When Is a Breakthrough a Breakthrough?

I suppose when things feel stuck, and your brain latches on to some new idea

Or when a thing you're afraid to say just cannot be left unsaid anymore

Perhaps when there's a problem that needs addressing, and you know that talking about it COULD make it worse

How about when you BOTH are reluctant to admit something because doing so would make it real

💢

*IS* there a problem? 

☝Disconnect. I miss the tenderness, the reaching for me, the grabbing my hand and putting it on his lap as he drives... it had been ages before the day we talked that he last kissed my forehead, my nose... 

Lesson - INSIST on being treated the way you want to be treated. 

Tangential Lesson - sometimes you realise shit only when you're talking about the OTHER shit.

✌D/s. It had all but disappeared. I'm not innocent in this. The menopause and the fluctuating hormones that accompany this time in my life has wreaked havoc on my libido. Do we still have sex? Yes. Is it as hot and heavy as before? No. Do I consider it a duty? Yes. Is that bad? No. Does he want me to think of it as a duty? Probably not. But as one half of this relationship and because I acknowledge that sex is part of this relationship is that acceptable? Yes. To me anyway. 

Sex is a strange part of relationships. I've decided that it's a HUGE part, but one that is played down because society thinks it's crass to talk about it as if it's ALL there is in a relationship. It's not. But it's a HUGE PART. Acknowledge it. 

Still, old habits. We are conditioned I suppose, not to place emphasis on it. I live in Asia. Conservative Asia. Pffft. 

Lesson - Be crass, be obvious, be direct. If you want sex, say so. If you want sex, initiate it. If you want sex, whisper it in my ear. 

Lesson 2 - Be deliberate in the D/s. We need to be quiet, there are other people in the house. But there are quiet ways to have kinky sex. 

👌Fondles is mad. Well, Fondles wants to know stuff. But some stuff about how he does his life and his family, Fondles doesn't agree with. 

But more than that, I have a chip on my shoulder and it's too heavy for me to shrug off on my own. A little help would be appreciated. I'm a minefield, he doesn't know when a thing is a thing that I'll get mad about or a thing that I'll ignore. I recognise this. I also recognise that I need to be better at being a LOT MORE DIRECT about telling him and not be worried about what he will think of it. 

Lesson - BIKSS is difficult to offend. (At least, he'll try really hard not to let what I say offend him.) So if something hurts just say it.

Reminder Lesson for BIKSS - if you say something and I get upset by it, grab me, hold me, and reassure me. Don't 'give me space'. 

Audiobooks, Anniversary, Au Revoir, Ailments

Hello beautiful people in Blogland. 

I have been away from here for so long. Not because there isn't anything to write about, but because I've been so busy. 

CG1 is going back to visit her family for a month next week, so I've been helping with organising the tickets, the admin stuff (like re-entry permits, insurance for renewing employment permits, etc etc) and I've also been the one in charge of planning the last two trips to Kuching and Malacca so I have found myself in a heap of admin recently. 

Also, and perhaps the bigger reason why I haven't written as much, is because I have been hooked to my raunchy audiobooks. The Uptown Girls series is what I'm listening to right now. And there are plenty more such *ahem* "romantic" novels. I AM fussy about the narrator tho and will only listen to the ones read by Justine Eyre. 

That aside, we celebrated our 13th year at the beginning of this month. I can't believe what started out as a sorta kinda flingy thing has ended up the longest relationship of my life. It's not been without its fair share of fights and stressors, he's the stressor, then we fight. LOL 

Most recently we had another long discussion about the difference in the flow of information between us. I tell him everything and he tells me nothing. Why? We've worked out that it's a psychological, childhood trauma thing (he doesn't think anything he has to say will be a thing I would want to know... clearly he's no stranger to self-deprecating thinking), and after hashing it out over and over in various different permutations over the years, and most recently because I refused to just let it go and sweep it under the carpet and leave things alone (do we NEED more cliches?), I said we need to deal with this and find a solution or else it's going to be hanging over me like a storm cloud and I'll resent him for it as we move through the months to come. 

If I wanna know stuff, I could keep asking. But I wouldn't know what I don't know. Most recent example, the boys' trip to HK for the rugby 7s I thought he was going on ended up being a bunch of people, some he didn't know, two he met once, and his best friend, going to HK separately and with various combos of family (wife, solo, wife+kids... etc) and the guys (and on the last day, also the wives, maybe one maybe two... who knew?) would meet up at the games on the 3 days. How is that a boys' trip?

I mean, if it's a boys' trip I assumed the 4 of them would travel there together and share rooms or at least room in the same hotel.  Not be a total bunch of upwards of 10 people, all travelling on their own, with no "together" involvement except for meeting up at the games and eating before and after - and in different combinations of who's eating and who's not at that. Cos not everyone had meals together. They just came and went as it suited each of them.

