Surprise Tuesday Spanking

He had dinner and drinks with the ex boss.

I had a late class.

He texted to ask if I had plans.

Could it be? Would he? Um... no plans, I say.

Weee! He's done with his stuff. I'm on the couch.

Watching tv. Eating dinner.

He arrives and I'm a sloth. He changes into shorts and a tee... and sloths along with me.

I make him tea. With no sugar. Steeped just under 2 minutes.

Who uses the word "steep" anymore? He asks.

I do. And that's why you love me.

----------------

I spanked him. In the interest of science. Which spoon hurts more?

I gave him a blowjob. Then wiped him with a warm towel.

We make plans for the trip.

He's taking me for Chinese. And awesome wagyu beef ribs.

You know, I say, it's sweet that you're thinking of taking me to experience all the places you went to when you were there last on your work trip.

My head finds his crotch, my lips, his cock.

Mmmm, I like being down here, I murmur.

Hand on my head, his voice tells me to stay down there.

My hair is his handle. Take it all in, that's right.

I gag a little. My eyes tear. I moan. I'm lost in lust.

Rock hard in my mouth. Spurred on by his control over me.

Slick with saliva, my hand moves up and down his shaft.

He shifts, I shift to settle between his legs.

My eyes are shut the whole time. Sensory overload.

Listening to his words makes me make sounds of my own.

Feeling his hand captaining this journey to orgasm makes me whimper as I please him.

Tasting his cock in my mouth, pushing against the back of my throat fills me with anticipation of his hot cum shooting into me, and with dread and fear that I might retch before it does. No, please, let me make it to the end.

Use your tongue. That's a good girl.

Oh Master I want to please you so badly. I hope I do.

And I do.

He spanks me again. At the end.

Spanks me with his spatula. And his hand.

And I wriggle. But he goes on.

He goes on way past the point that he would have usually stopped at before.

I stop making noises. Breathe. Pant, more like.

Into the pillow. Silent. But enjoying every spank that is delivered.

Yes. Enjoying the submission.

Helping my Dom with his Issues

Yes that's right.

He has issues. 

He doesn't engage. He disassociates. So it's my job to push for talks and be ready and open to whatever he has to say cos really, it's probably not something he's all too comfortable with in the first place - hence the reticence. And I am blessed with many years of practice in the art of non-judgement. The closer you are to my heart, the less judge-y I am. Everything he has to say is valid.

Also, he is evasive. When he thinks an answer might disappoint me or upset me, he rambles on or moves the conversation away to something else. In the past when I flared up I was told that I don't give it a chance... that I jump on stuff right away and if I had waited a little, he would have gotten the chance to say whatever it is that I expected him to say.

So last night I waited 45 mins before reminding him that I was still waiting for an answer. To TWO questions. That were rather time-sensitive. It involved coming and getting me from my sister's house. And if the answer was going to be no, then I would see to getting home myself. 

I recently taught my Dom that all questions are legit. And I seldom ask rhetorical ones. I didn't attack him, I was respectful and polite and maybe tried to be a little light-hearted even. Which worked out well, cos he admitted that evasion is an art that he is well-practised in. In retrospect I must say that was really quite a feat for me seeing as how I'm up to my eyebrows in festive preparations and baking AND I'm PMS-ing. 

*Takes a bow.*

You see, them Dom types aren't perfect. But we can help them to be perfect for us. Just as we try constantly to be perfect for them. 

(Someone remind me I wrote this post the next time I'm all bitchy and unreasonable ok? I'm in such a zen state right now - I wonder what else is in that decaf tea I'm drinking...)

Me? Inspiring?

Apparently I'm inspiring enough that I got nominated by a few people for the 

The Rules:

1. Display the award logo on your blog  

2. Link back to the person who nominated you 

3. State 7 things about yourself 

4. Nominated 15 other bloggers for this award & link to them 

5. Notify those bloggers & the award's requirements 

So here it is :

#1 - Done

#2 - Elle / Mrs D / Tori (so far, that I know of - Thank you, ladies!)
[More nominations came in later from Cassaundra and Young Lady - thank you both!]

#3 - See below

#4 and #5 - I'm blatantly ignoring this part of the award. I'm sorry if this means the chain dies here... but I've tried doing this in the past and ended up feeling so guilty leaving some people out... so I would like to say to everyone I read (---> on my blogroll on my right) that this is an open invitation to take part in this VIBA exercise too!

And here are my 7 things:

1) I like watching musicals - Sound of Music, West Side Story, Grease, Pirates of Penzance ...

2) I ended up collecting Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia by accident.

3) I would teach even if I didn't need the money.

4) I love my house - it is my sanctuary, and I'm convinced its spirit has a hold on me!  All of my boyfriends since I moved in have been of the "my house is off-limits" variety, for one reason or another, so I've never had to spend the night away from my own bed in the "stay-over at the boyfriend's place" way.

5) I make an awesome layer cake (sorry about this one, I'm in baking mode at the moment).

6) I dislike parents who make excuses for their kids. You're not doing them any favours!

7) I think donuts are the best food on earth!

And BIKSS knows that it's my weakness. So when he wants to make me feel special, in lieu of flowers, he brings me a bouquet of donuts! And then I swoon. :)

Snippets - Lunar New Year Edition

I will be busy with baking over the next two weeks. Not everyday, but every other day and whenever I can steal half a day to make the cake I make but once a year. 

This means I will be busy with rubber spatulas. And missing BIKSS every time I'm holding one. (I'm sure I don't have to make the connection for you right?)

I should also be seeing him tomorrow evening, but that's an if-fy plan, more on my part than his. I am supposed to bake 6 out of the 28 cakes (which is this year's count) tomorrow - and I'm hoping I'll get done by the mid afternoon. Which is when some new furniture is supposed to be arriving. Thankfully, mum will be here helping me. I appreciate the extra pair of hands. But that comes with a price tag, of course. 

