Thoughts and Finding my Mojo

The fotos of the trip will come soon, I promise. 

(and soon is a strange word innit? anyone here seen The Chosen? if you have, you'll understand the reference to that word!)

While we were on vacation (ok, I was on vacation, BIKSS was working) I found my mojo. Either

1) Those essential oils for rebalancing my hormones are working, or

2) The fact that they're relaxing and calming and have eased all the aches and pains means I'm more receptive to sexy time stuff. 

The boss thinks it probably also has something to do with getting over the chronic stress and tension of being a caregiver for half a decade.  He says usually it takes about 6-8 months, or sometimes even 12 months, for this kind of long-term stress and anxiety to wear off before any interest in sex returns. 

Well, whatever it is, I'm glad it's back. 

We had many plenty sex. BIKSS got many plenty blowjobs. We had sex in the mornings, before bed, when he got back to the hotel room after work and before going out to dinner... 

The room came equipped with spanking apparatus too!

OK Fine, it was a clothes brush. But a handle is a handle, and THAT handle made contact with my butt! 

There were hand spanks too, and not just on my ass. The boobs got smacked, the face got smacked, even pussy got a few slaps for good measure. 

There was pinching, there was gagging, there was panting, there was a lot of action that had been missing in our sex life over the last few years. And there was interest. 

I was horny. ACTUALLY horny. Not just "dutifully" servicing the man, but demanding to be serviced! 

So yes, I think the mojo is back, and I think BIKSS is relieved. 

He's been extremely sweet over the last few years that I've been disinterested in sex. We HAVE fucked, don't get me wrong, but I haven't exactly been eager to tear his clothes off. 

If I'm being honest, a lot of it was duty driven. Which brings me to the other thing that's been on my mind a lot lately. 

For some reason this topic of conversation has been making an appearance frequently over the last month or so. In a nutshell, it's this - if you don't take care of your man, he's going to find someone else who will. (We are M/f so my examples and references will reflect this type of coupling.)

I will qualify this by saying I'm not talking JUST about sex. But that IS a part of it. 

So here is where I might sound like I'm comparing myself to his wife. That's not the intention, but if it looks that way, then so be it. 

For one thing, there's the sex and the blowjobs. Then there's the DDlg / D/s dynamic. That one's a little contentious. After all, it was ME who wanted such a dynamic, not him. But he has found it agreeable and enjoys it all the same. 

But it's the other things. Health. Diet. Supplements. Blood tests. Vaccinations. Thankfully he's able to handle exercising on his own, but in the past, that was something I would drag him out to do too. Vacation itineraries. Food adventures. Arts and Culture - I make it a point to attend shows and concerts and events that will enrich us. Fashion. Personal Style (when he changed jobs to join the luxury industry we both realised it was necessary to up-style his wardrobe!) Information. Tools. I used to send him links to videos and articles that were relevant to his industry (especially in the first months of his joining the new company).

When we vacation together I'm his personal round-the-clock housekeeping service. Coffee maker, cup washer, shoe arranger, shirt folder, towel hanger upper, personal item picker upper. You get the idea. I said to him recently, it must be nice to have your own slave with you on a business trip. (And I don't mean specifically Master/slave type of slave in the context of us having a D/s r/p. But literally a slave-girl to do all the chores and keep the place neat and clean and serve him coffee when he arrives back at the hotel after work.)

When we do get a chance to wake up together in the morning I make certain to touch him, stroke his chest, kiss whatever part of him is easily reachable to me in my sleepy state without my having to move around too much. 

I am currently trying to reset a lappy that I got for free so that he can have it to use at home without lugging the office lappy back and forth. Sure, I could chuck the thing at him and say, here, I got it, you configure it. But if I can do a thing that makes his life easier I would do it. 

Very, very early on, in the first few months of this blog's inception, I wrote a post about our dynamic. I said pretty much the same thing. If something I do can make his life a little bit easier, a little bit happier, then I'm doing it.  

Coming back to the bit about taking care of your man, I must also mention intellectual stimulation. I know one of the things he enjoys about spending time with me is that I make him think. And we spar. And we discuss. And sometimes we fight (not my best moments...). We learn stuff together. We talk about philosophical things. We dig around each others' brains to suss out deep dark thoughts and desires. And I always want to know what he's feeling. About work. About himself. About his life. Well, with one exception. 

For obvious reasons, the one topic I will not discuss is his family. Not only does it not concern me, but I am (and have to be) kept especially and entirely separate from it. Therefore I find it would only harm my emotional self if I were to discuss this aspect of his life. And this is something I will not do. I will care for him and build him up as long as it is not detrimental to my own self. 

But that's also a very specific exclusion peculiar to our situation. And doesn't apply to regular marriages and relationships. 

Anyway I shall continue. The thing that I have discovered is that the friends (women) with whom I have discussed this topic have all in one way or another come close to 'losing' their blokes, or at the very least felt that their relationships were headed south. And then realised that the fix was relatively simple. And once they decided to start 'taking care' of their men, things got a whole lot better. 

