He Said, She Said

Get your vibe

He's my very own growly bear

Must I?

Yes.

Really?

Get it. Now.

*Shudder*

-------------

So how come you wanted me to get my vibe and buzz off earlier? It's not like I was particularly in the mood for a cum...

Because I wanted to watch you cum.

Even though I didn't feel particularly inclined to have one? You know, some days you just don't feel like it...

I can understand that. Some days it's like, oh, I can't be bothered. But yeah... I wanted to watch you cum. 

*Hrumph* (but secretly beaming inside!)

by Chet Carter: Cheeky Grin

NewsFlash - A Spatula Spanking

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you this newsflash:

Fondles' Bottom Brightened in Spanking Trial

In a delightful turn of events, it seems that Fondles and BIKSS not only sorted out their To Break Up or Not To Break Up mess over the weekend, but BIKSS is displaying a new-found clarity in the area of exploring their spanking limits. 

Perhaps the post that Fondles put up in the last 24 hours had something to do with it, but regardless of the reason, our little lady now sports an unmistakable spanking bruise on her left butt cheek. 

"It was from where the end of the spatula landed on her bum," BIKSS was proud to enlighten us when we asked him about this spanking frenzy he seems to have gotten into. 

According to our source, this was NOT the first spanking of the day either. During intercourse, merely a couple of hours before this exciting event, BIKSS had already landed 200 spanks on Fondles' upturned bum - a hundred on each side - and an additional 30 on each one after that "as incidentals", he calls it.  

Fondles reported that in a conversation prior to the afternoon's festivities, BIKSS zeroed in on the last line of her post - I see that it is his delivering one [a spanking] which is the reassurance I need of his commitment to being my Dom [verbatim], saying, to her delight, that he finally understood the reason for her desire to be spanked.

Clearly our hero has decided that if the lady wants reassurance of his commitment, then reassurance is what she'll get. Today's spanking is the first in a series of trials for this newly-enlightened Dom, but from the looks of it, I'm going to bet that it's here to stay!

When asked how she felt after the episode, Fondles had only good things to say, "It's like he finally gets how I feel about being spanked. In the past our spankings were always very mild. While they were immensely enjoyable, most of the ones we had didn't push me beyond my comfort zone, which is where I really needed him to go to feel his Dominance, I think. This is a good development for us."

Well, there you have it. It looks like our Fondles will have lots more occasion in the future to feel her Dom's hold over her - literally! As we understand it, in an unprecedented move, BIKSS held her cheeks together ("compressed" is the word he used) with one hand while raining down blows (recent reports put it at 80) across them both with the spatula in the other. 

Ouch! That's gotta hurt! 

Good girl, Fondles, as BIKSS proudly remarked : "[she] hardly squirmed even when I squeezed [her] butt cheeks together to try to increase the pain."

--------------  This is Sawyer B. Hyne reporting for Channel S News --------- 

Snippets - and Realisations

1) Reading Aisha's fantasy story had me thinking about whether I would agree to something like that in real life. The truth is that reading it turns me on. Like a LOT. But as I said to BIKSS earlier, it would never be a reality. 

Here's my side of the chat I had with him on Skype about this:

"In my eyes, you're at the top of the food chain, so if you let anyone else evaluate me, it means you don't think you are...  and i wont accept that logic... it would be flawed.

Cos in that case, I wouldn't be YOUR girl, I'd be HIS - 'cos my Dom is going to be the best one there is.

The only way you would ever have anyone else evaluate me, would be as a teaching method.

I get a real kick from "inspection" pictures 

So if you were showing a lesser dom than you, that would mean you'd be using me, not for your own pleasure, but as an apparatus and I know you wouldn't do that 'cos that's not all I am to you.

And if I may, I would be so bold as to say that you hold me in high enough regard to render me equal in status as you, despite the fact that I am your sub. 

Our Dom/sub relationship does not signify a higher or lower value or worth of each of the individuals in that relationship - but each one is a function - a  role, not a value."

I have to say, he was very pleased with my analysis of the entire situation, and wanted me to post my thoughts on this matter. So here they are.

2) I'm watching Season 5 of Castle and it occurs to me that BIKSS is my very own Richard Castle. He even looks like Nathan Fillion - a broad face, that floppy yet every-strand-in-place hair, and they're both a little on the thick side of the body-type spectrum. 

He'd been interested in Kate forever, but was content to remain in the friend zone 'cos he preferred to be her support rather than push her into becoming anything more (since she wasn't ready) and cause her even more emotional turmoil, especially since he knows the baggage she carries. In the end she realises how much she loves him and goes to him. About bluddy time too. I had to wait 4 seasons for them to hook up!