Oh why oh why do I always get myself into these situations where I arrange for 5 and a half things to  happen within nano-seconds of each other? 

An old friend has decided she'll drop by to collect something for her daughter that I'm giving away - early evening she says. Great. I'll be home baking / arranging furniture / cleaning the house after said furniture is assembled anyway. 

In relationship news - the last 2 episodes that I went thru with BIKSS seemed to be missing that distinct "oh no he's going to leave me cos I'm so much trouble" flavour that has usually been present in prior difficult situations. We are both happy about this. Well, BIKSS is happy, I'm more surprised than anything.

We have booked our hotel for the upcoming trip. The floors are polished wood, which might make kneeling a little difficult, but his comeback to that was a very nonplussed We'll use a cushion. I suppose he doesn't see it as a problem. I would prefer a carpeted floor... but I'll be fine, I'm sure. 

As I was in the cab on the way home from work this evening, I stared out at the red light and was suddenly overwhelmed by how much he loves me. And how lucky I am to have him. When I told him later on how I was feeling, he said "You know all those times you were involved with other people? I always thought they were lucky to have you. Guess who I think is the lucky one now!" Isn't he the mushy one eh? I LOVE IT!

It also just dawned on me that knowing all the stuff he knows about me, seeing me thru all my breakups and relationships and flings, it must have taken him quite a large amount of courage to still want to get involved with me. He says he knew what I needed. And that he's no runner. I think that was the one thing that he figured was the biggest hurdle for me. Fear of abandonment. 

So I just wanted to say, I love you BIKSS! And I'm excited for the opportunity to celebrate your birthday with you!! Oh, and Valentine's Day :)

Also, I still love my Christmas paddle, I don't love the hairbrush, and BIKSS is probably torn between his Christmas paddle and the rubber spatula - he always ends up pulling BOTH of them out when he reaches into the implement drawer. *I'm curious to see which one wins ...*

In the meantime, thank you for nominating me, Elle-with-a-smiley, for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award... I'll try and get to it soon... but I just wanted to let you all know I might be a little MIA in the next few weeks. Cos after the Lunar New Year holiday we'll be off on our vacation!! I think we'll have at least one laptop between us tho, so updates shouldn't be a problem. 

In the meantime, go read up on the Masturbate-a-thon. I just LOVE their logo!

Pre Birthday Present

We got up bright and early and met for breakfast... then went to a Tech fair near our place... 

He needed a new hard disk and since his birthday is coming up, I said I'd get him one as part of his present!

It was actually such a good deal that I got one for myself too.

Hey, your birthday present shopping is turning out to be quite lucrative for me. Your massage is part of a couples package; this hard disk deal is almost 2-for-1, it'd be silly not to buy one for myself.

(I wonder what other things I'll be getting as part of BIKSS' birthday present. *Grin*)

Wanna go home and have sex?

That was loud...

Hee,hee, oops. It's ok. Some fella here's going to have a fun story to tell someone back home about what he overheard at work today.

And we did. We went home, I had an hour and a bit before I started work... he spanked me, then I gave Roger some seeing to....

But the man decided that it wasn't enough, so he stood up, instructed me to kneel on the floor and suck him off, then he placed my hands behind me, held me by my hair and fucked my face.

After half a minute he reached for the toys. Hands higher up. I moved my arms as much as I could farther up my back, and he began to smack my bottom as I sucked on him. 

I was so lost in the moment that when he stopped spanking me and gave me permission to use my hands to bring him to orgasm, it didn't register till a good 15 seconds later. Use your hands, he had said, but as I wasn't quite sure those were his exact words, after some time I eventually moved one hand, and dared to employ the other only when it was clear I didn't hear him wrong.

We did fuck a little later... and Roger was more than happy to pound into me a fair bit without  fear of cumming again too soon... and BIKSS let me scream and yell and holler into a pillow as much as I had the energy to. I LIKE this new thing that we're trying.

After a quick conversation and some more cuddles, he got ready to go... but not before suggesting that I put this particular question on my blog:

Dear ladies,

What is the likelihood of you going shopping (no matter how many stores you go to, one mall, one shop, a whole day's walking about, whatever..) and NOT actually buying anything?

It's still shopping, even if it's a hardware store, right?

I'm not exactly sure what point he's trying to make... but we did talk about how he thinks women meander too much when we shop, and so he doesn't enjoy "shopping" with members of the fairer sex. He maintains guys do NOT meander when they shop. However when I pointed out that we were wandering the hall of the Tech fair quite a lot and that constitutes meandering/shopping, he was adamant that poking around in Tech and IT, hardware, and videogame stores does NOT count as shopping.

I am inclined to disagree. Cos when I go into an IT warehouse, I'm wont to meander as much as when I'm in a shoe factory outlet! 

What do you reckon? Doesn't roaming around DIY / IT / Videogame shops count as "shopping" too?

[Edit: I know what that question for the ladies was all about now. His point is that men don't shop. And meandering around tech/blah/blah stores doesn't count as shopping cos there's no BUYING, just looking and research and getting ideas - most of the time - because he's convinced women always buy something when they shop. And so if I could garner enough names on the Yes-We-Shop-Without-Buying list then he'd accept that NOT BUYING still counts as shopping. Phew!]

Got to the Bottom of It

... and of course he got to my bottom too.

I'm sure I've used this pic before.

But first, he picked me up after work, I bought eclairs. He bought donuts. Clearly we think sweet pastries will help. At least we're on the same page there! After he parked we sat in the car and ate our eclairs. Then we came upstairs, and he sat on the couch and I knelt beside him and hugged his tummy. And it felt like my world was back on its axis again. I love being in that position, with his one arm around me and his other hand on my head. And we made some small talk - not awkward, mind you, just regular talk. We kissed, for a long time, and then I got up to make him a drink and hopped into the shower. 

