Essentials

Yesterday was Day 1 of our official "serious" restrictions. 

The cigarette scare had everyone scrambling. The stores had brought in loads and loads of boxes on Monday and it seemed big stores and small mom n pop shops alike were prepping for shortages in the coming weeks. 

People were stockpiling. 

You might remember I was too lazy to go down on Monday night to buy my stash, and had decided to try my luck on Tuesday after work. 

But I was feeling a bit jittery (what if they were sold out by then???) so I popped down to my usual shop on Tuesday morning before work...  only to find that everything was closed. WHAT?? They would be open, they reassured me, as they were considered an 'essential' business. 

Um. Ok. Don't panic. 

I walked a little ways down the stretch and managed 2 packs from the drink vendor. Those were the guy's last 2. 

Off to work I went. In the rain.

~~~

BIKSS was going to buy lunch around the time I got off work so he offered to drive me home. 

"Can we swing by my usual shop to look for smokes?" 

"Didn't you say it was closed?"

"Yes, but maybe they have restricted opening hours or something.  They SAID they would be open... Cos you don't wanna be around me when my smokes run out... and I'm coming up to my period... PLUS the hot flashes which may or may not occur again... do you really want to risk me not having enough ciggys to last the next 4 weeks?"

"You're going to be a grumpy cuss aren't you?"

"You think?"

"Yeah let's go see if they're open."

I mean... I'd rather be this : 

...than this..

(i'm not thrilled about the grammar... )

Came home with this -  #ESSENTIALS

(That's coffee, smokes and TP)

More Support from my Government

So the good news is that now that they've implemented stricter measures, the ministers sat in parliament today and delivered a third budget for us citizens. 

I'm less stressed out than I was when the hammer came down because according to these new announcements I should get some kind of decent monetary aid with the loss of teaching income - which is now ALL my students because they've announced that ALL lessons are to be suspended. 

There is light at the end of my tunnel after all. 

The bad news - I found out today that all the ciggy suppliers are also going to be shut down for a month. There has been a run on tobacco products. And my brand is out of stock. They say they'll be restocking tonight... but I'm too lazy to head down to the shop. Ah well. Maybe I'll just try my luck after work tomorrow. 

Floor, Food, Flogger, Fun and Fuzzy

(This was written on Thursday, 29th June...)

Today's post is brought to you by the letter F. Sesame Street was a big part of my TV watching habit when I was a child. 

The floor got hacked up today. And oh cement dust is everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. 

First they got here late - the guy had been waiting for his boss who got held up. Eventually instructions were given and details were sorted and the boss guy left. After setting up the plastic sheet to block off the work area from the rest of the house the fella announced he was off to lunch. What? Already? But you just got here. *Mutter*

He came back in at 1 and the cutting and banging began. I left him to it and ran off to the pool. I needed to get away from the noise. 

When I returned I was met with 7 layers of dust on everything. So much for blocking off the work area. Once he'd called it a day and left, I did what I could - swept, mopped the areas that I could, wiped up what dust I could off the surfaces most direly in need of cleaning, then grabbed a ciggie and went out of the house for a smoke because I just couldn't bear to stay inside a second longer. 

There was a whole lot of screaming and panicking going on in my head. 

Which is how BIKSS found me when he got here this evening. He came back from his worktrip in the wee hours of the morning but had still gone in to work today. So I was really grateful that he made the effort to come by despite not having gotten a proper night's sleep.

I whined about all the dust. And how I needed to escape my house. Which is why I was outside. (He said later during dinner that he could see the fear and panic in my eyes.) We were both hungry. And I was motivated to get up and get going by his next sentence.

"Let's go eat, then Daddy'll spank you when we come back ok?" he said, as if that was the most normal thing in the world to say. But it was, to us. It's funny when I think about it now, it's the way someone vanilla might say "I'll tuck you in when we get back," or "I'll let you have some ice cream after dinner." 

After grabbing some food at the nearby foodcourt we came back home. I asked him if I should have a shower first, and he replied that I probably would feel a lot better after I did. I went to the bedroom to retrieve my bath towel but instead I ended up in a crouch on the bed, covering my head with my pillows. 