But that whole scenario sounds awfully familiar. 

3) I'm hoping that this last snippet helps to clear something up for those Hohs / Tops / Doms who still can't quite understand why we want you to spank us. 

It's kind of like this - being spanked is a love connection - like getting kissed, or being hugged. It's as simple as that. The difference is, that every vanilla couple kisses and hugs. However, for those of us who incorporate spanking in our relationships, it is one more action that we can use to share intimacy.  When I get a super-long kiss, I know it means he loves me. When he pulls me close and hugs me tightly, I know it means he never wants to let me go. When he holds me down and spanks my bottom, I know he is committing to being responsible for nurturing and protecting me and keeping me on the right path. 

I never understood it before, when a sub writes that she presents herself to her Dom to be spanked because HE needs a re-set. I could never figure out how if HE is the one stressing over something, doing the spanking would bring him any relief. (And of course I will never truly understand this because I'll never be on the giving end of a spanking - I just don't have it in me!) 'Cos you know us spankos, if we're stressed, GETTING the spanking is the thing that helps!

However, when the worst of the most recent drama was over and we were working on a resolution, it suddenly occurred to me that despite all the feelings of "it was his fault"-ness floating about in my brain, I had the strongest urge to lay myself across his lap, offer him whatever short-range implements we had (spoon, belt, spatula) and announce that if he was really prepared to be my Dom for the long haul, then please spank me and prove it. Spank me hard, and long, and then spank me some more, because for me that seals the deal. 

Why? I wondered. Then my 'Ta - Da!' moment came. The effort that goes into a spanking and the determination to push through even when I am clearly feeling the pain (which I imagine can be difficult to some degree), is evidence of his commitment to us, the D/s part of us. Kissing and hugging and all that vanilla stuff tells me he loves me. But spanking tells me he loves me in our unique way.

In receiving a spanking I commit to being his sub - and I have expressed this sentiment often enough throughout this blog - but it is only now that I see that it is his delivering one which is the reassurance I need of his commitment to being my Dom. 

Dear Fondles ( A Letter)

See what happens when you start getting ahead of yourself and jump to conclusions? You end up assuming a bunch of things, none of which are exactly true. 

And then you end up accusing the ones you love of all sorts of wrongs (which, by the way, exist only in your head) and cause them to think you're angling for something. 

True, it's not entirely your fault that they think you're asking for something that you're not, but hey, that's what makes us human - our peculiar understanding of any given situation. Just cos you would handle it one way doesn't mean your other half is going to as well. 

See what happened after you talked? See how much better you felt? 

Well, let that be a lesson NOT to think up imaginary tragedies for your life. OK?

Didn't you feel so loved when he offered to come round this morning? Even if just to climb into bed with you cos you'd never agree to wake up that early and actually GO somewhere?

All that kissing and stroking your hair, and looking into your eyes and holding you close to him - wasn't that LOVE? The love you were SO sure you were never going to feel ever again? *Drama queen much?*

That one particular moment when he grabbed you tight and literally wrapped you in both his arms, squeezing the daylights out of you - what did you feel? You could FEEL him owning you. There was never any risk of him UNloving you. Silly child. You felt the word "MINE" emanating from him. So strong was it that you asked him to say it. "Say what's on your mind," you whispered. 

His reply threw you didn't it? What was it? Oh, yes... "I thought I almost lost you," he admitted. Did your heart not swell? No more ache in there, right? You see, it's possible that someone could love you as much and as deeply as you love them! 

When you told him you'd smoked last night from the stress and all that was upsetting you, he understood why. He nagged... but well, that's just him, isn't it? But he got it. He knows you were a wreck. 

And that spanking afterward - with your panties still on, so that he caught your bum just at the curve underneath, where arse (as he pronounces it) meets thigh - that was one heck of a reminder that you matter to him. That he's still responsible for you. It was stinging long after he was done. But you liked it. And you were good, you didn't rub it away, preferring instead to let the pain linger on your skin. He rubbed it for you, though. He's a good guy, you know, cheating aside (snigger). 

He had his cock in your mouth before too long, the way you enjoy it. Sure, you teased him, not really sucking on him, letting your tongue run around the circumference of his head, licking, flicking, not fully taking him wholly into your mouth. But seriously, do you think he couldn't have gotten his way if he wanted to? You like playing, and he likes watching you do that. This time you really gave it all your worth didn't you? Doing everything to pleasure him - using both hands, watching him as he looked down at you, wetting your lips with his wet cock, yeah I'd say "A" for effort. 

