I'm So Excited

"Hope" is the thing with feathers... is the line I've been hearing a lot recently. I listen to Dear Hank and John, the podcast, and John Green uses this line often (from the Emily Dickinson poem which is titled for that first line). And I like it a lot.

Here is the poem -

“Hope” is the thing with feathers

BY EMILY DICKINSON

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me.

You can read an analysis of it HERE. 

Yes, indeed MY little "hope" bird has been singing its heart out. And today I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. The hospital's home-visit team came in today to do an assessment and see how they can help better support the transition from hospital to home, and we got SO many questions answered. The doctor and nurse who came were lovely people; and this was clearly not their first rodeo. 

In the end they said they would arrange for a physical therapist to come in and try to help with mum's stability and strength so she can stand a bit better, helping us to help her when she needs to move from chair to bed to commode etc. They're getting the hospital's dietician to write them a memo so they can officially put mum's nutritional supplement ON THE LIST so we won't have to pay full price for it. They're going to get me a letter stating that I NEED A SECOND CAREGIVER so that the government will allow me to apply for one (there's a limit on these things so people don't just use them as cheap labour for other things). They checked my newly acquired  medical financial assistance letter and informed me that I wouldn't have to pay for these home visits OR for the physical therapist. (It would have otherwise cost me $65 per visit even after the existing subsidies I have.) AND most importantly the doctor adjusted mum's clonazepam dose. And they'll come by again to see how she does on the new dosing. I also have a contact number that I can ring for help, instead of having to call the medical centre and leave a request for mum's usual geri - the useless one - to call me back the next day or whatever.

As for paying for the second caregiver, well, it's going to cost me about 1 grand. At the moment I'm waiting for the first 2 grants to get approved, which will give me $300 monthly. I'm also going to see the social worker tomorrow about getting mum's thickener put on the "have to buy" list so I can use my medical financial assistance thing to pay for it instead of having to pay out of pocket. At the same time I'll ask her about activating mum's eldercare insurance thing that the government made everyone do via a monthly premium taken out of our salary. That one pays out $300 monthly for 5 years. So that takes care of $600. The rest of the money? 

My current caregiver, the bright spark that she is, said, "With another person to help out here at home, I won't need you to be here all the time to help me anymore. You can go to work! Teach more! Work part time? Do something to earn that $400! It'll be easy, and you don't have to worry about mama at home cos there'll be 2 of us!"

That is VERY true. Besides, the daily one-hour home care I've arranged every morning so that my caregiver has an extra pair of hands to help with mum's wake-up routine is already costing me $600 a month. These things are WAY expensive. 

With the second live-in caregiver I would save that money, AND have extra help round the clock. 

So that is the plan moving forward. I am hopeful. I can finally hear its song.

(art by Jefry Maviskho)

 

The Mama's Back and My Food Log

We managed to get mum's flu vax and second pneumonia jab done on the morning of her discharge. Cos that's how disorganised they were in the ward. 

So far she's been calm, but bored, I think. 

I've sent off for some poppers and spinners for her to fidget with. (Similar to the ones here - )

But in the meantime she has a clipboard with some different textured / coloured string attached to it which she's loving. She's always enjoyed playing with string-things... elastic bands, hair ties, bits of twine from a package, even a necklace or bracelet. She winds and unwinds it around her fingers absentmindedly as she's reading or watching tv. 

We've also got some handroller massager things that she's having fun with. So for now I'm hoping that's enough to amuse her. 

She's eating well, and thank goodness, sleeping thru the night. Last night, anyway. 

While she was in the hospital we managed a few more dinners and lunches - 

Last Tuesday we went to a hilltop restaurant for lunch with a view. It wasn't bad. The food was better than I expected, and Roz, look away. 

I think that was the Fisherman's Stew (seafood in lobster bisque) and a Cobb salad. 

Then we had tea in a  popular cafe, but we both agreed the confections were sucky and decided never to go there again. 

That's a gluten free lavender earl grey something cake, and a chocolate eclair that was dry and hard and even BIKSS made a face - and he loves ALL (ok, almost all) chocolate eclairs!

Dinner was  light and easy - we drove past a place called Blue Balls and thought it was hilarious cos we were talking about blue balls at lunch! LOL. It's a newly opened bicycle bistro, hence the name. We bought two wraps to go and drove back home where we ate them in bed! There's a tex-mex one which I chose and the pink thing is a mediterranean one with beet tortilla.

______________________________

I spoke too soon. While writing this post the caregiver came and got me cos mum was restless and talking non stop... and I spent 2 hours dozing in the bed with mum. That is, *I* was dozing. She was awake. Tremor-ing. But at least she was calmer with me there. 

