With mum's condition getting worse over the last few months, I found myself functioning at higher and higher levels of stress. Only, I didn't know until yesterday.
And today it became apparent that I'm perpetually at "high alert" cos the minute I hear her voice (when we're in different parts of the house) I immediately get into this "ready-get-set-go" mode.
I don't really know how to explain it eloquently, but it was the same with the father. With each extra thing that required more care (read: coaxing, cajoling, scolding, bargaining... ) my idea of "normal" got pushed farther and farther away from my ACTUAL normal.
Yesterday mum was very obliging.
"Would you like to have dinner now?"
"Okay."
"Porridge? Want me to feed you?"
"Yes. Ok."
"Porridge? Want me to feed you?"
"Yes. Ok."
"Shall we just take meds now so that you don't have to get up again later?"
"Yeah."
"OK, all done. That's it. Can we go get your dentures out?"
"I haven't had dinner... "
"Yes you have, I fed you. Remember?"
"Oh I have? Ok."
"Oh I have? Ok."
This is not how it used to look. Suddenly I felt very strange. And I remembered a time many months ago when conversations used to be this easy.
In the meantime my left knee has been acting up and it's hurting like a biatch today.
I wonder if it's all that sugar causing some extra inflammation. But then, considering my cortisol levels must have been thru the roof, it's no wonder I've been craving the carbs!
Let's hope with the fish oils and the back-to-regular eating this pain will go away soon.
My mood pic today ~
(Axolotl Salamander)
That response to a voice when stressed is something I definitely recall from my own situation. It can drain the energy out of you over time. But.....changing the subject......I love the salamander.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it cute? Also, I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this or a similar situation will understand the feeling of "always waiting for something to happen" that has consumed my entire existence.
DeleteHi Fondles,
ReplyDeleteI feel so much for you. Caring for your mum must be so hard. You are such a wonderful, loving daughter and she is blessed to have you in her corner.
Hang in there. I really hope the pain eases soon.
Hugs
Roz
I hope I don't run out of "point". As in, reach a place where all I can do is give up and say "What's the point?".
DeleteI'm not even sure how to begin to imagine how that mood pic feels!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, sunshine!
In the deep, looking like a freak, but smiling nonetheless.
DeleteDear Fondles,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending lots of love...
💜
Thank you love.
DeleteI remember similar times. Day by day is all I can say.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how to translate your mood picture.
Best,
Enzo
PS Feel free to delete this PS and any repetitive comments here and on other posts. I'm not sure if any of my prior post comments have gone through or not. Every time I hit publish I get a Blogger error.
See above for translation of mood pic. Also, this is the only copy of your comment I received so perhaps the Blogger error you received was genuine. I did not get multiple posts from you.
Delete