Dinner and When You Can't Have Sex 'Cos #Period

Now that I'm done with my A-Z challenge, it's back to regular posts from me. 

A week ago we went for dinner at a neighbourhood coffee shop. BIKSS was craving some Zhi Char (literally means 'cook fry') veggies, and we decided to head back to the cheap dim sum place we discovered a couple of months ago. 

We had stir fried sweet potato leaves (with a chilli + dried shrimp paste aka 'sambal') 

and some cream corn prawns - this one was new to me, according to the lady it's their special. 

I won't lie, it wasn't spectacular, but I love prawns *shrug* so as far as I was concerned, it was fantastic. 

Since we were there, we had dim sum too.

And then we went to buy some stuff and went home. 

And obviously *I* didn't get any sexy playtime... well, puss didn't. 

But I managed some bonding time with Roger. It went splendidly as usual... and then we cuddled. 

The fun part tho, is after. 

I believe it was getting close to the time that BIKSS should get going and as we cuddled his hands roamed over me. He got hold of a boob and stroked my nipple. I nuzzled into his neck. Encouraged, he found the other boob. 

"Mean Daddy" I said, because usually he'll leave me alone after a quick fondle when I'm on my period and unable to fuck, 'cos getting me hot and bothered would be mean. And he's not usually mean. 

"Mm hmmm. I am," he replied. 

Eh? That's NOT the right answer, I thought to myself as he went back to twiddling the first nipple. I inadvertently let out a moan and that was the end of that. 

According to him (he told me later on), Roger got all excited when I made those groany moany sounds, and he decided that if he couldn't play in my pussy, well then, he could just play in my mouth.

"Cos why not? I own it after all; it's mine, you're mine."

Ugh. Great. 

So he did - knelt over me and fucked my mouth till the tears dropped from the sides of my eyes just as his cum slid down my throat. 

And for some reason the submission quotient was really high and suddenly I just knew I needed some serious aftercare. Even saying it now sounds weird to me, given there was no pinching, no choking, no spanking, no pain - NO PAIN AT ALL! ... all the things that normally send me into subby subby land. 

BIKSS held me tight and I clung to him in a way I think neither of us was expecting me to. He's good at sensing these things, thank goodness, and kissed my head and stroked my hair and whispered all the good girls I needed to hear. 

It's strange that something so seemingly 'mild' could trigger such strong feelings of submission. It was surprising and unexpected, but it did leave a smile on my face as I drifted off to sleep that night. 

My mood pic today ~ 

Feeding (and getting) Dominance through Submission

First some facts - 

1) Orgasm denial is NOT a thing we do. BIKSS is always happy for me to climax, either with him, or on my own. 

2) To do this, I employ a vibrator because that's just the way I roll. 

3) The more regularly I cum, the more difficult it is for me to have the next one. And this isn't just about having multiple cums on the same day, or during the same session. In my experience, it's a whole lot easier to have a cum if I haven't had one in the last couple of days. Daily orgasms only ensure more tired muscles and taking a longer time to achieve climax the next time I try. 

And now to our story. 

Which begins when BIKSS was still on his worktrip. 

I had been feeling particularly horny, as I've mentioned in recent posts. And I think that's because it's the first week after my period which is always a horny time for me, in addition to having a lot less stress in terms of worry about the parents *AND* having made a decision to take a break from choir for a while. 

And we all know that when Fondles is stressed everything goes haywire. Libido included. So when the stress is lifted... it's all systems go! 

I shared some gifs with BIKSS on his second last day away, as I was being particularly playful. And I mean, teasing him is always good fun! 

Along my travels around the web I came across a bunch of "how to be a good submissive" type of articles and blogs. And that got me thinking about our own dynamic. I float in and out of submission - when everything is stable in my life, I crave more D/s. When things are crappy all thoughts of D/s are out the window. 

That I'm thinking about submission now is a good sign if I'm using that to measure my emotional and mental state. And boy did I feel like I needed him to be a Dom right now. 

For some, what I do might seem like topping from the bottom. But this sort of thing works for us because we're not quite a 24/7 TTWD couple. And I have loads to do on my own that BIKSS doesn't get involved with. So it's always useful for me to give him hints when I am able to handle a larger dose of Dominance. 

So what did I do? I sent him this.

Along with the words - my panties are wet. I had been stroking my clit thru my panties and it was getting me mega-ly turned on. 

And then I stupidly suggested that I would not have any more orgasms till I saw him on Monday.

