Can't Put My Finger On It

I woke up with the most awful back pain. 

I suspect it's a herniated disc - if it is, it'll take at least a month to slowly sort itself out, assuming it does, which I'm fairly positive it will.

Meantime I'm having to really concentrate on good posture, bending at the knee etc. And that's not the best thing for my aching knee - which started up about the time I was dealing with the post-renovation cleaning. But at least it's making the back pain more tolerable. And the knee has been feeling better some, so I suppose I'll live.

The folks descended on me at the last minute this afternoon, so I dug into my freezer and fried up some frozen spring rolls. The only thing is at one point I dropped one in (careless, I know) and there was some splattering and there was some scalding on the little finger side of my hand. Ouch. 

So far it hasn't been a fantastic day. 

But I kept on. I had to. What was I to do?

BIKSS was gonna drop by after catching up with some buddies. When he texted I had already set off to the store to pick up some groceries, thinking a light stroll would do me good (according to the websites anyway). We arranged to meet there and he arrived a little before me. He parked and walked out onto the road where I was coming from, and met me along the street. 

When I asked him why he didn't just wait for me all comfy in the car, he said "What? And have my girlfriend walk all alone in the dark?"

*Giggle* that was so sweet. Yes, I was walking, but I was MEANT to be walking! That was the whole point of the excursion. 

So we picked up what I needed and drove home, where I had a quick bite (dinner, of sorts) and a shower and then BIKSS had a turn in the bathroom and came to join me in bed. He had me roll over on my front so that he could give me a massage. 

Only I was distracted by Roger so I got to giving him a blowjob and since nothing was aching in the position I had assumed, I just carried on until he came and we went and rinsed off again.

We came back into the room and this time I made it to the bed, face down. It was uncomfortable at first so he stuffed a couple of pillows under my torso and I felt much better. Then he proceeded to massage my back - all the muscles that had begun to ache from being worked extra hard in compensating for the pain in my spine. And intermittently I would get some smacks on my butt cheeks too! 

When he was done we lay together and chatted and he dozed. 

I was SO contented. It was perfect. I sighed - inwardly AND audibly and told him I love him. And he woke up, turned his face to kiss me and said he loves me too. 

When it was time for him to get up and head home I kissed him awake and his hand reached down to Roger and he started masturbating. In the 6+ months that we'd been together this was the first time ever that I'd seen him touch himself... and I was more than happy to watch. I offered to put my mouth on Roger and he agreed to my suggestion. He jerked himself off into my mouth. I managed to get all of his cum, and no mess was made. 

I have officially made this the most efficient win-win non-penetrative way for him to cum for the following reasons:

1) he knows exactly where and how and in which way to pleasure himself

2) he still gets the awesome feeling of having his cock in my mouth

3) no one's hands get dirty and no cum gets away, rendering ANY clean-up unnecessary

4) I get my dose of yummy cum.

Ta-Da! 

I smiled and lay beside him, half of my body on his, and fingered the hair on his chest as I made my proclamation. I laughed and got to talking about how he seems to have no sexual inhibitions, as compared to me, and/or most women in general. 

Then he said something which explained why he thought this was so, but in saying so, alluded to his having been previously acquainted, though I'm assuming, not intimately familiar, with the Hitachi wand. 

And just like that the magic of tonight's intimacy was gone. It felt like I was jolted back to wherever it was that I had been before we met tonight. I don't know if it's reality, or if it's vanilladom, or what.

I feel cheated. I know it's silly. And my head is telling me to let it go and stop thinking about it. Cos it doesn't mean anything, and what's the big deal anyway. 

When I asked him how come he never mentioned this to me before, he said the time wasn't right. Huh? And what makes it the right time now? He doesn't know, he says, he just blurted it out. Ok - benefit of the doubt time: he might have just been blabbering on in a sleepy haze when in fact he hadn't planned on saying anything at all.  (Still doesn't make me feel any better.)

And in his defence, I guess I just automatically assumed that he'd never had any real life experience (even if it was just seeing it) with one. True, he never actually said he doesn't know what it looks like or has never seen one. But I find it strange that when we talked about it or someone mentioned it in a post, he chose not to share that he is familiar with it. And so I guess that's why I just thought that we were BOTH similarly unacquainted with said apparatus.

I feel like if I said something or made a big deal out of it tonight, I'd be made to feel as if I was the one who made the assumption and didn't ask so he didn't see a need to say anything. Which wouldn't make me feel any better either. 

I let it drop so that I wouldn't ruin the evening, and even managed to get across him for a quick spanking. As he was putting on his socks and shoes I needed to kneel so badly that even with my aching back I got down and put my arms around his waist for a few seconds, hoping to feel better. 

It helped some, but the bad feelings came back soon after. This is what I can't put my finger on - Why I feel so icky about the whole thing. [And it isn't even because there's any ex-girlfriend history-thing going on here. Let me just state clearly that there is no ex involved in this story at all.]

The only thing I can think of is I'm feeling disturbed by this incident 'cos I can't help but wonder what else he might have NOT said or shared, that I may be believing, erroneously, is a similarity between us, which in reality may not be the case at all. 

OK, there. I've let it out and now I can sleep. I know I should talk to BIKSS but he's not available right now and I just couldn't go to bed dealing with this AND a bad back. So I hope you'll forgive me for blurting it all here hun, but I really don't know what's gotten into me and why I'm feeling so out of sorts because of this thing.  :(