I've Been Cooking!

I have been catching up around the house and catching up with cooking! 

 

So there's a recipe of mum's that I've been wanting to cook up but the paste is something of a unicorn these days. It requires fermenting krill in toasted white rice, red rice and brandy to form what the Peranakans call "Tohay" (pronounced toe-hay). 

Anyway since it can no longer be commercially bought, I applied some research and mathematics and figured if I mixed up the Filipino condiment "Bagoong" (say bah-go-ong) together with the Hockchew (from China) condiment "Hongzao" (say hong like hoe with an ng, and zao like j-ow) I'll essentially get the same bunch of ingredients, albeit fermented separately and bottled in two different countries, which I can then mix together, add some brandy to, and hope will work out in the end. 

In the meantime I went in search of some authentic Peranakan fare and found a little shop in the basement of a food centre that nobody but NOBODY ever goes to, where the cooked dish using this Tohay paste was to be had. Um, it's also called Tohay. So it gets a bit confusing. There's Tohay the paste and Tohay the dsh, that's so called because it's made from the Tohay paste. So I dragged BIKSS and ordered two dishes that no one ever sees being served in Peranakan restaurants and introduced him to the flavours of my childhood.

He was wowed. He enjoyed dinner. And I was a just *that* little bit more eager to make my own Tohay paste cos the dude's version just wasn't the same as mum's. 

That's the Tohay we got from the shop - the red colour is from the fermented red rice 

And this is young jackfruit cooked in spices and generously thickened with coconut milk to form a rich and very very tasty gravy - I've recently figured out where to purchase said jackfruit (the regular markets don't sell it no more.. no more...) and am excited to try cooking some after I get back from our upcoming trip.

 

And THIS is my mama's version. With lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves, and more brandy! I wasn't sure the paste would work, but in the end it smelled and tasted exactly like mum's! I'd say it was a success. My housemate was thrilled - she absolutely loved it, as it had a hint of the Hockchew chicken dish she grew up with. Not quite the same thing, but the red rice yeast is a strong flavour and you'll definitely recognise it if it's something you had in your youth. 

A few friends popped by earlier and had a taste too, they were very keen on it. "If you ever make some again and would like company to join you for dinner, we're available MOST DAYS!"

I'm going to drop a portion off at another bestie's house later on. It's her season now to be busy taking care of her mum, and I'm sure she'd appreciate some home-cooked Peranakan food. Especially a dish that's almost extinct. 

Spurred on by this success I'm now even more eager to keep on cooking. I'm looking thru all of mum's recipes and having a go at them. It's not that I can't cook, or can't cook those dishes. I have before. But I just haven't recently - in at least a decade and a half. And cooking 'traditional' dishes using handed down recipes is something one can quickly forget how to do if one doesn't do it regularly and often, you know what I mean? It's not like just cooking up a stew or a veggie stir-fry. These are complicated things! 

So after this trip I shall come back and cook EVERYTHING! Lol. Ok, not everything. But I'm so excited to feed BIKSS and my friends, some of whom are fellow Peranakans who don't get a chance these days to enjoy our traditional fare anymore on account of the restaurants being so commercialised the stuff they serve up doesn't even taste like Peranakan food most of the time, and the dishes they DO offer are the same old same old - popular ones that will suit most palettes and are therefore safe bets. 

I imagine this is something I got from mum. She loved cooking up a huge batch of whatever it was she was making and then distributing tubs of it to the neighbours - " You try... see if you like it, it's a traditional Nonya dish" she would say. 

And it gives me GREAT joy when someone who's never tried a thing I made tells me it's delicious and wonderful and absolutely the best noms! 

Plus it's been lovely to reminisce along with CG1 as we prep and cook the same dishes mum used to whip up, remembering how she would meticulously peel her potatoes, or insist on using a particular brand of sauce because the umami was exactly balanced; or how she'd grumble when the chillis were too spicy and detracted from the other spices so that the other flavours were lost and buried under the heat. Sometimes I'll share stories about how mum used to explain why she did what she did, or why a cut of pork was better than another a particular dish, or even why one should add water at the beginning of this dish but at the end of that other one. 

I think more than the eating and the cooking and the sharing of dishes with friends, this is why I'm enjoying cooking all her recipes. It's the most obvious way to honour her memory, now that I think about it - if there was one thing the mama was known for, it was her awesome cooking!

Ok. so that's where I am now. I'm also back to studying. And ready to go on the KL trip with BIKSS this coming week. 

We leave on Sunday and I can't wait! 

Meanwhile, I shall schedule some posts of  food pics and adventures over the last months. 

Ciao for now!

Plant and Mama Updates

So we've taken her off the sleeping meds altogether, leaving her with only a half dose of the antipsychotic at noon. 

This has translated to her being able to sleep most of the night, waking only once or twice to fidget with her blanket and then going back to sleep again. 

This is progress. And now the next step is to try and cut down her anti-anxiety meds by half and see if that has any effect on her sleeplessness cos before she got started on ANY of these things she was sleeping like a hog. Log. Log. I mean Log. 

 

Heh. 

Meanwhile, I had a lovely brunch on Saturday catching up with fellow Jan birthday babies, and the one whose house we went to has a gorgeous balcone. She is a landscape architect / designer after all! Green and lush and with just the right amount of verdant overgrowth in all the right places. She had too many spider plants so a few came home with me. 