I'm thinking maybe I go sleep in her bed tonight. But then when my alarm goes off at 6 everyone's gonna get up. And that may not be the best thing. 

So I'll wrap up here and see what she's doing. If she's awake and calm I'll leave her and go to bed. But if she's talky talky and up and down again then I'll go lie in bed with her and deal with the 6am alarm when it happens. 

______________________________

But before I go, here are some chickens I spotted in the carpark at work this morning. We've been seeing more and more chooks recently... I wonder what's going on. It's also very strange to see chickens on an asphalt road!

And this evening since mum was OK earlier, I asked BIKSS if he was up for a quick bite. These days it's a bit difficult for me to plan anything more than 1 hour ahead of time. 

We went hunting for chips and sparkling grapefruit water (the unsweetened kind), nuts, nuts and more nuts, from 3 different stores in the same mall (Scoop wholefoods being one of them), and then we ended up at a chain Vietnamese restaurant cos I had a hankering for Bun Cha. 

We decided on the lemongrass chicken version instead of the meatballs tho, cos the water chestnut meatballs sounded interesting and we wanted to try that. And there is such a thing as too many meatballs. 

5 stars for flavour, 1 star for not being able to taste nor bite into any water chestnut bits despite its name.

The bun cha with chicken - I think it's fabulous that the online order form gave you the option of a well cooked egg instead of a runny one, and they had little boxes you could check off if you didn't want a specific garnish or ingredient like crushed garlic, peanuts, or coriander etc. I opted out of the coriander. Yuck. 

'Twas our first time at this chain  tho we'd seen a couple of their other outlets. The food was definitely yums, and it was pretty decently priced for the portion size.  The next time I have a Bun Cha craving I'm definitely coming here. (Unless I can go to that little Vietnamese-run hole in the wall we discovered by accident while eating the best Italian meatballs in the world.)

And now I shall go see what's up with the mama.

Respite

Comes at a cost. The mum is in hospital. She had a tumble last Thursday. The doctors keep asking me how she fell - cos she's anxious and nervous and agitated and confused, that's how. 

Good news - no fracture. But they assured me they would keep her for observation and trial some new drugs to see if they can help with the delirium and sleep issues.

Yesterday I heard from the occupational therapist that there was talk of discharging her. 

Wait a goddammned minute. What? 

There has been no update from the doctor, I presumed because they wanted to wait and watch before dumping new meds in her, but now that it's been 5 days all they want to do is send her home? With the same meds as before? So what was the point? What's the care plan? 

I'm furious. I'm not accepting that. Told the nurse to have one of the doctors call me because I want to know what they're going to do about her condition. And if they're not going to do anything then I'm going to run off to a GP to get some clonazepam to try and treat this suspected Lewy Body Dementia thing myself. 

Meanwhile, I'm on a day's sick leave today cos my whole body is aching like a bitch. I spent a good portion of yesterday moving furniture around to make space for a geriatric chair - which we got for under a hundred bucks cos there's a subsidy and we qualify! - but now everything hurts. This is the one we're getting - retails for $780 otherwise.

In other news, I've been sleeping well the last 5 nights, and have had time to have dinners, altho the lamb shank was before she was admitted. 

Top - CHAP CHYE - traditional Hainanese vegetable stirfry : 

mostly cabbage, beancurd skin and mushrooms.

Bottom - LAMBSHANK with wedges and a salad. Delicious.

And to celebrate Father's Day we ended up at a nearby cheap cafe restaurant at the Community Club for a chicken chop, ham and cheese omelette and chocolate eclair. Cos BIKSS had come down with a fever and raspy throat and wasn't feeling too great. But he still wanted to pop round to see me if I would have him, he said. He tested negative for Covid so I felt it was safe enough for him to come over where he took some meetings online from my dining table. While I doused him with liquids and medicines. And he seemed OK enough to go out by 7. He's fine now. And I'm still good. Hurray for my immune system!

I'm off to take my caregiver for a medical check up today. May as well have her fasting labs done now that mum isn't here or else she won't be able to get away in the mornings. 

Cheerio! Off I go.

LBD : A Rant and an Update + Food Mash Up

LBD. Not little black dress. I have a few of those. They're collecting dust. But I digress. 

LBD. Lewy Body Dementia. The thing that Robin Williams had. Which they discovered after they poked around in his brainstem post mortem. 

Characterised by - 

Fast progression.

