Falling Apart

*This is mostly a rant, so if you're looking for some of the hot lusty sex or cute poetry or heartfelt declarations of love that happen here, you might want to skip this post and come back next week.*

It feels like that at the moment. 

No there's nothing wrong with me and BIKSS, except if I take a step back and look at us, then yes, everything was wrong to start with. But that's not what this is about.

We went through a situation on Wednesday night. We talked, and he reassured me that things would change. Well, ok, *I* talked (while he was lying under me as I gave him a massage which I was unwittingly tricked into offering in the first place) and he finally gave in saw where I was coming from. 

The sex that followed was good, as usual. Only, my brain was so backlogged with worry and stress and anxiety that at the end of it all I lay there with tears streaming out of my eyes. Not because of anything in particular, but because at that moment it just needed to come out. 

The wrap up to that is I'll have to wait and see and hope and trust that things will be better. Meanwhile I won't see him till next Monday so I'm going to be cranky in the meantime. 

On the work front I'm in the process of checking out other options. I'm thinking a move might be in order, but I'll have to see if the alternative is more viable than my current situation. I intend to bring a new program to this new school I have in mind, but I will need to get in touch with my contact who is out of town at the moment. I also know she is waiting for a decision to be made at an upcoming meeting in November which will tell us if we can move forward on using the program in another school than the one it is currently being run in without getting hauled into court.

This is further complicated by recent news that the family might come to a decision involving getting a live-in helper for my parents. They're in their twilight years, and not in the best of health. They alternate between my brother's place and mine. It would definitely be beneficial for them to have someone to help them get around and mind them when they're about. I would feel better (so would my siblings I'm sure), and worry less, knowing there was someone to check that taps are turned off and pots aren't left forgotten on the stove. 

The cost is an issue tho, and I would have to then arrange for them, together with the helper, to move in here  a little bit more permanently rather than continue this to and fro between our two houses as my brother's abode can't accommodate another person. (And it wouldn't make any sense to have the helper over here if they're over there, now, would it?)

Decisions, decisions, the worst of it is that I can't make any now. I don't have the necessary information to make a choice. 

Will moving to a new school mean a pay cut? But will it satisfy some of my other wants? Is it a worthwhile trade off? Would I do it if I didn't have to consider this possible new expense? If we go ahead with this plan, how will we divide the cost of employing this helper? Can we afford it? Is it necessary? Are there any downsides? 

Yes I feel as if I am falling apart. Crumbling. Giving way at the seams. 

Can I do anything about it? Can I fix it? Can I control it? Yes. Eventually. I will need time to organise a phone call, then a meeting. I will need to get in touch with the program developer to work out the details, but we would still have to wait till Novemeber before moving forward. 

I'll need time to sort through the government channels to find out what the procedure and administration costs are for hiring a live-in helper and work out the logistics of it all - we also want to take advantage of a concessionary rate for such an arrangement which means more paperwork to plow through. 

I hate waiting. I hate not being able to control the things around me. What's worse is that every decision I will have to make in the coming weeks will directly affect each decision that follows. 

I am tempted to crawl into bed and not come out. I am tempted to give up trying and not be arsed about it all. Everything. Everyone. 

I want to let myself fall apart. But I know I won't. I'm not strong enough to stop caring.

Yes, I'm unravelling... and not in a good way.