"Go on and have a shower, then come back and I'll give you a spank and a hug," he kissed my back. 

I finally rolled off and headed to the bathroom. 

When I got back from my shower it was time for presents! You all know I'm a bit of an earring slut right? 

I LOVE THEM. They're actually a really pretty glassy ice blue irl. The pic doesn't do it justice.

He also got me a unicorn / pegasus (?)  luggage tag (mine's blue and white) and some unicorn-themed clothes pegs / photo holder clips. They look something like these - but these pictures were taken off the web cos I've gone and put mine away and it's getting too late for me to go dig 'em out again now :) 

  

After I put them all away he had me lie in bed, "Stomach down". 

He walked round to the dresser and bent down to pull out the flogger and Christmas paddle from the bottom-most drawer. 

He swished the flogger across my butt cheeks, lightly, getting his swing. And after a reasonable warming up he put it down and took off his shirt. "You look like you mean business," I remarked, amused, when I saw him do that. 

"I DO mean business..." he replied. 

And boy did he. That was the end of any sexy yummy swishing. What followed were some serious thwacks across my cheeks. Hard, solid, rhythmic. I winced and cried out more than a few times. Lucky for me I had my face buried in my pillows and my fists clenched around the sides. This was different from our usual spankings. I was stressed and he knew it. And he knew how to get me to let go and calm down. And this was it. We don't usually have such intense sessions, but when we do, it's definitely warranted. 

The falls of my new favourite toy landed on the same cheek in succession. First he concentrated on the left, then when that one could take no more he moved on to the right. Sure, that's ONE way of building the intensity. My vocalisations were apparently accompanied by butt clenches (BIKSS informed me later) and feet-wagging. Have you ever noticed that when it hurts and you're trying not to move out of position (whether out of obedience or for safety reasons) you 'wag' your feet cos that's the ONLY thing you CAN move? 

They fell on both cheeks now, then he did an alternating pattern. I couldn't keep count. I wanted to. But it was impossible. 

It was difficult not to move. I felt myself creeping higher and higher up towards the top edge of the bed. A hand came down on my neck. His hand. It kept me still. Not by force or strength, but by mere intention. 

A voice beside my ear, "Shhh, good girl... shhh."

The flogging had stopped. When, I wasn't sure. 

Cool air filled the space where his face had just been moments before. Then a smack from the Christmas paddle. 

Rinse and repeat. All the things he did with the flogger he now did with the paddle. Multiple smacks on one spot, alternating cheek smacks, a-single-swat-across-both-cheeks smacks. Down came the spanks, out came the hissing sounds - involuntarily of course. I was sucking in air in an attempt not to cry out. Not a very successful attempt, I might add. It hurt to the point I almost teared. I felt it begin. Not from an emotional trigger like stress-relief or guilt or remorse, as one would expect from such a spanking, but from pain. Sheer pain. But he stopped before they could flow.

The paddle was abandoned. Once again, a kiss on my temple, and more magic words. "That's my girl," he cooed. As he rested his lips on the side of my face he began spanking me in that position we love so much. He had gotten in next to me, stretched out and propped up on the side. His hand now the weapon of choice. They weren't particularly hard spanks, more like medium ones, but after the flogger and paddle, my flesh was tender, the marks were showing, and there was a definite build-up of accumulated pain. 

Finally, after much breathing and panting, I felt myself releasing all that tension and settling into him, into a serene space where I could let go of the panic. 

He rubbed my bum and I complained that it hurt.

"I know... " he replied, kindly. 

After a short while I felt normal again. BIKSS abandoned rubbing my cheeks to rub between them instead, feeling the wetness gathered there. 

We had the usual sexy fun we always have, "Remember what Daddy does to your nipples?" he teased, pinching them. I wasn't aware of the pain tho, not much. I had Roger in my mouth and a job to do. I retched as he pulled my head down so my mouth was fully over his cock; I was aware of my nose feeling blocked up, and this time the tears did come - from gagging. 

"Pussy wanna get fucked now?" 

I tried to nod but he held me all the way down on Roger again. I made a noise instead. I think. I tried, anyway. He asked again, "Tell me what you want," but this time no sound would come. So I forced a nod, my head bobbing down on his cock. Which only made me gag even more. Oh but it felt so good - being made to give him an answer in such a predicament. 