Top view of 3 spider plants on a Tupperware tray (which the mother didn't want me to throw but I had no use for in my kitchen!) in the middle of my living room. 

My student gave me an early birthday plant today... Welcome to your new home, Alocasia. I don't have one yet, so this was a welcome addition to my collection. 

And finally, hope springs eternal! My Aralia isn't dying after all! 

Here's the BEFORE pic- 

It used to be way bushier, but eventually it started to look like this. That's when I started to get worried.

And then 80% of those leaves fell off, and I lost stem after stem and by the time I made up my mind to do something about it, I was left with 5 leaves and 2 stems. I shifted it to the back window. And new leaves started growing, slowly but surely. And a few days ago I saw this shoot! 

So you know, one of the things I'm learning from plant-rearing is that if THEY can survive, then so can I. Pushing through, one stem, one leaf, one day at a time. 

My chip pic today ~ 

Dear Cortisol - Go Away

With mum's condition getting worse over the last few months, I found myself functioning at higher and higher levels of stress. Only, I didn't know until yesterday. 

And today it became apparent that I'm perpetually at "high alert" cos the minute I hear her voice (when we're in different parts of the house) I immediately get into this "ready-get-set-go" mode. 

I don't really know how to explain it eloquently, but it was the same with the father. With each extra thing that required more care (read: coaxing, cajoling, scolding, bargaining... ) my idea of "normal" got pushed farther and farther away from my ACTUAL normal. 

Yesterday mum was very obliging. 

"Would you like to have dinner now?"

"Okay."

"Porridge? Want me to feed you?"

"Yes. Ok."

"Shall we just take meds now so that you don't have to get up again later?"

"Yeah."

"OK, all done. That's it. Can we go get your dentures out?"

"I haven't had dinner... " 

"Yes you have, I fed you. Remember?"

"Oh I have? Ok."

This is not how it used to look. Suddenly I felt very strange. And I remembered a time many months ago when conversations used to be this easy. 

In the meantime my left knee has been acting up and it's hurting like a biatch today. 

I wonder if it's all that sugar causing some extra inflammation. But then, considering my cortisol levels must have been thru the roof, it's no wonder I've been craving the carbs!

Let's hope with the fish oils and the back-to-regular eating this pain will go away soon. 

My mood pic today ~ 

(Axolotl Salamander)

Balance

I've been thinking about this recently. About how everything in life is about balance. 

I eat healthy and exercise regularly to balance out the oxidative stress (from, well, stress and smoking among other things). 

I spend close to nothing on mani-pedis and hair, so that I can afford my monthly massage (which is way more important to me cos without it I start aching like mad!).

Food rescue provides a large portion of my meals, so I can afford to get a catering service twice a week with regular "home-cooked" style meals too. On the one hand it's a bit more expensive but it means I don't have to worry about procuring food from the shops. But just in case, I order frozen veggies and mushrooms in 1kg bags for emergencies. Again this means it's cheaper than running off to the shops and getting them fresh. Not to mention it saves time. Plus I might not be able to get the vegetables I want. (And I also want to support the guy who runs the catering service cos he's a small one man show too!)

(these days this is how we get our food!)

I enjoy shopping and having new clothes / shoes (LOL, as you all know) but with the discount apps and online sources I can still treat myself regularly without spending too much money ($5 for a full-length skirt what???)

I don't want to contribute to too much to waste, so I've found lots of avenues for donating old stuff - from household items to clothes to yes, even food that we don't/can't finish. 

I want to study and learn stuff, and I use my online screen time for that, as well as blogging and necessities like paying bills or renewing permits and insurance policies. But at the same time I also want to just relax and chill out with TV shows and movies. So I often think about balancing play time with work time on the computer too. 

Before the pandemic there was the balancing of my social (and work) life. Time with the folks (now just mum), vs time with BIKSS, vs time with my own friends - and also time to myself (including chill out and exercise time). Work is pretty fixed so it's not like I can change that too much. Altho I do have a say in whether I want to sign up for another course (which counts as work, I suppose) and how much time I want to dedicate to that. 

These days I don't have to think of that many aspects. I'm mostly stuck at home because of the pandemic. I go to work cos that's fixed hours. Piano is a touch and go thing, it kinda depends on restrictions and whether the kids and their parents feel comfortable coming to class. Or whether *I* do. 

But with BIKSS, since we can't eat out anymore, these days it's more of "Do we go exercise tog?" vs sneaking into the room and getting some sexy-time! 

What about you? Do you ever think about how you balance things in your life? 

My mood pic today ~

X is not for Xpectations But It'll Have to Do

Sorry Morningstar, no clever X word here. I could have done something about X-rated... or X-rays... but I had this on my mind and wanted to put it on the blog. 

So, Xpectations it is. 

The one thing I hadn't expected when I got involved with BIKSS was how patient he his. And how important that is in a relationship. As I was reading at Becoming His Slut some time ago I came across a post that hit me on the head with this patience thing. 

Many a time (in the beginning anyway) when we would argue or when I got upset (cos you know, he got upset VERY infrequently) I always expected that this would be the day he decided enough was enough and he didn't need to put up with my crap anymore. 