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, as girls growing up in my generation we were taught about equality and all that jazz. Stand on your own two feet. You don't need to pander to the needs of any man. You don't need them. You are independent, educated, confident. Blah blah blah. But no one reminded us that at the heart of the matter, men and women have very different needs and it's all just biology. They want to feel loved, wanted, cared for, and nurtured. These are not needs that are reserved just for the fairer sex, as romance novels (and Disney princesses of old) would have us believe.

(Before anyone reminds me that this is a D/s community and what I've been talking about is what everyone here already knows, that the Dom-sub relationship works wonders for a relationship because it is very often part of the contract or dynamic that subs, for want of better phrasing, give their Doms whatever is asked or required of them as the Doms see fit or for their pleasure; I want to emphasise that some men may not be comfortable with dominance and may not enter into such a relationship with thier spouses. Or their spouses may not be willing to be a sub. Honestly, would BIKSS and his partner have a much better relationship with D/s present? Sure. I believe so. Would he ever have brought it up to her? No. Would she have ever agreed to it? No. At least, I doubt it GREATLY. My point is, couples don't have to be in a D/s r/p to enjoy the rewards of this dynamic. JUST TAKE FUCKING CARE OF YOUR  MAN. Or he's going to find someone else who will.)

And now, let the arrows fly! 

(Comments are welcome. You are allowed to disagree, or unfollow. But please, keep it civil. )

Growth

... is when I tell BIKSS I disapprove of his parenting style and then I get grumpy and he doesn't get grumpy back. And then when he asks me what I wanna get first (we were at the big-ass mart cos I needed some stuff for the trip) I say "A new boyfriend would be nice" and he says "at least wait till after the trip, cos tickets have been paid for!"

And I know we'll be ok. 

It's when he starts to hold me and put his hand around me and I turn to him and say "I know what you're doing, service-recovery-ing, even tho you did nothing wrong and I'm just annoyed cos I disapprove of your choices" and we can laugh about it. 

Growth. Is not letting go just cos someone's in a pissy mood. AKA - me. I'm usually the one in the pissy mood.

It's knowing that being angry at something isn't the same as being angry at someone. That sometimes, it's better to just SAY what it is that's annoying the shit out of me than to try and have that conversation with myself in my brain. 

And I'm glad that even tho I snap at him and rant and grumble, he knows I still love him. And he knows that "controlled distancing" is the way thru the PMS jungle. (He's a pro at it now!)

Have a chip ~

Not Vanilla No More (+ Money, Minerals and Mental Health)

Our sex is. I'm not. It's also got to do with the fluctuating hormone levels I think. We've (me, that is) come to the conclusion that regular vanilla sex isn't gonna cut it no more - for me that is, Roger doesn't care too much. But the one thing I can still count on to get those juices flowing is a blowjob. 

The inner monologue in my head goes something like "Mmm, yes, that feels nice but I don't think it's working for the puss quite as well as I'd like. Oh he's doing something new now. OK, not bad. But it tickles more than it excites... Ok enough already. We haven't got all night. It's blowjob time!"

And I get between his legs and all of a sudden I feel that familiar jolt that starts in my belly and makes its way down between my legs. Now we're talking! 

Ahem.

I don't know if things would be better if we incorporated some spanking, pinching, slapping and all-round D/s fun, but since none of that is happening around these parts (a combination of factors would be responsible for this lack - not the least of which are geography and my mental state) I suppose we'll have to depend on that tried and tested, all time favourite to get me in the mood LOL. 

-----------

and speaking of vanilla, a waffle. At a place nearby. We saw the shop some time ago. Just never got round to trying it out. Too crispy. To crunchy. Definitely not gonna spend anymore money there. Glad I didn't even spend money there the first time cos I used the free dollars from my cashback app!

Our most recent dinner was also discounted, as was the coffee we had after that. 

I registered for an account with a new digital bank. And I've been getting lots of coupons and rebates from it. So far it fits my spending style and I don't go out of my way to use the virtual debit card either. It just happens to work well with my purchase patterns. (Spend x number of dollars at ABC store for bonus interest on deposits, use the card at least x number of times for bonus rebates etc.) 

We tried an octopus carpaccio - first time for us! We were both pleasantly surprised by how much we liked it.

duck leg confit - very well done. Crispy, not too dry, falls off the bone. Perfect.

and a caeser for extra veggies and protein - we've had this a million times before. Still as good.

Add to that some sparkling yuzu juice and you've got a $57 dollar dinner (and that's AFTER they'd lopped off 10%).

And why did we get yuzu juice? Cos I needed something strong enough to mask the very mineral-y taste of this - 

I picked up a tiny bottle. I don't think I'll take it EVERYday but I reckon the occasional boost can't hurt. I plan to add it to our drinks when we meet for dinners. That way we'll both get a little extra a few times a week. 

Wanna know what brought this on?

Mental Health and Nutrition.

Yup. I'm back to doing my online courses! 

While I'm not paying for a verified cert, I *am* still learning a LOT from the free sections that are available to audit-only learners. I think the only difference is that I don't have to take part in the bits that would count towards the "engagement" score in the final tally. Well, that, and NO TESTS!

It has been a good week!

Here's a chip pic. Cos it's been a while.

It doesn't matter if it's VEGGIE chips. As long as it's well salted!

One of those Days

Nothing has to change. 

.It already has.

It won't matter. 

.It does matter. 

