Preventing a Future Fight

I have absolutely NO self-discipline when it comes to my heart. Like seriously. Can you tell? Weak weak weak! 

So all this time I was scrambling about feeling frazzled from the tug of war between keeping myself free for BIKSS vs doing what I need to do for myself remember? Then I finally decided that I should just do what I need to do in order not to feel disappointed when BIKSS can't make it after I've changed my plans to suit his? 

OK so I was supposed to teach on Monday. He was gonna come around for dinner. 

BUT he came early. And surprised me. And I couldn't bear the thought of him being here just hanging out in the next room while I taught for 3 hours when I get so little time with him... so I shifted my classes - easy enough since I was still sick anyway. 

The thing is, if I weren't sick, I'd be really upset by it. THIS is exactly what I meant - I don't want a situation to arise where I have to scramble to change my plans for him. And admittedly he didn't ask me to. But I'm not wired that way. I wouldn't be able to teach in peace. It's just me, ok?

So I told him so. That I'm not strong enough to go ahead and teach knowing you're here and yet NOT spending that time with you. So we agreed next time I just shouldn't schedule anything on Mondays since that's my official day off AND the day he's most likely to be done with work early(ish) and be able to spend a good number of hours with me... and I also told him that in future if I had class or he knows I'm supposed to be busy, don't drop in and expect me to be fine with him sitting around here while I work cos I can't do it. 

He understands and hopefully there won't ever come a time when this happens again and I get stressed out. The thing is - he (and some of you) probably didn't think it would upset me - and in fact, I was thrilled that he got here early! - but I needed to let him know that I just CAN'T handle such a situation and that would make me get worked up thinking "See THIS is why I don't want to make my own plans cos then you show up and I'll have to cancel things to make space for you!"  Again, a me thing, not a him-asking-me-to thing. 

So given that THIS is the way my brain processes any opportunity for us to spend time together, I thought it best to just tell him so, instead of trying to work out contingencies on my own. 

(Sorry about the ramble... I'm not feeling very organised and systematic at the moment. I blame the flu.)