yaoi remains more generally prevalent in English.

Now that we've all learned something new, I can move on. 

We got into a thing last night and BIKSS made me cry. OK, I cried because I think my hormones are in flux - trying out a new pill - and we were both sleepy. I asked him something. He misunderstood the question. I tried illustrating what I meant and each time the response just got more and more annoying. 

I was upset and left the room to go smoke in the kitchen. He got dressed and came after me. At that point, to be honest, I wasn't certain that he would. And all I could think was "What if he doesn't? What if he gets changed and leaves quietly thinking I didn't want to talk to him and wanted to be left alone?" And that's when I cried. 

I mean, there was a time in our past when he didn't get that I needed the big bear-daddy hugs when I felt upset. Even if the upset was at him. I'm glad he remembered. And I'm glad he forced me into his hugspace. 

And now almost all is right with the world. Mum made it to 89. I have free food for a few days at least. But tomorrow I shall have to deal with getting a new dryer. 

For now, F4. 

Today's chip pic - these are the chips I'm currently munching on :

It's Been a Slow and Tedious Week

I squirted some Vit C serum on my tee shirt the ONE day I decide to wear white. So that caused a bit of a delay getting to work. 

Mum woke up at 4 one morning and decided to go to the market! We had a bit of a tussle and I took a day off work cos I was groggy beyond belief. 

BIKSS and I had a fight about something and that didn't help my mood or ability to concentrate on anything either. Thankfully that's over now and he's apologised and made reparations. Still, we haven't had a chance to meet this week cos one of his staff tested positive and I'm not going to take the risk. 

I went for my IPL treatment and left my lunch bag on their counter. I only realised when I got home so I had to make a trip out again to go pick it up. 

I needed a massage so I rang my usual place. When I got there I was told by the proprietor that the usual masseuse wasn't available but they had set me up with a new guy. 1) I have told them before that I didn't want a new person, and not a guy, and have cancelled TWICE before when I was told my usual masseuse was unavailable. So it's not like they don't know. 2) Why didn't they tell me over the phone when I booked the appointment? Anyway, since I didn't specify this time, I let it go, and decided to just go ahead with it. 

He was all proper and above board, nothing bad to say about the session. BUT when it was over I realised that I wasn't able to relax the whole time for being vigilant and on my guard. AND I woke up with an even worse ache down my neck and shoulders the next day. 

So thanks but no thanks. I think I'm just going to quit this place and go back to the alternative spa I sometimes go to one block down. They're a little more expensive but at leat I won't feel like my preferences are being ignored. 

In good news, the Kailan seedlings are growing. 

And the euphorbia my cousin brought to me during CNY is starting to put out some blooms too!

The curry plant above it is also growing well, and I'm getting continuous blooms from the hibiscus mum bought before CNY. So it's all good outside my kitchen window. 

Today's chip pic ~ I could do with some truffle fries right about now.

Dinner and Bakes and My Pissy State of Mind

It wasn't the greatest of dinner dates. I was in a state. Suffice it to say the mother situation isn't helping the stay-home-cos-Covid thing, and the Covid thing isn't helping the mother's-got-dementia situation. Plus once in a while the BIKSS' situation thing upsets my mood. So there I was, getting into the car and chancing upon some information that irritated me. I am also likely to be PMS-ing. Plus the year end cool seems to be eluding us this year. Temperatures are still at an all time high of 35°C. It's quite annoying. And that's putting it mildly. 

So anyway, we went and had dinner. 

Parmesan wings. The spicy dip was very spicy.

A side salad that was surprisingly delicious. They do a good dressing.

Sautéed shrooms. Not overcooked. Mildly flavoured. I approve.

Fish and chips. I don't like big chips. I like shoestring fries. But these were edible. 

The batter on the fish was crispy and at least cooked through. 

I can't believe how many times I've eaten this sort of battered fish where 

the inside portions were still uncooked!