After he had a shower too we convened in the bedroom. I lay down beside him and asked if we could talk about what happened. Yes, he said. And we did. We talked. After a bit of going around and exploring feelings when what was said and what was replied... and what was meant by what was said... we had a breakthrough, we realised what happened, and we made a plan going forward.

Here's the result of our debrief:

Yes, I somehow (blame the past, blame my childhood, whatever) get triggered into believing I'm being dismissed - unfairly so. 

Because he sometimes gets those "uh-oh" moments when I "accuse" him and then he freezes (although we did agree I was doing so very gently and lightheartedly)

Then that makes him reply in the most matter of fact manner he can because (we now agree) he's the King of Disassociation and can't say he did or didn't do something. Rather he prefers to say something happened or didn't happen. Tsk. 

Which makes me lose it and subconsciously (cos these things are never consciously done are they?) I go off on a tirade and start to push buttons because it's like he's just too proud to admit he made a mistake or forgot to do/check/sort out something.

And he admits that by this time he's adamant about NOT admitting any fault cos he's a guy and the Why-Should-I-Apologise gene has already kicked in by now.

So we will take the following steps:

1) If I'm having an emotional reaction to something I am to actually say I'm having a meltdown

2) If he is busy and therefore can't entertain me he will tell me rather than just giving me a one word answer that leaves me feeling left out in the cold

3) If I'm unhappy with how he's handling something cos of this disassociation thing (it's happened a few times, actually) I'll call him on it

4) If he thinks that I'm going off on a tirade and "pushing him into a corner" he'll call me on it.

And I'm happy to say it wasn't just a case of the man brain processing things differently and NOT GETTING IT. 

And after talking, as I was snuggling into him, he rubbed and smacked my bottom. I asked if it would be more convenient if I move to lie over him, and he said yes, so I did. And he continued to spank me. 

I MIGHT have used this pic before too. But it's so apt.

After a longish session, with not as many rubs as he used to give when we first started, he found a handle on my head in the form of my bunched up hair, and pulled me towards him for a very passionate kiss. The exact moment my lips met his, I felt everything melting away. The tension, the bad feelings, the hurt, the uncertainty, everything. Then he guided my face down towards his cock and had me service him with my mouth and tongue, while he pounded my pussy with his fingers, it wasn't teasing. It was an assault. My clit, my cunt, my sex. Everything belonged to him. 

I begged him to fuck me, I needed to feel him plunge into my dripping wet folds. He arranged me under him and entered me, making me feel the most open and available to him I've felt in a long time. I held on to him as he fucked me hard and unloaded himself into me. After that I wrapped my limbs around his torso and he lay on top of me, holding me, and letting me feel him.

We lazed a a bit, checked comments on the blog, looked at hotels on the web for our trip, talked about stuff, he nodded off, then came awake again and snaked his arm down towards my girlie bits. It was a funny angle and he didn't have much room, so as soon as I realised what, or should I say where he was headed, I hiked up one of my legs to give him access. I was rewarded with a Good girl whispered into the side of my face. I swear I could hear the lust in his voice. I wasn't wrong. He attacked my clit with a vengeance, not letting up. Again, no teasing. Just a full-on charge. He was in control. I shuddered, bucked, moaned - I was too caught up in the heat of it all to care but let me say, ordinarily I'd be embarrassed at the kinds of sounds I was making. 

When I couldn't take it anymore he put my hand on Roger and I was a little surprised (although I suppose I really shouldn't have been, considering he's ALWAYS horny) to find that he was ready again. 

Is Roger ready for pussy again?

His answer was loud and clear as he flung me on my back and thrust into me. He pulled a pillow over my mouth and gave me permission to make as much noise as I wanted, as he held it there and fucked me mercilessly, relentlessly, with such force as I've never seen / felt before. He was this sex-crazed creature, and I swear he was being ever more turned on by my muffled screams. He pounded into me as he came and when he lifted the pillow off all I could do was roll over to my side and pant. 

He curled up around me and we both agreed that that was very, very enjoyable!

Maybe we should think about a gag after all? Cos I really liked having my mouth covered like that. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've just moved an item from my hard limit list to my may-be-convinced-to-explore list. First when he stuck his fingers in my mouth I thought it was strange but after the 2nd or 3rd time I came to enjoy it. And now this? That's one more thing to put on my kinky shopping list.

All Kinds of Good and More Talking in Store

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Fondles and BIKSS are happy to announce that we've officially booked our holiday for next month! Whoopee! 

And this time it's not even a tag-along on a work trip. It's a REAL holiday. 4 days, 3 nights, and I get to wake up beside him on Valentine's Day!

Yesterday while browsing the local Groupon site he asked if I would go if he bought me a series of IPL hair removal treatments... and after some discussion we decided against it for various reasons. But the thought was super-duper sweet! 

In the end I asked him instead if he'd agree to a couples massage and back scrub at a nearby spa and he said YES!! So I Groupon-ed us a session as part of his birthday present!

Now the not so great bit...

Today I was kinda excited about something and I texted him to let him know that I found a website with the info I was looking for - and I sent him the link too! And he replied "I know." And I was a little crushed. Talk about feeling stupid. I had asked him about this a week ago and he didn't know then... so when I found out I thought I was doing him a service letting him know. His reply just made me feel so unneeded, and inconsequential. And useless. Anyway, so I was all like "You knew and you didn't tell me? I've been asking since last week." And his reply was "It was on the news, over the weekend I think... I forget, you don't necessarily read the news." 

What kind of explanation was that? I was hurt - that I was looking for the information and he'd heard and didn't tell me. And then when I told him all excited-like, he was all nonchalant about already having heard over the weekend. Makes a girl feel redundant. "Thank goodness I have Google and long bus rides... to find out things - cos some people don't share information!" Then I felt even worse when all I got was a "wink" emoticon in reply. Grrrr.