So in that case, how am I to know to ask "Are the wives going, are the kids going, are you travelling together, are you rooming with Joe..." ? There are some things that I'm allowed to assume when I hear "Boys' trip to HK for the Rugby 7s", no? Why would I ask if the wives are going, if it's a boys' trip? Cos I imagine MY response to such a question would be "I said it was a BOYS' TRIP... why would the wives be going?" Evidently this is not the case when a guy says "boys' trip". 

I COULD just ask a bunch of questions everyday. What you doing? Where you at? What plans for the day? Saw anything? Ate yet? Anything exciting happening at work? Any accidents on the road? Any medical issues I should know about that suddenly happened today? I mean, it's bluddy ridiculous. I would resent it. He would resent the questioning. And I would get tired and bored.

OR. I could just ignore everything and take an "I'll just accept what you wanna tell me when you wanna tell me" approach. In the meantime I would ask myself why I was being so stupid and needy and clingy and telling you everything that's going on in my day when you clearly do not share the same level of communication. I would resent it, and curtail the information flow. And then we would have the same relationship you have with your wife. Don't ask don't tell, yes? 

It would be the end of us. I'm certain. 

Anyway. After a frustrating evening of going round and round in circles (see conversation below) the man had an epiphany. And was also overcome with a stroke of brilliance - he said (before sharing said epiphany with me) "And with this I feel like I'm going to talk myself right into a spot". Which he really did. 

Me - Why do I tell you stuff? Why do I inform you of this and that? 

Him - Because it's exciting to you and you want me to know.

Me - Ok, how is it exciting to tell you my friend wants to borrow money. Plus, it doesn't concern you, it doesn't make a difference to your life, it doesn't affect you at all. And still I tell you. Do you want to know such things? Should I not bother to tell you this kind of stuff? 

Him - No, I like hearing this stuff. 

Me - And I like hearing YOUR stuff.

Him - But I don't have interesting stuff to tell you... my day is boring and mundane. 

Me - And my friend wanting to borrow money is interesting how? Saying "I'm on my way back from work" is interesting how? Telling you all the things I tell you .. isn't it mundane too? 

** this is the part where he had his epiphany and said what he said about talking himself into a spot**

Him - It's not mundane because it pertains to YOU and what is pertinent to YOU or affects YOU or bothers YOU or involves YOU matters to ME. Cos it's YOU. 

Me - Tada! Now do you get it? 

He says he did. He looked really uncomfortable lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, and I could see the gears turning in his brain. 

Well then, let's see. 

At least we got that sorted somewhat... before moving ahead into the next year. I'm not saying it's going to be all hunky dory now, but at least he's figured THAT one out. I'm sure there will be other blocks. It's not going to be a fix all. But I'm nothing if not tenacious and if I have to chip away at his traumas one psychological barrier at a time, then so be it. 

Bring it on! 

Haven't invested 13 years only to give up now... 

And speaking of anniversary, he got me another silver coin - 

It's so pretty! I bought him a kazoo. LOL. It hasn't arrived. But I can't wait for him get his hands on it and make all sorts of noise! 

In personal medical news - I've changed my HRT to tibolone. It's a drug that when metabolised by the body produces the hormones I need. Don't ask me how it works. I can't fathom it myself. But it's supposed to be better than the previous one I was taking. Best of all - no withdrawal bleed. But it's early days yet... I've only started taking it this week. Hopefully the aches and pains I get during the 'low dose' week on the triphasic pills won't be as pronounced. 

Speaking of hormones, I've been to see my physiotherapist cos my shoulder pain is getting more annoying. And I'm freezing up. Apparently there is a term for it in Chinese he says - the 50s Shoulder. Seems the changes in hormone levels affects the shoulder (specifically the shoulder joint, he doesn't know why, but it does) in some women and a LOT of women in this age group end up with a frozen shoulder. Yup. It's an 18-mth curse on average, sometimes shorter in some people, consisting of 4 phases. We all suspect (by we I mean me, my boss-cum-GP and physiotherapist) that I'm in phase 2. It started presenting in November, so at an average of 3 months per phase, I'm in the Freezing stage. 

The good news is that once it's actually in the Frozen stage, there is less pain, just stiffness and limited mobility. I can't wait for this shit to be done with. 

In travel news, if all goes to plan, I'll be hopping into Kuala Lumpur with BIKSS on the 15th of April cos he has a worktrip coming up. Fingers are crossed.

And now I will sleep. Here are some pics from the last month.. 

Lunch at an unexpected Vietnamese restaurant while waiting for my physio appt

Tonight's Peranakan Dinner Buffet

Melaka / Malacca last weekend

A simple explanation of where my people come from - Melaka is the birthplace of my great great great Granddad. I think. I can't remember how many "greats" there are. And it's too late in the evening and I'm too lazy to dig out the books to check. But yeah, that's where we come from originally.