The rest is a little fuzzy. We fucked. Twice. And talked, and cuddled. And for now, I am safe and strong again. 

More Tests and The Smoking Semi-Cessation

And I'm back from my "diagnostic tests" session. That's what it said on the sign going to the treatment rooms anyway.

The spiro test result came out normal... after I failed to get the thing to read anything the first 2 times. 

"Get a good seal around the top" my doctor said. Erm. "Yes, I know it's quite big so you really have to open your mouth and cover the whole ..."

And at this point I nodded and practised breathing deep breaths and he shut up and let me get to it, thankfully. I mean, of course it's hard for me to do, I'm usually sucking, not blowing!!

If you don't know what a spirometer is, the mouthpiece of the one I used looks exactly like this:

The white tube is the disposable bit. That's the part you have to wrap your lips around and blow into. Eventually we got a readable graph and it turned out all good.

That done, I went to get started on the ECG (some of you know it as EKG). My doc left the treatment room and I was left alone with the tech. Since I'm staff (at a different branch) she made a little bit of small talk and asked a few questions about work and how things were going. And if I had done this for any of the patients at my branch and if we were using the same machine etc. I said I didn't have the foggiest how to work it, so she offered to show me how to set up the test in case I ever needed to do it on my end. She thought it might be useful for me to know. 

Never one to refuse an opportunity to learn something I said yes, and ended up using my own naked torso as the specimen on which she would explain where to place the leads (sticky sticker things you paste on your skin) and how to attach the wires (to said sticky sticker things). 

I'm grateful that I'm missing the 'embarrassment gene' BIKSS insists exists in regular people. I suppose most people (women, I mean) might feel a little awkward at using their own left boob and nipple to learn the correct placement of the stickers while someone stands over them and points away. 

She did say I didn't have to remove my clothing, as long as I loosened my bra and lifted it and my shirt up over my boobs, but then I thought that felt a little too weird, like being clothed but at the same time exposed despite it. Didn't sit well with me, so I just took everything off. 

I had never seen an ECG being done, nor ever known what it entailed (being half naked). So this was quite the experience. The actual test - lying still for 10 seconds and not talking - was the easy part. 

And for your reference, here's a pic of where the 6 chest leads go:

"Centre left and right," she tells me, "then one here below the nipple line, one between this one (she points to the second one) and the nipple line, one at the side (she points to my side) and one between the nipple line and the side."

As I was repeating it back to her while she helped me along, I couldn't help but think to myself, I've never heard anyone say "nipple" to me so many times in the span of 5 minutes! Not even BIKSS!

But on to the good news! 

After that was done I took the readout back to my doctor and he chuckled good-naturedly in not-so-mock-disbelief and amusement. 

"These machines are known to be notoriously over-calibrated. For most people the read-out comes with a nice long essay at the bottom of what's going on in the heart. I have to convince them it's normal, nothing's wrong, and the machine is just being overly detailed in listing out even the slightest deviations. Your read-out says Normal ECG. No essay at the bottom. In machine-speak that's like saying your heart is perfect. All the values have to fall within a really tiny range for it to declare you normal. So you're good. Better than good. You can carry on smoking."

YAY!!!

OK, I'm NOT going to carry on smoking. But I'm not going to say I've quit either. Over the last week I've had some smokes when I was with my smoking friends. But I don't keep a pack on me all the time anymore. And it's working out good. 

I have one more test to go, a 2D echo that's been scheduled for the middle of next month. So I'll be back with more updates.

After all that medical stuff was over I had one more stop. My IPL appointment. Brazilian here I come!

Post-zapping I sent BIKSS a text to ask how busy he was and whether he could escape for a bit of a tryst. No dice. He was stuck at work.



Ah well, Daddy can't always help with EVERYTHING! I just never thought "not getting sex" was one of them.

*Here's a shout out to Roz - how did your spiro go?*

Friday Night Kissing

Because it's been a while since I had the night off on a Friday, BIKSS suggested we go out for dinner. Which we did. 

But before that he popped in to use the bathroom. When he came out he gave me an amused (?) look while he asked "How was the cigarette?"