I started on the same track as I always do when I'm disappointed - making excuses for what had happened, "I bet you didn't think I saw it on the news, but if you forgot then that's ok". But that SO did not help.

"You do realise it's because of my old age right?" 

"Your forgetfulness? Yeah"

I admit it might have seemed passive-aggressive, the next thing that I said - 

"Just the "I know" sounded so thoughtless. Then I thought maybe you were busy and didn't realise I was waiting for some news about this thing. I kinda forget sometimes that you have a whole other life."  It might have just been my way of trying to explain to my feeling-small-inside self that I'm not always the first thing on his mind... that shot a stab through my chest again right now as I wrote it BTW - just like it did when I texted it to him this afternoon. 

"It was an honest oversight. One that could have occurred regardless of the situation." 

Followed by a "smirky" emoticon.

Dafuq is that supposed to mean? What situation? What oversight? By this time I'm standing in line at the bank with tears welling up in my eyes. Seriously, I couldn't be bothered to ask.

I kinda shut down. 

"Yeah I geddit. I was just excited to share this news you know, then I get that kind of reply. Talk about anti-climax." 

There you want me to be honest and tell you what I feel? That's what I felt.

"Didn't mean for that to happen." And a kiss emote. 

Huh? Mean for WHAT to happen? For me to feel like it was an anti-climax? Really... at this point I didn't want to text anymore. It would have been pointless. And I'd need to talk to him to sort this out. 

I admit I felt better a little... but I'm not done. I need to explore this some more I think. It sometimes takes a lot of prodding for him to say why he can't just say Oops, I made a boo boo, and I'm sorry. Rather than just shrug it off, or laugh it off, or joke it off. It feels like he doesn't think anything was wrong. When in fact I was really feeling awful. 

It really does make me feel 1) left out of the loop, 2) like I'm being petty and my feelings don't count or SHOULDN'T because it's such a small silly thing (and therefore worth laughing /joking about rather than just speaking plainly), or 3) like I should just NOT bother to share any stuff with him other than things directly involving him cos what would be the point? It's not like he bothers - which I know isn't true but sometimes I think it's easier to just shut him out and protect myself from having more of such run-ins - which sometimes also makes me want to just shut down this blog as well.

So, what I wanna know is -

a) did he see the info and just assume I'd see it too? 

b) did it just not click in his brain that I'd want to know?

c) did he make a mental note to tell me and then just forgot about it when we met?

And why, if it was any of the above, is my boyfriend just totally unable to say, 

Yeah it was announced on the weekend... so I thought you might have already heard too. Or 

I forgot you asked about that last week or I would have told you. Or

Oh, I know, heard it on the news this weekend... sorry, meant to tell you but forgot. 

It might be taking a little fleck and turning it into a whole mountain of stress, but if it troubles me, and causes me an icky-poo feeling, then it's gotta be worth delving into, isn't it? The bigger problem here is that I was genuinely upset and he just continued being "cute" about shrugging it off. Sigh. Men.

But all in all, I've been having a great coupla days. 

[We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow night (Thursday) instead of Friday cos something's happening then that he has to see to (I'm guessing he's had this information since last week - altho I could be wrong and someone could have changed the plan only recently- but because he can't plan anything to save his life I'm just going to roll my eyeballs and ignore it) so I'm gonna be trying to get to the bottom of this. And let me just say finding this out only tonight isn't exactly as thrilling as this kind of news should be especially when I'm already feeling yucky about what happened today. And that's also why I'm not asleep cos it's bugging me and I'm tossing and decided that I should just get it out here and maybe after this I'll be able to get some shuteye. I'm hoping I get some answers.]

Wish me luck. I'm going to try and get some sleep now.

So That Smoking Thing?

I want to be able to have a stick now and again. When I say now and again, I kinda mean once a month. And recently we had a bit of a breakthrough cos I said this is possibly the only thing that I know he really doesn't care for and therefore it's my one way of holding on to something that states very clearly that I am not 100% his, just as he cannot be 100% mine. 

I know it's kind of contradictory to the whole TTWD thing, but it's what works for us. Now if we were together 100% things would be different. But as it stands, we're not. He can't be. And I won't allow myself to be either. Can a relationship be calculated? To some degree. Is this a childish tit for tat thing? Perhaps, to some.

I talked about trade-offs previously in a reply to Mr Woods' comment in this post. And I believe the ability to make my own decision on smoking is just my way of holding on to some part of myself. Sure there are other things that he's got me submitting to him in, which I could hold back instead, but those things are either a result of us being together now (and therefore automatically taken care of - my wild child self-damaging lifestyle is long gone!) or stuff that don't matter too much to BIKSS anyway (like sleeping before 3am). 

notice the heart shape in the wall?  

When I read Ward's post today about shutting down and distancing, and how both parties were responsible for keeping themselves and their partners from distancing, it reminded me of a conversation I had with BIKSS when we finally got to the bottom of this smoking matter.

In regards to Kitty's own smoking habit, Mr Woods says he will "wall those emotions off in myself so that she doesn't have to build any walls herself. I'll wall off the pain in my chest that I feel every time I know she's had one, so that she can keep herself totally and completely open to me, as she should." 

BIKSS wanted me to continue to tell him if I had a smoke and he was prepared to do the same. But I wouldn't have it that way. It wasn't a solution I was comfortable with. I didn't want to be responsible for causing him that stab of pain, and knowing that he has to wall that away just so that I would continue to be honest with him. 

In fact, it got to a point where I said there are many things he doesn't get jurisdiction over - family, household affairs, money matters etc. - and when situations arise in these areas of my life I deal with them myself. I don't bring them to him. I don't seek his advice all the time, or rely on him to think and work it through with me, to make the best decision for me/us because in these areas there IS no us. It's just ME. And if my smoking occasionally isn't something that he can accept without building a wall, then we'll just take it off the table entirely, the way some of the other things are completely out of his purview. 

