Stress, Sleep, Support

I'm writing this just after midnight. So I'll be quick. 

Over the last week the mother has been acting strange. More chatty, displaying a juvenile sense of humour, fixating on TV programming - not the dramas she watches, but the programming in general. She has been saying things that don't make sense, connecting seemingly unrelated events, making up weird conclusions about things (the TV station is closing down) and coming up with nonsensical explanations for these unwarranted conclusions (.. because they have no money so that's why the mints now cost $300 instead of just $100 like they used to in the past - and they can't get local actors because the Australians are paying them more money to advertise their shows so that's why they have to close the station). What? So basically she isn't making any sense. 

This is worrying because 1) It reminds me of my dad's battle with dementia, 2) It seems to have progressed quite rapidly - in the span of a week or so, 3) I can't tell if she is just randomly making things up or if that discomfort in her foot / chest / head / neck / shoulder / knee is real. 

The boss doctor man has written up a referral for a geriatric specialist. He doesn't think it's dementia, but he *is* worried it might be a micro stroke or subdural bleed from the fall she had in December. Apparently it can take months for a slow bleed to show up a personality change among other things. 

We're waiting for the specialist clinic to call me back with an appointment date but in the meantime I'm stressing out at having to deal with her incessant talking and very strong opinions about how the TV people are irresponsible because they stop the show before it ends. (She can't tell that it's a commercial and thinks the show has been cut off.) And when it continues after the commercial break she gets mad because they can't make up their minds if they want to show it or not, stopping halfway and starting up again when they feel like it. She's really mad at them, let me tell you. 

In the past, as I've mentioned to BIKSS, my brain used to keep me awake during periods of stress. I'd be up way before my alarm rang, I'd sleep for 2 hours and wake up for no good reason (sometimes one has to pee, and that's a pretty good reason imo), or it would take me forever to fall asleep etc. 

This time round, perhaps because I know we have a plan, all my body wants to do is SLEEP. I've been napping and napping and when I *am* awake I'm yawning and yawning, and constantly tired. On the way to dinner earlier I said to BIKSS "I've been yawning (he said he noticed), and that's AFTER a solid 2 hour nap, and right now if you put me in a comfy bed and turned down the lights I would happily go right to sleep again." He is familiar with this phenomenon as HIS body has always reacted to stress this way - stress = sleep.

And speaking of dinner, that was BIKSS changing his plans to help me cope with being around my mother. I think a lot of it is fear - about something we are only able to guess at and not have a definite answer for. Fear, that if this isn't physiological then it might be a very quick progression of dementia. Fear, that I won't be able to show her the love and patience that I know I want to, and that I know she needs. 

And I cannot stand it. 

Last night before going to bed I said to him that if he could change his plans, I could really do with him coming over to have dinner with us, or we could take mum to eat, if only because I didn't know if I could handle being alone with her all afternoon / evening. My caregiver was going to be out as it was her day off, and I didn't think I would be able to last all day and night with mum's current state being what it is. 

He came by, got us, and we went for a quick and simple dumpling soup (and noodles for mum) and chicken chop dinner, then a stroll along the beach. She had a good time, enjoyed looking at the boats, admired the lights coming from the long stretch of chalets, reminisced about her youth and how they would come to the beach to fish and camp overnight. 

Then we went home and that was 3 hours of reprieve for me, from having to face her constant chatter and strange made-up logic alone. 

He recognises that it took a damn lot for me to open my mouth and ask if he would come to my rescue for dinner cos 1) Usually if he's made plans with the family then there's a high chance he can't back out of it and I won't bother asking because I hate rejection (especially when the reason is his family); and 

2) In the first place, I just hate needing help - especially when it's an emotional type of situation. I mean, I won't ever hesitate if it's brute force I require and little tiny me just doesn't have the strength / height  or even know-how to do something. But when it's cos I feel overwhelmed, afraid, unable to cope, it's really hard for me to say "I need support". Somehow over the years I've programmed myself to think that support is for the weak. And I hate being weak. 

But hey, at least this time I managed to open my mouth and ask for it. But that is also a pretty huge indicator of how much this whole situation is affecting me. 

Fingers crossed they figure it out soon and find a thing that they can fix. The alternative is just too much for me to imagine right now.

My mood pic today ~ 

Adjustment Disorder

I don't like change either.

That's what they're calling it. Apparently it's a thing.

I didn't know they had a name for it.

Now I do.

Nowadays it's offically called Stress Response Syndrome

But the Doc at the mental health clinic called it Adjustment Reaction.

I have 11 out of the 14 symptoms listed here.

(And also - he says I seem to have 'passive' suicidal thoughts.)

• Feeling of hopelessness
• Sadness
• Frequent crying
• Anxiety (nervousness)
• Worry
• Headaches or stomachaches
• Palpitations (an unpleasant sensation of irregular or forceful beating of the heart)
• Withdrawal or isolation from people and social activities
• A new pattern of absence from work or school
• New and uncharacteristic dangerous or destructive behavior, such as fighting, reckless driving, and vandalism
• Changes in appetite, either loss of appetite, or overeating
• Problems sleeping
• Feeling tired or without energy
• Increase in the use of alcohol or other drugs

Right then. After talking to the kind doctor (he was a gentle soft-spoken Indian chap) we now have somewhat of a plan. 