EEEEK! Caught! SHIT! 

*guilty*

See, when we talked about this before it was settled that when I went out with certain persons it would be ok for me to sneak a few sticks. He just doesn't want me to be a card-carrying, or should I say, pack-carrying, smoker. Well, on Thursday night I had a drink session with some friends from work, and my best friend came to join us, and she's one of the certain persons I'm allowed to smoke with. Thing is, by the end of the night there were 2 sticks left in her pack, and she had already bought a spare, so she chucked the almost-empty one to me. Which meant that I had the luxury of having a ciggy the next morning with my coffee (and while I pooped...) and of course I didn't see the need to tell BIKSS. Ahem. I admit there was some planned deception on my part, which probably explains why I felt SO guilty later on. 

But anyway, I didn't go around checking that I didn't leave evidence or anything. It was a case of having just chucked the butt in the loo after I was done - apparently it didn't get flushed.

Enter the boyfriend. Who needed to pee. And they pee standing up and LOOKING INTO the bowl right? 

*Groan*

And then the question, and so I told him. But I felt so, so, so bad about it, that I kept apologising and wanting him to know how I came to have cigarettes with me at home... and he wasn't angry or disappointed or anything, he was just "amused" - his word. He says I have permission to smoke and he didn't say I wasn't to smoke at home or anything... if you ask me, he was just making excuses for me so I wouldn't feel lousy. 

*Thank you Daddy BIKSS* 

I'm just glad it didn't hurt our evening. We headed out to eat, his treat, and then we got some groceries. But this time he didn't get in the queue before I was ready to checkout! LOL

The rest of the night was magical! 

While I was waiting for him to get out of the shower he said I should go get naked and on the bed. He didn't say specifically to do so, but I got into presentation position for him. I figured I should try and be as pleasing as possible! He approved by giving me some swats from my belt. And then some hand spanks. OUCH! I think that hurt MORE than the belt!

Of course that got us all worked up and he entered me from behind, his thrusts punctuated by my grunts and moans, and his asking if I missed him pumping my pussy and other such lust-inducing, heat-generating questions!

We lay about after, and in round 2 I found the remote control for Roger! - It's his left nipple. I flicked over it with my tongue, and sucked on it... which made him want some attention from my mouth. Which made BIKSS kneel over my face. Which left his hands free to attack my clit. Which made me instinctively pull my legs together when it got too much. Which made BIKSS unhappy so he forced them open and smacked my inner thighs. Which got me totally horny. Which then led to more hot sex!

... And by the time we got to round 3 we were ready to slow things down enough to spend LOTS of time kissing and stroking and fondling each other! It went on for a good long time too, and I climbed on top of him to attack his earlobes. Which meant I was straddling his hips and in perfect position for him to enter me - which he did. He pumped into me this way a little while but it's not a very good position for us cos I don't have leverage to move much anywhere since he's a little wider and thicker than my not-so-lengthy legs can accommodate. So he flopped me onto my back and we kissed and groped some more while Roger found his way back into my pussy! And we continued with lips locked until he came. And I DO mean lips locked. Towards the end there I don't think what we did constitutes kissing per se. Our lips were just kinda holding on to each other! It was HOT!

He mentioned that earlier in the evening he was just thinking about how it's been a while since we kissed like that... and I had the same thought after round 1, so I suppose we have the same threshold for how long we can go without a serious snogfest - that's a comforting thought! Perhaps now it's time to work on aligning our threshold for how long with can go without a spanking!

and a shout-out to my FB addiction!

So That Smoking Thing?

I want to be able to have a stick now and again. When I say now and again, I kinda mean once a month. And recently we had a bit of a breakthrough cos I said this is possibly the only thing that I know he really doesn't care for and therefore it's my one way of holding on to something that states very clearly that I am not 100% his, just as he cannot be 100% mine. 

I know it's kind of contradictory to the whole TTWD thing, but it's what works for us. Now if we were together 100% things would be different. But as it stands, we're not. He can't be. And I won't allow myself to be either. Can a relationship be calculated? To some degree. Is this a childish tit for tat thing? Perhaps, to some.