I won't let it. 

.You can't not let it. 

I'm not gonna get involved. 

.You're already involved. 

We'll figure it out. 

.I've already figured it out. 

~~

Just cos you want it to be one way, doesn't mean it's going to end up that way cos you say it.

I don't know which I find more infuriating - Knowing that the shit will happen, or knowing that I'm right but you are oblivious to the obvious. 

Le. Sigh. 

To Comment or Not to Comment

Sooooo it's not the first post to talk about reasons for blogging and fellow-blogger interaction and comment etiquette - if there is such a thing. 

But Bonnie's post inspired me to leave a comment there and midway thru' I realised that even if someone read my post and didn't have anything post-related to write, a "Hello, I was here" would still be a lovely thing to see. 

I understand, as I am also guilty of this, that sometimes you might read and not write anything because you may not have anything relevant / of import to say regarding the topic of the day. 

I mean, I write about Plants. Food. My Mother. Surely there are readers who do not know about plants, food, or mothers.😏. And so they read and don't leave a comment that day (I assume). Or, well, you know, ever. And I cannot expect everyone to know what a plant is, or what purpose food serves or how mothers came to be. So surely there are those who will just be passing through. 

But if you're ever here and want to leave a comment but don't know what to say, just say "Popping in to say Hi," and that will suffice. I don't need to enter into a meaningful discussion in the comment section. I just like having people say Hello. 

My question to other bloggers is - Do you feel the same way? If your post that day asks for captions (KD, I'm looking at you) or if you've written something about an illness (and I have had no experience with it either first, second or any hand), or perhaps you've drawn something, shared a pic, or written a poem or otherwise produced something which might fall into the "creative" category, and I don't connect with it, would you prefer I leave a "Hello, stopping by to say I was here today" comment? Or would you rather a reader didn't mar your comment wall with irrelevant (to the post) text?

(Don't be surprised if you see just a Hi and/or a "Like", or maybe a thumbs up 👍 on your posts.)

Leave a comment letting me know. Or not. You could just leave a smiley face emoji. I don't really care one way or the other. But it would be nice, since you came round, to just say hi. Like how you wave or smile when you pass a friend on the street, you know? I mean, YOU DID CLICK ON MY BLOG. ON PURPOSE. TO COME SEE WHAT I WROTE. 

Ahem. Was that too loud?

Ok, leave a comment. 

My chip pic today ~ 

(I've been watching Ocean's Eleven)

Shopping Day and Childhood Fantasies

I needed to pick up some little pots for babeh plants, and a planner for next year. And Yankee Candles. Cos they're the only scented candles that are easily got around these parts that carry the scent throughout the life of the candle. Most others are like posers - come on strong then peter out halfway through the flirtation. 

BIKSS took the afternoon off. We met in town around 1pm and had ourselves a very decent hot pot lunch. 

Set meal for two - fish, chicken, pork and beef slices, two trays of veggie/mushrooms, and two servings of tanghoon (mungbean vermicelli), with a pot containing a choice of 2 different soups - BIKSS picked a spicy tom yum and mine was a herbal chicken soup, Chinese style.

I was amused by the heart shaped tofu

Bubble bubble toil and trouble...

After lunch and having gotten up all the stuff I needed / wanted, we headed out to another mall where there was an outlet store of a brand of shoes that BIKSS likes. He picked up a pair of brown leather oxfords that look something like this - 

Altho I think they might have been a bit darker in colour. 

After shopping we went to a Starbucks, this time we stuck to regular non-sugar-laden drinks. A no-sugar cold brew latte for BIKSS and a decaf mocha for me. 

We had a lovely time people-watching and having what I call "sparkling" conversation. Mainly about BDSM, what and who we thought about while jerking off, sharing dirty secret fantasies etc. It was fun, and something we hadn't done in a long time, mainly because we haven't had to opportunity to just chat for hours and hours at a stretch in a long time. 

And even after all this time we both managed to discover new things about each other. Which was lovely and amusing. 

One of the things that came up was my early fantasies. BDSM friend had asked me how young I was when I realised I was a sub. I told her I had fantasies featuring a strict dance teacher that began when I was maybe 9 or 10. I didn't elaborate beyond that. But it started me thinking and by the time we sat down to coffee (me and BIKSS) I had managed to recall those early fantasies in a bit more detail.

I shared that while I never had a storyline in my head when I was masturbating, there was always an imagining of an environment in which I was in a class or group engaging in some kind of activity or attending a lesson under the tutelage of a strict disciplinarian / authority figure. I never pictured the actual activity or lesson in detail, but mostly it was some physical thing. Dance class, or exercise session, sometimes a music lesson, or just some form of physical training for a phantom competition I was preparing for. 

The main thing was that we were always pushed to some limit, Be quiet, Do it again, Don't stop, Keep moving,  and a lot of the time the most prominent feature was a voice in my head lecturing and scolding and being very stern about complying with the rules / instructions etc. 

There was never any punishment or consequence - I was always very obedient in my fantasies LOL. 

BIKSS knew some of this already, but I don't think I ever talked too much about it. Mainly, I suspect, because I had forgotten most of it. Until now. It's amazing what the mind remembers. I never thought of it as submission though. 