I'm waiting for them to assign me a therapist who specialises in family issues. They'll probably help develop some coping strategies so I can help ME support MYSELF as I deal with the stressors. Perhaps a support group as well? It depends. 

After that I'll pay another visit to the doctor for him to assess the usefulness and efficacy of the therapy sessions. That will be in Jan. 

And so. That's the plan for now. 

FFF #35 Recap and Weekend Ups and Downs

I'm not the only person for whom time went wonky this weekend.

Olivia kind of forgot Friday but she has great news. Read her update here.

Roz's comment ~

Way to go on your steps! I have only done my exercises 3 days this week with one thing and another. I did mow the lawn this evening though. Does that count? lol. I have also slowly just started doing the stairs at work again.

The response is YES IT COUNTS. Any getting-up-and-going activity counts! Hurray on starting the stairs at work. Incorporating steps into daily life is probably the best (least intrusive) way to get exercise! 

My weekend has been weird. Saturday night I had a last minute ride-along with BIKSS cos he had visitors in town from overseas and asked if I wanted to come with to drop something off to them. He didn't seem to mind at my being there, after all, we ARE old friends - 30 years under our belt and all. 

Turned out to be a double date of sorts LOL. 

In the end we went for beers (while I had tea) and spent a little over a couple of hours out. 

We made a plan for Sunday morning (that's today, which is why my schedule is a little thrown) to see said visitors off at the airport and then get breakfast. 

It turned out to be a chicken and waffle brunch (TOTALLY YUMS)  before he dropped me off for my Sunday afternoon lessons. 

The parents who have been here every Sunday didn't come today cos the father was being stubborn. So I was looking forward to a relatively quiet evening after class and even planned a little nap. 

Unfortunately the brother started his nonsense again and ended up getting me fuming mad. I have since blocked him and deleted his number from my phone, AND blocked him on FB. He's just too draining and if I have to suffer one more interaction with him I will go bonkers. 

I'm going to the agency tomorrow to see about getting another live-in helper for mum. We met one of the candidates last Friday and she seems to be a better fit. 

If you're religious at all, I'm asking you, my blogland friends, please please please say a little prayer for us that this one works out - even amid the idiot brother's objections to having a helper in the house. Yes. He actually said NO - that he doesn't approve of getting another caregiver for my parents. 

I told him to shut up and that it's not up for discussion. 

If you have siblings whom you love and who love you and aren't assholes, BE VERY GRATEFUL. Tell them you love them. Do it today. Right now. Because some siblings are just grade A asshats. 

The Day After That - Fondles' Friday Fone Fiasco

After my day from hell, things went much better on (as Mrs Fever calls it) 'rebound' day. 

But then it went a little mad in the afternoon after leaving work yesterday. I hopped out of the boss's car (he usually drops me off at a bus stop where I can catch a service that goes straight home) and was reaching into my bag for my cell to call the bff and let her know I was en route. We made plans to lunch together. Only, my fone was no where in sight. 

Oh, I must have left it at the office. Which is locked. And my boss has the key. Cos they've just changed the doors and we haven't had the chance to get the keys duplicated. Great. I'll just take a bus to the train station, and head to the main clinic which is where my boss was headed. I'll get the key from him. But um, how do I contact the bff. Maybe I should go home, get on messenger (facebook) and text her. 

Right. That's what I'll do. I'll hop onto a bus. No wait. My travel card is in the pocket of my fone case. Ok - so I have no card. No problem. I'll just drop some change into the box and get a ticket. Wait. I don't have any coins. Or dollar bills, or 2-dollar bills. The smallest note I have is a 10. 

Hmmm, better I take a cab. It'll get me home quicker anyway. So I flag one down. And tell the taxi man my address. Off we go. In the meantime, he seems chatty and friendly. I ask him really nicely if I could borrow his fone cos mine was trapped in the office. He didn't mind, and I rang the bff. Thank goodness I could remember her number. 

She rejected my call. Twice. Sure. I get it. Unknown number and all that. I'll send her a text. Er, the fone's language was set to Chinese. Eek. Um, symbols are universal tho. I click what I think is a message icon. Aha! Success. 

"Hey Betty, it's Fondles - pick up the fone." 

Then I call again. She picks up this time. I tell her what happened and I can HEAR her rolling her eyeballs. OK OK, go sort it out, she says. She'll be fine. 

So I tell the driver maybe we should just go straight to the main clinic - forget about the address I gave you earlier. 

We get on the expressway and $20 later I'm at the main clinic. 

I walk in and my boss looks up shocked. What are you doing here? 

I explain everything. He tries not to laugh, unsuccessfully. And shakes his head in what he hopes looks like commiseration I bet. 

Then I ask him if I can get on the net on his computer cos I wanted to send a text off to BIKSS. 

He logs out of his FB acc and I log into mine. BUT I wasn't sure if FB messenger was safe to send messages on - there have been instances in the past when he would say NOT to use it in case the wife was online and saw the notification. 

Hm, maybe I should call his office. Cos I can't remember his mobile numbers. Yeah, yeah. I've since asked him for the numbers and written them down on a piece of paper and stuffed it in my wallet. 

Anyway, I look up the web for his company's page and ring the main number. I ask for him when the guy picks up and soon I hear Daddy's voice on the other end. Finally I feel some sort of relief.  I wasn't calling to ask for help, per se, cos I knew he was at work. But ... if I'm to be honest - I was hoping that he would come to my rescue. 

