Am I Sorry?

For some reason, Kitty's posts always get me started on a thinking trail... dangerous, I know. But here it is. You should know, I'm going off on a tangent here, so please don't think it's the same topic. It's just that after reading her post, I started writing a comment, then realised it was getting too long and rambling, so I decided to get my own post going. 

Ahem. Which is to say, I could afford MORE thinking...

I used to say sorry a lot - apologising for being who and what I am - which is something BIKSS has taught me to stop doing. 

These days, when I feel like I'm about to say I'm sorry, I stop and think about it for a bit, and often I find that although I may be feeling poorly, uneasy, inadequate, like a freak, or a whole host of other things,  I shouldn't be "sorry" for any of those feelings. 

Remember my picture post ?

Somewhere in between as we were cuddling (I think it was after the blowjob) I suddenly felt really awful about needing a vibe to have an orgasm. 

(Yes, I know, it's silly, and it isn't my fault, and I have nothing to be sorry for that I'm built the way I am.)

If you recall he was torturing me with his fingers moving every which way inside of me, so I told him as we were lying together that it felt incredible 'cos since I need extra help to cum, it's like being constantly on a high boil without actually spilling over.

I know his words were meant to be an encouragement, and not a criticism or anything more than a statement of fact, but when he kissed my forehead and said maybe one day we might be pleasantly surprised, I took it as a personal failing.

  

I lowered my head, burrowed my face into his chest and sobbed. As quietly as I could. For about 3 seconds. Then realising it was a futile endeavour, I told him as much as I came up for air. 

"I don't know why I try and hide my crying from you... it's not like you won't realise it at some point."

And then I proceeded to pour out all my feelings of inadequacy about not being able to cum the way some other girls do and needing to use a vibe etc.

He pointed out some things that made a lot of sense, in the general vicinity of how he recognises it's not a reflection of how I feel about him or our love-making, that he is a voyeur after all so watching me get off with a vibe is a heck of a turn on for him, and aren't we glad that there are vibrators to do the work and Hey, whaddaya know? We have some!! Also, that if it happens, then it's a bonus, but it's not something he needs to happen, that he's not disappointed in any way that I can't, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. 

OK, yeah, I know all this already. But hearing him say it all - well, it's just different. 

Oh, where was I? Yes. Coming back to the point - If it had been the old me, I'm certain my first words would have been "I'm Sorry I'm not built like other women," which really, wouldn't have been the truth. I'm not sorry. I'm disappointed by it, but not sorry. 

For a large part of my life I've been sorry, or said I was, for many things I really shouldn't have any reason to apologise for. But no more. 

Thank you, hun, for teaching me the difference, and showing me that I don't have to say I'm sorry for being me.