After that we went to pick up some chips and oat milk mocha from the plant-mama who had an excess of stock. And then I came home and slept. It seems sleeping is the only thing I find reasonably acceptable these days. I won't even say it's enjoyable. Just least likely to cause any grief since I'm unconscious.

This morning the caregiver's PCR test came out negative so that's SOME good news. She had a scratchy throat and a contact of hers whom she met last Thursday turned out positive, so that was weighing on my mind too. 

The mother keeps alluding to going home. I don't know where she thinks home is cos she can't name the location nor describe what it looks like. She mentions the people at home waiting for her. But can't say who those people are specifically. I've about given up trying to convince her that her home is here. Wait. I haven't about given up. I have given up. Now I just say, ok, when you're well you can go but for now your meds and plasters are here so you'll just be staying here for a while more. And then 2 minutes later she says something again. Rinse and repeat. 

I want my life to be more than just rinse and repeat. With mum. With BIKSS. With Covid. Measures ease. Measures tighten. We can dine out. We can't dine out. We can have visitors. We can't have visitors. 

Dealing with the mother's dementia is way more exhausting than when I was dealing with my late father's. 

Today I took a day off work to bake. At least the keto fruit cakes turned out looking decent. 

IN comparison, the day before we went for a walk, and after the walk BIKSS came up to collect his plants which I deemed ready for his work desk. Given that the ZZ is such a slow grower, I was surprised to see that a little shoot had already begun poking out of the soil. 

On the way up I asked him if he wanted a quickie. He said yes. So we did. That was what... the first time we had sex in months, I think. 3 months? Possibly. I am finding the current state of affairs to be extremely ridiculous. 

My mood pic today ~  I gave my hearts from Tab for a Cause to Give Directly. This was the response page. At least SOMEONE's benefiting from SOMETHING today. Pfft. Hopefully the next time I write something here my mood'll be better. Cause right now the only thing that's floating around in my brain is "What's the Fucking Point of all this?"

We Went to Dinner and It Wasn't Great

First, I had had a crappy busy week. The kind of week where you keep wondering why it's taking so long to get to Friday. 

I had back to back lessons on Monday cos I needed Tuesday free to take mum to the doc. Wednesday was the visit to the columbarium. I needed to get supplies on Thursday. And FINALLY it was Friday. 

In the past I recall weeks that had gone by in a flash - especially when I had a full schedule - but this time it just bloody dragged on and on. 

Still, I needed to pick up some free rescue stuff and get to a pharmacy for a syrup for mum, so BIKSS got me (after I fed mum an early dinner) and off we went. 

To a place that we'd been to MANY times in the past. Where we could count on great service, friendly smiles, and reliable food. 

But it wasn't. 

EVERYTHING WAS TOO SALTY. 

The salad was salty. The spicy prawns were salty. I could eat none of it. BIKSS said, let's wait for the fish. He was quite happy to eat the stuff - it's a little more salty than usual, he said, but still edible. 

No, it wasn't. It wasn't edible. 

He maintained that it's cos I have a low threshold. But that's not it either. I know I can (and do, at home anyway) eat unsalted food with no problem. But I am fully aware of what is considered a "regular" amount of salt when it comes to store-bought, restaurant-cooked meals. I eat normal food at normal places too, do I not? And I don't complain about the salt level in there, even tho I would also be fine with much less. 

"Let's wait for the fish," he suggested. It was fine except the skin tasted like a sheet of salt.

BIKSS suggested eating the fish and chucking out the skin but I was having none of it. Why would I give up eating the best part (to me) of a grilled salmon just cause the chef can't cook. 

So he called the waitress over, told her about it, and she apologised and took the prawns and fish away. 

She wanted to change them both, and at first BIKSS said it wasn't necessary to change the prawns but I said no, let's change it. After all, it was good gravy, and I didn't get to eat ANY of it. And we're still gonna have to pay for everything anyway. 

So she brought us new prawns. It was much better. 

And the fish? The mash tasted fine. The flesh of the salmon and gravy too. 

"Let's see if the skin is any better." 