"It's your little girl," I say. "I'm using the clinic's main line cos I left my fone at work and cabbed here to get the key from boss so that I can go back there and retrieve my fone." 

"Where are you now? "

I think he was a bit confused cos we have two clinics, and I caught him by surprise and I was talking at double speed. I told him where I was, and he said to get to XYZ train station and he would pick me up from there and drive me the rest of the way. 

I walked over to the nearest station only to discover that the spare train card I was carrying in my wallet had expired two years ago. The kind lady at the ticket counter told me so. Right. A single-trip ticket for me then. I manage to get the automated ticket machine to spit out a ticket easily enough, and was soon on my way to the station BIKSS mentioned. When I got there, he was already waiting. I think I ran to the car, knowing that once I got into it everything would be better! (Or at least now Daddy was here to help.)

And that was Fondles' Friday fone fiasco. (KD - that's for you!)

Quickie Dominance

This is a quickie because :

A) I have to go to bed. I told BIKSS I'd be in bed at 1130 and I'm late. I've told him I'm writing a post so I hope that buys me some time. 

B) BIKSS had a quickie Dom moment earlier this evening. 

Today my kitchen got done. The countertop came in. The sink was put in. I have running water in my kitchen again. And I'm going to let you have a peek at the new cabinets... 

But first, the story.

After we had decided to unstack the dryer and washer BIKSS offered to pop by for a short while to deal with it for me, although he had other plans this evening and wouldn't be able to hang out with me today. 

He arrived while the plumber was here for round two - as I discovered some water escaping from somewhere underneath the sink. 

When the plumber got done, the two of them got the appliances turned around and they adjusted the legs on the washing machine so it wouldn't be wobbly.

We decided that with a different facing it might not affect me as much, so BIKSS suggested I leave it be for a while and then see how things sit with my obsessive self. 

The plumber left and we said goodbye and thank you, then I went back to have a look. The dryer was a leeeeeetle bit off. So I went behind it and nudged it about 2mm to the right. But where BIKSS was standing he saw that one corner had moved out of alignment so he shifted it back into place. 

"You pushed it out when you were back there," he said, explaining.

"Let me see... " 

"It's ok now, it's fine," he reassured me.

But of course I'm a stubborn cow and can't just take his word for it, so I walked over towards said corner where he was standing and was just about to put my hands on the dryer to adjust it when he said in his Daddy Dom voice, "It's fine now, LEAVE IT." 

OK you see, sometimes I go a bit crazy - like when I asked him if I should get the plumber back to move the faucet half a millimeter to the back cos it looked a little not-so-straight. Of course, his answer was NO. And then he grabbed the thing and tweaked it a little and it budged into place and I was happy. 

So it's good that BIKSS knows when to let me call the shots (especially in my home), and when to stop me from going overboard, and when to fix things in ways that he knows will satisfy my need for everything to be "exactly just so". 

Because when I try to get something JUST RIGHT and I can't (cos it's usually so tiny or small or unnoticeable that you can't really fix it - you know ... like if it's too low on one side by just half a millimeter and then trying to move it makes it too high by half a millimeter.. that sort of thing) well, that usually ends up in me getting totally flustered and frustrated and then I work myself up into a mad frenzy. 

So um, as much as I say BIKSS usually doesn't do the Dom thing around the house cos it's mostly my call, he DOES have his moments when I need it. 

And now, finally, here it is! THIS is my brand new kitchen. THIS is what I've been on and on about for the last month. Thank you, Blogfriends, for listening to me rant and rave and ramble on about it, post after post! 

Spanking Monday

The more I looked at the huge monstrous tower in my kitchen (the dryer on top of the washer) the more I didn't like it. 

BIKSS helped. Did some kitchen magic on the lappy and helped me imagine what it would look like if I took it down and placed them side by side instead, on the left of my cabinets. 

I decided to go ahead with the side by side configuration (his opinion and preference played a large part in influencing my decision I might add) and then I said "Now what?"

"Now you get into bed."

Best words I'd heard all day. 

He immediately went to the toy drawer and pulled out his weapons of choice. I got into bed, on my front, but leaning to one side so I could look up at him.

I continued asking about what to ask the guys to do tomorrow. "Turn around," he said, then went on with "and when they're done with the sink and the counter top, ask them if they can help with unstacking the dryer."

"But," I was intending to go on, but that was when he began counting. 

"Five..."

I turned back to lie on my front and settled into a comfortable face-down position.

Counting down is hot, is it not?

Cane. Hand. Flogger. Christmas Paddle. 

My butt was warm and stingy. 

After he finished he climbed in beside me and asked "Are you ok?" when I didn't move. 

Yes. I was. I was relaxed. Finally. Totally relaxed. Didn't care about anything at that point. 

He flipped me around and began playing with my pussy. I wasn't wet.

*Eh? What's going on there?* 

I think I must have been really stressed out in order not to have gotten horny during a spanking. This was one of those rare occasions when my tap didn't get switched on while my butt was being warmed. It almost always gets me wet. 

"Pussy is broken," I lamented.

"Nah, she's not," he reassured me. 

He twiddled a nipple. And I was just waiting. For something. I wasn't feeling particularly randy. Then he reached for the other - which was squished between my arm and my body on the side I was lying on. 

"Other nipple," he said. 

But I didn't budge. *I know right???*

When he couldn't get access to it, he moved his hand away.