He replies "Good idea. Wait till Monday." 

And of course that didn't stop me from continuing to touch myself, because, well, telling me to wait just made me hornier. But I didn't dare use the vibe, cos I was surely going to cum if I did. So fingers it is!

That rat! Hrmph. (I mean the sticker, not BIKSS!) And now whenever I'm feeling hot and bothered I'm supposed to touch myself more? I eventually got round to cleaning the house and then hopping into the shower. But I couldn't resist spraying my clit with delicious bursts of water from the shower head. I have been known to cum that way, so it was all I could do to stop myself whenever I got too close. 

Well. This is doing a marvelous job keeping me feeling submissive - and feeling owned. Especially since it's not a usual part of our dynamic. But then again, I *did* want more Dominance. 

Blindfold

Theere was no blindfold available so he improvised. 

Up came my t-shirt as he peeled it away from my body. I lifted myself as much as I could off the bed so he could pull it over the top of my head. Only he didn't. As my arms came up above my head he pulled the tee, encasing them, at the same time conveniently leaving my face covered in a cocoon made by an inside out night-shirt, left in that halfway place between on and off.

The spanking resumed, on the side of my breast, as his other hand pulled the nipple up making the flesh taught, giving better access.

He pinched. hard. twisting one way then the other. Both hands were busy with hurting my tits now, their having found their targets - one on each nipple.

He rubbed his cock against the outside of my sex, it was delicous. I ached for him to enter. But was certain it would not happen before he used my mouth.

Which I didn't have to wait long for. "Oh such a good girl... " he praised. "Daddy's little fuck holes, hmm? Just lie back and keep that mouth open for me. That's a good girl... "

I was panting. Moaning. Choking. Didn't even do me the courtesy of pulling the collar of the tee above my nose. Just my mouth. That's all he needed. I breathed hard. In part due to excitement, but also because, well, there was cloth covering my nostrils - held in place by my own head lying back on the pillow. 

He pulled his cock out of my mouth and slapped my breasts around a little more. "Towel?" he asked. Yes I said. (I'm at the tail end of my period.. and we like to be safe rather than messy!)

"Lift." I do. 

"Good girl." 

He gets between my legs and spreads them. My stomach is doing cartwheels in anticipation. Then he enters me. And he plunges and fucks my pussy, "Daddy's good little fuck toy... " 

I melt. And he cums inside his pussy. 

Spanking the Stress Away

*Long emo post advisory*

Last Saturday Daddy dropped a bomb on me that really doesn't involve me at all, except that I could be collateral damage. Well, ok, he insists I'm a pessimist. I prefer the term Realist. He didn't see at first that it could make any great deal of difference. But I did.

The news sorta got blurted out, and the timing couldn't have been worse. He had originally intended to let me know in person cos these sorts of things can hit me hard. It has to do with his family - which usually only serves to underscore the glaring reality that he has a whole other life that I have nothing to do with. A more important life. A part of his life that is way bigger than I am or ever will be. 

I can hear the tut tuts, and the admonishments of "but you knew what you were getting into". Yeah I know, I know. Are you done? 

Right. Can I go on now? 

Anyway, my stomach had been gassy all Saturday morning as it was. When I got the news dumped on me so unceremoniously like that it just about made me totally sick. There's a Chinese saying that the stomach is the second brain. I think it means that when one is stressed, the symptoms tend to appear in one's tummy. It certainly is that way for me. (I might have mentioned this in an earlier post too, when I was stressing out about the parental units.)

Saturday is probably the worst time for me to get upsetting BIKSS news. I wouldn't be seeing him all weekend (I usually don't) and I would have to wait for Monday evening to have anything resembling a discussion about it. 

I was still a bit messed up on Sunday morning, but modern medicine is a wonderful thing. And I even went on a blind date on Sunday evening (but that's not the important bit of this story... I'll write something about that later perhaps). 

Monday morning rolled around and my gut was still upset with me. But work is work and unless I'm dying I'll go in. I'm dedicated like that. 

He did take me to work but the short commute wasn't the right time or place to have a discussion of any sort. 

We had plans to meet after work to have dinner and spend some time together. [read: deal with this shit.]

We went to a nearby stop for a quick dinner then came back to my place. After a shower and crawling into bed, I told him everything I was feeling. Like EVERYTHING. In the past I used to shut down and hide and pretend nothing was wrong; that I had dealt with it cos Hey, I'm a big girl, and you don't owe me nothing. 