Perhaps it was because the other men I had dated up to this point were all volatile sorts. One punched a wall. One punched (and smashed) a mirror. One got up and walked out during a pizza-on-the-sofa-watching-telly dinner. One ghosted me. One sunk into depression. All of them taught me that anything that happened was my fault. I was the trigger. I said something. I did something. I made them angry. I hurt them. 

BIKSS taught me that fault is irrelevant. That no matter what happens, Love is still present. The commitment to stick it out and work it thru. To solve the issue, to deal with the problem, to move past the hurt and anger. 

There was always an "after". And any argument or fight or upset feelings were merely temporary ... a break in our regular programming to be dealt with in order to get to that "after". 

And to do that, one had to wait it out, talk it out, think things thru. And for me, this meant taking the time to work out what's what in my brain until I'm able to convey all my feelings and thoughts in words. While I do this, BIKSS waits. He sits with me. He holds me. His calm, stable aura fills up the space we're occupying and envelopes my frantic emotions. 

He is the only person I have been with who has given me the one thing my personality needs in order for a relationship to work. Patience. 

When I'm stressing with work / family / worries, patience. 

When I'm running late cos of some last minute thing or other, patience.

When I'm in a mood and/or grouchy and/or under the weather, patience. 

When I'm pissed at him but can't explain why exactly, patience. 

When I do or say something that hurts him / pisses him off, patience (to let me explain myself). 

When I ramble on about something that I know is totally irrelavent to him but I'm excited about and can't stop myself from going on and on about... patience. 

There are a million other examples where so many times, I realise, we could have ended up in huge fights or worse, but we didn't because of that one rare quality that he has in abundance. 

Patience. 

AND NO ONE (when I was growing up, at least) thought to hint at this being an expectation or a "what to look for" trait in a future partner. 

When we were in school it was always the same for a lot of us - What do you look for in a guy? 

- sense of humour, 

- loyal, 

- responsible, 

- wants kids

- gets along well with my family

- financially independent / stable

- hardworking 

- optimistic

- smart, well educated (not necessarily the same thing too!)

No one said "patience" and no adult around me who heard us thought to interrupt and suggest it either. 

Perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort on wasted relationships if it had just occurred to me sooner. 

Who knows what my life would have looked like if my expectations had been different. 

One thing's for sure, I didn't expect BIKSS. 

But I'm glad he's still here. 

Today's post was brought to you by the letter E pretending to be the letter X

(click the pic above to find out more about the A-Z Blogging Challenge)

Old Friends and New

As I was reading through some of my old posts and comments, reminiscing, I suppose, I came across a comment that June (of Ward & June) left one one of my posts, Secretes of the Sub Sisterhood mentioning that she had added the link to her favourite posts page on her own blog. 

If you've read there before you might have seen it already. But for some reason I only saw it for the first time today. 

So if you're interested in what some of their favourite posts were around blogland, have a look at THIS PAGE which contains a short description and links to the actual posts. Mind you this was a long time ago, in blogland terms anyway, so some of the links might not take you anywhere at all. But it's worth checking out, especially if you're new to DD / Ds / TTWD etc. 

And I just wanted to take the time to say how much I appreciate my early blogging friends, Conina, Kitty, Faerie, who were the first few to reach out and say "you're not alone and you're not weird"... 

Also, Emen, Bas, Jake, Spanky (and the CWS members) , Del Fonte, Geekie Kitty, Master's Piece, Aisha, Renee Rose, SNP, Ami, Dragon's Rose, and slightly more recently, Lil, Pygar & Abby (I do miss you). 

I'm sure there are more but it would take too long to go thru all my comments and list them all! Because yes, I have forgotten some of the names, but I will never forget that they all (like you) made me feel welcome at a time when I really needed to find some people who were like me. They uplifted, supported, encouraged, challenged, and celebrated me and each other. And I am so glad that the same spirit continues on in blogland today, even tho' individual bloggers may come and go. 

(Some of you are still here  - or I've recently found you again *looks at Bleue and DV* - so I shan't add you to that list! LOL)

Thank you for being my people!

My mood pic today ~

Pleasantly Surprised

Females. Girls. Women. We might be living in the safest, most modern of cities, it could be night or day, there may be a crowd or it could be secluded. But one thing is pretty universal - no matter how old or young we are, wherever we are, if there's a dude just loitering by his lonesome we walk a little farther away, we quicken our pace, we look down and pretend not to notice him. 

At least I do. It's the way things are over here. I mean if a guy is walking along, doing stuff, or standing by a bin having a smoke, or taking a breather with a drink in his hand / eating a sandwich,  I would probably just continue on as normal. I'm talking about the blokes who are just standing there in the middle of nowhere and seemingly not doing anything. Those I make it a point to steer clear of.

Which is why when BIKSS came to get me with a brolly, I walked hurriedly away instead of towards him.

Let me explain. 

He drove me to a friend's place for a pick up (I do that food rescue thing remember?) and the carpark is a slight distance away from her block of flats. There is another building that I need walk through to get to hers, and I thought it best to just zip in and out, while BIKSS waited in the car. It had been drizzling on and off all evening and he asked if  I would like him to do the pick up instead. I said no thanks, after all he had already taken the trouble to drive me over there. 