I flipped the chunk of salmon over. 

There was no skin. Le sigh. 

BIKSS laughed. But I was just like whatever. It wasn't a good dinner date. And I wanted to get on with the rest of the errands for the evening (friend wanted to come by to pick something up but I was afraid we wouldn't be back in time so I offered to drop it off at her place on the way home  - she lives very close by.)

I decided I wanted more donuts. So we got donuts. And then friend mentioned that she's now dreaming of donuts. So BIKSS stopped the car and I went and got 2 more donuts for her. 

And then we almost drove into a carpark but BIKSS noticed it didn't have her block number on the sign, so we turned out again. Then I gave BIKSS wrong directions so he had to make another u-turn to get to said friend's house. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I'm writing this I can't help but wonder if this is an accurate depiction of life right now. Mine, at any rate, if not everyone's.

Things you think you know, that you are sure of, are suddenly not a certainty anymore. 

Things you've come to expect and depend on no longer can be counted on. 

Something that you've been looking forward to that you KNOW will be comforting and satisfying is now the thing that's causing you to be unhappy.

Things that in small quantities can add spice and flavour to your life suddenly get chucked upon you in too-large quantities and overpower you. 

Plans that start out simple end up getting changed a million times until it doesn't look anything like the original anymore. 

You think you know where you're going, you can see the destination, but it takes you way too long to get there because the route you knew (or thought you knew) is off limits and now you have to obey all these other rules and conform to what everyone has to do.

And there's no such thing as just making ME feel better, cos there's always someone else who also wants a donut. 

My mood pic today ~ 

Doldrums

Definition - 

a state or period of stagnation or depression

OR

an equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms, and light unpredictable winds

BIKSS was the one who told me about this second one - being ex navy as he is. 

A further search on google showed me this article that says -

The "doldrums" is a popular nautical term that refers to the belt around the Earth near the equator where sailing ships sometimes get stuck on windless waters.

Known to sailors around the world as the doldrums, the Inter-Tropical Convergence Zone, (ITCZ, pronounced and sometimes referred to as the “itch”), is a belt around the Earth extending approximately five degrees north and south of the equator. Here, the prevailing trade winds of the northern hemisphere blow to the southwest and collide with the southern hemisphere’s driving northeast trade winds.

The way I'm feeling, though, isn't so much that I'm just windless or a ship that's becalmed, more like a sinking, depressed, what's-the-point stupor.

I'm pretty certain the mother's recent psychological problems are the trigger. I feel helpless, out of control, and subject to everyone else's wants and needs. 

I don't have the energy to deal with it. And aside from my live-in caregiver I'm feeling more and more like I don't have any support system to speak of. SHE, on the other hand, has been brilliant.

Rant upcoming...

1) BIKSS changed jobs right around the time Covid hit. The change in his work schedule means we now meet an hour later on nights we have dinner together, and a change in his JD also means he doesn't have to make client visits like he used to. In the past I could sneak off with him when he went on his rounds (I would wait at a mall, cafe, or read a book in the car while I waited) so we at least had pretty long car rides during the week. His day also used to start later so he would be able to get me in the mornings to send me to work. 

The amount of face time has been significantly reduced. Add to that the stupid pandemic and movement restrictions, and what we have now is a very limited number of hours we can spend together. 

2) The mother moved in with me at the end of January last year, just before the Covid crap hit the roof. So aside from not having as much privacy as before, I also now had an elderly person who was better off at home instead of out wandering the streets because Thank You Covid. This means hanging out with friends and shopping trips with the sister / aunts became almost non-existent. 

3) The sister and brother come and go as they please, when it's convenient for them, without any planning or schedule. THIS one I managed to tweak - I told them to take turns once a week to come sit with the mother on the days my caregiver is off duty. I mean, it's not that hard to time your visits with her off-days once a fortnight (between the two of them) right? 