I bet he loved cumming and pumping into your mouth as you continued to suck on him. And you've had dirty noisy sex before - but today was different wasn't it? It was tender. When he finally pushed into your wet pussy, you were ready to surrender to him all over again. You were so raw and vulnerable, and he knew you needed to feel love. Not dominance, not ownership, not any of that D/s stuff - just love. And he did. He poured it all over you to try and undo all the pain that you'd been suffering over the last few days. 

So you see, he does look like he's here for the long haul. He knows better than anyone ever did what you need and what you desire. You gotta quit worrying, you cow, and let him love you the way you love him. 

~From, the other Fondles (you know, the one who's not neurotic and psychotic and paranoid.)

Not Quite A Spanking Pic

After all the morose musings over here, I thought I'd share this with you guys - I saw it on a friend's FB wall and I just had to smile!

It's not exactly the kind of spanking pic we're used to eh?

Thank You All...

... for your comments, your virtual hugs, your care and concern. 

Thanks for the emails, and the offers to be a listening ear. 

In a nutshell, the deal is this :

I need to remember that this is temporary. No matter how much I love him and want him to be mine, it isn't something that will happen. 

So why did we do this?

Because it was supposed to make me stronger, build me up, help me realise who I am and arm myself with integrity and self worth and confidence to go out there in the big bad world and make smarter choices about the men I date while searching for The One. 

Erm - we didn't count on TTWD and our D/s dynamic to bring us as close to each other as it did. In the end I think we found a place where we both needed each other more than we cared to admit. 

On my part, I let myself forget. I latched on to the hope that maybe somewhere sometime there might be a slim possibility that we'd be together. And I was looking at that little 1% so intently I completely ignored the 99% glaring back at me - you know, the part that yelled "It's Not Going To Happen!"

OK, I learned something about myself (rather, finally admitted it to myself) over the 6-hour sit-down and dinner I had with one of my nearest and dearest friends tonight: I need to have someone to share my affections with. To rattle on about my day with. To have little anecdotes to share with. I'm at my most fulfilled when I'm "with" someone. Sad, but true. I've been single and free and obligation-less. And those were the times I felt the most empty. 

So - the right thing to do is end it, be single, date, and hopefully find someone worthy of the wonderful person that I am (*ahem*) - but if that doesn't happen, and I'm not attached, I'll be miserable.

Instead, and if you want to roll your eyeballs, go right ahead, I'm going to leave things the way they are WHILE I date. I just have to remember to date. And not get complacent and be happy with just BIKSS.

I suppose part of the reason I stopped canvasing the dating scene was cos I felt it would hurt him - under normal circumstances that's what the expected norms would be for a couple involved in a relationship! But then, given the situation we're in, I think the very concept of "norms" is moot.

And so, my love, one day you will have to let me go, because you have to. I wish it isn't so, but you and I both know that's our reality. So in the meantime, you shall just have to be strong for me and let me cling on to you for comfort while I navigate through the waters of the dating game. 

You admitted a part of the problem was your selfishness - you didn't want to tell me that we had to stop this because you love me and you love being with me. I forgive you, for it is my turn to be selfish and keep you close while I do what I must so that I can, one day, let you go. 

[Addendum]

Since I posted this we've talked some more and then some more. And it seems there has been a bit of a confusion as to what we both thought the other person thought. And there was some pre-empting of doing and saying what we thought was the "right" thing when really what we should have been talking about was what we actually felt / thought.

I feel that since I've been so emo, and that all of you have rallied round to offer support and hugs, I owe it to you to explain now that things have been sorted out some.

The realisation that hit me yesterday is very real - it exists. Chances are good he will never be 100% mine.

But I was working under the assumption that there was a time limit to our relationship - a year, or two, or five... who knows.

BIKSS, however, has been happy to be selfishly claiming me as his own cos he's prepared to be with me (in whatever form he can) until one of us kicks the bucket.

Um, I didn't know that. He didn't know I didn't know that.

Some months ago when we were talking about the practicalities and logistics of carrying on an affair such as ours I said to him that I see it ending if and when one of us became unable to move about independently - he agreed thinking that I meant when we were old and gray and, well, dead.  I was actually referring to some point in the near future, like prematurely taken ill or rendered physically impaired.

So when I asked him if he could love me forever and ever and ever if I never found someone to marry, he didn't understand me. He thought that was what our understanding was. Er, oh wait.

I was weeping cos I thought we would HAVE to break up at some point.

And I think he thought he HAD to cos I wanted him to marry me and that's something he can't promise me.