I talked about trade-offs previously in a reply to Mr Woods' comment in this post. And I believe the ability to make my own decision on smoking is just my way of holding on to some part of myself. Sure there are other things that he's got me submitting to him in, which I could hold back instead, but those things are either a result of us being together now (and therefore automatically taken care of - my wild child self-damaging lifestyle is long gone!) or stuff that don't matter too much to BIKSS anyway (like sleeping before 3am). 

notice the heart shape in the wall?  

When I read Ward's post today about shutting down and distancing, and how both parties were responsible for keeping themselves and their partners from distancing, it reminded me of a conversation I had with BIKSS when we finally got to the bottom of this smoking matter.

In regards to Kitty's own smoking habit, Mr Woods says he will "wall those emotions off in myself so that she doesn't have to build any walls herself. I'll wall off the pain in my chest that I feel every time I know she's had one, so that she can keep herself totally and completely open to me, as she should." 

BIKSS wanted me to continue to tell him if I had a smoke and he was prepared to do the same. But I wouldn't have it that way. It wasn't a solution I was comfortable with. I didn't want to be responsible for causing him that stab of pain, and knowing that he has to wall that away just so that I would continue to be honest with him. 

In fact, it got to a point where I said there are many things he doesn't get jurisdiction over - family, household affairs, money matters etc. - and when situations arise in these areas of my life I deal with them myself. I don't bring them to him. I don't seek his advice all the time, or rely on him to think and work it through with me, to make the best decision for me/us because in these areas there IS no us. It's just ME. And if my smoking occasionally isn't something that he can accept without building a wall, then we'll just take it off the table entirely, the way some of the other things are completely out of his purview. 

I know it's a little unfair that I want to make him FEEL ok with it. But in the end we got back to the old rule of talking about it (and boy, this one sure took months of talking) and even tho the matter itself evolved over the larger part of a year, in the end I think he recognised that it was because I needed to hold on to it to protect myself from totally giving myself to a relationship that I might later be resentful towards, and I realised that he was just afraid that I'd go back to being a regular all-the-time smoker. 

So eventually he understood why I felt the need to hold on to it - the CHOICE to smoke, not the actual smoking - and I understood his absolute dislike for my wanting to smoke. And as long as I know that I have that liberty, and he knows that I will not go back to full-time smoking, we can now be ok with it. He's said that I don't have to tell him. That he trusts that I will not make it an all-the-time thing, and I will be careful about doing so only occasionally. On my part, I've assured him that it's not that I want to smoke all the time or anything, I just want to know that if I choose to have the occasional stick it won't be the cause of some major heart-breaking catastrophic episode for him. 

I said I'd like to still tell him, if that's ok with him, and he said yes. Remember when I talked about how he said to trust him? Even tho I thought he was just "giving up" or giving in, that in fact he had a change of heart and was now ok with it? This is what we were talking about. And I was so afraid that he was lying - that he would just be saying he's ok with it when really he'd actually still be dying inside and walling up the hurt and ... oh, yeah, did I ever tell you I could be overly-dramatic? So the bottom line is he says he's ok with it, and I trust that it's the truth.

So, yeah. This whole post is really just me realising and sharing what I've learnt - he isn't immune to building walls, and I'm well within my rights and even obliged, in fact, to make sure that he doesn't go putting them up, whether or not he thinks it's for anyone's good. Walls aren't allowed - for either of us. Talking is. And I think I'm slowly believing that no matter what the issue is, we'll always be able to sort it out together. It might take longer than one or two conversations, as evidenced by THIS saga... but I'm convinced we'll ALWAYS get there in the end.

(P.S. He's being SO communicative these days I'm over the moon!! Yeah BIKSS!!)

Trust

I told him the truth. 

I did something I'm not proud of. But the reason for doing what I did is now moot. It's the last resolution - one I did not post along with the rest, because writing it at that point would have seemed strange. And I wasn't ready to come clean yet.

So anyway, I've made a decision and that's now a thing of the past. And how do I know it'll stick this time? Because I made the decision for me - not cos BIKSS wanted me to want to. I think that's the difference. 

But that's not the point of this post. The point is how much I trust him. And how he is everything that I need him to be. My stronghold.

He didn't get mad. I'm a little unnerved actually, cos I thought there would be a reaction. But I'm not surprised. 