On his part, his fantasies always involved rough sex. He, too, never thought of it within the framework of D/s. But there was definitely hair pulling and choking! His choice of porn also reflected this aspect of his sexual preference. 

I suppose it's a good thing our tastes match up then. So that my saying I wanted to be TiH (that was my first encounter with anything resembling D/s when I started looking up this stuff on the web) didn't freak him out as much as it might have someone else who only thought about tender vanilla sex (yuck!) and gave him an avenue to explore his darker side. 

How about you? Did you fantasise about the kink you now partake in as a child? When did you know? How did you come to find out that you were into D/s , BDSM , whatever you call it? 

My mood pic today comes with a story ~

Midway through our sparkling conversation I said something about Pythagoras' Theorem and BIKSS went on to say something totally incorrect about it. Well, Maths was never his forte. I, on the other hand, had 'A's in the subject all through school. Anyway, I began to explain what it was and he protested, saying he didn't want to know, he wouldn't ever need to use it and I should stop before he retaliates with the details of WW1 and WW2 (I don't tolerate History well and often my eyes glaze over after 3 sentences, max, and not in that subspace way either!) 

I was laughing hysterically, giggly as shit cos he was being really funny gesticulating all over the place. But before things escalated I agreed to shut up. Then proceeded to fold a napkin. And a piece of paper. To illustrate a right-angled triangle, under the guise of mopping up the ring of condensation that had formed under his cup. When he picked up his cup to take a sip I pointed at the longest side and said - "That's the hypotenuse!"

He called me a sneaky little thing. :D

Teacher's Day Dinner

Not really, more like our usual Friday night dinner, it just happened to be the day that our schools celebrate Teacher's Day here. 

I had a lousy week so BIKSS gave me the option of selecting our dinner venue, or we could drive around and / or try a new restaurant if I wanted to, he said. But what I really wanted was some place nice, not noisy, and reliable, so that's how we ended up at the same place we had our Christmas dinner last year. We haven't been back there since. So I thought it would be a nice treat, even though it's a little bit pricier than the places we usually go and I don't particularly like spending too much money on dinners for no reason. 

I'm glad it didn't disappoint. 

It was a very cauliflowery affair - 

Butter-Roasted Cauliflower with Parmesan and Hazelnut Pesto

So good. SO SO Good. 

Cauliflower ‘Wings’ with BBQ Sriracha Dip

(I had him ask for ketchup cos I'm not a BBQ sauce fan)

Even gooder than the first cauliflower dish. They really know their cauliflower, is all I can say.

I also wanted a Sautéed Tuscan Kale with Baby Spinach & Garlic cos I thought it sounded yummy...

I took a mouthful and proclaimed it "not nice". He laughed and replied "Guess I'll be having lots of kale tonight!"

It needed some flavour. I dumped some ketchup over a portion that I dragged to my plate and it was kinda edible after that. 

 Our main was Roasted Barramundi with Potato Galette & Seaweed Butter

Which is the same thing we had the last time we were here! They do good barramundi :) 

The best part of dinner? I could be little. Adulting has been hard this week, and there was SO MUCH adulting to do. 

At one point he said don't play with your cutlery and I whined Oh leave me be, I've been adulting all week! I did change back to using my knife and fork the proper way tho. 

I also attempted to pour more water into my glass and he reached over and took over the bottle, doing it for me instead. "Why? I can pour!" His reply - Enough adulting for one week. 

Hokay, if you insist! I'm not going to argue with that! 

I realise our dynamic is always still there, in varying amounts depending on the situation, but it's always there. And I like that it's become part of us, all the time, instead of something that we have to think about or call attention to, or make special effort to employ. 