Ok, no problem. He went back to fiddle with the first nipple. And for a while I thought - he's being kind. But I really could do with a dose of dominance right about --- Insert Sharp Intake of Breath and Scrunched Up Face Here ---

"In that case this nipple gets to receive ALL the pain then..."

He gave me a "Good Girl." when I winced. Followed by, "Other nipple..."

This time I moved so that he could get to it. 

The pussy was definitely not broken. 

He checked with his other hand. Reached under my still-warm bum and inserted a finger or 3. 

Then it was both hands. Then his face was between my legs. 

I let go. Didn't think about the kitchen. Didn't think about the stress. Didn't think about what he was doing to my girlie bits. 

Just enjoyed all the sensations - his tongue, lips, fingers. 

He had me put my legs up over his shoulders. Yum...

I asked for my vibe, but I was afraid it would be difficult to cum. This has been a bit of a worry for me recently - trouble coming. 

But it was for nothing. The vibe went on clit, Daddy's fingers curled up inside me. And the cum was had. 

He continued to lick, gently, flicking his tongue over and along the sides of my super-sensitive nub. 

I lasted as long as I could then shrieked "Daddy, stop!"

"But why?" he teased. 

"Cos I'm tired!!!" I blurted out, giggling.

And he stopped and laughed along with me. 

(Oh, PS, he recorded the spanking - I think it's the first time we've done this - he says I can watch it when I'm bored.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the topic of spanking, a while back KD issued an invitation for challenges / dares that might contain an embarrassment component - you can find it in this post : Kinky Jackass.

Here is the result of my challenge - Fondles' Dare.

Merry Contrary issued a challenge too - You can read about it on Happy Birthday, Merry.

WD40 and Duct Tape

BIKSS came round on Monday night to have dinner with me, and after that he very kindly painted a section of wall behind some pipes in the kitchen. Something tiny like the bottom stretch of tiles took me about 3 hours whereas he got done with the darned section in like 15 minutes. Then he hit the storeroom and all in all we were showered and in bed within the hour! (That's the kitchen update...)

Now, some things I'm really good at - decluttering, organising, laundry, packing things and making them fit into spaces you would think too small... but painting is NOT one of those things. BIKSS is way better at it. 

He's also good at DIY-ing around the house. His go-tos are WD40 (to loosen things) and duct tape / superglue (to stop things from being loose). 

It seems this sentiment is shared by many fellas around the world. 

It's a UNIVERSAL FIX apparently. 

Well, women of the world, rejoice! For we TOO have a universal fix - for our blokes when they're feeling out of sorts. 

As we were driving home in the car today I realised that BIKSS was in a grumpy mood. Not at me, per se, but grumpy in general. He had been to see some customers, and some of the visits didn't go well. As in, he got there, and the company had moved, or shut down, or something. They were gone. 

Anyway he felt annoyed that all that time was wasted driving out there, and so, grumpy-pot-BIKSS was my travel companion home this afternoon. 

I suppose it's hard for someone to humour a chatty little girl when the grumpy monster is occupying their headspace, so when he didn't seem to respond in the usual way to my jibing and teasing I guessed something was wrong. (No shit, Sherlock!)

When I realised I couldn't help him come up with a solution to prevent this kind of thing from happening again, I did the only thing I could think of. 

"Here, put your hand on my thigh between my bare legs, Daddy... I'm sure that will make you feel better!"

He smiled and took me up on my offer. :) And just like that the grumpy-pot was gone, replaced by an amused BIKSS. 

And that, ladies, is The Universal Fix. They're HANDYmen by nature. Just go with it. 

*Note of caution: When employing this technique be very careful to accompany the offer with a lighthearted, playful tone, or it could go horribly, horribly wrong. Also, TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

*Warning - some applications could result in hand sliding up towards crotch. If this occurs, do NOT attempt to stop it. Doing so might end up in Spank-Bum-itis. Hand may also do more than just stroke and/or rest on thigh - some users report tapping / slapping / spanking on thigh and crotch. Grabbing, squeezing and pinching are also known side-effects. If these occur, lie back and enjoy the ride!

Suggested Use for the Handy-man Fix : try it when your man is angry, upset, disappointed, nervous, hungry, tired, frustrated... 

(Best applied when wearing a skirt, the shorter, the better.)

Accountability

According to Merriam-Webster the word is defined as : the quality or state of being accountable; especially :an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.

Well then, on to tonight's date. 

We talked a bit when we were away about whether we've fallen into a "same old same old" kind of pattern. He sends me to work, we go for walks at night (altho my schedule is such now that I'd really rather not, cos I'm too knackered by the time he can make it for our walks) and on Monday evenings he pops by to have dinner here and then we roll around in bed for a bit. 

When the folks were living here it seemed like there was more effort made (on both our parts) to go out, on REAL dates. Find places to eat, things to do, spend some time together doing stuff that isn't the same as what we did the week before. 

One of my pet peeves is being taken for granted, and I'm sensitive to this in a way that most people probably aren't. Perhaps it stems from something in my past. In any case, I know he's not taking me for granted per se, but my alarm bells are going off because even tho it feels like we see each other more now (the daily rides to work are a pretty new thing),we're really not actually spending 'proper' time out together. So it's becoming routine, mundane, and pretty soon it'll get stale. And I don't want that to happen. 

