I told him the truth.
I did something I'm not proud of. But the reason for doing what I did is now moot. It's the last resolution - one I did not post along with the rest, because writing it at that point would have seemed strange. And I wasn't ready to come clean yet.
So anyway, I've made a decision and that's now a thing of the past. And how do I know it'll stick this time? Because I made the decision for me - not cos BIKSS wanted me to want to. I think that's the difference.
But that's not the point of this post. The point is how much I trust him. And how he is everything that I need him to be. My stronghold.
He didn't get mad. I'm a little unnerved actually, cos I thought there would be a reaction. But I'm not surprised.
Here's an excerpt (edited):
So...don't get ME wrong. While I'm happy you are quitting for yourself, and even though I sorta understood that there might be a possibility that you would smoke behind my back, it's sticking in my throat that you did. Maybe it took THOSE events to make u come to the realization. I hope so - then they weren't for nothing. I'm not sure how much the fact you hid it from me is getting to me, but again, rationalizing it says that the end justifies the means.
I am not proud of what happened. I am ashamed. And sorry...
I'd normally say you should be...but I know the defense mechanisms you have and this was most likely one of them.
I want to crawl into you.
(Kiss emote) I'd welcome you.
Thank you for being my fortress.
You know you can tell me stuff right?
Yeah I know. That's why I do.
Good.
I'd rather tell you than NOT tell you. Despite it being a little complicated now. Knowing that when I tell you EVERYTHING that's going on inside my head it might end up hurting YOU in the process. So thank you for accepting this really strange state of affairs.
Thank you for trusting me.
Yeah well, I did say I trust you with my life right? I meant it.
I can almost guarantee we'll talk about it more the next time we meet. This was just the preliminary outpouring. Exploration of emotions and the whole process of working through our feelings and thoughts will happen in person I expect. There will be crying, there will be guilt, there will be understanding, there will be crawling into him. But most of all, there will be trust.
The gift of acceptance and unconditional love is huge!!! Not to say its easy or painless. But honesty does release us from the guilt of deception. It lets you start fresh. Good luck. Yea fondles for coming clean! Yea BIKSS for responding lovingly.
ReplyDeleteHe went beyond expectation. It was, like you said, him "responding lovingly" that gives me more and more reason to hope for our future, and reassures me that my trust in him is not given in error.
DeleteOh Fondles, I know how you feel here!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the pieces of your conversation, change the "unsaid" subject, and I'm pretty sure Sir and I have had this conversation.
It's all about trust, isn't it? Because everything else can seemingly fall apart. It can all seem too much. Trust is the glue that holds it together, on both sides.
*hugs tight*
I'm glad you confessed and it's no longer a secret between you. And I'm glad BIKSS was so understanding too!
~Jas
Oh he surprises me all the time. The last time I confessed he had a fit. well, ok he was totally disappointed and I couldn't bear to put him thru that again. So I hid it. But we've managed to come to an understanding on this matter.
DeleteMost of all..trust is the most important...and understanding...lucky you to have both!!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I do. and I AM lucky. I continue to feel unworthy of him. But rejoice that he continues to make the choice to continue to love me.
DeleteGreat resolution! :) and so glad you have him to confess to and that he's so understanding :)
ReplyDeleteDespite how not thrilled he was, he ended up reassuring me that he'd be ok if I continued to tell him the truth. Cos that's preferable to my rebuilding walls and shutting him out.
DeleteSometimes I feel as if I'm asking for too much.
It is great when you find someone who understands you, supports you through it all :)
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Aluv
It is. I feel truly blessed to have him in my life.
DeletePraying for you. Love you. Care about you. ***HUG*** It's hard. It's really hard to either have the courage to completely let go or have the courage to say "I cannot completely let go yet." and honesty is so imperative and SO hard.
ReplyDeleteThank you Young Lady. I needed it. And it's so true. Today I finally found the courage to say that I cannot completely let go, and I explained why. And we found a way to move onward.
DeleteAnd I sometimes HATE honesty. It leaves you feeling bare and open and totally vulnerable.
Trust and understanding...A most valuable commodity,you'll get there with both I hope.Kind regards, Gary.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gary. I know that there's no one else in the world I trust more than BIKSS. And I continue to be grateful for his presence everyday :)
DeleteNone of this works without trust. Good for you both.
ReplyDeletehugs
lillie
Thanks for dropping in and reading.
DeleteYes, without trust we'd have nothing. And we'd have dissolved our involvement rather early on!
Great resolution Fondles, a toughie but good. Good on you for coming clean and am so glad BIKSS was so loving and understanding. Honesty, trust and understanding are so vital in any relationship.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Yes, well, there is something about this resolution that needs telling, or clarification. The post that's scheduled for Thursday will clear this all up. Stay tuned!
DeleteTransparency and trust are both very good, very necessary things, fondles. That's a very hard thing for me, too...learning to accept his grace. But they do intrinsically know what we need when we need it, we just need to learn to accept the squidgy parts.
ReplyDeleteThe squidgy parts - i wasn't even aware there existed such a word.
DeleteI looked it up, I admit :)
Add another word to that - I think I don't like the squirmy parts too much either.
Grace. There's a good word. He must love me huh?
Squidgy - soft, spongy, moist (Merrian Webster Dictionary)
DeleteSquidgy - soft, collapsible, crying in excess (The New June Dictionary :-P)
Yes, I'd say he does :) Even with the parts that we're frightened make us less, they love unconditionally.
Hi Fondles!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I love how you two interact with one another. This is a sweet post - and the trust factor is so important. You have that with BIKSS, and he with you.
Secondly, thank you for stopping by my blog! I've been reading yours for a while now and I'm so happy that you said hello.
Elisa
Thanks for coming around and saying hi!
DeleteAnd yes, I don't think I've ever let myself be so open with anyone before.