After that we did some deliveries (I passed some spare boxes of disposable masks to a friend who is part of an outreach group helping migrant worker communities, then dropped off a vase at a friend's place) and then BIKSS bought me some yummy donuts and we headed home. 

~~~

While we were kissing I stopped and asked him what was in his brain at that very moment. And he replied, "Nothing, just kiss her, and well, TONGUE!!!" 

I laughed. Cos what was in my brain was I wonder what's in his brain, or in a guy's brain, when they're kissing and stuff, cos Roger's hard and he's clearly turned on, and I'm taking a while to get there, but then, if I'm thinking all sorts of nonsense like I am now then of COURSE I'm not gonna be able to get where I wanna get.

He got down to serious turning-on business after that and my brain wasn't thinking about nonsense no more. There was definitely something going on between my legs... and his fingers didn't take long to figure that out. 

I would even say he proceeded to show me he meant business when he slipped his finger(s) in and manipulated my pussy with a vengeance!

That'll teach me to go off and think when I'm supposed to be engaging in foreplay LOL. 

My mood pic today ~ 

(Yep, this is how I was wielding my cutlery! LOL)

We Went to Dinner and It Wasn't Great

First, I had had a crappy busy week. The kind of week where you keep wondering why it's taking so long to get to Friday. 

I had back to back lessons on Monday cos I needed Tuesday free to take mum to the doc. Wednesday was the visit to the columbarium. I needed to get supplies on Thursday. And FINALLY it was Friday. 

In the past I recall weeks that had gone by in a flash - especially when I had a full schedule - but this time it just bloody dragged on and on. 

Still, I needed to pick up some free rescue stuff and get to a pharmacy for a syrup for mum, so BIKSS got me (after I fed mum an early dinner) and off we went. 

To a place that we'd been to MANY times in the past. Where we could count on great service, friendly smiles, and reliable food. 

But it wasn't. 

EVERYTHING WAS TOO SALTY. 

The salad was salty. The spicy prawns were salty. I could eat none of it. BIKSS said, let's wait for the fish. He was quite happy to eat the stuff - it's a little more salty than usual, he said, but still edible. 

No, it wasn't. It wasn't edible. 

He maintained that it's cos I have a low threshold. But that's not it either. I know I can (and do, at home anyway) eat unsalted food with no problem. But I am fully aware of what is considered a "regular" amount of salt when it comes to store-bought, restaurant-cooked meals. I eat normal food at normal places too, do I not? And I don't complain about the salt level in there, even tho I would also be fine with much less. 

"Let's wait for the fish," he suggested. It was fine except the skin tasted like a sheet of salt.

BIKSS suggested eating the fish and chucking out the skin but I was having none of it. Why would I give up eating the best part (to me) of a grilled salmon just cause the chef can't cook. 

So he called the waitress over, told her about it, and she apologised and took the prawns and fish away. 

She wanted to change them both, and at first BIKSS said it wasn't necessary to change the prawns but I said no, let's change it. After all, it was good gravy, and I didn't get to eat ANY of it. And we're still gonna have to pay for everything anyway. 

So she brought us new prawns. It was much better. 

And the fish? The mash tasted fine. The flesh of the salmon and gravy too. 

"Let's see if the skin is any better." 

I flipped the chunk of salmon over. 

There was no skin. Le sigh. 

BIKSS laughed. But I was just like whatever. It wasn't a good dinner date. And I wanted to get on with the rest of the errands for the evening (friend wanted to come by to pick something up but I was afraid we wouldn't be back in time so I offered to drop it off at her place on the way home  - she lives very close by.)

I decided I wanted more donuts. So we got donuts. And then friend mentioned that she's now dreaming of donuts. So BIKSS stopped the car and I went and got 2 more donuts for her. 

And then we almost drove into a carpark but BIKSS noticed it didn't have her block number on the sign, so we turned out again. Then I gave BIKSS wrong directions so he had to make another u-turn to get to said friend's house. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I'm writing this I can't help but wonder if this is an accurate depiction of life right now. Mine, at any rate, if not everyone's.

Things you think you know, that you are sure of, are suddenly not a certainty anymore. 

Things you've come to expect and depend on no longer can be counted on. 

Something that you've been looking forward to that you KNOW will be comforting and satisfying is now the thing that's causing you to be unhappy.

Things that in small quantities can add spice and flavour to your life suddenly get chucked upon you in too-large quantities and overpower you. 

Plans that start out simple end up getting changed a million times until it doesn't look anything like the original anymore. 

You think you know where you're going, you can see the destination, but it takes you way too long to get there because the route you knew (or thought you knew) is off limits and now you have to obey all these other rules and conform to what everyone has to do.

And there's no such thing as just making ME feel better, cos there's always someone else who also wants a donut. 

My mood pic today ~ 

It's Our Country's Birthday - We're 56 - and some OTHER Numbers

We turn 56 today and it's a holiday, but there's not going to be any big parade. Instead they're having a ceremonial one whatever that means and I suppose we'll all just watch it on TV. 

We should all just have one man parades.... LOL

There WILL be a "party" on the 21st, and I'm not sure if they're actually going to have people in a crowded space shouting and screaming in the heat - but I'm certain I don't want to be there. 

We've reached 70% full vaccination. I suppose the government is glad they met their target - their plan was 2/3 of the population by August. Counting those who have received at least one dose, that number goes up to about 80%. 

The plan is that by September we'll be 80% fully vaccinated. 

This is good news for relaxing of measures. 

I know that our case numbers are pretty low in comparison to other countries, particularly our immediate neighbours, but that's cos seemingly extreme measures were put in place to prevent widespread infection - evidently it's working. (To date approx 65k cases in total, 41 deaths, and about 2k active cases currently)