The Melaka River (and a hotel on the other side... Casa del rio I think it's called)

Enjoying a Peranakan Lunch

Clockwise from left :

Bak wan kepiting

Nangka lemak

Beef rendang

Cincaluk ulam

Babi tohay

Center : ngoh hiang with cili cuka

My own version of nangka lemak which BIKSS tried today - 

Young jackfruit in a coconut milk gravy, with prawns

on the river cruise

 

And that's all for now... I shall come back with MORE news! 

Travel Plans, Neuroses and Resolution Keeping

The Most Recent Thing to upset me is that BIKSS is going away on a play trip (as opposed to a work trip) at the end of March and I found out in the most disastrous way. 

Background - I have separation anxiety, adjustment disorder, and abandonment issues. I'm not proud of it or anything, it's not like I WANT to collect disorders, but these are all things that I've been in therapy for. And while I can function and survive in the normal world most of the time, sometimes it takes a bit of doing for me to haul my crushed and fractured soul off the ground and get it back in the realm of the living when something comes at me out of nowhere. 

Dramatic, much? Yes. On a regular day with a sane mind, I would agree. But that is exactly what it feels like when a thing comes flying my way and hits me square in the face. Reason and logic? What? No where to be found.

Anyway we talked (MANY TALKS) about it, and by now I'm feeling ok again. However, moving forward, there are some things that I will have to do to cope and compensate for such unplanned out-of-town trips tho, the most obvious being PLAN MY OWN out-of-town trips. And on his part, TELL ME WITH A BIT OF SENSITIVITY. Ahem. Moving on... the rest of the Plan.

If he's to travel more this year, being my 'leave the country every month year' and all, then the original plan was that I would tag along on his work trips. But if his trips are gonna be last minute and clash with my work schedule / cost too much in airfare / coincide with my periods guaranteeing NO ONE has a good time, then I would rather not go. (Which is what happened the last BKK trip he took - it was short notice and the flights were almost $500 return and it was period week. Plus my colleague was on leave the Monday that he was to fly off, meaning I couldn't get time off till Tuesday, shortening an already short trip. As for this upcoming play trip to HKG with the fellas - he suggested I come up and join him for a couple of days after the match, but $700 is NOT a price I'm willing to pay for a 2 day tag-on.) 

In all likelihood I'd have to beat the last-minute-high-priced-ticket situation by booking my own cheap-ass-on-promo tickets early. With other people. In order to keep my New Year's resolution (leave the country every month.... let's not lose sight of this!)

Which then means that by the time he CAN confirm a work trip I might already have used up whatever vacation days that month for my own travel plans. And that leaves us no better off in the "travel together" department. 

To address the issue we have decided that :

1) If tickets are too pricey for my cheap ass to hand over good money for,  but are within a range HE thinks is acceptable, and he's willing to pay for them, then I might go. (It took some convincing cos I'm not one to spend $400 on something that can be got for $200 you know? However since CHEAP is dependent on having "advance notice" and that's not going to be likely in most cases, I suppose something's got to give.) 

TO BE FAIR - he did offer. I would say "I'm not paying XXX for a ticket to YYY just to hang out with you for 3 days... it's too expensive!" and he would say "Then what about if I  paid for it?" And I would gasp in horror because WHOEVER paid for it, it's still too expensive. 

But ok. If the purpose is to vacay together on his short work trips and we'd be saving on hotel anyway, and he's willing to sponsor the ticket, then fine. (I also have a LOUSY relationship with money... I am aware, and I am working on it.)

And 

2) He'll try and plan in advance as much as possible, wherever and whenever he can. I'm not hopeful about this second one. But we'll see. 

Meanwhile, I've decided instead of sitting around and being depressed when he's in HKG I'm going to grab CG1 and my sister and we're going to hop onto a bus to Malacca for 3 days. We booked the tickets yesterday! Whoop!

There's also a legit teaching holiday at the end of April (I usually teach on Saturdays and it would be waste to let a free Saturday go by without doing something!) so the sister has booked me for a trip to Genting Highlands to enjoy the cool weather - and roam the Genting Premium Outlets. She's been, I haven't. I don't think I've been to Genting in at least 10 years, which is a shame cos they've made so many improvements to the space. 

So far I've left the country every month... my resolution looks like it's firmly on track. The plan to travel with BIKSS on his work trips... well, not so much. But we're only a quarter way into the year... so there is hope yet!

We Knew It Would Happen

Went to see the geriatrician. She adjusted mum's anti-anxiety dose. 

She's sleeping better and less stressed in the day time. I'm quite glad about that. She is also eating a little better, so hopefully she won't continue to lose too much weight. 

Her labs didn't look good tho, but we knew it would happen at some point. Her kidneys have been the pits for years, but it looks like it's getting markedly worse. If she were a candidate for dialysis she'd be on it with the way things are looking now. But she isn't, so it's conservative management for us. 