PK wrote about how she retreats within her head and doesn't make her needs known to Nick. I'm quoting the bit I love best here :

I don’t scream and yell, I don’t curse and throw things. I slip away so quietly and so undetected that I’m sure he rarely knows I’m doing it. I don’t pout, I don’t give him the silent treatment, but I rarely start conversations. I don’t even give him dirty looks or eye rolls. I just go way where nothing he says or does affects me. It’s the ‘sure, fine, whatever’ mode. This may not seem so horrible, but it can seriously damage a relationship.

Sometime I wish he noticed. Sometimes I wish he’d call me on it. Sometimes I wish he’d give me a hard, serious spanking to snap me out of it. And if he doesn’t think I’m truly ‘back’ when he’s finished, I wish he would spank me again. Sometimes.

Other time I’m glad he doesn’t notice.

Boy, I can hear Nick’s thoughts on this. “Let me get this straight, I don’t know when you’re even doing this, but I’m supposed to recognize when it happens – even though you’re giving me no hints at all. But if I think it’s happening I should bust your ass, unless it’s one of the times you really don’t want me to notice, and then I should just leave you alone. Is that about it?”

Ok, sorry for borrowing that whole chunk, PK. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is essentially what I used to do all the time. And it's easy to slip back into it. I've done it all my life, you know? 

But back to Monday night. So I let it all out. I figure (with that timely reminder from PK/ Cassie) I should just tell him. Pretending to be clever and grown up and all that isn't going to work. I've been sick to my stomach for three days now. And if I didn't let it out goodness knows what kind of wreck I'd be by the end of the week, never mind anything further along than that!

We talked and I cried and I wailed and he seemed defeated and exasperated and annoyed(?) at some points, I was resigned, and disheartened, he was optimistic and encouraging... we pretty much went through a whole bunch of adjectives that night, and I was stressing so badly I hauled him out of bed and headed to the kitchen for a ciggie at my smoking corner. 

(Long time readers will know BIKSS is not a fan of me smoking, and when I'm with him I don't. Not unless I'm feeling rebellious. Or on holiday. But tonight wasn't about rebellion. It was stress. Pure and simple.)

We came back into the room and continued. It took a couple of hours. But eventually I told him what I needed. I needed assurances. I needed to know he didn't treat me like an afterthought. I needed to know that he would acknowledge there will (fine, MIGHT - he insists it's MIGHT and not WILL) be changes and he would do his darnedest to work around them. 

And finally I got what I needed. I needed to hear those words from him. (Hopefully, in the future BEFORE I start spiralling.)

I told him that it's horrible having these spirals because resolving them always takes time away from our spanking-n-sex sessions. 

He replied we could still get one in if I turned over now. 

I did. He spanked. And I started sniffing. And the tears came. And he felt me clench (my fist, not my butt cheeks cos that actually makes the spanking hurt more!) and shift and rub my face against his arm. 

(BIKSS spanks holding me like this only I'm facing down)

He stopped for a bit. To whisper gentle shushes.. said 'little girl' a couple of times. It wasn't a question; didn't need a response. Just a statement of fact. "Little girl." 

I sniffed. He continued to spank me. I held on to him tight. 

"We'll be ok.. hm?" 

I nodded. He rubbed my bum. It hurt. More than usual. 

When my breathing slowed some, he started spanking again. Multiple smacks in the same spot. Then same on the other cheek. This was a lot for BIKSS. Most of the time I feel I'm not getting spanked enough! 

Yet this evening twice when I thought he was done - and I was happy for him to be - he wasn't. 

As I recall I'd only ever been spanked to tears ONCE.  But later on BIKSS said I have in fact shed tears while being spanked before. A number of times too.

"When?"

"When? Those times when I spanked you but didn't automatically reach between your legs to check how wet you are."

(But most of our spankings are fun sex spankings right?)

"So even if you start out with the intention of spank-for-sex fun and I end up getting emotional in my head and start tearing, you know?"

"Yes. I can hear you ... and your reaction is different, your body tenses up. You grip my arm, your hands clench; the way you breathe and move... I can tell.  

I suppose he should be able to by now, I mean he's been spanking me for a while now eh? 

And I don't even remember that I've cried at other spankings before. Who knew! (Oh, him apparently.) 

(Because I love unicorns right?)

It felt good. Release. Relief. Refreshed. Reconnected. Getting it all out and not having to push it down and keep it in my belly. 

He did reach down to put his finger(s) in me. I asked if I was wet. Very, was his reply. 