I know it's a little unfair that I want to make him FEEL ok with it. But in the end we got back to the old rule of talking about it (and boy, this one sure took months of talking) and even tho the matter itself evolved over the larger part of a year, in the end I think he recognised that it was because I needed to hold on to it to protect myself from totally giving myself to a relationship that I might later be resentful towards, and I realised that he was just afraid that I'd go back to being a regular all-the-time smoker. 

So eventually he understood why I felt the need to hold on to it - the CHOICE to smoke, not the actual smoking - and I understood his absolute dislike for my wanting to smoke. And as long as I know that I have that liberty, and he knows that I will not go back to full-time smoking, we can now be ok with it. He's said that I don't have to tell him. That he trusts that I will not make it an all-the-time thing, and I will be careful about doing so only occasionally. On my part, I've assured him that it's not that I want to smoke all the time or anything, I just want to know that if I choose to have the occasional stick it won't be the cause of some major heart-breaking catastrophic episode for him. 

I said I'd like to still tell him, if that's ok with him, and he said yes. Remember when I talked about how he said to trust him? Even tho I thought he was just "giving up" or giving in, that in fact he had a change of heart and was now ok with it? This is what we were talking about. And I was so afraid that he was lying - that he would just be saying he's ok with it when really he'd actually still be dying inside and walling up the hurt and ... oh, yeah, did I ever tell you I could be overly-dramatic? So the bottom line is he says he's ok with it, and I trust that it's the truth.

So, yeah. This whole post is really just me realising and sharing what I've learnt - he isn't immune to building walls, and I'm well within my rights and even obliged, in fact, to make sure that he doesn't go putting them up, whether or not he thinks it's for anyone's good. Walls aren't allowed - for either of us. Talking is. And I think I'm slowly believing that no matter what the issue is, we'll always be able to sort it out together. It might take longer than one or two conversations, as evidenced by THIS saga... but I'm convinced we'll ALWAYS get there in the end.

(P.S. He's being SO communicative these days I'm over the moon!! Yeah BIKSS!!)

Preventing a Future Fight

I have absolutely NO self-discipline when it comes to my heart. Like seriously. Can you tell? Weak weak weak! 

So all this time I was scrambling about feeling frazzled from the tug of war between keeping myself free for BIKSS vs doing what I need to do for myself remember? Then I finally decided that I should just do what I need to do in order not to feel disappointed when BIKSS can't make it after I've changed my plans to suit his? 

OK so I was supposed to teach on Monday. He was gonna come around for dinner. 

BUT he came early. And surprised me. And I couldn't bear the thought of him being here just hanging out in the next room while I taught for 3 hours when I get so little time with him... so I shifted my classes - easy enough since I was still sick anyway. 

The thing is, if I weren't sick, I'd be really upset by it. THIS is exactly what I meant - I don't want a situation to arise where I have to scramble to change my plans for him. And admittedly he didn't ask me to. But I'm not wired that way. I wouldn't be able to teach in peace. It's just me, ok?

So I told him so. That I'm not strong enough to go ahead and teach knowing you're here and yet NOT spending that time with you. So we agreed next time I just shouldn't schedule anything on Mondays since that's my official day off AND the day he's most likely to be done with work early(ish) and be able to spend a good number of hours with me... and I also told him that in future if I had class or he knows I'm supposed to be busy, don't drop in and expect me to be fine with him sitting around here while I work cos I can't do it. 

He understands and hopefully there won't ever come a time when this happens again and I get stressed out. The thing is - he (and some of you) probably didn't think it would upset me - and in fact, I was thrilled that he got here early! - but I needed to let him know that I just CAN'T handle such a situation and that would make me get worked up thinking "See THIS is why I don't want to make my own plans cos then you show up and I'll have to cancel things to make space for you!"  Again, a me thing, not a him-asking-me-to thing. 

So given that THIS is the way my brain processes any opportunity for us to spend time together, I thought it best to just tell him so, instead of trying to work out contingencies on my own. 

(Sorry about the ramble... I'm not feeling very organised and systematic at the moment. I blame the flu.)

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Well, he said rest, and take it easy. And I read that a positive mental attitude helps one fight diseases - you know, healthy mind, healthy body? But I don't think he meant Go get your Dom to spank you.

So BIKSS came around early. I cancelled the replacement classes I was supposed to have today cos I still am rather weak and prone to falling asleep as long as I'm still for anything longer than 10 mins. 

He found me lying on the couch and watching Fringe (I'm trying to finish Season 5) and after he got out of his work clothes, came and cuddled with me on the couch. 

After chatting a little he said he wanted to spank me. I was all like, no, later, not now, my show hasn't ended, and he was rather insistent. Not something I see very often - but something I can definitely appreciate. He said I could put it on pause and come back to it after he spanked me. So I froze the media player, put the empty snack box in the sink and went into the room to join him. 

He was lying on the bed and motioned for me to lie across his tummy. I pulled my shorts off and did so, as he got comfortable and exposed my bum cheeks (I still had my panties on). Then he spanked me with his hand. Languidly. It was so relaxed and easy-going, not to say it didn't hurt. But there seemed to be a wonderful sense of ease and fluidity to today's session. I think it must have been halfway thru when I asked him why he wanted to spank me.  He said it occurs to him that he likes spanking me, and he should do it more often - as often as he can, in fact. 

Of course I pushed some more... Why? I asked... 

You often say, when we've had an issue arise, or an episode, that you feel as if I don't spank you enough. That you want that connection.

This is true. I think what it is is that I get plenty of playtime erotic spankings... but not so much of the other kind - maintenance/role affirmation. And I DO miss that. It's different when we play with the toys we have and it's all a lead up to sex. Or rather, when we KNOW it's going to lead up to sex. The other kind doesn't necessarily - not immediately anyway.