4) Covid. Covid is really pissing me off. Sure, we can still go out, somewhat, but there are limits to the places we can go. Bars close at 10. Concerts halls re-opened a few months ago but with safe distancing - so there are 4-5 seats between people... sometimes more, depending on the venue. Which doesn't make for fun dates or outings with friends. Restaurants were allowed to seat a max of 8 people at a table, but with recent community cases rising that has (today!) been brought back down to 5. People are advised not to have more than 2 social engagements a day. Offices are back to a max of 50% attendance, with those who are able to being told to work from home. And even if we wanted to go anywhere, aside from restaurants, half the time I'm reluctant to do so because of this stupid mask-wearing. It's uncomfortable and warm. And I don't mind so much when I'm in an A/C-ed place. The problem is walking around outside in this fucking humid heat. 

It's 12.30 in the morning, and this is what it's showing now - humidity is at 100%. And this wretched heat is AFTER we had a storm all afternoon and pissing drizzly drips from about 7pm. It just stopped not half an hour ago.

This is tomorrow's and Monday's forecast - 

Warm temperatures + 80-90% humidity does NOT equal conducive mask-wearing weather. Mind you, these are rainy cloudy days we're expecting. It has been much hotter the last 2 weeks when we had a bit of a dry spell. 

How is anyone supposed to be upbeat and chirpy and zestful about life with conditions like these? 

I had a really good venting session at BIKSS last night, poor fella. To be honest, and I told him this, I'm not even looking forward to our dates anymore. I mean, sure, I'd like to see him. But it's changed. What used to be "I can't wait for him to let me know what days he's free for us to hang out" is now a very ho-hum "Yeah, just whenever you can is fine."

I've taken to sleeping again. At least there were breads and buns to rescue today. So I did that. Then promptly came home and stuck myself in my room and watched some TV shows. Then I decided to do that lying down in bed. Then I decided to leave the lappy on after the episode ended and just close my eyes and sleep. For a couple of hours. 

And now I'm awake and the house is silent again, the way I like it. 

I'm thinking the last person you want to leave an elderly person with psycho problems in the care of is someone who is (suspected to be) on the spectrum AND perimenopausal. That's gotta be a disaster waiting to happen. 

And if SHE doesn't go completely insane, then I might. I'm already seeing the signs... I'm no stranger to depression. 

Her psycho-geri appointment is on the 19th of May. I'm thinking someone had better give her some kind of drug to stop the manic /paranoid thoughts running through her head, or else someone had better give ME something. 

My mood pic today~

PS I'm not exactly in the mood to be leaving pleasantries on other people's blogs so please excuse me for not visiting while I get past this funk. 

Stress, Sleep, Support

I'm writing this just after midnight. So I'll be quick. 

Over the last week the mother has been acting strange. More chatty, displaying a juvenile sense of humour, fixating on TV programming - not the dramas she watches, but the programming in general. She has been saying things that don't make sense, connecting seemingly unrelated events, making up weird conclusions about things (the TV station is closing down) and coming up with nonsensical explanations for these unwarranted conclusions (.. because they have no money so that's why the mints now cost $300 instead of just $100 like they used to in the past - and they can't get local actors because the Australians are paying them more money to advertise their shows so that's why they have to close the station). What? So basically she isn't making any sense. 

This is worrying because 1) It reminds me of my dad's battle with dementia, 2) It seems to have progressed quite rapidly - in the span of a week or so, 3) I can't tell if she is just randomly making things up or if that discomfort in her foot / chest / head / neck / shoulder / knee is real. 

The boss doctor man has written up a referral for a geriatric specialist. He doesn't think it's dementia, but he *is* worried it might be a micro stroke or subdural bleed from the fall she had in December. Apparently it can take months for a slow bleed to show up a personality change among other things. 

We're waiting for the specialist clinic to call me back with an appointment date but in the meantime I'm stressing out at having to deal with her incessant talking and very strong opinions about how the TV people are irresponsible because they stop the show before it ends. (She can't tell that it's a commercial and thinks the show has been cut off.) And when it continues after the commercial break she gets mad because they can't make up their minds if they want to show it or not, stopping halfway and starting up again when they feel like it. She's really mad at them, let me tell you. 