He instructed me to move against his fingers. I moaned as I did what he asked. He had me put Roger in my mouth. He gripped my hair to bounce MY head up and down over his 'head'. Strange thing - when he does this he's usually watching me. He didn't today. I shifted my gaze up to look at him and he had his eyes closed, head facing upwards. Pleasure. It was the look of pleasure. 

And it was his turn to moan. A pinched nipple, a forced shove to the back of my throat. Held there. I was gagging. 

I was his. Still his. Despite all that crazy that was going on inside my head. He flipped me over and entered me. And I held on to his back, my mouth searched for that special place at his neck. His mouth and tongue found my nipples - one then the other. And he came. 

If the spanking was a letting go, then what followed after was a reclamation. I felt like I belonged again. I wasn't floundering anymore - the way I had been for the last three days, trying to solve and sort on my own. 

My tummy does feel better now. Hopefully the rest of the week goes smoothly and any spankings we partake in will be of the fun kind.

Post Shower

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More Words

"Now *THIS* is restoring the balance. My girl in my arms."

- said after we'd been spooning the other way and as we turned back to our normal me-wrapped-in-his-arms position.

"Is this your recipe for reclaiming your sub?"

"I didn't know I'd lost her..."

(/grins)

- said after I'd been spanked, had my nipples tweaked, and been kissed to breathlessness with his hand wrapped around my throat.

"Assume the position." 

- said just before a spanking session. (I bet you ALL knew that was coming!)

"All I did was pull your hair back." 

- said after releasing his hold on my hair, in amusement, noting my arousal at being held in that manner. *mutter mutter* ... in my defence, what's a girl to do when her Master's got her head facing upwards at him because he's got his hand tangled in her locks, and teasing her lips with his tongue, their faces merely millimeters away from each other?!?

NOT a dormouse - a desert pygmy mouse! 

"What happened to the foreplay? You know, where you get me all wet first?"
"What foreplay? You'll be wet soon enough."

-said after I had just finished wiping up my ladybits (telling you why would be TMI)! I was dry as dust (or as a dormouse in the Mojave desert *grin*)! Oh, but when you put it THAT way, um, yeah, the juices did start flowing. Particularly easy too when you consider he was kneeling between my legs and had reached forward to grab my hips and yank me closer so Roger could slap down on my pussy. Um, definitely, yeah.

Just the right shade of Evil, my Master.

A Spank is a Spank, to be Quite Frank

In the past I would make a fuss. Ask BIKSS why he was spanking me. I'd need to know what the purpose of a spanking was. Maintenance? Affirmation? Stress-Relief? 

Now that we've been at this almost a year ( I know, can you believe it??) I've given up trying to decipher between the different types. It's not important. Yes that's right, I have decided that I don't need to know.

Sure, as I commented on June's and Ward's Blog, the emotions associated with each one are different, but in the end there is only ONE reason BIKSS spanks me - because he can. Um, I mean, because I'm his. Yeah, that's right. *Chuckle*

You see, in the first place, if things weren't all right with us, there would be TALKING (and crying, and wailing, and some silence, and maybe exasperation on his part) not spanking. He wouldn't spank me if he were upset with me. Which means I'd have to be a good girl for a spanking to be taking place. That means it's going to always  be a Good Girl spanking. 

Now when I'm getting spanked, Roger's always up and ready for some action. So that's some Sensual / Kink going on right there. Plus BIKSS (and Roger) knows he can always put me over his knee because I'm a spanko, and oh yeah, he calls the shots. So that counts also as Role Affirmation. 

But just because I like being spanked doesn't mean it don't hurt. It does. And that's part of why I like being spanked. I enjoy the intense feeling of submission that enduring a spanking brings. It makes me feel owned, cared for, and worthy of his ministrations. That in turn drives home the idea that I need to continue being a good girl - which makes it Maintenance in the end. 

Needless to say, since I'm always happier after a spanking, I can attest to its usefulness as a Stress-Reliever too. I'm Centered and Grounded after having had my butt seen to. Because often this means that he's also seen to the parts of me that need cuddling, stroking, holding and reassurance. It's kinda like a package deal. 

And so, while each spanking may be a little different in the emotions that are flowing through both of us at the time, in the end I can safely say that I have gotten past my need for identifying and labeling them because the fact is he spanks me because I am his. That's it. Plain and simple. 

A spank is a spank. And to be quite frank.

I don't really care why and how.

All that I know, is it goes to show

He loves me even if I'm being a cow!