Yesterday was my live-in caregiver's day off. I spent the whole afternoon and the better part of the night with mum, entertaining her, keeping her company, just letting her ramble while I nodded along, or oh or ah-ed at the stuff she's telling me. 

We video-called my aunt in Germany and had a nice chat. This morning another aunt rang and we had another nice chat. 

I took a personal day today too, and wanted to sleep in. But there was some renovation work going on in the apartment directly above me and I got woken up at 9 sharp.

Anyway, managed to potter about and sort out some of the stuff in the house, put away things, packed other things, made a couple of layer cakes (for sale, not for gifting!) and spent more time with the mama. 

She's happier when I'm around to entertain her, and she was in such good spirits today she got up and danced along to a video of Andy Williams singing a duet with Julie Andrews. 

It was heartening to see her wiggle and clap along to the music! 

I've also been thinking maybe my newfound plant obsession is just a manifestation of my need to DO something that helps mum, but since there isn't a whole lot I can fix where she's concerned, I turned to fixing up her plants. 

Who knows. 

I *DO* know that when I decided to take an interest in them it was with the intention that she could continue to be surrounded by them, since she always loved tending to her corridor garden, even tho she isn't able to physically care for them anymore now. 

She loves plants. And if she can't care for them, then the least I could do is keep them alive so she can still HAVE them around. 

Right. So I've done NO research for my teaching notes in the last couple of days and I will have tons of catching up this weekend. 

I was planning on doing some research tonight but it's almost time to go for a walk with BIKSS so I'm just going to abandon that idea and get changed to go.

My mood pic today ~

Mulling - The Thursday Dinner and Post-Coital Thoughts

Mum had her hearing aid fitting appointment on Thursday. Before that the sister took us to lunch, and after that BIKSS took us to dinner. 

I was in and out of the house all afternoon and did absolutely NOTHING else besides see to the mother. My caregiver was off that day so I was on duty!  (Explains why I wasn't around Blogland much.)

The appointment went well enough, and we will go back 1st week of May to collect it. It was cute how they squeezed some pink paste into mum's ear to make a cast. I don't think they did that for the last ones she had, or dad's either. 

Anyway we had fish noodle soup and cereal fish and chips (for us) at the recently discovered Halal Chinese place. 

I thought it was quite delicious. We had a total of 4 slices of free cake and a complimentary starter. And a repeat order of my lettuce-wrapped chicken.

The green thing is a pandan flavoured chiffon type cake with a lovely light cream between the layers.

After dinner we got mum home and settled in for the night then I had a shower and collapsed into bed with BIKSS. 

I spent way too much time stroking Roger with my cheeks, nuzzling my face against his smooth velvety skin, inhaling his scent, a not-unpleasant musk coupled with fresh notes of laundry detergent from the shorts that he had been tucked into. 

Eventually I enveloped him in my mouth and BIKSS let out a satisfied groan... the sudden expulsion of air at the beginning of which signalling the jolt of pleasure at finding his cock in a warm wet orifice.

I was kneeling beside him and he had easy access to my nipples. He tweaked them. Hard. I got tingly and wet. He held my head down against himself, the right side of my face finding a pillow in his belly. 

And he fucked my mouth. I couldn't move, my head was pinned. I couldn't suck for trying to keep the seal tight around his cock so I wouldn't drool (too much). I couldn't use my tongue because he was thrusting according to a rhythm that escaped any matching co-ordination on my part. 

Then he muttered something that I couldn't make out until I felt a thickening of the pool of saliva in my mouth, and the familiar taste of his cream coating my tongue. Oh. "Daddy's gonna cum" is what he said. 

---

This time it was different. I told him. Usually I'm kneeling over him from between his legs, like this -

..and when he holds me by my hair I can at least adjust the angle of my head over him, allowing me to tweak the angle in which he thrusts into my mouth or at least move my head in a slight arc up and down over his cock, if not in and out. 

(I can at least move my head this way, with my forehead as a pivot and my chin moving away, 

in a sort of reverse nod.)

Even if I can't move this way straight up and down without having to bend my neck. 

So anyway. When my face is (being held down) sideways against his belly I can't move any way at all. So it felt like all I could do was be a mouth for him to fuck. And that felt really good. (Like this - it's not me but I didn't think I should plaster her face for the world to see.. even if it IS from the interweb.) 

I usually feel "powerful" when I'm giving BIKSS a blowjob, but this time even that one instance of power was wrested from me. 

Which is when I got to thinking - I'm most turned on when he does things TO ME for HIS benefit and enjoyment, as opposed to when he does something FOR ME for MY enjoyment. 

It's a given, of course, that even tho' the nipple tweaks and hard finger-fucking and face-slapping are all for me, they're primarily a show of force, an assertion of his power. 

So while some get off on humiliation, others on service, I think my biggest turn on is when I find myself in a position where I have been forced to yield.