In the past, as I've mentioned to BIKSS, my brain used to keep me awake during periods of stress. I'd be up way before my alarm rang, I'd sleep for 2 hours and wake up for no good reason (sometimes one has to pee, and that's a pretty good reason imo), or it would take me forever to fall asleep etc. 

This time round, perhaps because I know we have a plan, all my body wants to do is SLEEP. I've been napping and napping and when I *am* awake I'm yawning and yawning, and constantly tired. On the way to dinner earlier I said to BIKSS "I've been yawning (he said he noticed), and that's AFTER a solid 2 hour nap, and right now if you put me in a comfy bed and turned down the lights I would happily go right to sleep again." He is familiar with this phenomenon as HIS body has always reacted to stress this way - stress = sleep.

And speaking of dinner, that was BIKSS changing his plans to help me cope with being around my mother. I think a lot of it is fear - about something we are only able to guess at and not have a definite answer for. Fear, that if this isn't physiological then it might be a very quick progression of dementia. Fear, that I won't be able to show her the love and patience that I know I want to, and that I know she needs. 

And I cannot stand it. 

Last night before going to bed I said to him that if he could change his plans, I could really do with him coming over to have dinner with us, or we could take mum to eat, if only because I didn't know if I could handle being alone with her all afternoon / evening. My caregiver was going to be out as it was her day off, and I didn't think I would be able to last all day and night with mum's current state being what it is. 

He came by, got us, and we went for a quick and simple dumpling soup (and noodles for mum) and chicken chop dinner, then a stroll along the beach. She had a good time, enjoyed looking at the boats, admired the lights coming from the long stretch of chalets, reminisced about her youth and how they would come to the beach to fish and camp overnight. 

Then we went home and that was 3 hours of reprieve for me, from having to face her constant chatter and strange made-up logic alone. 

He recognises that it took a damn lot for me to open my mouth and ask if he would come to my rescue for dinner cos 1) Usually if he's made plans with the family then there's a high chance he can't back out of it and I won't bother asking because I hate rejection (especially when the reason is his family); and 

2) In the first place, I just hate needing help - especially when it's an emotional type of situation. I mean, I won't ever hesitate if it's brute force I require and little tiny me just doesn't have the strength / height  or even know-how to do something. But when it's cos I feel overwhelmed, afraid, unable to cope, it's really hard for me to say "I need support". Somehow over the years I've programmed myself to think that support is for the weak. And I hate being weak. 

But hey, at least this time I managed to open my mouth and ask for it. But that is also a pretty huge indicator of how much this whole situation is affecting me. 

Fingers crossed they figure it out soon and find a thing that they can fix. The alternative is just too much for me to imagine right now.

My mood pic today ~ 

Burgers and Buys

Last Friday. I made the dinner plan cos BIKSS seemed to be having some pretty busy days at work. And I needed to get things for the house too - a little trolley that would fit between my cupboard and the wall (where things had begun to pile up that didn't feel like they qualified as "temporary" anymore) and I was in the market for a headlamp so that sewing those beads on my shoes wouldn't blind me. 

I found a mall which was relatively unpopular, so it wouldn't be too crowded. And gave BIKSS a choice of Carl's Jr or a local hotpot for dinner. We ended up with delicious low carb burgers at Carl's with fried zucchini and sugarless green tea, and a side of grilled chicken salad. 

Way more satisfying than our Shake Shack adventure. 

That's his bun-less chicken BLT

That's my bun-less cod fillet burger

And that's the chicken salad and the round discs are the fried zucchini poppers

Originally I wanted to hop into a store that sells random plastic household storage items, but it turns out I found what I wanted earlier in the day on the way to my IPL session. 

I'm terrifically pleased that I found this teeny tiny trolley that fits perfectly!

All that was left to do after dinner was head to a home depot / DIY mashup type of store, where I found this for $3. 