We test whole blocks of residents if there are at least 3 positive cases in the block; quarantine orders are issued for anyone who has come into close contact (15 mins at 1.5m or less) with a confirmed case and that means keeping any kids at home (so they don't spread it in school) until a second negative swab test result for the person in quarantine; and not allowing dining-in at all eateries, AT ALL - not even outdoor ones. This means we get LOTS of changes and updates every week or two, and that's probably the thing that annoys me the most. But I suppose the plan has been to keep everyone away from everyone else as much as possible until the majority have been vaccinated. 

Now that we've reached that point, it seems we can carry on with life again, somewhat, but I'm certain there will be new challenges and a different trend will emerge, one that will need reactionary measures again. Only this time the parameters will look very different, I suspect. 

They've taken off the "possible exposure alert" on our tracing app since they made the announcement to relax the rules. And we are left wondering if this is the next step in their move to "living with Covid as an endemic instead of pandemic" as previously announced. 

Of course this means that maybe just maybe I'll be able to sneak BIKSS in again for some nookie. The last time we had sex was on the 4th of June. I looked. Cos I write down EVERYTHING. 

That's 2 months and then some. 

We'll also be able to eat out again. HURRAY. Time to use that voucher.

Honestly, I think being NOT on dates regularly has given me some separation anxiety and I think I've coped by just shutting out and becoming numb in the relationship department. I still enjoy the texts and chats when we DO walk but I'm not craving intimacy. Which is a bit alarming. Oh well. Let's see what happens moving forward. (It could be Covid lockdown's fault, but it could also just be my hormones.)

Speaking of - my hormones have all gone haywire - the last time I had a period was on the 12th of June. Thankfully the hot flashes have stopped and I'm sleeping thru the night again. 

The irony tho. No period. But no sex. But also, no cums. Not many in any case. I've probably had 3 cums in the last 2 months. The libido has Covid. It's in some serious need of resuscitation I think.

While my hormones seem to be less problematic these days, relatively speaking, the MSK pains (musculoskeletal) have gotten more pronounced. It could be the crazy long / fast walks I've been doing (I try going faster when I'm walking solo), it could also be the uphill / downhill walk I did with financial guru/accountant friend last Wed, but I think it's made worse by the let's-push-mum TOO FAR in her wheelchair outings when I take her out solo on our caregiver's day off. 

So I went and did some research on Kinesiology tape and did a simple tape up for knee to see if it will help. So far, it's not too bad and I can at least squat to pee without pain LOL. 

In a nutshell - 

When the tape is applied to your body, it recoils slightly, gently lifting your skin. It is believed that this helps to create a microscopic space between your skin and the tissues underneath it.

Some physical therapists think the tape changes the information your sensory nervous system is sending about pain and compression in your body. 

[Our tissues] ...contain sensory receptors that feel pain, temperature, and touch. Those receptors all contribute to proprioception—your brain’s sense of where your body is and what it’s doing. Kinesiology taping creates a lift that unloads the underlying tissues. Decompressing those tissues can change the signals going to the brain. 

I don't know if any of it is actually working, but I AM aware of the tape around my knee, and perhaps that's messing with the pain signals after all.

There's a specific way to tape for injury so it's not like you just plaster it over the painful spot. 

Youtube has LOTS of how-to videos.

 

I'm going to research how to tape my 5th metatarsal next - or cuboid bone. It's been a bit achey and I suspect I may have a syndrome / stress reaction. I thought it was my ankle but it didn't seem to fit the classic ankle sprain (ATFL) descriptions. 

ATFL

The pain I have seems to be on the TOP of the foot. I might ask the boss about getting an X-ray when I go back to work after the holiday. 

(my.clevelandclinic.org)

In other medical updates, Mum's next geri appointment is on the 24th. They shifted it from the 10th. Probably because there were some cases in the medical centre at the hospital and they were trying to keep people away as much as possible. 

I hope this time the doctor gives her something for her anxiety. 

I'm nagging BIKSS cos he still hasn't gone and booked his medical appointment. He's checking with his insurance to see what they will or won't cover.

He also had the sniffles last Thursday and had to do another swab. His third so far. 

Thankfully, I've had none. 

And on that note I shall sign off with today's slightly optimistic mood pic ~ Is it finally safe to come out now?

I've Often Thought (Trigger Warning)

Possible triggers - do not read on if the topics of death / dementia upset you (at this point, or ever).

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Have you ever heard of Terminal Lucidity? 

It's the middle of the night and I've been binge watching Downton. 

And all that death got me thinking. (I suppose I am my mother's daughter after all.)

I've heard of this phenomenon of a person rallying before death. Although that's not as popular here as the phrase "buang tebiat", which is Malay, but I'm not sure if they use it the way we Peranakans do. 

You see, we often say that when a person is about to depart this world they will buang tebiat, which kinda sorta means to go crazy, throw a tantrum, or generally be most difficult just for disagreeability's sake, depending on who you ask. 

And it has often been said that they do this so those they leave behind will be glad to see them go after all the trouble they've caused, thereby lessening the grief ... or some such thing. 

I've often just thought the thing that did that was Dementia. 

Dementia helps you say goodbye, a little bit at a time, to the person that they once were, as you watch them slowly turn into something they're not. 

The living with it part sucks big time. But it really does make the death-proper a little easier to bear in the end. 

My mood pic today ~ 

Balance

I've been thinking about this recently. About how everything in life is about balance. 

I eat healthy and exercise regularly to balance out the oxidative stress (from, well, stress and smoking among other things). 

I spend close to nothing on mani-pedis and hair, so that I can afford my monthly massage (which is way more important to me cos without it I start aching like mad!).