So he said ok, and that he'd wait in the carpark.

Off I went and got my things. As I was heading back to the car the rain had gotten heavier, but I didn't know this as I was under shelter. 

As I came out into the open area I saw a rather large-ish fella hanging around the walkway with an umbrella. It was dark but I could see the car so I made to dash as quickly as I could towards it, adjusting my route so that I walked on the farthest side of him as possible, given whatever space there was.

Only to be accosted by Daddy who had gotten out to wait for me with a brolly so that I wouldn't have to take the 10 steps to the car in the rain. It wasn't pouring mind you, and it was light enough that I wouldn't have used a brolly even if I had one on me. 

But here he was, ready to shelter me back to the car cos it had started to rain. 

And I thought that was the sweetest thing ever!

He, on the other hand, was baffled by my behaviour. He wondered why I was walking so quickly and where I going, cos I seem to have altered course! LOL. 

This led to a lively chat. About how as women we tend to adjust our walk to keep a "safer" distance from certain men, about how when we get into a lift it's reassuring if the lone fella in there takes a step away as if to say "Here, I'll give you more personal space", about how when a guy gets into a lift if we're there first, whether they might get offended if WE moved farther away from the door. And about how all these things aren't formally taught, but get passed down from one generation to the next.

And conversely, those who have NO manners at all and won't even budge when you get into the lift,  guy OR girl!

What do you think? Have you found yourself moving out of a guy's way, or if you're a guy, how have you felt when a woman moved farther away from you... did you feel offended?

I saw this on FB and thought it made a lot of sense. What do you think?

(And there is no mood pic today cos I'm being pensive and reflecting on what he ^ said.)

Discussions and Mindsets - What about the Pre-Spanking Psyche?

There has been a lot of activity at Morningstar's place lately and if you haven't been there to visit and join the chat yet, I encourage you to head over there and join the discussion.

We talk about aftercare a lot. But what about the "before-a-spanking"?

First the gist of the event:

Last Monday I got into a bit of a tiff with BIKSS over something that I shan't dive into in detail because, really, it was just one of those relationship things that happens from time to time. 

Suffice it to say that I was disappointed at something but eventually found time to communicate to him that it wasn't so much the thing itself (because his logic for the decision was very sound) but that his delivery of it made me feel, well, pretty sucky. (Plus, Mondays are always busy days for me at work and that is probably the WORST time in the world to give me 'bad' news.)

Eventually he got round to explaining the reason for his 'something' and I understood why he did it. I can't say I'm pleased with the situation or that it doesn't bug me, but I don't blame him. And that's an important distinction, for me at least. 

Which brings me to the discussion about aftercare. While we all know that for the spankee it is so, so crucial in reinforcing that feeling of being cherished and loved and knowing that we (for I am of the spankee species) are safe and not just a thing to be smacked around (unless that's your thing, but this isn't what I'm talking about here...), BIKSS has also shared with me that as a spanker, he finds that engaging in aftercare is reassuring for him, in that my accepting it lets him know that I'm not going to suddenly turn around and scream abuse, or as I said on Morningstar's blog, that *this* is not the straw that's going to break the kinky camel's back. 

I'm not sure I'm doing a terribly fabulous job of explaining this, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say: that after every 'rough' session (whether it's impact play, bondage, whatever) there is a fear that the spankee may feel ashamed / afraid / turned off / pushed beyond limits to the point that she (or he, but I'll just use she) calls it quits. And the closeness and loving that comes from/during aftercare provides reassurance to not just the spankee but the spanker as well. 

And now that we have THAT sorted, the event on Monday got me thinking about the Before-a-Spank too. Given that I was feeling miffed and upset and disappointed earlier in the day, I don't think it would have been a good idea to just jump into a spanking session, even if for play/fun, despite the fact that I might have come across as being back to my normal self. 

Wait, I have so many thoughts jumping around in my head right now, I'm going to try and put them here in as organised a fashion as I possibly can. But you will forgive me if it comes out a bit jumbled.

1 - I KNOW in my brain that I have nothing to be upset with him about. 

2 - BUT knowing in your brain doesn't mean the rest of your 'mood' automatically gets updated and synced to line up with your brain.

3 - Fake it till you make it is a thing for me. When I know I shouldn't be pulling a long face and being morose, especially if it means ruining whatever time we'll be spending together, I try to put on a brave front and focus on the positive things rather than be moody. I don't think of it as 'pretending' per se, just making a conscious effort to be un-gloomy, for that never did anyone any good - and I don't want to end up with an evening spent on grouch island. ESPECIALLY when I know at some point the rest of me will catch up with my brain and be over it. 

4 - BUT sometimes this means that I look normal and fine and if the opportunity presents itself we might end up with some sexy playtime.

5 - If sexy playtime is too soon after the emotional impact of the bad 'thing' affecting me then it is almost inevitable that I end up feeling even worse than before. 

6 - Which is why knowing oneself is super super important, and being able to communicate oneself's feelings to one's other half is probably even MORE important. And sometimes I just say - "I don't feel up to it, and I may or may not know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm not ready to talk about it or I don't know how to put it in words to tell you about it yet."