My mood pic today ~ 

FFF 2.0 - 18 The Boss and the Roadtrip-to-Be

Hokey dokey.

This week in numbers :

9683 average steps
3 days with more than 10k steps
Highest no. was Friday with 16,845!

[Edit:] 
Here's Roz's Update: 

Exercise days 5/7 plus stairs at work. Unfortunately I may have to take a bit of an hiatus as I have damaged the skin on my back again, and this time it is a bit swollen around a couple of vertebrae.

And oh, Olivia's had a fall, so please, please go over there and give her lots of love!

And there is a small development on the boss and time-off front.

SO today when the colleague ran off to the ladies I casually said to the boss "Hey, we need to sort out this leave situation, cos it's really silly!"

He said "What situation?"

Me : The fact that every time one of us wants to take time off we gotta wait for an update on what the staff strength is like at the head office! It's ridiculous.

He : Well, you caaaan take time off, it's just that if you do then (colleague's name) will have to handle things solo here.

Me : So? what's wrong with that?

He : But then things will go slower...

Me : So? Let it be slower then!

He : Ok ok , but then I'll be sad.

I gave him a glare. 

He : And I'll be lonely.

Me : WHAT?

He : Cos there won't be anyone here to talk to me.

I rolled my eyeballs at him and pretend-smacked his butt with the clipboard I was holding. 

Me : Those are not good reasons

He : You going somewhere?

Me : Yes. Away.

He : I wanna go away too!

Me : You'll be away in New Zealand for a whole month from the 17th! Stop whining.

He : I haven't left the country in 2 years!

I rolled my eyeballs again.

Me : Whatever it is, I'm giving you notice - I'm not coming to work next Friday cos I'm going away.

He : Bye Bye.

Me : Good.

And so that's how the west was won. Well, the east. We're thinking of driving along the east coast this time, so Yay and Hurray for HOLIDAY! And as I told my therapist today, in a bid to step out of my rigid, structured, plan-everything-down-to-the-last-second comfort zone,  I told BIKSS let's just drive randomly till we see a nice spot and settle down for the night. She was afraid that it might upset my delicate system if I did that, so I reassured her that my significant other knows me well enough and that I trust him enough enough so that I'm pretty certain he won't let me end up in a dumpster, and I actually suspect he will have some kind of plan in place, even tho I've said let's be spontaneous. I'm glad he knows me better than to take me at my word - in this case anyway!

Also - here's  what I'm currently hooked on -  crash course on Anatomy and Physiology. I love this series! There are 48 videos in this playlist, but feel free to skip to the ones that interest you. Crash Course also does courses in other fields. I'm sure you'll find something you like! 

Power vs Service

This post is probably more suited to the now-defunct CWS blog. I still haven't gotten round to doing something about resurrecting that. But for now... I'll just leave it here with the CWS tag.

I said this would be my year of shorter posts. Judging from the last few (or more than a few) I have failed miserably at keeping to that. But this one. This one I promise will be short. 

Blowjobs. I've always loved giving them. There is something about the power one holds when a cock is in one's mouth. Demeaning? Not to me. Instead, I felt powerful. 

Imagine not being in control of the hardening of your cock. Imagine not knowing what sensation will follow. Imagine having no say over what is happening between your legs. Imagine all that power. 

I used to sit on my ankles beside my boyfriends, or straddle them (facing either forward or back, whichever). Sometimes I would lie between their legs, propped up on one elbow, or balancing on their thighs. Often I was stretched out alongside their bodies, or we would 69.

But never did I kneel between their legs, neither on the floor while they sat, nor on the bed if they were lying down, to worship their cock. 

That is the difference. Power then. Service now.

What Happened to the OTHER Little Girl?

Oh that is SO totally over. 

Suffice it to say she was a little cray cray. 

I'm not even kidding. 

Things went downhill really quickly. 

My conclusion (in as small of a nutshell as I can manage) is this - 

1) she doesn't know herself or what she wants / needs

2) she's afraid to trust and won't let anyone in

3) so she presents different versions (and I mean very different) of herself to different people

4) as soon as she feels herself getting drawn in she goes into "incognito" mode

5) having disappeared for a bit she then appears out of the blue with very superficial texts

6) her idea of communicating is through a series of interrogative questions and commands, like :

 - after your lessons you should rest

 - it's already 7pm why haven't you had dinner?

 - you shouldn't have eaten lunch so late cos it's way past dinner time now and you still haven't eaten

 - why are you still watching Riverdale? do you have to watch all the episodes? 

 - what are you doing? watching tv again? 

 7) depending on my answers she either just laughs it off or gets moody

There is a definite change in tone from when we started hanging out. She was more "available" and willing to share. Then she became more and more withdrawn. And mind you, there was no sharing of what she was up to or anything that happened throughout her day - it was all just a series of questions and "you should"s. It began to annoy me. 