Um, we've gotten to the bottom of things. And just to be on the safe side, I'm still going to date if someone comes along that I can stand the sight of and can string an English sentence together. (Surprisingly rare in my part of the world!)

But, uh, yes. This is me sheepishly saying that we're ok now (there's more to it, but I shan't get into boring detail about who said what and who meant what etc.) And you'll be hearing about more of our adventures yet!

LOVE

... shouldn't be painful.

It shouldn't cause you to ache in the depths of your chest.

It shouldn't make you want to reach into your belly and hold it shut.

It shouldn't make you cry every time you think of the one you love.

It shouldn't be the pain you hold on to when you close your eyes at night.

It shouldn't be the tears that drop onto your pillow when you wake up and think of him.


Where did that other feeling go to? You know... the one that makes you smile?

The one that fills your heart up so big you could swear you're puffed up a size bigger?

The one that you never want to stop feeling?

The one that you wish everyone could see?

The one you wish EVERYONE COULD FEEL?


The one that you can't express in words to let him know it's there?

The one that he can only fathom from the way you look into his eyes and hold his gaze?

That's the one I want. I want it back. But it's never coming back...

I Look at Them...

... as they cross the street, and I think, "Don't waste your life, do the things that YOU want to do."

I look at them... in the coffee shops, having their frappes, and I want to tell them to save their money for better things, bigger things.

I look at them... saying goodbye to their friends, after a day spent frivolously doing absolutely nothing, and inside I yell, "Time is precious! What did you accomplish today?"

I look at them... mucking around with the gang, free and single, I hope they don't stay that way too long. I hope having "freedom" isn't one of their goals.

I look at them... complaining about how awful their parents are and it takes all of my willpower NOT to go up to them and clobber them on their heads.

I look at them... fighting with each other - "Love and forgive, and build a life together... Or else realise the two of you aren't meant to be together and let go early so you can find someone who will be good for you!"

And then I look at myself and wish someone HAD said and done all those things when I was Them. 

Perhaps then, maybe, I wouldn't be who I am now.

------------------------------------------------

[Addendum]

I'm feeling torn. Yes. Again. And reading blogs about TTWD and D/s and other relationship-involving topics hurts too much right now. 

So I'm going to take a breather and probably won't be reading as much as I used to. Sure I'll glance... I doubt I could resist THAT. . . but it's likely I won't get through whole posts - I've tried. Still, my thoughts and wishes are with all of you. 

Stolen from PK's Blog

So I saw this at Sunnygirl's place, whom I think said she saw it at PK's... so I stole it and here it is.

Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? No
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? No
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? No
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? No
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? No
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Do you sleep naked? No
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? No

Huh... hey Hun, you wanna play along? Put it in the comments!!

Bonnie Appreciation Day

Apparently it's Bonnie Appreciation Day

And I only found this out cos I saw so many blog posts today with this pic:

While I don't have any touching personal story to share, I will say that it is because of her blog that many of us have access to a bunch (and that's putting it mildly) of other spanking / TTWD / DD / D/s / BDSM blogs. 

She is a priceless resource to all of us in this community and if you're not yet acquainted with her blog, GO OVER THERE NOW!

I remember someone (maybe it was Faerie) saying to me sometime during my first days in Blogland, that I've been listed on Bonnie's "In With the New" post that week. And that was how I first came to learn about her blog. 

So, Bonnie, thanks for all the work you've done for us, and for putting me on your list!

Oops He Did It Again

Dear Master BIKSS, 

Here are the charges that have been brought against you:

1) reminding me during the day (dad's medical, dinner with parents) that I was to have patience and remember that I can only change what is changeable and NOT to fret (or lose my temper) about the things that I CANNOT control;

2) supporting my need to walk the stress off even tho you couldn't make it tonight, and reminding me to stay on the main roads and not wander into dark alleys;

3) catching me off guard and surprising me with a last minute pick-up from where I ended up;

4) making a fuss (aka nagging) about my alleged dragging of feet when I brisk walk (I still maintain it's the leaves that got underfoot) and making it absolutely clear that I'm to stop it;

5) correcting me so that I now know that all the nice little things I do for you is not Mothering but Submission (I liked this one!);

6) watching me gag while you were fucking my mouth and savouring the tears that were pooling at the corner of my eyes, wiping them away, and carrying on anyway;

7) forcing your finger(s) into my mouth and explaining why you like doing it in the very best way possible - "cos it's a thing I can force you to do";

8) spanking me repeatedly in the same spot (almost) 50 times on each cheek and then adding 10 more on each side for good measure;

9) saying truly submission-inducing things to me like "Whose are you," and "What else is mine?" and "Whose pussy is this?"