This picture speaks to me

So I think I should spank you every chance I get, more regularly, and keep you feeling connected. Before you have a chance to doubt, or let your mind wander and think things that you shouldn't be thinking. Plus, I like spanking you. 

Right, I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of it. The sweetest thing to happen to me all week. After he was done, I crawled back to lie beside him and tucked myself into the crook between his outstretched arm and the side of his torso, happy to be his. 

He's right too. This sort of spanking makes me feel taken care of, treasured, like I matter to him a great deal. And I suspect it'll keep me more emotionally tethered to him and less likely to flip out. We'll see.

Oh - yes, we had sex after that...he spanked me with the Christmas paddle, and asked me who I belong to, and had me pinch and pull my own nipples while he fucked me -  but that's a whole other story.  :-)

Being Sick - A Snippet

If your timing fits then come over. It's too much of a rush or things get in the way then it's ok - I know it's a tight window.

Well, I can come over for dinner, an hour or so...

Hey, what did I say I wanted for dinner tomorrow, huh? I forgot...

You didn't. We ended up talking about ice cream

Oh that's right... I mentioned dinner and then you said you could try and get ice cream along with dinner. Oops.

Heh. Ok, I should get to bed soon. Need to be at work early tomorrow. 

Ooooh, good luck with your thing he has to do tomorrow - knock 'em dead!

Will do.. (Kiss emote) Thanks. Sleep well.

Love you ----- it feels like I haven't seen you in forever!

Love you too sweets, I'll see you in a bit.

(emotes, emotes, and more emotes)

And I think we need to get Conina's flogger out later.

I'm still sick you know.

Your ass isn't.

OK, It was on IM not on the fone, but I like this pic!

Home Alone and Oh So Quiet

Some of  you will have noticed that I usually have stuff to write about after Monday and Friday cos those are the days I usually see BIKSS.

But unfortunately for us, this week was a little different cos I've come down with laryngitis.  The rest of the world gets a flu but I have to lose my voice while I'm at it. Hrmph.

We were supposed to meet up on Thursday night but I told him earlier that day that I was beginning to feel a little under the weather, and since someone in his family happened to be travelling this weekend, it might not be such a good idea to meet in case he passed it to them. 

I think he may have been impressed / moved by my thoughtfulness (hey, I try!!) but I honestly didn't feel like it was going to be a quick 24-hour bug and the last thing I wanted was to pass it to BIKSS or anyone else.

So I came straight home from work on Thursday evening, ate some cup noodles (that's my comfort food whenever I'm feeling ill), and popped some pills before hitting the sack. Went to see the Doc on Friday morning and sauntered in to school to pass them the doctor's note and sort out some details for the day's classes - I was in no condition to teach. On the way home I had to go past a warehouse sale... so of course since it was en route to the bus stop, I took a detour and managed to pick up a cute top for half the original price. :-)

Heh. I told BIKSS I was going to pop into the sale and take a look, and he didn't fuss so that was all the permission I needed. 

After that I came home, put away my stuff and vegetated on the couch. Between watching Fringe and craving for foods I shouldn't be eating, I did nothing else besides drift in and out of sleep. 

I had a class today. It was all pointing and hand gestures but she's an older kid and is easy to teach. And then I cancelled everything else so that I can rest and vegetate on the couch.

I'm supposed to be back in school tomorrow so wish me luck and a speedy recovery cos I can't afford another sick day. We have horrid staff welfare in this country. Grrrr.

In the meantime, thanks for reading about my totally boring weekend.

Follow Friday Jan 18th 2013 - And I'll Eat More Fish

This week Rachael Lee popped over to say hi and asked if I would follow her too - so here she is, and you guys might want to go over and encourage her to write a little more!!

I understand how it can be discouraging to write often if one feels that no one's reading... so it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation isn't it?

It's called Our Distant Love and tells you about how they met and how she spanks herself for him! Ouch. That's gotta hurt!

Ok, that fish thing? That's just me being happy that I'm back at 63kg and I've made another resolution - to eat more fish when I can. I love cooking, but I hate prepping and cooking fish. So the way around it, I think, is that whenever I eat out I'll make an effort to choose a fish dish. Omega 3s here I come!

[UPDATE : for some reason there's a notice saying the blog has been removed. I hope it's just a temporary setback and she'll be back soon. In the meantime... feel free to pick a resource from the list on the right --> I've just added "The Black Toy Chest".]

Hand Prints - Framed

Remember the spanking knickers? 

I wore them for BIKSS all excited last night, after our walk, and he decided we would try them out. 

Somewhere along the line he decided the exposed flesh being "framed" by the knickers would make a nice picture so he decided to do a repeat performance of the LOL day handprints. Here it is...  If you look closely enough, you'll see some faint finger prints on the left cheek too!

After we were done with spanking, amidst the usual Fondles-can't-shut-up chatter, we got back onto a touchy subject from before (which I sooo won't bore you with cos it's been done to death!) and in the end after navigating some roundabouts we finally managed to come to a compromise. But the more important thing that emerged from that conversation is I finally realised I have trust issues! 

So I can trust him (and my partners/boyfriends in general) in a lot of ways and about many things. But with some other things - particularly when there is a change of mind or heart - I find myself questioning if he's only "agreeing" with me because I nagged / manipulated / goaded / guilted / convinced him into doing so. That is, if he was unhappy about something before, and then after a time he came around into thinking it's not so bad after all, I can't help but wonder if that's just him giving up and resigning himself to the helplessness of fighting with me. Cos I always feel like there's BOUND to be some resentment there if it was. 

Anyway he said something important to me - after convincing me that he was ok/ comfortable with his decision, and I was still sobbing cos I felt like something wasn't right - he said I had to just trust him. To trust that we were good and there's no resentment cos it's the truth and how do I know that's the REAL truth? I just have to TRUST HIM. 

Oh. It's that simple. 