I Am Bound

by your restraints... I feel them on my wrists,
I do not have to push against them, yet I know they keep me in place

by your commands... I hear them whispered so calmly into the side of my face,
I barely hear you, yet I have already complied before the words are spoken

by your gaze... I remain fixed to this spot, or perhaps you will move me,
I see you pointing with your eyes, yet when you tilt your head I have already shifted in anticipation

In the end I am bound by nothing else except your desire.

It is intangible, unheard, imperceptible.

But it is all that you need, for I am bound, to you.

Long-Distance Love Affair Part II

Remember how BIKSS is out of town? 

Yeah yeah, I haven't been able to talk about ANYTHING else... 

So anyway, last night as I came into the room after a shower I got a text from him. 

I told him I was draped in nothing but a towel and sent him a pic (Whatsapp is my new best friend).

Here are some of the things he texted me as my night unfolded... you'll just imagine what I was doing and what pics / videos I sent... won't you?  Enjoy!

Strip

I want to see YOU

I want to see what's Mine 

You're not done... show my what I want to eat... 

Lie down on your bed and spread your legs for me

Slip a finger in... I want to see you wet...

Spread your lips

Show me how ready you can get for me

That's MY pussy, MINE

Good girl

Are you getting wet?

Would you like MY finger in you?

Touching your pussy walls, my face close to yours, my finger curled up to rub your soft flesh

Your body tight against mine

Slide your finger in and out of your pussy like I do

(I am)

Good

My girl knows what I want

She knows how much I want my finger in her

My tongue on her nipple, my cock in her pussy

(Oh I want Roger too!)

And you will have him

(when you come home?)

Yes

(I can't wait... oh wait, I can! Cos I'm a good girl.)

Yes you are

(Master may I use my vibe?)

Yes you may

I want to hear you

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What followed was a Facetime session of video-chat-sex. 

And remember the third spanker he had in mind? He sent a pic, with the little music charms too - just for me. Isn't that sweet? (OK, enough kink... now show me the REAL presents!)

Reminder - You Belong to Me

I was prepared not to see BIKSS for 10 days more after I got home, since it's difficult for us to meet on the weekend (his family, my work) and he'd be leaving on Sunday morning for another week. Yes, his company's sending him for two week-long courses back to back. Sigh. Poor me.

So I was ecstatic when he texted me last night and said that we could go walking... in my head I was jumping up and down and clapping my hands. Only in real life I replied that I would be delighted and then tried to remain cool and calm as I carried on with my last lesson of the day. 

After our walk he came over and as I prepared the bedroom (shutting windows, turning on the aircon) he molested me, kissing, fondling and ignoring my protests that we should shower first. 

"We should have dirty sex," he growls into my ear.

Now, ordinarily I would disagree vehemently, grab two bath towels, and possibly run away from him and into the shower. OCPD remember? But I was so grateful for his being there with me that all I did was wriggle out of his arms, ask him to check that the main door was locked, and continued getting the room ready for 'dirty sex'. That meant we'd be OVER the covers and not under it. It would have to do - that's as much compromise as my neurotic brain could handle. 

I flopped face down onto my bed and he came back into the room. Shutting the door he mused, "Ah, she's ready for me."

I giggled and was a little worried that I wasn't wet enough, since no part of me tingled with the familiar stirrings that are my usual signals of being ready. You know the ones, the heavy breathing, the twisting in the tummy, the clenching of pussy muscles. 

He placed himself over me and inspected between my legs, proclaiming with satisfaction (?) that I was indeed ready for him to fuck me. Oh my. I'm a class A slut for him, I swear. He proceeded to enter me straightaway. That got my juices flowing for sure. It was so hot being "taken" so immediately. The slapping of my ass cheeks as he fucked me didn't exactly go unnoticed either. He might have found the perfect recipe for making me a happy sub. 

---------------------------

When we were done, we lay there for a bit, and then I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get clean, so I dragged him along with me to have a shower. Then we climbed back in UNDER the covers this time, and resumed our chatting and cuddling. 

He hinted that I would be giving him a blowjob later, but for now we would just talk and enjoy each other's company. Which was so perfect cos I had just finished massaging his leg (aching muscles) and he was being attentive to me by lightly scratching the small of my back. I LOVE THAT!

Soon we were spooning - a perfect position for him to twist and tease my nipples. I turned back to face him so we could kiss, and he asked me if I was ready. I made some positive sounding noises. 

"Are you ready for Roger? Go on down then."