10) instructing me to keep my eyes open while you took your time fucking me, changing up the tempo as it suited you, while I whimpered and whined and made all sorts of needy 'fuck me' sounds - and watching me watch you, as you so eloquently phrased it. (He says sometimes my eyes glazed over... I ask you... how is that possible? Pffft. They Did Not.)

To these accusations, how do you plead?

Turning Into One of THEM

I had a pre-meltdown conversation with mum earlier. She doesn't drive me insane, no. More like dad drives her insane and then she complains to us kids and expects us to solve it. And when we give her options, she chooses not to exercise any of them. 

Anyway, this is NOT a post about that. 

What it is, is a post about my conversation via Skype with BIKSS after that. 

I told him that I was annoyed and pissed off and as the story flourished, perhaps so did my flowery language. 

Now, the use (or should I say, ban) of colourful words isn't a formalised item on our D/s agenda. I use the F word loads and he's never had a problem with it. But in my fit tonight I might have said something like "For F's sake it's none of his bl**dy business" and when I was done with that bit of ranting BIKSS came back with an adequately thoughtful reply - followed by "... and mind your language, however angry you are". 

Well, ok, I had to shelve that for a moment so that I could continue with my complaints, but after that I asked him why he made an issue of it. Since it never came up before. 

Apparently it's cos ordinarily I use it as an embellishment but here I was talking in reference to my parents and I guess he felt I was being disrespectful. 

"You know you're becoming one of THEM don't you?" I accused him. 

 I guess it was a matter of time... He wears this suit easily, His Dominance. 

Oh, and by THEM I mean the upstanding, responsible, integrity-filled Doms / HoH's who refuse to allow their subs to sink to disrespecting their families. *Mutter* After all, this was TOTALLY him. We never discussed putting this bit up for scrutiny in our dynamic. 

I suppose I should be rejoicing that he seems to be coming into his own as a Dom, doing what needs doing instinctively. I remember the days when I would suggest he did this, or asked me for that, or used a particular word. Hah! Those days are over, methinks. So to all the beginning-subs who are finding it frustrating that your Doms aren't doing what you want them to do, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! One day they'll get it. Ohhhh, one day they'll get it alright! 

(BIKSS is even now amused that it came so naturally for him to stop me at that point cos he felt I needed a reminder.) 

And while looking for a pic he sent me this:

The lesson that I'm meant to learn...

Follow Friday - Oct 19th

Oct 20th UPDATE: SirQsMLB has started her own blog. GO VISIT HER at 

Sir Q and Me

Newly added to my blogroll this week:

Sexual Musings of Poetic Estrus

Learning to Follow His Lead

CDD for Life? Pooky's Story

Lea's Corner

The Definition of the Van Vagabond

Another Hidden View

Owned, Collared, Loved

Love Honour and Obey

Mick and Lynda's Place

And some posts that I think are mention-worthy (I didn't get a lot of reading done this week, I'm afraid... busy!)

Kink and Trauma by Aisha

Accessibility by Kitty

That Time of the Month by Dauntless Vitality

Accountability for Him by Ward of The Dish with Ward & June

And if you aren't already reading the stories over at Imagine the Stories, here is the first installment of Rosecliff

Come Inside When You're Done

I was fiddling with my laptop. He picked up the ruler and headed into the bedroom. He kissed me lightly as he said those words. My pussy was already melting.

He motioned for me to lie on him, we hugged and kissed and I offered to switch off the main light and leave just the side lamp on.

When I came back to bed he was kneeling with the ruler beside him, and motioned for me to present my bottom to him for a spanking. [He did say, at the end of last night, that I would get a proper one today, since we'd been missing maintenance for a while now.]

I did so immediately, pausing only to ask if I may have a look at the ruler. He allowed me to look it over, then I returned it to him and tipped my head forward onto the bed. 

He hiked up my tiny shorts and started gently with his hand. It felt good. Honest. Serious. We were quiet - the playful banter we sometimes engage in seemed inappropriate today. He got a rhythm going and I felt myself letting go and surrendering myself to the pain.

After that he rubbed me a little and kissed my bum cheeks - loving, tender. Then he picked up the ruler and started in with it. It was stingy, but the pain wasn't long-lasting. It definitely wasn't un-enjoyable. After each set he would rub me, or kiss me, or finger my clit, turning me on even more!

When he was done with the ruler, I think I got some more hand spanks, I'm not sure, but what I do remember is getting his leather belt next. It was heaven. By this time I was wet and ready. (BIKSS later said that I wasn't as wet, initially, as some other times, particularly when he'd been pinching my nipples, but my defence was that all my juices had been soaked up by my shorts. Hrmph!)

