The Dialogue and My State of Mind

The dialogue... that made me realise just how much he loves me.

(The conversation that went on before this basically consisted of me trying to explain to him that I work under the premise that every choice we make involves a trade off. If dealing with crappy colleagues is worth the pay at one's present place of employment, one would stay. If having a greasy burger once a week is worth the higher risk of heart disease, one would have that burger - and fries to go along. And so if I thought quitting the smokes 100% was worth doing for him, I would do it. 

But obviously, in my head, not being a legitimate couple and being part of an illicit affair just wasn't enough for me to give up something I enjoy. Which means it would only work if I gave it up for MYSELF. In which case, I had every right to decide if I wanted to have a go every once in a while. After all, the goal - according to him too - was to have me choose to quit for ME. So that also meant that it was a decision for me to make. Expecting me to do it for him just wasn't fair and I couldn't rationalise it no matter which way I tried.

Fact: if push comes to shove, I'd be the first thing that he dropped. He can't give up work, nor is he about to quit his wife and kids. 

Fact: I see him an average of 6-8 hours a week. To me, that's not enough face time that I would give up something I enjoyed for. 

I think in the end he understood what I was saying. And I know I wrote earlier that it would stick this time cos I'd made the decision for me, but as Young Lady says, it's hard saying "I'm not ready to do this for you" and perhaps that's the mistake I keep making. Perhaps I was trying to prove to him that I was worthy. Perhaps what I should have been, was more honest with him, and with myself. Well, no time like the present to fix things. Although it would have been a heck of a lot easier of I just didn't pretend it wasn't broken in the first place.)

---------------------------

So if you do go ahead and have a smoke, you can tell me. I won't be upset. Although I won't be thrilled about it. 

Would it be better if I just didn't tell you? 

Then I'll always be wondering won't I?

Well, yes, but that also means you won't have to go thru this emotional upheaval again and again.

Feels like that's all I've done since I was her age

But will YOU be able to keep it hidden? Some day you'll feel so terrible about it that you're going to want to tell me, like you did this time... 

Nah, if it means it's easier for you to handle, I'll just not tell you. It's easy. 

Oh? 

Yes. I'll just re-build a wall that was once there, and go behind it. And you'll never have to hear about the smoking again. 

The whole point is to break down the walls.

But if it means saving someone I love from heartache, I'd do it. 

No. If and when you do feel like you want to have a cigarette, and you do, you can tell me. I won't be upset. I won't get angry. Because I'd rather you tell me, than go and hide behind your walls again. 

Hmm, I'll quit for good when you live with me. :)

---------------------------

I am blown away by how he would rather have to cope with feeling sad that I'd choose to have a puff, than let me hide behind my walls. 

I am also recently aware of something about his wife. And that made me slightly victorious. I told him so - that it made me feel a little better about myself knowing that she wasn't this perfect little thing. 

And having said that, in a strange way, it made me angry that she wasn't. Because if he were mine, I would be perfect for him. And since she's the one that scored his lifetime marriage commitment, I almost feel as if she OWED it to him, and to me, because I love him so much, to at least TRY to be perfect for him, because he deserves it. I am halfway to indignant when I say I'm not even his (officially) and I'm trying so hard to please him, and it kills me inside when I know I'm disappointing him. But there she is taking for granted her status as his wife. I want to say to her, if you don't treasure him, if you don't care about being perfect for him, and pleasing him, and serving him, then let ME do it. Cos he deserves it. 

Ok, I don't know where that came from. I can't explain it. But I suspect it stems from my feelings of possessiveness. I feel for him the reflection of how I feel when I'm feeling owned BY him. Am I making any sense? I don't have the word for it.  

It's like when someone feels possessive over another, they only want the best things for them. I guess that's how I feel for BIKSS. But since I can't be there to fix his meals and iron his clothes and welcome him home to a clean house, then the next best thing is that the woman who IS able to do all that SHOULD!

Any psych practitioners wanna take a stab at my state of mind?