I slid down and took his cock in my mouth. He grabbed my hair from time to time to control the depth of his plunging and the speed at which he fucked my face. 

"Will this help you remember you're mine for the next 10 days?"

I grunted something that I hoped would pass as a Yes.

"You know what will help you remember better? Get up. On your knees."

He got up too, and stood at the side of the bed. I was on all fours, my hands on the edge of the bed, and he continued to fuck my mouth while he held on to my hair. 

"That's it. That's my girl."

And then he spanked my bum as he fucked my mouth. 

And after he came and I released my hold on his cock to look up at him, he held my face in his hand and I basked in his approval.

---------------------------

Now this place that he'll be at in the coming week? There's a girl from his past that lives there. She used to work with his company but left some time back. And some of his colleagues are acquainted with her as well. 

I felt a little insecure about this so I teasingly asked if he was going to be sleeping with random girls while he was there... Yes, a different one every night, he replied. LOL 

OK, he knew what I meant, and I knew he was trying to tell me that I had nothing to worry about. 

Only we're not THAT hot, and I'm facing down, not sideways

"I'm just being silly," I whined into his tummy (I was crouched in the space between his legs and had my arms wrapped around and under him).

"No you're not. You know that we had a history, and you're just being cautious and there's nothing silly about that. It's perfectly understandable."

He also went on to tell me the last they had any contact was a text message 4 months ago about something else not "them"-related. But that since some of the people from the office also knew her, it is possible one of the others may contact her while they're there. And if she does meet them for a coffee or catch-up, he'll let me know. 

And that I could call him on face-time if I needed to talk to him "face to face" and that he'll text me every night at the very least, or call me, or I could call him. 

All in all, I think my (currently not-so-Evil) man did a splendid job in reminding me I am his, in reassuring me, and making me feel like I will survive the coming week. 

---------------------------

Oh, and I kept the tee shirt he was wearing last night, and sent him home in a fresh one. I totally intend to make a BIKSS pillow with the one he had on. Hey, if I can't have the man, I can at least have his scent for company.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back everybody! 

The flight was quick, I napped the whole time. 

The cab queue was short so I got home in a jiffy. 

But I'm missing him BADLY!!

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This is somewhat of a rushed post - cos I've gotta get ready to work (yes, I chose to fly back on the same day I have to work) but I didn't want to forget all the stuff in my head. 

If I let it out here, it means I can forget about some of it and clear up the RAM in my brain. 

I knew I was going to miss him terribly. And I think we BOTH wanted to make our last night together count. 

There was some good ol' spanking going on with his self-made porto-spanko. I lay over him in reverse cowgirl style, only my body was bent down onto the bed, and he took a video and wanted me to show you guys how red my bum got (this is rare let me tell you).

After that, as we lay enjoying each other's company, we ended up talking about some deeper stuff - why I am submissive. 

Our theory is this, and Aisha, this is probably up your alley so if you want to explore it some more I would be happy to chat with you. 

When I was young I was deathly afraid of abandonment. I had a recurring nightmare for 2 years - about 3-4 times a week. I would be on a hospital gurney and being wheeled away, down some sterile looking corridor in lime green, and knowing that I'd never see anybody I knew ever again. That feeling of not being able to control what was happening to me filled me with fear. It is this particular brand of "fear" that I will be referring to when I use this word in the rest of this post. 

Later on I experienced some sexual abuse (story for another day) but again the feeling of not being in control was all I could remember. 

I grew up to be a control freak. I had contingencies aplenty. And I would never be caught without an answer. I planned, and I plotted, and I prepared. For everything, in every aspect of my life. It is what makes me the awesome home-maker and teacher that I am. (Fact. Not arrogance.)

I told BIKSS that strangely enough before I left on this trip with him, I felt that familiar "fear" of being out of control. The same one that I woke up feeling in the middle of the night when I had those nightmares. 

And then I recognised it as the feeling I get when he is dominating me in bed - when his hand is around my neck, when I'm forced to spread my legs, when he hurts my nipples. Only it doesn't REGISTER as "fear" but as arousal. 

We talked and I concluded that it is perhaps my way of controlling that particular feeling. My inner psycho at some point decided that the way I would face it head on would be to associate that *negative* "fear" with a *positive* sexual arousal. In that way I am able to take it, turn it around, and make it mean something else entirely. 

Any thoughts?

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After talking about all that abuse stuff, he decided he would "illustrate" his points with some throat grabbing and forceful talk, all the while filling me with more and more heat! Then he plunged into me, with no ceremony, fucked me madly and came! I was Immensely Happy. 