I've been sewing with it all morning and it's a dream! I can see so much more clearly now. 

And while some buys have been hits, some have been misses too! Remember I said they sent me the wrong pack of socks? 

Well, it turns out they sent the wrong pair of jeans too. But I was so excited that they fit so well that I didn't realise they weren't the ones I ordered. And since I've worn them and cut off all the tags, I can't exactly return them now. 

I ORDERED THESE -  

Skinny Regular Ankle Jeans

5-pocket jeans in stretch denim with a mid waist, zip fly and slim legs.

But I got THESE instead - 

Skinny Regular Ankle Jeans

Jeans in washed, stretch denim with a regular waist and zip fly and button. 

Fake front pockets, real back pockets and skinny legs.

When I tried them on I did think the colour was a bit lighter than I expected, but put it down to monitor-colour-difference. It was only when I wore them last night to go out to dinner that I realised there were no pockets as I made to stick my hands in them. Then it dawned on me... the colour WAS off, but that's because it's the wrong style. Well, the length and cut and rise are the same, just that it's the faux pockets version, not the REAL pockets one. 

And I was upset. Upset enough that BIKSS, knowing how my brain works, and knowing that I would be uncomfortable every time I wore them, said why don't I go ahead and buy another pair, the RIGHT ones, and he'd pay for them. "Think of them as a present from me to you. I'll give you a gift ... of pockets." I laughed. 

I can afford another pair, of course, they ended up costing only $12 cos of discount codes and all that, but I think what I was really asking for was 'permission' to do something most regular people would think was crazy and totally extra and unnecessary. I mean, since it's not like I couldn't wear these or that they didn't look good (I totally love how they look... now that I've worn them out).  

But BIKSS knows this slightly off-centre brain of mine won't be at ease till I got the pair I wanted. And besides, he says, think of how inconvenient it would be for him to wrap his arms around my waist from behind me and reach for my front jeans pockets to slip his hands into, only to be met with FAUX/NO pockets! 

I'm also waiting for a pair of similar styled white jeans to arrive, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that both of them will be the right ones!

Skinny High Jeans

5-pocket jeans in washed stretch denim with a high waist, zip fly and slim legs.

And why am I going jeans-crazy? Cos H&M jeans actually fit me. WELL. And they're usually at least double the price. So if I can get them at $12-$14 a pair, that's less than half what I would have to pay in-store. 

I'll update when they arrive. Fingers crossed.

My mood pic today ~

All the Medical Updates

The social worker rang and said we got our subsidy for mum's hearing aids. So that's good. Instead of 3 grand, we'll only have to pay 300. 

We go on the 18th to get her fitted and place the order. (And pay them.) Then we collect them a month after that. 

Next Wed mum has a check up with her renal specialist. We did her labs this past week. Her eGFR isn't great, it's hovering at around 20, but it will only go lower and lower as time passes. I've got some hope with her diet tho. There has been some research that me and my boss have been looking into re: red meat and TMAO and also the higher incidence of kidney disease in pork eaters. 

So I've banned all red meat from her diet. She doesn't mind. She's happy to just have chicken and fish and the occasional prawn or scallop. Hopefully it prevents the number from falling too quickly. 

Her potassium is stable at least. 

My shoulders are aching from some exercise I did two nights ago. You can blame HIIT. And the fact that I've been neglecting my aerobics. I've been walking, and not much else, for exercise. And so the result after a long break from any arm work is, well, wobbly arms. 

Sigh. It will pass. But until then, darn it I want someone to massage my muscles! 

Which will NOT be BIKSS cos he's down with something. He's got phlegm and the ahem bug. 

I don't have to say that we both hope it's nothing more than just a flu or bad cough/cold, but for now he's on house arrest.

He HAS gone and gotten swabbed... so we'll see what the results tell us. We should get them soon enough I think. 

(Hopefully by the time this post goes live.) 