When we talked about it some she insisted that we were not anything more than friends and she never wanted anything "extra" (could have fooled me!) and in fact WERE not anything extra. So I asked her what was with the telling me to eat and sleep and rest and what not? She says that was her way of staying connected, that she's not like my other friends who "only call when they wanna tell you something or ask you something, or ask you if you're free to meet up". I don't get it. Isn't that what friends do?

Sigh. Anyway, I told her I couldn't be friends with someone who was going to be so smothering cos I was feeling extremely claustrophobic. 

Her reply was "I don't text you when I know you're on your dates" - that's not the point my dear. But whatevs. 

There is more. But that's too many details for this blog. My bff thinks she needs a shrink and BIKSS half-teased me that I went on holiday with a bunny boiler. 

Great. 

I'm glad I made it back alive. 

Penance vs Punishment

Last Saturday morning as we were on the way to Daddy’s office I was bombarded by phone calls and text messages from the mother re: issues with father at the bank. 

After all that got dealt with I harumphed to Daddy that the banks haven’t yet figured out how to cope with the peculiar problems our nation’s ageing population is sure to present. (All I wanted was for them to have some measure in place so that persons who have been medically declared to have limited mental capacity won’t be allowed to withdraw their life savings and lose it in 7 seconds...)

He sounded like he was disagreeing with me, and it was the day before my period so I was a hormonal mess. I defended myself and my stance and he kept poking holes in my ideas so much so that all I heard was “Don’t expect the world to change for you just cause your father’s got dementia.”

That’s NOT what he said of course. Nothing even remotely close. But that’s the message I got. It felt like he was expecting me to come up with a solution for everything - what if someone says it’s my money why can’t I have it? What about privacy - anyone who looks at that person’s account will be able to see he’s mentally unsound! What about this and what about that?!

I lost it. “That’s not my job, I don’t have the answers but that’s why I said the banks need to come up with SOMEthing - get a panel or committee or something to look into it right?”

Ok, so maybe I yelled. Maybe I hollered. Maybe I raised my voice a few (thousand) decibels. 

*Shrugs* but he should know better than to get into a thing with me first thing in the morning after I'd just dealt with the mother and BEFORE I got a chance to get some caffeine in me right? 

I'm NOT a morning person. I was pre-menstrual. AND pre-caffeinated. AND I hadn't had my morning ciggy (with the morning coffee). AND I had to deal with the frenzied mother. 

Still, I shouldn't have lost it. And if we had gotten into a fight I would have been better equipped to handle it. But NOOOOO. What did Daddy do? 

He turned to look at me as he was driving and then in the calmest voice ever said "I say this with the greatest of affection ok? But don't bite my head off." 

And then guilt. Fine. Great. Shit. 

I DID explain myself - I told him (ok, whined) that I was upset because it sounded like he was attacking me! I told him how I felt like he was accusing me of being unreasonable and wanting the rest of the world to accommodate my father's illness. Which is when he took a deep breath and said that wasn't it at all. That he was merely asking what ideas I had to counter all the possible scenarios the banks might face - he was playing devil's advocate, as it were. 

Of course the mood was kinda icky by then but that one line of his - oh the trouble it caused me. At that very moment it shut me up. And made me realise that I was out of line. But for the whole day after that, even after we had gotten some coffee into me and we had gone back to being normal, it nagged at me, at the back of my mind, in the pit of my chest. You know that feeling you get when you're feeling guilty or hurt and there's a physical ache in the middle of your chest? Surely I can't be the only one... 

Anyway on Sunday night (yes, it took me a whole 36 hours to verbalise it) I finally texted him that I was sorry. For being mean to him. He replied that I wasn't mean. For being nasty to him then. He said I wasn't nasty, I was just tired.  Well, for being tired to him then. 😕 

And then I asked him for a spanking. A proper one. He must have known what I was after cos he said "We'll use the paddle".

The thing I was after? Absolution. In order for that to happen I needed his help to carry out my penance. I say penance instead of punishment because the intention came from me, not BIKSS. 

Definition of penance :~ punishment inflicted on oneself as an outward expression of repentance for wrongdoing.

So after 6 years of saying we don't subscribe to the punishment theory, I realise that on some level I've always felt the need to repent and redeem myself through a spanking - what he always thought of as a 'reconnect' spanking was to me, at least, penance. An offering of submission. An act of contrition.  

He did use the Christmas paddle. And it hurt. And then we cuddled. And there was no more pain in the middle of my chest when I thought about what happened in the car that Saturday morning. 

That Vanilla Man Did It

Yes. The Vanilla Man that's still hiding behind the curtains in BIKSS' mind. The one who still questions the kinkiness BIKSS has developed a (relatively) new-found penchant for. The one who waits quietly (most of the time) until something triggers his appearance and he screams "Hey you, that's some deviant shit and you're NOT supposed to be doing THAT!"

pls excuse the watermark

So remember that less-than-spectacular spanking last week? 