Mid Week Peek

Spanking Knickers anyone? 

yup that's my tush!

If you're a Small - US sizing (I'm a 6-8), and would like one, I'd be happy to send it to you - email me so we can work out the details. Unfortunately they're one-size-fits-most aka "free size" (that's what it's called here) so that's all I can get. 

Comes in 4 colours, Black, White, Red, Royal Blue. And there's some print on what little fabric can be found.

He Came Thru

I will be honest. After last week I was seriously stressing out. Maybe that's what caused me to toss and turn all of Saturday night. I had 2.5 hours' sleep before having to go to work for my longest day of the week. 

Still, this is a story about my birthday. Not about all the angst before. Hm... it'll be a long one, so maybe I should just do it in point form...

The Before

~ I painted my nails and coloured my (greying) hair.

~ Suggested eating nearby then when I asked him his original plan he said he already had somewhere in mind

(10 points)

~ So we went to his plan.

~ Hinted at what to get me as a gift if he hadn't already sorted that out. Turns out he had. (10 points)

~ Planned outfit with Fiona via text (so girly right???)

The Dinner

~ He enquired before-hand (5 points) and they said no reservations were necessary.

~ He rang all day today to make one just in case it got crowded at dinnertime. (5 points)

~ No one picking up all day. He got to the restaurant early to check - before meeting me. (10 points)

~ They were closed for a company D&D. Thwarted! 

~ "Where are you now little girl?" (Made me swoon... almost! Made me wet - definitely!) (50 points)

~ He came to find me and explained that we had to eat elsewhere. Still Japanese food though - my favourite.

~ The food was scrumptious , the company was spectacular, the conversation was sparkling. (30 points)

~ He decided we weren't taking the train and spending all that time commuting. So into a cab we went. 

~ He didn't take the car today so he could stay out later than he usually does on Mondays. (20 points)

The Play Date

~ He sorted out the ginger (10 points)

~ I was cuffed (10 points)

~ My birthday spanking went on forever! And it was more ouch-y than normal too! (20 points)

~ And then the figging. Oh My Good Ness. It wasn't hot. It was more like COLD - like menthol - minty. Hahaha that's how I'd describe it anyway. He left it in there and spanked and caned and spatula'ed and belted and porto-spanko'ed and Christmas paddled me. Then he fucked my ass with it. I was screaming, moaning; there were moments I was totally out of it - my body just relaxed and everything went slack. I was so afraid of clenching that my butthole was paralysed in an open position! He said dirty things to me. Then he whispered into my ear how I was to cum for him later. (Do you hear me? Yes or no? Um, can you repeat that? I wasn't listening...) Then I'd get to be fucked. I whimpered and groaned and made them whiny sobbing noises but without any tears. I sat back, then I rocked forward, I had no where to escape, but I didn't really want to either. When he finally announced he was done and pulled it out, I was relieved and a little bit sorry it had to end. But I came for him, "like the good slut (I am)" and he held me and cuddled me till the room came back into focus. "You promised one more thing..." I begged... "That you'd get to be fucked? Get on your back." (250 points)

~ He shaved everything off - for my birthday! (20 points)

~ More sex... um, and then some cock-worship, and then more fucking... then more sucking on Roger... You get the picture. (30 points)

The After (a.k.a.Post-Coital Cuddles)

~ We practised using words to convey how he feels. (50 points)

~ "When I'm not with you I check Whatsapp to see if you've come online to look for me" (40 points)

(See Master? I did NOT know that!)

~ He thinks of me as His Girl. (Fondles *claps* like a mad woman)

~ "I really like how you service me when I'm with you" - he meant how I dote on him. We have a word for it in Malay - Sayang. As a verb it kinda means "the act of showing affection and love" (10 points) - This was after some misses in the beginning including "I really like how your boobs look naked" (!...?) 

~ "When I'm not with you I wonder what you're doing now... and now... and now..." 

Me: Wow. You think about me a lot huh?

Him: Uh huh - almost all the time. Well, except when I'm very busy. (30 points)

(I wouldn't have guessed!)

~ We opened my present. From a very reputable jeweler. It's a 22K gold pendant. Remember the dolphins? Same jeweler. "Oh, but I already have a pendant that you gave me and I don't have any more necks!" Well my solution is that I wear them all together - he insists I don't have to, but I WANT to. Besides, I'm in the business of teaching music - I'm allowed to be artsy and bohemian and wear everything at once. (40 points)

~ I felt so special knowing this man sucked at buying gifts (his words not mine) and went and thought and stressed and floundered and got me one anyway. 

~ Some of his other options: and why they got vetoed-

1) Earrings (I'm an earring slut) : What if you already had one which is similar? Or didn't like the colour? Or had nothing to match it with? 

2) Lipstick (I mentioned wanting to vamp it up earlier this year) : Do you know how many shades of red there are? I'd pick red cos it'll pretty you up and look good on Roger :) BUT what if you didn't like it, or already HAD it?

3) Lingerie (I assume for his viewing pleasure) : I don't know what size you are... 

~ I told him that from now on I'll either tell him what a want... or I'll give him a list. We talked through some of the possibilities and came to one conclusion - he shops like a gay man. Metro-sexual is my Dom. 

~ We had a conversation about MONEY. I hate talking about things that involve money. It often gets awkward. This one didn't. (50 points)

~ He mentioned stealing away together for a real vacation (not as an aside during a work trip) in Feb and I was checking to find out what the financial arrangements would look like. I didn't want him to spend too much and I said I could sort out my plane ticket. He offered to subsidise that, but I said if he could just sort out the room I would be good to go. He stated very plainly that he'd already planned to cover the hotel. Aaaaand he'd been checking the travel websites to keep an eye on ticket prices cos we'll be travelling during a high season and prices might go up. (100 points) 

~It made me smile to know he'd been constantly keeping track of our vacation! OUR vacation!) 