Food rescue provides a large portion of my meals, so I can afford to get a catering service twice a week with regular "home-cooked" style meals too. On the one hand it's a bit more expensive but it means I don't have to worry about procuring food from the shops. But just in case, I order frozen veggies and mushrooms in 1kg bags for emergencies. Again this means it's cheaper than running off to the shops and getting them fresh. Not to mention it saves time. Plus I might not be able to get the vegetables I want. (And I also want to support the guy who runs the catering service cos he's a small one man show too!)

(these days this is how we get our food!)

I enjoy shopping and having new clothes / shoes (LOL, as you all know) but with the discount apps and online sources I can still treat myself regularly without spending too much money ($5 for a full-length skirt what???)

I don't want to contribute to too much to waste, so I've found lots of avenues for donating old stuff - from household items to clothes to yes, even food that we don't/can't finish. 

I want to study and learn stuff, and I use my online screen time for that, as well as blogging and necessities like paying bills or renewing permits and insurance policies. But at the same time I also want to just relax and chill out with TV shows and movies. So I often think about balancing play time with work time on the computer too. 

Before the pandemic there was the balancing of my social (and work) life. Time with the folks (now just mum), vs time with BIKSS, vs time with my own friends - and also time to myself (including chill out and exercise time). Work is pretty fixed so it's not like I can change that too much. Altho I do have a say in whether I want to sign up for another course (which counts as work, I suppose) and how much time I want to dedicate to that. 

These days I don't have to think of that many aspects. I'm mostly stuck at home because of the pandemic. I go to work cos that's fixed hours. Piano is a touch and go thing, it kinda depends on restrictions and whether the kids and their parents feel comfortable coming to class. Or whether *I* do. 

But with BIKSS, since we can't eat out anymore, these days it's more of "Do we go exercise tog?" vs sneaking into the room and getting some sexy-time! 

What about you? Do you ever think about how you balance things in your life? 

My mood pic today ~

Not All Men

Interesting read - 

This Oppression Scholar Explained The Psychology Of ‘Not All Men,’ And It’s So Articulate That Men In The Comments Are Thanking Her

Highlights - 

Intro - 

At some point, you've probably heard the phrase, "not all men" being used as a rebuttal to conversations addressing feminism, misogyny, and sexism. And it can get incredibly frustrating and derail the conversation when you try to explain why it's harmful.

3 points - 

In her TikTok, Evelyn talked about the following three sources:

1) The male "pick me" behavior: By this, she means a mentality of, “I’m not one of them; I’m one of the good guys.”

However, Evelyn says that this mentality is a total delusion, because everyone in a patriarchy (regardless of gender identity) has internalized misogyny and sexism that require unlearning.

2) The need to control women’s voices: Evelyn points out that men who say "not all men" are tone-policing women rather than directing their energy toward men who are actively harming women.

3) The male superiority complex: Evelyn elaborates that a man might understand that other men out there may be "bad," and by saying "not all men," he's trying to communicate that he is not one of them and that he's therefore dependable, because he will protect women from male violence.

The problem, Evelyn explains, is that this instills a fear of independence in women, because it implies that the real solution to male violence is another man.

There's a lot more explanation of her view in the article itself.. and it makes for an interesting read. 

In conclusion - 

Overall, Evelyn hopes those who watch her video stay engaged and find ways to intervene when they witness hate. She began her channel to add to a world that values women for more than their bodies and reach Gen Z, but she's since noticed that many parents watch her videos. "So I think we all want the same thing: that the world be better for the next generation and the next," Evelyn concluded.

My mood pic today ~

X is not for Xpectations But It'll Have to Do

Sorry Morningstar, no clever X word here. I could have done something about X-rated... or X-rays... but I had this on my mind and wanted to put it on the blog. 

So, Xpectations it is. 

The one thing I hadn't expected when I got involved with BIKSS was how patient he his. And how important that is in a relationship. As I was reading at Becoming His Slut some time ago I came across a post that hit me on the head with this patience thing. 

Many a time (in the beginning anyway) when we would argue or when I got upset (cos you know, he got upset VERY infrequently) I always expected that this would be the day he decided enough was enough and he didn't need to put up with my crap anymore. 

Perhaps it was because the other men I had dated up to this point were all volatile sorts. One punched a wall. One punched (and smashed) a mirror. One got up and walked out during a pizza-on-the-sofa-watching-telly dinner. One ghosted me. One sunk into depression. All of them taught me that anything that happened was my fault. I was the trigger. I said something. I did something. I made them angry. I hurt them. 

BIKSS taught me that fault is irrelevant. That no matter what happens, Love is still present. The commitment to stick it out and work it thru. To solve the issue, to deal with the problem, to move past the hurt and anger. 

There was always an "after". And any argument or fight or upset feelings were merely temporary ... a break in our regular programming to be dealt with in order to get to that "after". 

And to do that, one had to wait it out, talk it out, think things thru. And for me, this meant taking the time to work out what's what in my brain until I'm able to convey all my feelings and thoughts in words. While I do this, BIKSS waits. He sits with me. He holds me. His calm, stable aura fills up the space we're occupying and envelopes my frantic emotions. 

He is the only person I have been with who has given me the one thing my personality needs in order for a relationship to work. Patience. 

When I'm stressing with work / family / worries, patience. 

When I'm running late cos of some last minute thing or other, patience.

When I'm in a mood and/or grouchy and/or under the weather, patience. 

When I'm pissed at him but can't explain why exactly, patience. 