7 - This sometimes gets the conversation re-started. It's not unheard of for a tiff to appear to have been sorted out, only to discover later on during one of these talks that there was more to it than either of us thought. 

8 - THESE are the kinds of Pre-Spank-Psyche checks that I sometimes think are just as, if not more, important than aftercare. 

For if either party isn't completely honest with themselves and their partner in terms of how they're feeling about something that happened, or the other person's attitude or behaviour, or something that they did that hurt you, then I can only imagine the kind of damage that could be done to one's feelings / spirit / soul / heart... call it what you will. 

9 - Sometimes the conversation doesn't get re-started right away, but we spend time cuddling or he holds me and we just let our (read: my) feelings settle down a bit in a safe and reassuring space.

10 - These quiet hold-me-close moments tell me I'm important, and how I'm feeling is valid, and if I need him to just be with me then that's what he'll do, without needing any further explanation. 

To ignore one's feelings or dismiss them as nothing, or be told that one is over-reacting can stir up all sorts of feelings of mistrust, resentment, all that nasty stuff. And I don't think there is any reason to inflict that kind of pain on yourself or your partner.

I mean, in my opinion, the only thing that should hurt from all of this is your butt!

My mood pic today ~ 

The Last Post

...of the year. 

Today I filled up a form for the vaccine. Since I'm working in healthcare I get dibs. The first wave of vaccinations have been reserved for medical staff and frontline workers. Once they've received my details, I'll get a letter / email / text message informing me which clinic I should go to, and when, in order to get jabbed. 

I was on the fence at first, but after listening to my boss whom I hold in very high regard, and watching some interviews and reading the research papers, I think I will go ahead with it. 

In case you wanted to watch an interview re the vaccine, this is a good one : 

Today my live in helper had the day off and mum had been curious to try out a new restaurant near her old place. 

The son that can do no wrong was supposed to take her there for Christmas lunch. But they ended up at some other Thai place and she still has no idea why... I told her it's probably because they didn't make a reservation. 

The place has some very good value-for-money set meals that are very popular and it's notoriously crowded. I rang yesterday to make a reservation for lunch today. I had booked a table for 1.30, which normally isn't a busy time for the eateries in this area. The restaurants to the left and right of it were empty. But when we arrived we had to wait for about 5 minutes as they got our table ready (we were a little bit early) and as we walked to our seats I noticed that all the other tables were occupied. 

She had a traditional Chinese fish head hot pot and I had the shabu pork belly and prawn set.

If weird Asian food freaks you out.. I suggest you say goodbye now and click out of this post. Or else keep reading for pics! 

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The table top was mega colourful! With an induction plate for the soup pot.

My bowl of mushrooms and veggies, I don't like piping hot food so hot pot meals for me are a bit of an exercise in patience. I remove the cooked food from the main pot then wait for it to cool.

Close up of the pork and prawns and chopped up fish head. I come from a country where many of us grew up with fish head curry, fish head steamboat (aka hotpot), and grilled fish head etc.

She seemed to enjoy her lunch, and I think maybe I should start a new tradition. Perhaps the last day of the year is a fine time for us to do some mother-daughter bonding. 

When I got home I found a package had arrived for me - I ordered a mat/rug for my room to exercise on. It arrived today and I absolutely love it. It wasn't the design I originally wanted, but everyone chose this one over the heart prints (they said it was too cheesy!) and I'm glad I went along with popular opinion. The pink and red hearts would have been a bit too loud in the little space on my floor that the rug occupies. 

Later my sister and niece are coming over to hang out and watch the online streaming of the fireworks. They're broadcasting it on TV so we intend to have a go at some blackjack while watching the New Year's countdown show on the telly. 

It's nice that she would come all this way, cos they don't exactly live nearby, and transportation will be expensive tonight. 

I am grateful for that, and for the day I had. (My boss also gave me a huge discount on my flu jab - almost at cost! And I didn't even have to pay for *that*, cos he's applying for some sort of govt vaccination subsidy scheme on my behalf.)

The last day of the year has been a pretty awesome one. Let's hope this is a sign that 2021 will be just as swell! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

Running To Him - Or Running Away?

During post-sex cuddles is typically when we have a lot of space to explore our thoughts - or BIKSS has time to probe into my brain and I have time to float about in there and think about the past, myself, growth, fears and anything else that requires good strong emotional scaffolding before one goes diving into potentially murky reservoirs of memories and dredging up things that sometimes should remain sunk and buried. 

So the most recent chat we had of this nature was about how I was grateful for all the safety nets, harnesses, ladders and air mattresses that he has surrounded me with as I navigated this relationship with him. 

In the past whenever a partner reacted negatively to something I did / said, I made a mental note of never sharing it with my other half again. This, you can imagine, is detrimental for downline relationship building. I internalised all the criticisms and believed I wasn't enough - not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, slim enough, cool enough. It just stacked up one after another. 

The result of all this is that sometimes when I'm faced with uncertainty /sadness /doubt /fear or anything that one would usually think of running TOWARDS a partner with (for sharing, or because one needed comforting, presumably) I would, instead, tuck it far away inside me, or sometimes haul the dark cloud over my shoulder and run in the opposite direction. 

This has no doubt led to many misunderstandings - when one can tell a friend something that one cannot tell a boyfriend, and that friend happens to be a guy, the boyfriend is BOUND to get suspicious. 