So today he took me to dinner. We like this little dinky Japanese restaurant that's pretty nearby his office. The only problem is the last time we went there a whole bunch of people were celebrating a birthday and it was totally noisy. It's a VERY small restaurant. Seats maybe 20 at most. We left and decided to eat somewhere else. So today we headed there again - only to find that all the tables had been reserved! What??? 

Ah well. Maybe next time. We eventually ended up at another place we'd gone to before, a Mexican joint near where we live. And we had tacos and a burrito to share. Only there was a ton of rice in both! (FYI I don't eat staple carbs ie bread, rice, noodles. And BIKSS is supposed to be on the same diet as me...)

The tacos fared a little better. Meat, lettuce, and rice. I scooped out the rice from mine and ate the rest of it. The burrito was disappointing. There was NONE of the traditional ingredients I usually associate with a burrito, instead all there was was rice cooked with pulled pork and a smattering of beans. And so much wrap. Geez. I swear the tortilla was almost 2/3 of the entire burrito.  

I dismantled my half of the burrito and ate the meat and what beans I could find. And then we got to talking about this non-eatage of carbs (me) and whether he was still trying to lose weight (yes) ... and while I don't really care what size he is, I don't want him to feel like he's trying but not seeing any results. Truth is, I suspect he's "cheating" on his diet, and that's all fine and good if one is aware of it, if he owns up to it and realises why he isn't losing the pounds; but I don't want for him to give up at some point because he feels defeated by the (perceived) trying and not getting results. 

So I asked if 1) he wanted to lose more weight, 2) was happy with where he's at now, or 3) was he taking a more "whatever happens, happens" approach to it. 

His answer was number 1. And so began this little girl's nagging. Look if I can do it, so can you. Wherever you go there's ALWAYS a no carb option. Sure, you may have to waste some food, or spend a little more (why are salads so expensive anyway???) but it IS possible. 

The problem with Daddy is (and I already know this!) he'll say "but I didn't have carbs yesterday so it's ok for me to have some today" without admitting he already DID have some today - at lunch! So really, he didn't have to have MORE carbs at dinner. I told him so. He wasn't the most pleased at getting called on it. But he wasn't upset about it. The tone of our conversation was all very good-humoured and light. 

And so, while Daddies all over try and help their little ones along in whatever they're trying to achieve - studies, weight loss, making better decisions / life choices in general, we shouldn't forget that sometimes Daddies need help too. 

So here it is. He says probably if he were accountable to someone about what he's eating, he'd probably be more careful. Great! Then you should tell me what you're eating everyday, I squeal. I'm sure he rolled his eyeballs inwardly. But he agrees that that WOULD probably help him stop cheating on the diet. 

And another thing. He was swishing his beer around in the glass after dinner as we were talking. Just idle fidgeting with his hands. And the liquid in it got perilously high - I told him to quit doing that. Cos it was threatening to spill out of the glass. Nah, he says, it's only up to here (points at some lower down spot which was SO not accurate!) and swished it some more to prove it to me. 

But I was determined. "QUIT IT will you?" Yes I did kinda raise my voice. BUT that was quickly followed up with "I'm pretty certain you wouldn't take too well to me doing that to MY drink. If I were doing that with my glass you'd have said something about it already." He hemmed and hawed and then finally gave me a non-committal sound that basically said I was right. 

Turns out this Daddy lark isn't always a one-way street. And I suppose it shouldn't be. If Daddies expect their littles to behave properly and be "good", then we littles have every right to demand the same of our Daddies. And I did. 

And he's good with it. For which I am most grateful. I'd hate for him to be the "Do as I say, not as I do" type.  We do learn best by example after all. Oh and another thing. When we were in Vietnam, he checked me for holding my fork like this (just the fork bit, my elbows are NEVER on the table) :

I know it's an awful habit. I'm OK when using a fork and spoon for eating (Asian that I am - I grew up with fork and spoon and a plateful of rice!) but the fork and knife combination isn't the most comfortable for me. You can imagine how that tine-y thing (geddit? geddit?) might serve completely different functions in the two setups. (And besides, couldn't I just say I was being cute and little???)

Anyway, I called him on HIS awful habit of eating like this :

Only, he's not using his hand to dip anything into anything. It's more like he'll be holding his fork in his right hand and his left arm will be folded across the table like in the pic. Or he'll be eating with a spoon and not bothering with the fork. He does it everywhere. Even at restaurants. He did it at dinner tonight too. And there'll be a perfectly good piece of cutlery meant for his left hand abandoned on the table while he struggles with his right to scoop up or cut or pull or tear apart whatever bit of food he's trying to get to!

So this little declared that as long as he's not holding BOTH items of cutlery in his hands, I'm gonna be stabbing at my food with my fork held incorrectly. 

And so to all the Daddies out there who expect more from your littles, remember that we expect you to be GOOD for us too! And we have a right and duty to call you on your bad habits. Ha! (Politely, of course... 👸 *looks around innocently*)

While I was thinking about this post I couldn't help but think that if this topic of conversation were to come up in a vanilla relationship, we would probably have gotten into a fight or very heated argument (at least) with accusations being hurled about - why are you being critical; you're always trying to change me; you're being bossy/naggy; you think you know better than me / are superior to me. 

And once again I'm glad we have the framework of the ddlg/ d/s relationship within which to work these things thru. It never ceases to amaze me just how much better we are at communicating (as compared with my vanilla relationships). 