As far as we have managed to suss it out, this is what happened - (in point form so I don't ramble on too much.)

1. BIKSS has been vanilla for many years of his life. I am the only partner he has engaged in "kinky" activity with. 

2. His brain has accepted it, except for the Vanilla Man that refuses to be evicted. He takes up about 10% of his brain. 

3. As a vanilla guy (ie, pre-Fondles & BIKSS) there were times (not just the isolated occasion either) when he had been refused sex / intimate play. 

4. When I said that thing about "you can't fuck me from behind" it must have sounded like rejection / criticism to him, triggering Vanilla Man to raise his head and appear from behind the curtain. 

5. Enter a BIKSS who now wasn't his usual kinky settled self, but instead, (as far as I dare speculate), a doubtful-of-this-kinky-shit semi-Vanilla-Man-Daddy-Dom hybrid. 

6. Trying to spank your little (which requires the Daddy mindset) must be impossible if you've got doubts in your head as to whether what you're doing is in fact something you SHOULDN'T be doing. 

7. Also - the gentleman in him was probably questioning the legit-ness of "going up there just to have sex, and spank her as foreplay ... to have sex". Cos Vanilla Man would shave off a toe before ever doing something like that. 

8. He doesn't know it yet, (I'll tell him when I see him later) but I suspect a part of him also felt indignant that I thought he was coming over just for sex. (Not accurate at all, but I suppose that's what Vanilla Man thought I thought of him.)

9. I also suspect he went ahead with the spanking anyway either because :

1) he didn't want to fail me (we were both expecting a spanking session) or 

2) he needed to prove to himself that this wasn't wrong despite what Vanilla Man was telling him, or BOTH. 

And now my brain is tired from all this thinking and psychoanalysis. 

But it just goes to teach me a lesson - Daddy has some previous "I don't wanna have sex with you" issues and I could stand to be a bit more mindful of the way I talk about sex with him, especially since I tend to approach the subject very casually, in an almost too-direct and sometimes clinical manner. 

And now, to dinner. And more conversation!

Sharing BIKSS - Look What A Comment Led To

It's not a bad thing. Really. It started with a comment from Jan at an English Rose who read my beginning story HERE and wrote 

HI fondles, nice to read your story. Very different life to mine , it must be hard to have to share him. I think you are very brave. hugs
love Jan, xx

This was my reply 

Sometimes I also think I'm very foolish. But the way my life is going, I really don't have a lot of space / time for a full time relationship. I know I have a lot on my plate and even with the part-time-ness of what we have I often feel like I need to squeeze him into my week. 

I think he makes it easy to "share" him cos when I do need him he's splendid at "being there" if only by text. Words work wonders for me, and oh... this is a long reply. Maybe I'll just write a post!

... so here's the post. 

The thing about seeing someone who isn't your full-time, live-in, significant other is that it can sometimes get annoying / frustrating / irritating - you name it, I've probably felt it. 

Knowing that that person HAS a full-time, live-in, significant other who ISN'T YOU changes the game by quite a bit. Add Jealous / Insecure / Envious to the adjectives in the previous paragraph. 

But if I'm to be honest, most of the time I'm relieved that he's not mine 24/7. I have so many things on my plate and I value my freedom and independence so much that I would probably go mad with a he's-all-mine partner. I'm not saying this cos I want to go out and flirt with other guys (altho' I have, once or twice, to see if those fellas respond and if there is any potential for a "real" relationship there, and YES I tell BIKSS about it). 

It's more that I enjoy coming and going as I please. I don't have to check in to see if we have plans before setting up a date with a friend. When I'm out and it gets late I don't panic that he's home waiting impatiently for me to return. If I have to do last minute things I can, and do.

I know all this can be accomplished with a full time s/o too, but you gotta admit it would take a lot more effort on both parts. 

I recognise it's a bit selfish - I'm getting all the fun bits without the responsibility of being part of a full time r/p. But what about those times when I need him? Remember the 5 love languages thing I wrote about previously? 

Words are at the top of my list. Which is really convenient for a part time semi-distant love affair I suppose. He's figured out how to calm me down and reassure me when I'm frazzled just by sending me a couple of text messages. And I don't necessarily always want him around when I'm upset either. I sometimes find comfort in hiding away alone, and when he's on the other end of a texting app it's enough to stave off the loneliness AND soothe me at the same time. 

I'm also the sort that gets carried away (100% concentration, ya know?) with whatever I'm doing and have no problems shutting out the world for hours on end. Whether I'm cleaning house, binge watching tv shows, or baking in the kitchen... I often surprise myself when I see how hours have gone by without my realising it. 

(That's what happened on LOL Day-1 by the way. I turned on the lappy at 3pm to go visit blogs and the next thing I knew it was 7.45 and way past dinner time.)