Once my cheeks were nicely warmed, BIKSS nudged at me with his cock, taking me by surprise as I still had my shorts on and we weren't in a sex-conducive position - but both those things were quickly remedied and ... well, I've leave you to imagine the rest! =) Suffice to say, I am one very satisfied sub!

Why Do I Protest?

NEWSFLASH

HE made me keep my eyes open while we had sex last night. It was strange. I didn't know what to look at, and suddenly I became very conscious of him looking straight at me. That is, until he shut HIS eyes. At which point I said "Now YOU keep your eyes open!" And he smiled, and fucked me hard and came thunderously. 

(I'd rather have the luxury of the option of intermittently shutting my eyes... but we'll see... it was FUN being commanded that way!)

Before he left he hollered something about not being spanked and then just as I had pulled on a pair of knickers he came into the room and repeated it "You haven't had your spanking today."

Now, you should know that maintenance has been missing lately. And I mean it's gone for a month long European vacation and showed no signs of coming back . But I said to him that while cuddling and sex was awesome, there's nothing like a serious purposeful spanking to wrap everything up in a nice bundle of D/s. 

So he promised to be more diligent with the spankings and get back into the swing (totally intended!) of things. Last night was his comeback. And I whined back at him "Aw, don't spank me and leave me..." but even as I said that I regretted it, cos I wanted him to spank me.  Well, my body did the right thing even if my mouth was protesting - I got into position and presented my bum to him while the words were still tumbling out. 

He was confused I think, who wouldn't be - "Really?" But his instinct to go ahead with it was spot on - I suppose he figured if I REALLY didn't want him to spank and split I wouldn't have gotten onto the bed and lifted my ass for him. 10 on each side, with his left hand pulling the fabric of my panties in like a thong. His right hand delivered the swats - in the curve between bum and thigh, and on the inner side of each thigh too, so that the flesh was tender and I was smarting at the end of it. 

1) I hadn't been spanked properly in a while so I was more sensitive than usual

2) He used more force than the last few play spankings we've indulged in

3) The placement of the swats made a LOT of difference

He kissed each cheek tenderly, rearranged my panties, and let me up. Then he held out his hand and I took it as he led me out to the main door where he kissed me sweetly and said goodnight. 

I was still smarting as I crawled into bed. Feeling him on my bum. Perfect.

(He picked up a wooden ruler yesterday cos we discussed it and I was curious to try one. He left it in the car, but promised to bring it up with him later tonight when he comes over. Stay tuned for more spanking updates!)

Let Me Tell You a Story

In the beginning there was a girl. With what success she gained from all that she worked for, she furnished her life the way she desired. The apartment was hers. She bought it. To own her space was to own her freedom. She was a fighter. In a society where The Couple was shown great favour, she succeeded to her aspirations as a single girl. 

But while she wore the outer trappings of a strong, secure, authoritative woman, she knew there was something missing, something she craved.

To find that something she would lure, and she would tempt. And she would use the men who didn't mean anything to her. A high school mate once said of her - she used them, abused them then dropped them like a hot potato. It wasn't too far off the mark. 

But what of those whom she DID love?

Those she would allow to blind her. They let her believe she had them in her grip. But the truth of it is that little by little, one after another, they chipped away at her core.  And over time she learned to build up walls and put up defences. Yet how could it be that the higher those walls went up, the more she justified the actions of the very ones who were hurting her. 

She clung on, each and every time. Despite what she knew deep inside, she clung on. 

Until the day came when there was nothing and no one to hold on to. 

Almost broken, save the one strand of hope in the bleakness, she knew what she must do. Find herself. Be herself. Love herself. The self that she knew to be hidden inside - the self that she knew she must learn to accept. The self she had to stand up for.

She traced backwards the lead around her to the one holding it. It was there all along. He was there tugging and pulling, mostly he was letting out enough slack. But he never let go. And she never knew it. So subtle was he. So loving was he. 

He enveloped her then. Took her and gave her a safe place to rest. To recover. To rediscover.

He provided. And she let him. Still distant, still separate. But  he was her frame and her casement. She needed him there, but she didn't need to know it. And he allowed her her time.

When her dying was over - it was she who told him so. He picked her up and lifted her from her old life and placed her into a new one. One where she could strip away the walls of her insecurity and find comfort in her flaws.

She knew she could trust him to never abandon her interests. She knew he was worthy. And she knew she had found that something missing, that something she craved. But most importantly she knew that before too long she would give herself over to him.