Before I go - here's what BIKSS has to say about it :

"A lidl (that's what he calls me) can bother about what her Daddy does..and mumble and grumble too..only shows she cares.."

I couldn't have said it better!

Sneaky BIKSS and a Sweet Treats Tutorial

The other day I made a huge big salad and BIKSS came over for dinner. He was supposed to bring dessert in the form of a Great Temptations pack of cupcakes like these ones:

Somehow he got muddled up and bought some brownies instead (but we already tried those, and I wanted to try something else...)

While the brownies are awesome, I really was ungrateful and grouchy (I blame hormones and a weaker than normal immune system) and made a fuss about wanting something different. (Sorry Daddy...) Still, we had dinner, and the next morning I brought the brownies out with me so we could have them for breakfast in the car as he drove me to work. 

When he came to get me later that day he brought me these : 

Who's the happiest girl alive? MEEEEE! I LOVE CARROT CAKE! LOVE!

Also, remember how I said I was skint? He handed me two supermarket vouchers today, which he exchanged his gas station loyalty points for. Don't get me wrong, he'd probably buy my groceries and hand over money if he thought I would accept it. Only I'm funny about things like money. Don't ask me why. I just am. 

So I suppose that's his way of giving me moolah to get me thru my marketing this week. I know, I know. I shouldn't have to make it so difficult for him to give me a helping hand. Well, he found a way didn't he? Sneaky fella that he is.  

As we were having coffee earlier I noticed a lot of people walking about carrying square-base paper bags - during this time of year, it's a tell-tale sign that they've got mooncakes! In the land where I live the Chinese celebrate the mooncake festival in the eighth lunar month of the year, which is about now. Wait - it's called the Mid-Autumn Festival. But as I don't celebrate the tradition (only the eating of said confectionaries), I just call it the mooncake festival LOL.

If you want to see just how many types of mooncakes there are, look up "mooncake" on google and click on 'images'. It's mind-blowing! I prefer the traditional baked skin lotus paste mooncakes with double yolk and pumpkin seeds (the white bits you see in the pic below are the pumpkin seeds). Here's a sample of the baked skin types you can find in the stores (and we haven't even gotten round to the snowskin and specialty mooncakes yet!) :

Starbucks usually has a coffee flavoured selection, while ice-cream shops have ice-cream-filled ones. Stores which specialise in specific items like a particular fruit, or jelly, or vegetables will often have their own versions of mooncakes with fillings that fit the theme of their restaurants. 

Doggie cafes have dog-safe ones too!

They traditionally come in square boxes of 4 - hence the square-base bags I was talking about. (Altho' now with everyone wanting to be different, lots of different types of packaging can be seen everywhere!)

These things don't come cheap, with the branded ones (reputable bakeries, hotels, popular restaurants and cafes) going for anything between USD$45 and $70 for a box of 4. 

The more run of the mill brands will set you back something like USD$35 for a box of 4. 

Just how big is this mooncake anyway? Here's a rough idea -

It's super sweet, most of the time, so you're supposed to cut it into wedges, most people do 4, but some prefer smaller pieces, so 6 or 8. You get a LOT of sugar in a single wedge, so admittedly, that one mooncake will last you at least 4 sittings. Or 2. It depends. 

AAAAAnyway, my point was, that I said "mooncake box!" every time I saw someone carrying a square paper bag and after a few of those he asked "Shall we go buy mooncakes?" I asked "For who?" and he said "For you!" 

I was touched. Being skint during festive seasons is NOT fun. But since I'm trying to cut my sugar intake, and since I'm appalled at how expensive they've become over the years (they used to be half the price less than 5 years ago, I swear!) I declined his offer. "Don't pay for sugar," I said. 

Businesses usually exchange these things as a sign of a good working relationship. So I told him if he got some from his clients or there were leftovers in the office, I wouldn't mind one or two. But please please don't go out and BUY them. It really isn't worth it! And while I enjoy the odd mooncake, I'm not crazy about them. 

What I *AM* crazy about, is Bak Kwa. Also known as barbequed roast pork. It's like a sweet pork jerky. Only flat. 

Unlike mooncakes, these can be gotten all year round. Traditionally given as gifts during the Lunar New Year to friends, relatives and business associates, the prices on these things can double during this season. The rest of the year, they're not as expensive, altho you can still expect to fork out about USD$40 per kilo for the regular types, and more for the specialty ones. 

HOWEVER I found a shop that sells a pretty decent tasting one for almost half the price. The only problem is it's pretty far away (and they only have the ONE outlet) and they close at 4pm. 

I've been bugging BIKSS to take me one day when he has the afternoon free... 

Now if he really wants to make my day, he'll go over there one afternoon and get me a kilo of the stuff, then shove the fragrant meat right under my nose when he comes to visit. The way to this girl's heart is through her stomach! You just gotta know the right treat to pick!

Asking for Help

So since the relationship has changed I've found myself reclaiming my independence (read: saying what I want when I want with little regard for Daddy's feelings).

But I've always felt awful about it. After it. 

I've been wanting to get back our dynamic for a bit, and I think I've managed to reconcile this in my brain especially over the last few weeks. 

So it was time I said it - which I did. And BIKSS is on board too. 

The DD/lg is back. The gf/bf thing, not. Can it work? We'll see. I think it's all about tempering expectations. 

