The Thing about Twiddling

You know that post-coital cuddle where you're both just lying and touching and smiling like idiots? 

Sometimes BIKSS seemingly carelessly twiddles my nipple(s).

Yeah yeah, I'm his, he can do what he wants with my body, his body, I understand this. Particularly when I'm horny. Or wet. Or being spanked. 

But when there isn't sex (or spanking) on the horizon, a part of me floats back up to the surface that I'd buried long ago. 

Settle in for some history:

My very first boyfriend, the one who took my virginity as-good-as by force, never missed an opportunity to grope. Yes grope. It wasn't classy, it wasn't romantic, it wasn't dominant. It was clumsy and immature. He'd be trying to molest me in all the wrong places. I don't mean places on my body, but places as in when we're out in public - on the escalator, on the bus, I was a little more than put off by his over-eager handsy-ness. 

I was 17 and he was 21 at the time. Now that I've got 2 decades on him I realise he was still a child. But back then he seemed way older than I was and should have known better. Yet I had to always push his hand away, turn my back to him, or playfully slap his arm so he'd stop. 

His actions, along with his opinions about my being friends with other guys (they're just friends with you cos they wanna get you in bed), going to college (why waste time if you're not going to need a diploma), and wanting to be a teacher (work? what work? when we're married you'll stay home and look after the kids...) reinforced the notion that I (and women in general) was nothing to him but a pair of tits and a pussy on legs, only good for cleaning house and incubating younglings.

Now don't get me wrong, I have fought like hell to purge these thoughts. God knows I know there isn't an ounce of truth in them. But for some reason whenever a partner (yes, he wasn't the only one) fondles me "out of context" (meaning, not as part of a sexual interlude) I get a little bit uncomfortable (read: defensive / irritated / annoyed / panicky / defensive... wait, did I say that already?) and try to stop it because the words that pop into my head in bright neon lights are "I'm NOT just a pair of tits and a pussy!"

Right. History lesson over. 

Cut back to today: 

Today I told BIKSS a little bit about this whole twiddling thing. I feel like I'm at my most submissive when I'm horny. And I'm most horny when I'm in sub mode. I know, I know, it's a circle that doesn't really have a beginning nor an end. But as I was saying, when those two things are in play, touching me isn't an issue AT ALL!

But aside from allowing him to touch me when sex is on the cards (that's the horny bit), or when he gets into Dom mode (and I feel very submissive), I want to be his little girl all the time -which INCLUDES accepting his touch - ALL the different kinds, twiddling too! And not just when I feel like it. Or when I'm ok with it. Because in my desire and in my heart I want to be totally available to him. But sometimes my self-defence mechanism kicks in and my brain wins the battle. 

So I finally asked him if he would help me push through this. I think if he started twiddling and I looked like I'm about to bolt, it might help recondition my thinking if I associate it with being loved and owned,  rather than thinking that I'm nothing to him but sex on legs. Of course this would involve some serious verbal reassurance.

BIKSS promised to help, but not before also telling me that sometimes it's ok for me to feel like I'm not in the mood for his twiddling, and that he doesn't feel rejected or slighted, and he reassured me that he knows sometimes his babygirl just wants to be left alone. 

The man is a softie. When he wants to be. When he thinks I need him to be. :)

Some of the history might be news to BIKSS, we didn't have much time to go into details and such earlier. So Daddy, this was for you as much as it was for my blogland friends :)