I am yours, hun. Thank you for never letting go.

[all photos courtesy of the world wide web]

In the News

This is a topic that's a little close to home these days, on account we're chatting with an online friend regarding a very controlling boyfriend, and also the (awful) memories it brings back when I think about some of my past relationships and how I allowed my sense of self to be slowly chipped away.

Why Do Women Stay With Controlling Men

Over on Enjoying the Journey I came across this link:

Spankometers and Italian Chandeliers at Berlin's New Sex Academy 

- which made me google "spankometer" which then took me to this blogpost: 

15 Sexy Places That Will Spice Up Your Travels

And speaking of 15 - I found BIKSS looking at this on his phone the other night - and you know what? I wasn't hurt or upset or offended or ANYTHING. I figure, the man is a sweetheart for wanting to do as much research as he does! 

How To Have A 15-Minute Female Orgasm

Although after reading it, we both decided the title was a bit of a misnomer.

Enjoy your web travels =D

Tuesday Toon #16

Thank you for being my village. I don't know what I would have done without all of your support.

NOT Follow Friday

I was so caught up last week that I didn't get my Follow Friday post up on time... so I'm doing one now!

Hey, better late than never right? This week I've got links to some old AND new blogs / posts.

HEART AND SOUL  Ronnie's put up a really cute picture about wife training... *giggles*

HERMIONE'S HEART A poem AND a picture - lovely!

POPPY'S SUBMISSIONS He said, she said... the D/s way

SUBMISSIVE SANCTUARY It's always nice to hear from people who are curious about D/s

CONFESSIONS OF AN ADULTERESS It's an older post, but I like the way Luna Moon describes her nipple play session... I need to get some clamps - the adjustable kind =D

SNP You simply MUST read this story about Erin and Greg - the more I read, the wetter I got!

ROGUE'S AWAKENING Rogue gets my vote for Most Inventive Format For a Blog Post this week

KITTY - TSW Trigger-nometry was never this exciting in school

TDWWNJ Who knew 'OKAY' and 'YES' could be so different when you're a sub

A SLAVE TO MASTER Another older post - but one filled with yummy promises...

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE I couldn't find a particular post to link to as I love them all - so you'll just have to go over there and browse

NEW BEGINNINGS "The spanking of a lifetime" according to PK

JOEY & FRIENDS Get over there now cos Joey's just starting his Spanking Weekend retelling

GENERALLY SPANKING Getting on the Apple bandwagon...

SMILING BELLE'S JOURNEY Moving furniture the cowgirl way

AIMLESS RAMBLINGS Did you know if you clicked on the romance tag you get SG's stories?

LIL MISSES UNFOLDS A very neat and clear description of rules for the starting out TTWD couple

And now, here are the blogs I recently started following... I hope they get updated soon - if a blog looks stagnant I become very tempted to take it off my sidebar - that's the OCD in me. 

A HUSBAND OF TWO SEXUAL MINDS I thought this was HOT HOT HOT

DIRTY BLOG Check out these lovely pieces - underwear or jewellery? 

HIS (UN)SUBMISSIVE YOUNG LADY  The Follow widget has just been added!

JUST ANOTHER SPANKING BLOG Heh. 'Nuff said.

A NEW ROAD A young blog... if you wanna start reading at the beginning, now's the time to go over there

A New Rule and other Decisions

OK, it's official. He has now decided, because I'm hopeless about it otherwise, that bedtime is now a rule - 3am, with half an hour's grace. And I'm to be ASLEEP too - not just IN BED (and presumably rolling about with a book or an iphone game in hand).

This is very fair, I think. Any earlier and I'll probably wake up too early to make it through my last class properly (I usually end at 9). This isn't a new problem. For a while there he would remind me, and I would do it. But on the days he didn't tell me to get to bed early, I'd just stay up and fold the laundry and watch my movies and catch up on these highly addictive TV series - you know the ones... Leverage... White Collar... Merlin... I could go on and on.  

"What brought this on?" you might ask.  Um, well, I texted him this morning when I woke up at 10am. I had people coming over for lunch today so there was some light cooking to be done. And I was grouchy and complaining that I was feeling crazy tired. I knew he was gonna ask the moment I said that. 

What time did you sleep?

630

(he sends me an emote: the sideways-glance-unhappy-with-you-down-turned-mouth one)

What happened to 3?

What happened to 3? What's 3? 

Sleeping at 3.

I know what you mean... but I didn't know we set me a time. Did we?

(Ok, you caught me. Pfft. This whole exchange was just me playing at being innocent and ignorant and clueless. I never thought I'd be guilty of such a crime. Clearly I was wrong.)