But that said, I did also ask him for one more thing - to remind me *gently* (of course) when I start being impatient / short / rude. 

He hasn't been, and that's just cos he's been respecting my need for space. And also we've needed (ok, *I've* needed) to figure out what I will take from him. 

The result has been me shooting my mouth off, him not saying anything about it (unlike before when we were together properly) and then me feeling bad when I think about it or reflect on the day's events, and then having to decide if I should apologise or just sweep it under the rug. 

This self-correction lark is overrated. I do it as a responsible adult all the time, when interacting with other people, the last thing I wanna do is have to fret about it with him too. 

So it's been settled. I asked. He agreed. That if and when I should get testy he should stop me and gently remind me to "say that again, but nicely this time". And if I get riled up at being called out then he should just remind me that it was my idea in the first place. 

And cos I'm the way I am, it's unlikely I'll argue with logic. 

Stripped to be Spanked

I have some thoughts on this floating about in my head. 

We usually just make do with whatever state of undress I'm in when BIKSS is spanking me. Often I'm already naked and in bed. But if I'm not, he'll lift a skirt, or pull down my pants / knickers when I'm in position. 

I was reading some stories on Experience Project about dads who spank their teenage daughters, some of them requiring them to strip before a spanking. I suppose it's the humiliation that they're after. I don't agree with this of course, but that's not the point of this post. 

The point is that it got me horny. I know. I felt a little perverted for it. And told BIKSS about it. He is rather more certain that it's the spanking and stripping that registers in my head, and not so much the father-daughter connection. 

I'm relieved to say he's right. Upon investigation I realised that it's the idea of being undressed or being told to strip before a spanking that is causing the tingling in my girly bits. I discussed this a little with BIKSS and I think I know what it is. 

Our spankings tend to be fun, playful even, and definitely lead to arousal on both our parts. During re-sets or grounding spankings things are a little more focused and less haphazard. But I have found myself interjecting with humour to lighten the mood from time to time. 

So I wonder if that is my way of coping - as in, coping with the feeling of being stripped of any last vestiges of power I may still believe I have, coping with being totally humbled before my Dom. I think I should like to experience being instructed to remove my clothing, or have it done for me, and then spanked. I will resist it, I reckon. Or try, as I am wont to do, to make light of the situation. 

Add to this I feel embarrassed about my body (Hey, which one of us doesn't have body-image issues eh? Even if only a little teensy bit?) I think an exercise in nakedness might be in the pipeline. I don't know what this will serve to accomplish, or if it will impact me at all, but I intend to delve further into this topic the next I see BIKSS. I think we will have lots to talk about.

Confident...?

... or embarrassed?

Not a Cock Worshipper?

Why NOT?

Honestly. I love giving blowjobs, as long as a few simple conditions are met. 

1) he doesn't automatically expect that I'll do it every time (only applicable to vanilla relationships)

2) he's clean and smells of nothing, or detergent (from his undies/boxers), or shower gel

3) I don't have to part hair to find penis / scrotum (shaving is nice, but a neat trim is just as good)

Once that is all sorted out, there is absolutely nothing else I like better than to nuzzle my face against the velvety smooth skin that is the shaft of a penis, and snuff his wrinkly ball sac to inhale the intoxicating aroma of lust and manhood!

I am glad to say that BIKSS has NEVER once smelled bad, not even when unprepared - straight in from work, after a soccer match (I KNOW RIGHT???) or just woken up from a night's slumber. Roger is immaculate!

I'm attracted to his crotch like a magnet. We could be just chatting in bed and I'll find myself sliding down beside him so that my face is level with his cock. Who by this time has been conditioned to wake up and wave hello because Roger is a quick study and he recognises the Fondles sidle. 

So I noticed that when I write about our blowjob / Cock-Worshipping encounters, I get some pretty encouraging comments. Also, I sense that some of them (YOU) have a desire to enrol in the club. The CWS club that is. 

My question today, then, is

What's stopping you from declaring yourself a full-fledged 

CWer or CWS?

What can I do to help you become one? What would you like to know? 

What problems do you have? Or do you THINK you have? 

The thing that comes up often in my comments is the issue of gagging. I'm sorry I can't help you there. I still gag. It's not called a reflex for nothing. But thankfully, you don't have to NOT have this reflex in order to be a class-A CWS. Yes. I am going to be full of it and consider myself a top notch Cock-Worshipper. I'm certain BIKSS will attest to that. 

Can I deep throat? Yes, just not for very long. I'll start gagging. Then I gotta pull back a little and compose myself, get settled, then go for it again. Does it put them off? From my experience, no. And that's assuming they can even tell. Will it feel better if they're all the way in. Yes, but then, even when fucking the idea is to MOVE in and out. So being all the way in and holding that position is good for 2-3 seconds, but at some point he's going to want to pump! And that's my take on the whole gagging thing.

SO this is like my little rulebook - feel free to borrow!

1) Keep the suction on! No cock will be happy just plunging into a hole where the only contact on skin is where the lips make an O. And it's good for your face muscles too!

2) Use your tongue. It is possible to suck and flick at the same time. Try out various actions with your own (clean) finger in your mouth. That way you'll know what sensations you're bestowing upon his cock. 

3) Look into his eyes. And smile. It lets him know you're enjoying this as much as you know he's enjoying it. There are moments when BIKSS knows I'm probably enjoying it more than he is, and that in those moments my own satisfaction takes top priority, while his is secondary to it. 