Here's an excerpt (edited):

So...don't get ME wrong. While I'm happy you are quitting for yourself, and even though I sorta understood that there might be a possibility that you would smoke behind my back, it's sticking in my throat that you did. Maybe it took THOSE events to make u come to the realization. I hope so - then they weren't for nothing. I'm not sure how much the fact you hid it from me is getting to me, but again, rationalizing it says that the end justifies the means.

I am not proud of what happened. I am ashamed. And sorry...

I'd normally say you should be...but I know the defense mechanisms you have and this was most likely one of them.

I want to crawl into you.

(Kiss emote) I'd welcome you.

Thank you for being my fortress.

You know you can tell me stuff right?

Yeah I know. That's why I do.

Good.

I'd rather tell you than NOT tell you. Despite it being a little complicated now. Knowing that when I tell you EVERYTHING that's going on inside my head it might end up hurting YOU in the process. So thank you for accepting this really strange state of affairs. 

Thank you for trusting me.

Yeah well, I did say I trust you with my life right? I meant it. 

I can almost guarantee we'll talk about it more the next time we meet. This was just the preliminary outpouring. Exploration of emotions and the whole process of working through our feelings and thoughts will happen in person I expect. There will be crying, there will be guilt, there will be understanding, there will be crawling into him. But most of all, there will be trust. 

Thinking

Always a dangerous thing, IMO. When I start thinking it means stuff isn't quite resolved. Or, I'm unhappy with the resolution. Or, something's just not sitting exactly right with me. 

Right now, it's the justification of that one silly puff of that one silly cigarette. 

*If you're bored to tears with this issue already, skip this post.*

There. You have been warned.

It Is Finished

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Light at the End of the Funnel

I'm not so PMS-y anymore. Things look less bleak and I'm feeling a lot better now. We even got some face time in last night - and then some.

I haven't been sleeping properly. I've been attending a seminar over the last 2 days (yes, another one!) and having to wake up early and commute means I can't stay up till 3 am like I usually do. This meant going to bed early and then having my sleep disrupted in the middle of the night : I don't know why this happened, it did. Maybe it's cos I'm fighting with my inner sub. Yes, fighting. Subby me wants to just say Yes to BIKSS and accept that this is best for me - I shouldn't smoke AT ALL and I know it. Regular me is unhappy about having that choice taken away from me. (How's that for a quick summary of what you missed in the last post where this saga began?)

A part of me wanted to kneel between his knees at his feet and just have him tell me that I don't get a choice. That I will agree to his terms. And that I will never touch another cigarette again as long as he's in my life. And I realise that's the problem. This is choice. I'm still empowered. I still get to choose. That's what's throwing me off-balance. 

It's too late to remedy that now tho. The conversations that have followed since the puff-of-empowerment have rendered it impossible for this particular resolution. It would seem contrived and un-genuine. Or something. Last night as I was struggling to find sleep a thought struck me. Here are the facts: he doesn't like the smell and the taste. I, however, enjoy the motions and the habit rather than the actual substance. The solution? Even if only as a temporary measure:  the E- cigarette.

               

If you want to know how it works, take a look at this site.

I'm not sure what the exact parameters are going to be, how happy he's going to be with this solution (although preliminary discussions show promise), or if this is going to be just a first step forward on a journey towards an eventual total and complete exclusion of anything smoking-related.

Still, it's something. Which, if cliches are to be believed, is better than nothing. 

We're meeting later to go exercise. And discuss this. Wish me luck. No, that's not right. Wish us good communication. Yeah. That's better. 

[I was multi-tasking as I wrote this so please excuse me if I sound disjointed or the post feels haphazardly thrown together.]

Stuck

I'm PMS-ing. So this post is going to be all over the place I suspect. (Plus I'm at work and have a free hour to spare so I'm rushing through this before I'm needed again... )

There is something in my head right now. A thought. A conversation. Perhaps I'm schizophrenic. Do you ever feel like you're having a conversation with yourselves? I don't mean to address the many different readers when I say that. I mean the many different versions of you! Cos in my head it feels like there are 5 different MEs. There's the daughter / sister / friend that is Me (1).  There's Me the girlfriend/best friend in relation to BIKSS (2), which then of course means there is Me the girlfriend-sub too (3). And what about the Me that lives in the real world, working and paying the bills (4)? Then there's selfish Me who sometimes pokes her head out and says What About Me?! (5)

I often wonder if we should have gotten involved in the first place. Well, he's great. And he's good to me. And he's a lovely fellow. And I don't regret it. Good. Next question.