And there you have it. My perfect evening birthday evening with BIKSS. 

Not Enough

by Shanina Conway

All the stolen moments in the midst of real life cannot compare
To the what-if of daydreams
To imagining that I am yours and you are mine

Every kiss signals a wanting for a hundred more
A thousand
Unlimited kisses and touches and hugs

Before the bed is warmed by our bodies, it is time for you to leave
And there is an emptiness beside me once again

I want more
For me
For us
Of us

Maybe this is enough for you
For now

And maybe it will be all I ever have of you

But know this,  it will never be enough for me...
For I will never have enough of you.

Talking Through It

Thursday night ended with a flurry of texts flying between our fones. I was disappointed that he couldn't come out walking with me. I had dinner plans that got cancelled, and would have gone to see my cousin off, but when the chance to see BIKSS presented itself, I jumped at it. 

And when it didn't happen I was upset. That led to some anger. And blame. And words. And frustration. And more words. Some pissy, some not. And eventually it got better.

So - over the last few posts I've learned some lessons, found out some stuff, made some decisions, and gotten some ideas.. 

1) Do what I need/want to do. And if I can't say OK if he wants to meet on short notice then I shouldn't feel bad about it. 

2) Don't plan walks together cos those are the MOST likely things to get cancelled. So if I'm walking, I'll tell him before I do and if he can come out, he can come out. And if he doesn't, well, I was going to walk anyway. 

3) Mondays seem to be the least likely in the no-show department. So maybe we'll just try and plan dinners / meetings on Mondays. 

4) I'm not sure what the Friday situation is, but I think that's a 50-50 rate of success type of thing. 

5) If he wants to meet or plan something, ask him what's the likelihood of this actually coming to fruition - is it a definite I-already-have-an-alibi thing, or a I-plan-to-but-I'm-not-sure intention.

6) Things at his house don't happen the same way things happen in my house. My family tells each other stuff way in advance and as soon as we know - Your dad and I are having dinner with your uncle next Sunday; I'm celebrating my birthday with the ex-classmates on Tues; Mary and Mike are gonna be in school till late on Fri. And this is a system that I'm totally and completely used to. Over in his house things sometimes don't get said till the morning of the same day. It baffles me, but er, what can I do right?

7) Which brings me to this - I can't fix him, or them, or anyone else. And I can't do anything about anyone else except me. So I'm just gonna have to change things that I can control in order to limit disappointment, increase success rate, and keep upsets to a minimum. 

8) Switching back to sub mode when he does come around isn't as hard... especially not when he comes and gets me from work, waits on my floor on the other side of the mall and surprises me by appearing before my eyes while I'm on the fone with him cos I called when I got done as I was told to do. 

9) Tuna in chilli and oil tastes awesome with spaghetti.

10) Men can carry a heck lot more groceries than I can. 

Which actually is really about last night - I wore a lilac set yesterday, and when we get home I typically hop into the shower. But I wasn't sweaty at all last night, so after a light hand spanking over his lap on the couch I was reluctant to let a pretty set go to waste. 

He got me into the room and I presented on the bed - and he spanked me some more. With his belt, with his hand, employing some new trick where he pushes up one finger against my pussy and spanks across both cheeks over that with his other hand. 

Some went by slowly, others quickly. One set made my toes curl - literally. He saw it and made a remark. 

Then he had me undress, as did he, and climbed over me positioning his cock at my entrance as I lay on my back looking up at him. He pushed in slowly, nudging, searching... and when his head was just about engulfed by my lips he thrust the rest of the way in.

Roger feels angry! 

Does he? Why?

Feels like he's exacting revenge on my pussy.

Hmmm why would he? 

 Cos she's been a naughty pussy?

.....You can imagine the rest. 

He stopped and tortured me by moving in an out only very slightly, just enough for me to need more, but not so still that I could forget there was an intruder in my folds - until I begged him to fuck me silly. Yes, in those words. I was all needy - and if I didn't feel subby before, this surely did the trick!

He made me repeat it a few more times before he resumed his rhythmic plunging. 

After he came I leaned over him and cleaned him up with my tongue. 

As we lazed and talked I apologised for forgetting that it's hard for him too. I get carried away with wanting him all to myself and I forget to be grateful for the times that he does spend hours with me. I suppose I really will have to learn to get used to (or at least tolerate) this habit of last minute relaying of information. 

I touched Roger after a bit, and sucked him, and unlike his usual slutty self (which is normally content with being in ANY hole) he specified this time that he wanted more pussy. So BIKSS got up, had me on my knees at the edge of the bed and doggie-styled me. 

The rest of the evening was pleasant... we measured the circumference of his shaft (yes you heard correctly), played with the tape measure (soft type that tailors use), went to the 24-hour store in flip flops to buy tuna and chilli in a can, walked past the 24-hour grocer and picked up a good sized piece of ginger that he has plans for this Monday, and we ate spaghetti with tuna while watching Honey Boo Boo on youtube - don't google it. Really. If I really wanted to share it I'd embed the video. 

Or hyperlink it. 

No, just don't. 

Then he mentioned not having the car on Monday so that he could spend a little more time with me over dinner and after - so instead of going to town for my treat I suggested an eating place a little nearer to my place, that's still relatively unknown and would be less risky in the being seen together department. 

Which makes me feel a little like, hey - YOU were supposed to plan the dinner treat and just whisk me away to a yummy birthday celebration, but again, I suppose it's just something I have to accept. The man is NOT about celebrating occasions. He does romantic gestures and surprises enough on regular days. But he just can NOT understand the concept of the Special Occasion. 

Still, we live and learn. It's been the first Christmas, the first New Year's Day, and now the first Birthday together. Next time round I'll be prepared... with a list of options. Or something. *Shrug* 'Cos hey, he may be the world's best cuddler, but P-L-A-N-N-I-N-G is the thing I do innit?