I could call a spade a spade and say "When I tell John about it he doesn't judge me and I feel as if you blame ME for everything that goes wrong in my life - which makes me feel small and unworthy." But I've tried that and it only leads to more problems. 

The thing is, I should have just WALKED AWAY.  It's not that I shouldn't try and solve problems and work out issues. What it is is that I should have known when it wasn't possible to have a reasonable conversation with someone and that the person I was in love with was flawed and incapable of communicating rationally.

If I could go back in time and teach myself a lesson, this would be it. 

So anyway it only took forever for BIKSS to peel away those layers and teach me that I could trust him NOT to diss me. And for that I'm grateful. It feels fantastic to be able to take anything I'm feeling and run TO him with it, instead of away from him. More than the love, or more than the kink, more than the DDlg, I appreciate him for being my safe space.

Then comes the next part. I sometimes browse through my dating app, just to see what's out there. 

Would I go on dates? Yes. I have before. Is BIKSS fine with it? He is. We both know the day will come when we will be no more. 

Am I gunning for a new beau? No. But I'm open to meeting someone, either to be exclusive with, eventually, or as part of an open relationship... I'm not sure. But we're fluid that way, for now at least. 

So I said to BIKSS that this ability for me to come to him with EVERYTHING, is either going to make it REALLY easy for the next chap in that he won't have to do the peeling of all those gunky fucked up layers, cos it's already done! OR it's going to be really hard for the next guy I date cos I think at the slightest hint of being made to feel the way my ex-es made me feel, I would turn around and give him my "Now look here, I don't deserve this" speech. 

The up side is that I'm better equipped to deal with assholes now.  The down side - it's gonna be tough finding someone who can scaffold as well as BIKSS can. 

It's constant aftercare for my psyche.

Wham Bam - Let's hang out at my place

Part 1 - This is the Wham Bam bit....

BIKSS arrived early. I hadn't done the laundry. I hadn't showered. I was supposed to have gotten all of that sorted before he showed up. But who's complaining right? 

After I whirlwind-ed around the home putting everything away and getting all the chores done, I stepped into the shower and shoved him into the room to wait for me. 

The a/c was on so he hung out there cooling down from having been out in the afternoon heat. When I got into the room I pulled out two packages. The people who have been sending me toys to review had delivered another two. I've had so little time to play with BIKSS that they've been sitting unopened in my wardrobe for about 3 weeks now. Don't ask. It's a sad state of affairs when one gets free vibes but hasn't got the time to rip open the packages to play with them.  

Anyway we take everything out and oooh and aaah at the vibrators but decide that the dual penetration one might NOT be a great idea since I was having some stomach trouble recently. We decided on the Paloqueth Thrusting Silicone Rabbit Vibrator. 

I'm not going to do the review right now tho, and if you carry on reading you'll know why. 

After we cleaned it up and took a brief look at the manual (to see how to work the buttons) I climbed into bed and bemaoned the fact that BIKSS was still clothed! I mean, it's been SOOOOOO long since we had any play time, and he's mucking about with his jeans still on? 

I'm naked for goodness' sake. 

So there he is, taking his clothes off and as he frees Roger I lean forward to suck on him. Now this was no ordinary tease and lick. This was a Let-me-at-em Scrappy do style attack. It had been such a long time since I had him in my mouth that if I had to describe the way I went for his cock the only word I could use would be "greedily". I know how cliched that sounds, but believe me, I plunged my mouth on that cock so quickly even BIKSS was a little bit shocked. He made some "uff" sounds, cos, I'm assuming, it felt good for him, but I bet there was a little bit of surprise in there too. 

There was no subtlety, no variation, just good old fashioned in-and-out sucking. He grabbed my hair, wrapped one hand around my neck, played with my nipples, pinched, pulled... 

"I want cock, daddy."

And cock I got. 

That new vibrator? It lay untouched by the side. Ah well, maybe next time we'll be able to play with that. 

Part 2 - Let's hang out at my place.

These last few months that the niece has been here I've tried to minimise the number of occasions that BIKSS comes round and bumps into her. It's not like she doesn't know, I mean, I've told her. And she doesn't really care. I just kinda feel weird having a man in the house - in my room - while she's pottering about outside. Somehow if she were holed up in a guest room in some other part of the house I don't think it would be as weird. But seeing as how she's camping out in the living room, I just figured it'd be less awkward for everyone if we didn't go at it like bunnies with the youngling in the house. 

So anyway, she's met BIKSS multiple times before and knows him as uncle Bob. Some time ago as we were having one of our heart to hearts I told her that we were involved. She was having some sort of "Am I weird for being different /thinking differently /doing things other people don't do" type of crisis. I'm simplifying, but suffice it to say that I thought that sharing this secret part of my life might help her see that the normal, straight-laced, prescribed lives that she assumes everyone around her was living may not be quite the whole picture. 

I know the kind of person she is, so I also knew that she wouldn't freak out or anything. 

Anyway, after that Lebanese dinner on Friday night, I told him that my tummy was unhappy and of if only we could just hang out at home till it was time to meet my food-rescue friend to pick up some stuff from him. Thing is, usually the niece is gone home by then. But this weekend she was going to stay the whole weekend cos she had some event on Saturday and felt it was a waste of time to travel to and fro so she decided not to make the weekend trip home.