I snuggled into him and we watched the rest of our movie. He was tender and loving and cuddled me close. And before going to bed I told him he needed to know 2 things. 

"1 - I am glad you're my Master. You're awesome at it."

"Whats 2?"

"2 is that I've always said I love you, but it's so disconnected. It's not meant to BE disconnected - it's actually,  I love you, BIKSS (I used his actual name here)."

He breathed deep, and as he exhaled he kissed my forehead *meaningfully* (yes you can FEEL THESE THINGS!) and said he loves me too. 

And then we slept. 

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Before he left for his class today he kissed me a million times as he walked past me (still in bed) gathering up his stuff for the day. 

And on his final pass he leaned over - I had kicked the covers off cos it was getting too warm - and he smacked me 10 times on each cheek. 

"What was that for?" I smiled as I asked him.

"To remind you that you're mine." And I got one last lingering kiss before he left. 

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When I got to the airport I received this on my phone, along with an I Love You - he can be such a teenager in love! (There were other emoticons but I'll spare him heehee.)

And I have to say a special THANK YOU to SirQsMLB for keeping me company via chat this morning when I was at the airport - I was missing BIKSS so terribly but he was in class and I didn't want to disturb him too much. It was a welcome distraction, so thank you Fiona!

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Here are some pics from the trip - I thought I'd share them with you since I have some time (and a proper internet connection) now.

See the Rain Shower?

A local stall-holder keeping his hair dry from the drizzle

Got this on the way to the airport

Delicious King-Size Bed to roll around in

Master's lap on the plane

Our First Sleep

But before that, all the stuff that led to it. 

When we left you last night, BIKSS was telling you about going out to dinner. We had just gotten back to our room and I was ironing his clothes for today. I think it's hard for him to just sit back and enjoy having me do stuff for him. I detect a faint embarrassment every time I ask him if he'd like a drink - coffee or tea - and he says yes. There is something to be said for a man who allows you to serve him even though he is unused to it, just because he knows you want nothing else more than that. 

So he called me over to him where he wanted to show me a video on his laptop. The armchair wasn't big enough for both of us so I cuddled up on the floor next to him and leaned my head against his side as I watched. When the videos were done I knelt up and kissed him. He chucked the lappy onto the coffee table and freed up both hands - one to hold my face, the other to caress my bottom where he held me in a one-arm hug. 

It was beautiful - meaningful, passionate and earnest. As we kissed he fondled me, pinching and tweaking my nipples, causing the straps of my dress to fall off my shoulders, exposing my breasts to him. We broke for him to whisper to me that I should get around to the front. As I moved into position he lifted himself partially off the seat to undo his jeans and pull them off along with his underwear. I got them the rest of the way off and came to kneel between his knees. He leaned back and watched as I took Roger in my mouth and began sucking him with gusto. I didn't waste any time teasing and touching, I impaled myself on his cock straightaway. 

After just a minute or two he gently moved my head away from his crotch and leaned to the side, reaching into his duffel for the clips he'd brought along. He gently placed one on my left nipple, allowing me time to adjust to the closing clip, and when it looked like I was coping with it he repeated the process with the other nipple. 

I was breathing deeply, trying to accept the pain that he had applied via those clips. After some time it seemed more bearable and while I could still feel them distinctly biting down, it wasn't too excruciating. I continued with my task. 

Only as soon as I brought my head down on his shaft the realisation hit me that this was going to be much harder than I thought. For every time I leaned forward, the handle of the clips bumped against his inner thighs, causing a fresh wave of pain on my nipples.. And there was no way I could give him a blowjob properly without inflicting pain on myself. It was as if my brain was short-circuited at that point. I had to continue - this was not negotiable. I was meant to finish giving him that blowjob. But it came with a conscious knowledge that I must suffer this pain in order to do so. Babes, let me tell you, I was in sub heaven. There is nothing quite like the knowledge and acceptance of suffering a self-inflicted pain to service one's Master.

He hadn't planned for this, it seems, but was pleasantly surprised that such an outcome had presented itself.

He raised his arms and laced his fingers behind his head as he watched me struggle those first moments when  it dawned on him, and me, what I was in for. I looked up at him and forged on. Every stroke on his cock I made with my mouth left a jolt of pain on my breasts; each time I breathed and moaned over his shaft my sounds were a testament to my endurance. 