No, but you KNOW sleeping late makes you tired (yes he CAPS-ed it!)

---Then there was some chit chat here about how it looked like I was getting better at going to bed earlier, and how I'd been doing a good job these last few months and of my own accord too, I admitted it was probably because when he says goodnight before he heads off to bed he'll say something like "don't sleep too late", or he'll ask me what time I'm planning to go to bed and that sort of makes me feel like I have to do it, cos I've committed to it. BUT when he doesn't ask or remind me, it all goes to hell. 

Just as sleeping late is bad for me, it's bad for you too. 

(On some days he has to be up by 530 so the night before I'll usually remind him when it's about 1am that he has to be up earlier than usual, and he'd better get to sleep.)

I'd much rather have you sleep early and wake up earlier - gives you more time to do stuff and doesn't screw with your sleep cycle, like when you have to wake up early for whatever.

Sigh, yeah. Like weekends, when I have to wake up early.

Or any other weekday when you have something to do.

(like today... he didn't say it, but I heard it!)

Is there anything you absolutely MUST do past 3 in the morning? 

no...I can sleep before 3...

Then it's a rule. Sleep before 3. With 30 mins leeway. So 3.30 latest - and not just in bed.

(Maybe if he were HERE to spank me and send me to bed, I'd be less reticent about sleeping earlier every night.)

=====================================

In other news, since my hair is no longer curly, but is, instead, long and straight, and in the wake of the recent post about ponytails and hair grabbing in public, PLUS his new-found expertise in using my hair as a handle when fucking my mouth, I asked him (very submissively) if I should now wear my hair in a ponytail when we go out, so that he has ready access to hair-tugging. 

No prizes for guessing his answer. Will update the Definitions page soon. 

=====================================

Personal decisions :

1) I'm quite done with alcohol - aside from the wine we have together. I think it's safe to say I'm giving up on whiskey. I had some last Saturday - one of my favourite ones too - Famous Grouse - and halfway thru my glass I felt a little sick and trying to finish it became a bit of a chore. So yeah. I haven't drunk in so long that I think I'm losing my taste for it. 

2) Be more vigilant with my skin care regime. He shouldn't have to settle for kissing sandpaper when he can have silken tofu. (He swears there's nothing wrong with my skin, but I KNOW DIFFERENT - I can feel it!)

3) Ask BIKSS how he would feel about my kneeling when we meet instead of just before he leaves. I think it would help both of us get into the zone much more easily. (I only put it down here cos I know he reads this blog, and I kept forgetting to mention it to him today!)

Right....

Snippets - Top of my head / Growing submission

He seems to be fixated with my head. Or hair. Or that area in general, I think. 

We were on skype earlier and I asked him if there was anything in particular that puts him in the Dom space the way some things trigger my submission - "pulling on your hair in public and watching your reaction". 

Well, that's all fine and good, but what I actually meant was if there was something *I* could do before he even initiated anything 'dom'-like. We went around a few bushes and trees but we did manage to ascertain, in the end, that he feels immediately dominant when I kneel, put my face in his crotch, or expose my neck - for example, if I stretched to get a better look at something, or looked upwards etc.

I wonder if I could work in the kneeling at the Beginning of our meeting, instead of at the End. 

But he also mentioned that he finds I'm more readily submissive now right from the start, when we meet, unlike in the early days where I would take a little while to get there. 

My take is that it could very well just be a result of his being more confident of his dominance now, and therefore he doesn't need to wonder or "test the waters" to see how receptive I am. 

Seems like a chicken and egg situation. But I think he's correct too - I find myself being more soft and compliant upon meeting him, whereas in the past I think there was a certain amount of "adjustment" time. So either I'm managing to get some prep time in before we meet, or else I really am taking less time to get into that mode. Whichever the reason, it's progress.

On the night that we coined "Face-Fuck-Slut" I asked him afterward if he enjoyed forcing himself into my mouth despite my gagging... if that turned him on more. 

Were you gagging?

um, you mean the watery eyes and the choking motions weren't a dead giveaway?

I couldn't tell. All I could see was the top of your pretty little head.

HRMPH!

Blissfully unaware of all the unpleasantness that goes on around your cock huh? You're only feeling the good stuff.

Uh-huh. And it feels damn good!

OK, so the man DOESN'T get off on watching me choke half to death, but he's quite happy to keep doing it  as long as it makes him feel good. *Mutters*

And this traitorous pussy of mine gave me away cos by the time he asked if *I* liked it?.. well, he already got his answer via his fingers which were halfway into me.