"Then let's hang out at home" he said. 

And really, I couldn't think of any reason why not, especially since it was "legit" -we had time to kill and I wasn't feeling great. 

So that's what we did. I texted the niece in advance saying my tummy was icky and we had time to kill, so don't be alarmed (and put on some shorts) cos uncle Bob was with me and we were coming home to hang out for a bit before heading out to meet the food-rescue dude (whom she has also met). 

I also said we'd just hang out in my room so we'll be out of her way. Turns out she didn't even get the texts cos she was in the shower the whole time. When we got home she was just coming out of the bathroom and I announced that uncle Bob was with me, and did she see my texts? She said no, but oh hi! Then went about doing her own shit. 

I think it was a non-event for her. And it probably bugged me WAY more than it did her. I can thank this annoying habit I have called overthinking. 

And after that I felt a little bit silly. 

It's Getting Easier...

... to ask him for help. To say it's heavy, please take it off my breaking arms. 

... to tell him my thoughts. From big lofty dreams to sick fantasies; from mundane musings to exciteable adventures. Even tho I realise what I call adventure may be just a trip to the bookstore for some. 

... to say don't go. I need you. Stay 5 minutes longer cos I'm feeling adrift and I need an anchor. 

... to admit that I dreamed sexy dreams about someone else, that I got butterflies in my tummy when I saw the father of my godson in a plaid shirt in church. 

... to not freak out and panic at every little thing. Cos Daddy's right there and even if something measures "disaster" on my scale of 1 to 10, the fact that he's not freaking out along with me probably means it's closer to "oh crap, that's inconvenient". Usually he's right. And I'm learning to trust his scale and adjust my own.

... to let him pay for stuff. "I have no money. Will you feed me?" And he always wants to, I just used to feel bad about it. I feel less bad now. 

... to tell him what I want. Buy me a book Daddy!? That's how I scored my Dr Seuss books innit?

... to let him love me. To believe that I'm loveable the way I am. Instead of thinking I have to constantly prove that I'm worth loving. 

All I Really Wanted was some D/s

The thing about talking about fantasies, is that it really gets me going. We had a long and lovely session in bed last night after dinner and washing up, and got to talking about threesomes and rape fantasies. 

But what I realised was at the time when those fantasies started appearing in my head, I didn't have the right label for them. They always involved rough sex, being taken, forced into bed, even being brought to task with a spanking.  When BIKSS asked about the actual scenarios, I told him it didn't really "look" like a rape fantasy, truth be told. He suggested a few scenes - kidnapped and chucked into a van, captured by terrorists, I can't remember the third.

It was none of those. It was just some hot dude that I fancied and I was always willing (deep down) to let him have his way with me, but the story always involved one of two things - 1) I wasn't in the mood / I was being bratty and mean to him, or 2) perhaps it was too soon, we hadn't known each other long enough, or we weren't officially dating and so the sex was unexpected.

BIKSS shared that he too had had rough-sex fantasies.. But we clarified that it wasn't really about rough sex. It was dominant sex - Do-What-I-Say sex. I kinda figured rough sex would involve BOTH parties wanting to have sex, just the manner in which they did it involved more manhandling - from both sides.

We were young and clueless about the BDSM world when these fantasies began to pop into our heads. But looking back, the style of the sex fit in perfectly with the way we NOW have sex. I guess I knew what I wanted all along, I just didn't know what it was called. 

The Post Worktrip Reunion (Part 2)

Part 1 can be found here.

When we got home he had me in the shower where I carefully removed my plug. It was all good. No harm no foul. 

I was still horny as anything. But that little adventure seemed to have tempered my libido somewhat. 

After towelling off we headed straight for some long-awaited cuddles. 

But that soon led to blowjob city. While he was watching the OM instructional video preoperly (cos he didn't get a chance to watch all of it before) I decided to ease some of the discomfort in his balls and ever-hardening cock. Oh wait. I think I might have been responsible for causing the hard-ship in the first place. *wink*

It was decided that he would have a cum first, so as not to prolong his agony (who cares about mine tho, right?) and after that he could OM me properly. Well, he's not a nasty fuck. I was the one who suggested it. Cos I'm a caring sub that way. :)

It didn't take too much effort for him to cum as he had also been orgasm-less during my no-cum period. I must say I was very touched that he abstained from cumming too, and chose to wait for me. I made a right mess with saliva dripping off him every-bluddy-where, so I towelled him off with a warm face cloth. We then we got into our OM positions and he proceeded to touch my very tingly, very horny, very needy lady bits. Ah, this is what I've been waiting for!

Eventually we gave up trying to follow the instructions (where to stroke, where to place the thumb) and just had a long and delightful session of touching, and fingering, and rubbing. It was made more exciting (and heightened the sense of submission) for me cos if you remember the OM position, he left leg is smack across my body. This meant I couldn't wiggle out from my position and my pussy was at his mercy. I'm sure this doesn't count as bondage per se. But I was definitely bound.

And I was going insane with needing to cum. 

So I finally asked him if I could have my vibe. 