✔️

✔️

Presents with Delirium, Delusion, Hallucinations and Paranoia.✔️✔️

Depression and Anxiety.✔️

Losing trust in family members / known loved ones.✔️

Forgetting / not recognising where 'home' is.✔️✔️

Believing that characters on TV or the reflection in a mirror are talking to them. ✔️✔️✔️

Doesn't respond well to typical antipsychotics in dementia/BPSD treatment.  ✔️✔️✔️

Sleep disorder. ✔️✔️✔️

Moving and talking with very distinct precise movements in their sleep.✔️✔️✔️

Daytime sleepiness (admittedly this happens not only in LBD but is usually more pronounced).✔️

Tremors aka Parkinsonism.✔️

Staring blankly, expressionless, seems to be asleep but eyes are wide open. ✔️✔️

Episodes of inability to move / rigid muscles. ✔️

.

.

.

.

And that's what my boss and I both think the mother has. 

Since I last updated, she's managed to leave the house then get stuck outside at the gate cos she ran out of furniture to hold on to for support. She was unable to tell the difference between wanting to pee and poop. But now it has deteriorated to the point that she doesn't even know she's done a poop in her diaper. Oh, yeah, we put her in diapers yesterday because for two mornings she's peed herself cos she couldn't make it to the commode in time. It was meant to be only for nights, as we are usually able to get her on the commode 2-3 hourly in the daytime. In the past she could say when she felt an urge to go potty - granted she mixes up the pee and poop bit, but she's managed to say she needs the loo. But since that's no longer the case, we're going to have to do the diaper thing 24/7. Up to 2 days ago she could stand up and "help" us help her by holding on to her frame whenever we needed to move her from seat to loo to bed etc. But by yesterday she was unable to lift herself OR maintain a standing position after being lifted off the chair. 

I'm looking for assistance for my carer on weekday mornings because it's gonna be tough for her to move the mother on her own, this has left me frustrated. I rang two well known agencies, they are sorry to inform me that due to a manpower shortage they can't schedule an eldercare sitter / assistant for me everyday. The most they can do is 2 days a week and for 1-2 hours each time. I could get two days  from one agency and another two days from the other. BUT the problem is that if I apply my subsidy to one, I am no longer eligible for subsidy from the other. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T WANT TO ENGAGE SOMEONE FROM JUST ONE AGENCY RIGHT? THEY'RE THE ONES WHO CAN'T PROVIDE THE STAFF.  If I do this my cost is something like $800 a month. That's money I don't have. The brother suggested going to my council member to ask if I could get special permission (the subsidy is a government thing...) to apply said subsidy to both service providers. I'll have to find out how to do that. 

Oh, yes. I told the siblings. I'm desperate.

The brother has been (I say this while choking) remarkably helpful and understanding. He will try and look for someone who is willing to freelance in the mornings for a not-so-high-fee. Initially he said his wife would come by on alternate Thursdays when my carer is off in the afternoons to assist with transferring mum too. But later I learned that she's got a wonky arm and can't lift or put any weight on it. THEN WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF COMING OVER? I asked. With one of us on either side of mum that's 20kg of weight we each have to lift off a chair onto a bed or commode innit? Oh, he says. She thought it was just like giving her an arm (the not-injured one) to hold on to. TSK. Don't you think I could manage that on my own? 

The sister will pray for us. She's got 2 different prayer groups praying for the mother. Yippe kai yay. And she'll try and get a job. And give me money from whatever job she gets if she can get one. Part time of course. Cos she's not doing well sleep-wise what with the diabetes keeping her up and all. (Why she can't just come here and help us I don't know.) So THAT'S a dead end, as always. 

Meanwhile I don't have to solve the alternate Thursday afternoon problem for another week. What I DO need is help come Monday morning. 

Gah. 

The plus in this is that my carer doesn't think it's TOO urgent as she says she can still manage to get mum to hug her enough to transfer her. She puts her arm around mum's torso and supports her legs with one knee. Um. How? How do you do that, teach me. She did. We both decided it's not as easy for me even tho I'm bigger and stronger. BECAUSE I'm bigger. I would have to bend down really low (centre of gravity anyone?) to lift mum and I'm too wide for the mother to hug me tightly enough - she can't get a good grip. 

I've spent the day looking for other agencies and signing up for a bunch of apps. But it's all gonna end up looking like 70-80 bucks for 2 hours. That's like 1.5k a month or so. At that rate I may as well just quit work. Cos it's sure as hell more than what I make even. 

I'm tired now. Physically and mentally. I'm going to have dinner, shower and then run out at 10 to meet a couple of my girlfriends to unload this shit on them. 

Meanwhile in other news, I am now in love with Legurme's beans and mexican sauce. Got it on our overnight trip and now I have no way of getting more. 

But since there was a Guzman near my piano class on Wednesday BIKSS and I ended up having dinner there. 