Should we have kept our relationship an entirely physical one? Well, it's hard not to chat before/after sex especially since he was already my confidant before any of this started. It was only natural that feelings would develop. Am I happy to love him? Yes. Do I feel good about how he feels about me? That he loves me too? Duh. Obviously. Right, then. Next...

This Dom/sub thing. Now here's where it gets complicated. Perhaps a 24/7 TTWD arrangement just isn't feasible in our situation. How can I leave him to be in control and be in charge of everything when our set-up just doesn't allow for that kind of all-encompassing involvement in my life? So some stuff he gets to call the shots on... and some he doesn't. Is that how it works?

Something inside me feels stuck. There's a cog that's not fitting properly into the whole scheme of things. Do I want to just limit D/s to the bedroom and sexual activity? Well, it's a bit hard to do that. What would be the point? It'd just be a kinky layer in addition to our awesome sex life. That's not the thing I crave. I crave the submission. The kneeling, the relinquishing, the giving up and giving in. But that's the cog that doesn't fit. I can't be at peace and allow myself to give up control when there are so many things I still have to be master of.

Work, family and my home are the obvious ones. But what about money? Surely it's my call. But if one wanted to say it's a grey area, one could. Financial responsibility is closely related to personal well-being and growth/learning. What about behaviour and choices when out with friends- other people, folks who aren't privy to our unique situation, who can't see us together. I'm independent then right? Again, one could argue that I am never truly independent if I have a Master. But wait. Do I? I hate grey areas. Is he Master of some things and not others? How would that work?

Hey, you wanted to be his sub. So suck it up and do what he says. Well, yeah. Watched the old Spiderman movies? (Strangely the new one doesn't have the Spidey quote.) "With great power comes great responsibility." It's hard to relinquish all power when you don't have the luxury of giving up all responsibility. It just can't work. Right?

So now I'm faced with the smoking dilemma all over again. Do I leave it on the table? Or do I take it off.

I'm not about to go and start smoking again. I wanted a puff off a friend's cigarette cos I missed it. And I chose to do it. Well, cos to my mind BIKSS never explicitly said he wanted me never to smoke again. It was (in my head) a decision / choice I made based on what I knew he preferred and whatever other reasons I had for quitting. Did I think he'd be mad? I really didn't know. Why did I do it? Cos he never said I couldn't ever. Does he always have to be so explicit? Well, yes. I can't read minds. I know he'd rather I didn't. I don't know that there's an absolute measure for "rather". See, I'd rather not eat chicken skin. But if it was a little bit, in a food I really enjoyed, I'd be ok, especially on a day I was feeling daring and if I'd been on my meds diligently, and I hadn't had any in a long time. You know? I didn't think his view about this was NO and not I'd prefer it if you didn't.

Maybe the bigger question is how much of it is what [I] want and how much of it is what [HE] wants for me. If it were entirely up to me, would I be ok with a puff every now and then? Yes. For him? Not so much. Wait. That's what got us into all this mess - lack of specific detailing. OK. Try that again shall I? For me?  A puff a week is fine. For him? Not at all acceptable. Never. See the difference?

I can't deal with this now. I'm emotional and stressed out. And all I'm feeling is stuck at the moment. So his question to me was - Do I want to take this off the table altogether? Go back to the 12-hour rule? In which case I'd be free to do what I wanted (I assume) and not have to tell him if and when I did smoke a cigarette every now and then. It would be entirely my choice. And not under his jurisdiction. Not that that's what I'm after, but I'm just saying, I don't know if that would sit better with me - not being answerable. 

Feels like I'm halfway in and halfway out of TTWD.

Cos what it boils down to is this - I keep coming back to this sentence in my head. It swims so much in and around my brain that it has just about taken up permanent residency : How can I be answerable to someone who can't be answerable for me?