He had reached the point where he was ready to orgasm into my mouth, as he usually does... he guided me with his hands on either side of my face, sometimes moving to hold on to my ponytail handle, continuously bringing my head up and down over his length as he prepared to cum. The whines that were coming from my throat were a combination of expressing my desire for him to use me and protesting against my hurting nipples, which were now rhythmically bumping up against him, quicker and quicker, the lapse between each moment of contact growing ever shorter, thereby heightening the pain. 

He came in spurts down my throat and allowed me some reprieve from my torture. After he was sated he leaned forward and kissed me, then as he reached for the clips he asked me if I was ready to have them taken off. I nodded and he removed them as gently as he could. The blood rushing into my nipples was a pain I welcomed, knowing it signaled the end of that episode. He massaged my breasts and rubbed my nipples gently, kneading them back to normalcy. 

I leaned on his thigh and basked in his approval, he stroked my face as he asked "Who's my good girl?" 

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We hopped into bed after we both spent TOO much time under the rain-shower. While in there, he hugged me, and I held on to him, enjoying the hot water cascading over our backs. I knelt and worshipped Roger a little before we eventually toweled off and called it a night. 

He had his laptop propped up on his lap, defying gravity as he bent his knees and held on to the top of the monitor with his hand. I don't know how he can be comfortable in what looked like such an awkward position to me, but realised that was a sight I don't normally get to see. 

I looked over at the screen with half-interest, choosing instead to concentrate on how it felt to snuggle up beside him. He put away the lappy when he was done and paid some attention to my tits, now hiding under a black lace camisole.

"What shall we do now?" I asked.

"Now I fuck you", he replied. 

My breath caught in my throat. "I don't think I'm wet enough yet", I confessed.

"You will be soon enough", he whispered into my ear. 

The fondling and kissing continued as he moved one hand to my pussy. I couldn't help but moan when his fingers floated over my thong, stroking my clit as they did. He positioned one leg between his two, holding me spread open and proceeded to push the fabric of my tiny underwear to the side, exposing my girly bits. 

"Do you like it when I touch you? How does it make you feel?"

I answered him with my moans, but he was not having any of that. 

"Answer me. Do you like it when I do this?"

A breathy "Yes" escaped my lips.

"How does it feel? Hm?"

"It feels good... ahhh feels so good." I was wriggling about under him now. And feeling myself getting soaked at being made to answer him. 

He dipped into my pussy to wet his finger a little more then came back up and touched my clit ever so lightly. 

"I want you to move against me, push up against my finger. That's it, good girl..."

I was practically cumming in my brain! That felt so good, it made me feel so submissive, so owned. I complied, lifting my hips to meet his finger, grinding my clit against him like a wanton slut. And happy to do so at his command. 

He made sure I was good and juiced up before teasing me with a finger, then two, inside my cunt. I removed my panties as he began to climb on top of me. 

At this point he said something like "see how wet you are now? " but I can't exactly recall because everything in my mind had shut off and all I could think of was wanting his cock inside my pussy. I began to make the noises I am wont to  make while he fucks me, but was forbidden from doing so.

"Not a sound!" he commanded as he pointedly thrust deep into me, making me bite my lip and pant from trying to hold on to the moans threatening to rise up from my throat. I think a whimper or two might have succeeded in escaping, whereupon I got a reminder to keep quiet, his thrusts, deep and sudden, punctuating his words. 

I caved and tried to bring a pillow over my face, struggling with the weight of it in the process. (The hotel pillows are HEAVY!) He helped me drag one out from under me and announced that if I must scream, I should do it into the pillow. I hid under it for a few moments and enjoyed the luxury of letting my cries of pleasure out, but abandoned it again, choosing instead to obey his command to be quiet so that I could look up into his eyes as he pumped himself into me. 

The connection was intense, knowing I must do as he instructed, feeling his cock plunging into my pussy, seeing he was reaching his climax. We were looking into each others' eyes when he gave in to his release. 

He rolled off as I rolled over to grab some tissues to wipe ourselves up. Then I snuggled into the space formed by his torso and his outstretched arm, wrapping my legs around his, as he kissed me good night and said "I love you". 

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We slept in a flurry of tangled arms and legs all night. I know I woke up 2 or 3 times, once to go to the loo, and the other times cos it got too hot or too cold. And each time I came awake, BIKSS was there, holding on to me in some way. I declare our first sleep a success! :)

Oh, and of course, his 7 alarms woke me up this morning too, so we had some morning sex before he had to get up and go. And I rolled over and went back to bed.