When I do or say something that hurts him / pisses him off, patience (to let me explain myself). 

When I ramble on about something that I know is totally irrelavent to him but I'm excited about and can't stop myself from going on and on about... patience. 

There are a million other examples where so many times, I realise, we could have ended up in huge fights or worse, but we didn't because of that one rare quality that he has in abundance. 

Patience. 

AND NO ONE (when I was growing up, at least) thought to hint at this being an expectation or a "what to look for" trait in a future partner. 

When we were in school it was always the same for a lot of us - What do you look for in a guy? 

- sense of humour, 

- loyal, 

- responsible, 

- wants kids

- gets along well with my family

- financially independent / stable

- hardworking 

- optimistic

- smart, well educated (not necessarily the same thing too!)

No one said "patience" and no adult around me who heard us thought to interrupt and suggest it either. 

Perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort on wasted relationships if it had just occurred to me sooner. 

Who knows what my life would have looked like if my expectations had been different. 

One thing's for sure, I didn't expect BIKSS. 

But I'm glad he's still here. 

Today's post was brought to you by the letter E pretending to be the letter X

(click the pic above to find out more about the A-Z Blogging Challenge)

Old Friends and New

As I was reading through some of my old posts and comments, reminiscing, I suppose, I came across a comment that June (of Ward & June) left one one of my posts, Secretes of the Sub Sisterhood mentioning that she had added the link to her favourite posts page on her own blog. 

If you've read there before you might have seen it already. But for some reason I only saw it for the first time today. 

So if you're interested in what some of their favourite posts were around blogland, have a look at THIS PAGE which contains a short description and links to the actual posts. Mind you this was a long time ago, in blogland terms anyway, so some of the links might not take you anywhere at all. But it's worth checking out, especially if you're new to DD / Ds / TTWD etc. 

And I just wanted to take the time to say how much I appreciate my early blogging friends, Conina, Kitty, Faerie, who were the first few to reach out and say "you're not alone and you're not weird"... 

Also, Emen, Bas, Jake, Spanky (and the CWS members) , Del Fonte, Geekie Kitty, Master's Piece, Aisha, Renee Rose, SNP, Ami, Dragon's Rose, and slightly more recently, Lil, Pygar & Abby (I do miss you). 

I'm sure there are more but it would take too long to go thru all my comments and list them all! Because yes, I have forgotten some of the names, but I will never forget that they all (like you) made me feel welcome at a time when I really needed to find some people who were like me. They uplifted, supported, encouraged, challenged, and celebrated me and each other. And I am so glad that the same spirit continues on in blogland today, even tho' individual bloggers may come and go. 

(Some of you are still here  - or I've recently found you again *looks at Bleue and DV* - so I shan't add you to that list! LOL)

Thank you for being my people!

My mood pic today ~

Pleasantly Surprised

Females. Girls. Women. We might be living in the safest, most modern of cities, it could be night or day, there may be a crowd or it could be secluded. But one thing is pretty universal - no matter how old or young we are, wherever we are, if there's a dude just loitering by his lonesome we walk a little farther away, we quicken our pace, we look down and pretend not to notice him. 

At least I do. It's the way things are over here. I mean if a guy is walking along, doing stuff, or standing by a bin having a smoke, or taking a breather with a drink in his hand / eating a sandwich,  I would probably just continue on as normal. I'm talking about the blokes who are just standing there in the middle of nowhere and seemingly not doing anything. Those I make it a point to steer clear of.

Which is why when BIKSS came to get me with a brolly, I walked hurriedly away instead of towards him.

Let me explain. 

He drove me to a friend's place for a pick up (I do that food rescue thing remember?) and the carpark is a slight distance away from her block of flats. There is another building that I need walk through to get to hers, and I thought it best to just zip in and out, while BIKSS waited in the car. It had been drizzling on and off all evening and he asked if  I would like him to do the pick up instead. I said no thanks, after all he had already taken the trouble to drive me over there. 

So he said ok, and that he'd wait in the carpark.

Off I went and got my things. As I was heading back to the car the rain had gotten heavier, but I didn't know this as I was under shelter. 

As I came out into the open area I saw a rather large-ish fella hanging around the walkway with an umbrella. It was dark but I could see the car so I made to dash as quickly as I could towards it, adjusting my route so that I walked on the farthest side of him as possible, given whatever space there was.

Only to be accosted by Daddy who had gotten out to wait for me with a brolly so that I wouldn't have to take the 10 steps to the car in the rain. It wasn't pouring mind you, and it was light enough that I wouldn't have used a brolly even if I had one on me. 

But here he was, ready to shelter me back to the car cos it had started to rain. 

And I thought that was the sweetest thing ever!

He, on the other hand, was baffled by my behaviour. He wondered why I was walking so quickly and where I going, cos I seem to have altered course! LOL. 

This led to a lively chat. About how as women we tend to adjust our walk to keep a "safer" distance from certain men, about how when we get into a lift it's reassuring if the lone fella in there takes a step away as if to say "Here, I'll give you more personal space", about how when a guy gets into a lift if we're there first, whether they might get offended if WE moved farther away from the door. And about how all these things aren't formally taught, but get passed down from one generation to the next.

And conversely, those who have NO manners at all and won't even budge when you get into the lift,  guy OR girl!

What do you think? Have you found yourself moving out of a guy's way, or if you're a guy, how have you felt when a woman moved farther away from you... did you feel offended?

I saw this on FB and thought it made a lot of sense. What do you think?

(And there is no mood pic today cos I'm being pensive and reflecting on what he ^ said.)