He assisted;  finger(s) in pussy; heel of his palm resting and pressing against my vibe pushing on my clit. I think he had my nipples in his mouth too, but I can't be sure. I was only feeling the wonderful sensations on my deprived clit. 

I was going to cum, a great big cum, I could feel it, and I couldn't stop it. And I didn't even need to tense my muscles (he mentioned it after, and I said, well yeah, I kinda didn't need to!). It just rolled across my entire vulva, starting from the top and moving downwards and outwards. Yes. I know that isn't the most poetic description. But that's what it felt like. 

Daddy didn't need an invitation. He climbed on top of me and dived right into my pulsating pussy. 

I screamed with each thrust. I don't know whether it was because the contractions in my vagina were just so intense from that cum, or that we hadn't had sex in two weeks, but I felt full and bursting and it was amazing. 

~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of the whole evening tho, what mattered the most to me wasn't the great sex, the long-awaited cum, or even that we were celebrating 7 years of nooky. What I really loved about this whole exercise / episode was being able to submit and obey; being of service, and giving him pleasure; making him laugh and amusing him with my wit and tongue (no not just in that way... but yes, also in that way!) and most of all - giving him the opportunity to be the Daddy Dom that he is. 

FFF2.0 - 9 Marching into March

This week I've been thinking a lot about moving jobs. It's not so much that I'm not happy where I am, but more like I feel the tug to make a more meaningful difference in the world. Does that make sense? As we March on into March, perhaps it's time for me to take stock of where I am job-wise. 

When I started teaching one of the things that was so gratifying for me was knowing that I taught these kids a whole new skill, an entirely foreign "language", and beyond that, life lessons - I know because some of them have come back to look me up and tell me so. I was a mentor to many of them (ha! If they only knew about my secret spanky life!) and I myself have learnt many things from them! 

But now it feels like all the life paths that I was meant to cross have been crossed, all the kids I was meant to share something meaningful with have finished their learning journey with me and are now grown and forging their own paths as young adults. 

And I find myself growing restless in a job where I'm not making any *real* difference to anyone. Well, maybe my boss. But he could easily find someone else to do the work I do. And we could still keep in touch if he misses my wit and humour, or wants advice or feedback on stuff. 

So a friend dropped me a link to a job opening in her workplace. And at first I thought that might be exactly what I needed! But now, a day later, I'm beginning to wonder if that wasn't just the nudge I needed to think about moving. For if she hadn't thrown that link at me, I wouldn't have started thinking about moving jobs in the first place. But now that I have, I'm seriously thinking about what I want to do next. Like, ACTIVELY thinking about it. 

Anyway, that's just me mulling over this job situation.

I hope I don't take too long to decide.

But that's not what you're here for. So last week's numbers :

Average step count - 12315
Highest no in a day - 18542 (that's the day we went on our city walkabout which I mentioned last week)
No of  > 10k steps days - 6


At least Olivia's fitbit is working again :)

Roz says:

I have been continuing trying to get back on track with my exercises and am slowly increasing the amount I do. I still don't know how I used to do the number I did lol. From the previous Friday to Friday just gone I have exercised 5 days (none over this weekend) and have been continuing with the stairs at work.

A Word From BIKSS on Being Daddy

Fondles asked me to write a post for the blog about why I still want to be Daddy even though sometimes things go wonky, and I was halfway through writing the post when my laptop decided to go walkabout with my efforts. 

Crash and burn! Document not even saved automatically. 

So here I am again, starting from scratch. 

[Your effort is much appreciated Daddy.]

I haven’t given much thought as to why I am Daddy and I have to admit I have never thought of giving up being Daddy, mainly because I believe Fondles is worth my time and my love. 

I still see the person I cared for so long ago. I guess it’s just like it is when you live with someone losing or putting on weight, you seldom notice anything different until that “Eureka” moment when you suddenly notice a huge difference from the person you first knew. 

Don’t get me wrong, she is right in saying there are wonky moments. She can be difficult, as can most strong and smart women, but over the years, mainly before we got involved in the relationship, I’ve learnt that that is just her way of dealing with things. Offence is the best defence. 

I want to be that person whom she runs to so she doesn’t have to be constantly on the offence, the one person she can come to and, for a time, let go of the day-to-day. 

Through her I learn patience. Yes, lidl one, it takes effort as does anything that deserves my time.  

Anyway, that’s the way I see it.

It’s definitely not a one-sided situation. She is good for me too. 

I can be a bit of a pain as well of course. 

I have told her she is my “eye of the storm”. When I’ve had a hard day at work and I feel irritated and worn out, being in her arms calms me. For a time the only thing that exists is another being in my arms. I can take a deep breath and relax. I hope that I do the same for her. 

[You do.]

She enjoys experiencing things for the first time and I like being able to give her new experiences when I can.

She told me once before that she could never let her guard down with her previous boyfriends because they just didn’t step up. Even their cuddle-time was more about HER cuddling THEM than the other way around. I hope I step up enough for her. 

I don’t want to disappoint her, having been given this amazing opportunity to be the man she allows to see her at her most vulnerable, when she relaxes and lets the worries of the day take a backseat for a while. 

Hopefully I make her happy, I know she makes ME happy, and maybe I’m a good influence on her. I certainly hope so, because, as I said at the beginning of this post, she is worth it. 

And that’s why I continue to be Daddy.