4) Be lighthearted and open about it. It's perfectly acceptable to talk during a blowjob. "Do you like this? What about here? Hmmm I can tell you like THAT!" It doesn't have to be all serious and stressful. Plus it encourages feedback. He's not going to be forthcoming with praise and suggestion when there's a mouth engulfing his cock, let me remind you. So extract the information from him. 

5) Don't forget the balls. If you can't get down there with your mouth just yet, or the position is awkward, use your fingers and hands, cup them, stroke them, trace the wrinkly lines with your fingertips - a little bit of nail never hurt anyone, roll the skin between your fingers... there's a reason women are better at multi-tasking, I always say. 

6) Don't neglect the thighs. Nipples on his inner thigh as my mouth moves up and down his shaft is a huge turn-on for BIKSS. I'm sure your man will enjoy this too. Hand gripping flesh on thigh, buttocks, all add to the overall effect. 

7) Make some yummy mmmm-ing noises. But only if you're really starting to enjoy it. It does wonders for his man-brain if he knows you're relishing every moment of this too!

I Need a Spanking

Sunday~ 

BIKSS told me recently that he'll be making 2 trips out of town in the next couple of months. I assumed they'd be short-ish trips, 3-5 days or so each, similar to when he's been out of town before. He mentioned one rather far away trip involving a time difference and I figured, ok, maybe a week.

Today he confirmed the dates on our shared calendar and I freaked out and felt the panic start to rise.

He'll be gone for 9 days, and then 6 days later he'll be gone for another week. OK in the big scheme of things it's not that bad, I know some of you have to manage for months at a time without your other halves, but I'm not used to this! 

Sorry. Didn't mean to wail.

Anyway, the thing is since we have pretty "fixed" meeting days, if the days he's back don't coincide with our regular schedule, then it might be a long while before I do get to see him. And there's no guarantee that wifi will be available, or the connection decent, where he's going to be.

He promised to chat and Facetime and what not, but I'm still feeling a little frazzled. That's Fondles-speak for  "I know I'm being ridiculous but I still feel like you're leaving me. And I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I don't like it so please make it go away!"

So I did what I've been preaching on everyone else's blogs. I mustered up the courage and texted him and asked if he could give me a spanking when we meet tomorrow. Not that we don't always have spankings, but I meant not one of those erotic types we usually indulge in. I need some grounding, re-centering, and that calls for one of his cuddle-and-spank specialties. You know the one... where he wraps me up tight in one arm, holding my face close to his chest, and then spanks me with his free hand. Long and determinedly. Uh-huh.. yeap, that one.

And I also added that I felt like I was being a bother, and troublesome, needy. Ok, I didn't say that last bit. But I'm saying it now. I feel needy for wanting to be spanked so that I'll feel less stressed about his upcoming work trips. After all, shouldn't I be able to deal with it? Geez, I'm 40 years old, for pete's sake.

But that's the wonderful thing about TTWD now isn't it? I don't have to sort myself out anymore. I don't have to face it on my own and tell myself to grow up and get a grip. I feel what I feel and I need him to help and I am expected to open my mouth and be honest about my needs. (He reassured me that I wasn't being a bother and he'll give me a spanking and as much cuddle time as I need.)

The alternative - that is, if I didn't come out and ask for a spanking, would be a really touchy, over-sensitive, easily upset Fondles between now and the time he leaves, and THAT would be a recipe for disaster. So it's better this way. I'm glad to say definitively that this is ONE lesson I've learnt.

I'm a little bit nervous, but I know I'll feel better when it's over.

I'll write more about it AFTER.

------------------------------------------------------
Monday~

Did I dilly dally? Yes

Did I stall? Yes

Did I doubt he would keep his promise? Not for a minute.

BIKSS got out the Christmas paddle. He wanted me on my front and moved to get up behind me. I wailed. I wanted his spank-and-cuddle special! The one where he does both at the same time.

He acquiesced and slid down back beside me.

As he delivered his 200 smacks (100 on each cheek, alternating sides now and then), we talked. He told me that he's already asked the company to spring for data-roaming on his cell, so even if the wifi where he'll be is sucky, we'll still be able to chat on one of the myriad of apps we have on our fones. He spanked and rubbed in between, and I was feeling much better. Still sad and pouty, but less stressed and frazzled.

After he was done with that, and my bum was nice and warm, he then moved on to the Christmas Paddle: a hundred swats landing evenly across both cheeks. Non-stop.

And then when he was done, we talked some more, while he held me. And my eyes began to tear as I thought about how much I would miss him. But we actually talked specifically about which days he'll be gone, and which days he'll come over in between the two trips, and his plan for swapping out our regular meet-up days so he'll still be able to see me before he leaves and after he's back. So it was really good all round.

I also told him about how I've made arrangements on some of the days he's away to meet with friends whom I don't get to see often - and we both agree it's a good plan.

So while my bum didn't even turn the slightest hint of pink (he checked), I can still kinda feel it. And I asked if he would do this again when we meet on Friday. I suspect I'll be wanting to be consistently cuddle-and -spanked right up till the day he leaves. This is harder than I thought.

"Thinking about it makes me sad, but blocking it out would be bad," I told him about my mental dilemma and this was his reply (I may be paraphrasing), "Don't block it out, you know that it's coming up, but you also know that I'll be coming back."

Words to keep me sane.