I'm a little bit hermit, a little bit introvert, and a little bit anti-social. Add to that I'm a little bit on the autism spectrum and borderline OCD and you've got one high-strung but high-functioning nut-case with a penchant for living life solo - because it's easier to have things just the way I want them if I'm the only one here right? 

So this arrangement I have with BIKSS works out perfect for me - right now anyway. Perhaps one day I'll need more. Or want more. Who knows. But till then, I'm all good with the way things are. 

Thank you Jan, for giving me the thought-nugget to write this post!

(This is why comments are goooooood!!)

The Pleasure of Pain - Psychology Today

I love reading about psychology and BIKSS shared a link with me a few days ago. 

It's a rather long but interesting (to me, anyway) article about why 1 in 10 people are into S & M. Some parts made a lot of sense to me, some others, not so much. 

I suppose the reasons vary but the desired outcome is similar - catharsis. The thing that resonated with me most was "Escape" Theory:

"Through an analysis of S & M-related letters to the sex magazine Variations, Baumeister came to believe that "masochism is a set of techniques for helping people temporarily lose their normal identity." He reasoned that the modern Western ego is an incredibly elaborate structure, with our culture placing more demands on the individual self than any other culture in history. Such high demands increase the stress associated with living up to expectations and existing as the person you want to be. "That stress makes forgetting who you are an appealing escape," Baumeister says. That is the essence of "escape" theory, one of the main reasons people turn to S&M."

CLICK HERE to go to the article.

Meanwhile, enjoy this cute pic :) I just couldn't resist!

AND WISHING ALL CANADIANS
HAPPY 150TH CANADA DAY!

Missing Me

I did a one word meme where the last question was "Missing someone?" and I answered ME.

Here's the explanation. 

I feel like since the parents have come to live with me I've become a totally different person. 

1 - I used to be on top of things. I'm not anymore. It's a constant struggle to keep my head above water and keep ahead of everything. Even little things like getting groceries, packing up stray shopping bags, and putting away the pots and pans seem like a battle against time now.

2 - I used to host dinners and entertain at home. That's not happening anymore. The mother and live-in helper camp out in the living room for various reasons. They go to bed at 830pm. Meaning dinners at home are out of the question since the drinking and chatting usually go on till midnight. 

3 - I used to be free to come and go as I please. Now I'm bombarded with all sorts of questions, and it's trying because the mother seems to think she still has a right to tell me what I should or should not do. "Why are you going out at this time of the night?" "You wake up early for work - you shouldn't tire yourself out." "You need to wake up earlier so you don't have to rush through your mornings to leave on time." "You went walking yesterday why do you have to go walking again today?" It's irritating. Also, everything I do is subject to comment. "Is that what you're having for dinner?" "You shouldn't drink so much coffee." "Why do you need to do laundry so often?" "You're washing the sheets again?" 

Honestly, none of those remarks are necessary, nor have anything to do with anyone but ME. SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE - is something I think to myself way too often. 

The consequence of all this is that 

1 - I am a grouchier person; I'm stressed out more cos I'm trying to make sure that I don't drop the ball; 

2 - I don't get to spend as much time being social AT HOME as I have to be social OUTSIDE of the house, or else I'd never see my friends, which isn't something I particularly love doing because I used to enjoy being in my home and HOSTING IN MY HOME; 

3 - I have become moody and withdrawn and try not to interact with the mother unless necessary because every random conversation eventually turns into an attack on what I do / eat / think and how I live my life. 

And when I take a look at who I've become and what my life looks like now, it's not a view I can say I'm satisfied with. In fact whenever I "see" a part of me that doesn't look like the me I know, I tend to think "Wow, really? Is this who I am now? Wow." And not in a good way. 

I hold on for dear life to the few things that still remain which make me, ME - I'm all about determination and tenacity so right now I cling to the weight-loss success, the living of the healthy lifestyle, the not buying smokes cos I can NOT smoke if I say I'll not smoke except when I've said I will (ie with a few select friends), the being a model employee because I take pride in my work and I'm not a slacker who'll jump at the chance to call in sick. And yes. I hold on to the relationship I have with BIKSS. It's one of the things that HASN'T changed in the last year. 

But mostly I feel like I'm living a life that is not authentic. It is a life that has been put upon me. The changes I've made to my lifestyle are mostly in form, just different routines. It is somewhat true and one might argue that my core person is still the same. But somehow it feels like the result of those changes is that the shape of my inner self has been altered. I feel eroded in some areas, and artificially padded in others; more fragile here, more calloused there. 

I tell myself this will pass. That one day I'll reclaim my life. I'll be the person I wanted me to be again. The person I was before all this happened. But I know by the time that happens so many things would have happened, so many more events transpired, so much time passed, that the ME who emerges will never be the same as the ME I was when I entered this phase of life. 

And that makes me a little sad. Because I enjoyed THAT me. I don't like THIS one. Not much, anyway.