My mood pic today ~ 

[Edit: BIKSS' test came back negative. I guess it's just a lousy flu! Phew!]

The Year So Far - Gloomy with a Chance of Pissiness

The good news is that I'll be getting my Covid jab this Friday, and then another one on the 5th of Feb cos you gotta do two shots 3 weeks apart or some such thing. 

But so far the year has already given us some sucky things. Landslides, crashed planes, the White House. Rising Covid numbers aren't helping either. I don't go looking for them, but there's always a ticker tape at the bottom of the news channel with daily numbers... 

And I've already attended 2 wakes this week. 

I'm beginning to think the end of the world is nigh. 

Oh, and I've gained 2 kg since Christmas. I'm working super hard to bring my weight back down to what it was before. 

BIKSS has been very good about his diet and his numbers are great. It's pissing me off a little that his glucose count was lower than MINE! 

I suppose that's a bit of a wake up call for me then. Great timing too cos it'll be MY turn to get my bloodwork done this week. And I think the boss has decided that with some government scheme I could even test for cancer markers. That's good at least. 

This weekend I have been working on my diet. I went on a 23:1 fast on Saturday, and today I skipped a meal and a half - just a bit of a flexi-fast to reduce calorie intake. It's not a huge hardship, I'm not dying of hunger or anything,  it's just hard cos I just LOVE eating. Sigh. 

It reminds me how tough the weight loss journey and dieting in general can be and I'm extra proud of BIKSS for keeping to it. 

I mean, it was a lot easier when there was no one in the house but me. Now with the helper and mum and the niece all living here, it's like there's an abundance of food and I can't SEE FOOD and NOT EAT IT. Well, I can, but SOME food I have absolutely no defence against. LOL. Croissants being one of them. And I happen to have some in the fridge cos it was part of last week's food rescue. And of course I kept some for myself before redistributing. 

The other problem is the weather. It's been wet, wet, wet. Torrential rain. This means I can't go for my usual hour-long walks. That's causing me some grief too. I've had to be content to just hop around my room with aerobics videos / ballet barre exercises. Great for strength building, but I tend to get less cardio. (I live in in apartment, so I steer clear of the cardio-heavy jump around videos.)

You can imagine that all the bad news plus the rain plus the weight gain cannot be having a positive effect on this little girl. But with birthday dinners and lunches coming up and Chinese New Year baking about to start... one can only hope that the busy-ness of the season will keep any sad feelings at bay long enough for the sun to come out again after this monsoon rubbish we're having is past. 

My mood pic today~

Venturing Out and Some Bad News

It has rained nonstop where-I-live since the wee hours of New Year's. Some areas are flooded, and most of us are just happy to be holed up at home over this long weekend, lazing, resting, getting psyched for the coming year. 

Last night when the rain slowed to a drizzle I ventured out for about half an hour to head to a fellow recycler's place to collect some stuff. I ended up hopping on a bus (3 stops, easy peasy) but as I was coming home the rain started up again. 

It was nice to see the lights along the road, I wouldn't say they're Christmas lights per se, as we celebrate Chinese New Year in earnest here too, so most of the time it's more like Christmas / New Year's / Chinese New Year lights all rolled into one! 

This is me all covered up, waiting for a bus, with a hat instead of a brolly (there was shelter most of the way).

And lights on the trees and hanging between lampposts along the way

True enough - some of the CNY decor has already come up - the words translate generically to Happy New Year, but the lanterns and the phoenix lend a decidedly Chinese flavour to the display.

This morning I woke up to some bad news. A family friend has passed away. She was 73 years old and had complications after a heart attack and the subsequent surgery to insert a stent. We spoke to some of her sisters over Christmas and New Year but no one mentioned that she had been in hospital. Perhaps they wanted to keep it quiet. 

The saddest part is her daughter lives in Australia and previous attempts to get immigration clearance to come back to see her mum were denied. To me, this really is the worst part of this Covid situation - that family cannot travel home to visit loved ones in hospital to even say a final goodbye. 

My mood pic today -