Mini burrito chicken bowl, and 2 soft shell fish tacos. That's mine on the bowl. BIKSS was busy inhaling his. 

Last week we went to watch Top Gun too. I was 13 when the first movie came out. And I'd been so out of it the first I heard of a sequel was when we were on vacay 8 days ago. Suddenly I felt like I was really out of touch with the world. Talk about a reality check. 

Anyway it was fun. The music's still good. Tom Cruise is still very fuckable. (I was 13 when I first saw him, come on... you don't forget that kind of fan-ism.) I wonder how much CGI they did to touch up his wrinkles. Or maybe it's fillers. Good make up? Lighting? 

We had dinner at a foodcourt in the same mall as the movie theatre... popiah and herbal pork bone soup - Malaysia style!

One of the better ones I've had.

GASP. Is that.... Rice???

Yes that's half a portion for each of us, altho' I gave up after a couple of spoonfuls. 

These days 2-3 spoons of rice is about all I can handle. The soup was pretty good too.

And now I'm thinking about those Mexican beans again. Pfft. I want more!

One of those Days

Nothing has to change. 

.It already has.

It won't matter. 

.It does matter. 

I won't let it. 

.You can't not let it. 

I'm not gonna get involved. 

.You're already involved. 

We'll figure it out. 

.I've already figured it out. 

~~

Just cos you want it to be one way, doesn't mean it's going to end up that way cos you say it.

I don't know which I find more infuriating - Knowing that the shit will happen, or knowing that I'm right but you are oblivious to the obvious. 

Le. Sigh. 

We Made It - She Made It

We packed an overnight bag each and headed off to the next state for a quick getaway. Because it has been forever since we woke up in the same bed and, more importantly, I needed a fucking break. 

It was good not having to think about dealing with the mother for 36 hours. It's not the longest of vacations but it was a very meandering one. 

We headed to a mall where there was a baked dumpling shop we love. After putting in our orders for pick up the next day we toured the pharmacies to find meds we both needed. Then we headed to our favourite Japanese place for lunch. Top - deep fried lotus root and garlics with spinach and bacon; Middle - deep fried battered prawns drenched in wasabi mayo; Bottom - lobster-based cubes with corn in salad dressing sitting atop some crispy tempura seaweed rafts. Right - a popping dry ice cup that came with our sashimi.

       

After lunch we headed to the hotel to check in. It was comfortable enough, had hot running water, an AC that worked, and a good firm mattress and fluffy pillows. We loafed a little bit then headed out to a tiny mall across the road. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

 
Left - lying down with our feet in the air / Right - Julius on BIKSS' arm

You see, while we were loafing in bed, I lay across him and he had the bright idea that a spanking would be a good idea. I told him it wasn't, cos we were about to go upstairs to the pool! He shrugged that off and said no matter, it was a perfect time for a spanking. I mentally shrugged and settled into it. After 35 seconds he stopped and exclaimed - OH, we're going to the pool! Let me have a proper look at your bum! LOL. 

He had clearly not connected the dots! Haha.

As we were getting out of our travel clothes into something more comfy, I reached out and touched BIKSS, and hugged him from behind, letting my hand reach down to fondle Roger. Hey hey, don't start something you can't finish, he said. 

"Who says we can't finish it?" 

*wink wink nudge nudge* 

Eventually we made it out to the nearby mall - it was a tiny one, but there was a great value-dollar type of shop in there where we ended up spending a good amount of time (and money!). 

I picked up some pots, of both the kitchen AND gardening variety; various baskets and felt floor protectors for furniture legs; a ton of chips, snacks and meal kits for both myself and my mother! It really was one of those shops that sold EVERYTHING!

Then we lugged everything back to the hotel, exhausted but happy. 

We have recently heard news of the chicken ban from Malaysia - and since we get a substantial amount of chicken from Malaysia, we decided that we would celebrate still having chicken in the time being by getting takeout from KFC for dinner! 

We shared a cheesy chicken wrap and some cempedak (similar to breadfruit / jackfruit) balls.

Then we went on a half hour drive to get to a night bazaar. It was crowded but fun to see the people milling about getting bags, clothes, snacks etc. 

(Picture taken off the web)

We didn't buy anything but it was a lovely evening of conversation and strolling with BIKSS -  something we haven't had in a long long (too bluddy long) time!

We got back to the hotel where we showered together and got ready for bed. And then I remembered I wanted to get some milk for before-bed. So we went down again and looked for the 7-11 which was on the ground floor just to the left of the hotel's main door. We picked up some oreo wafers (this has been a vacation full of naughty snacking!) and weird flavoured drinks - chocolate hazelnut milk for me and a stardust zero sugar coke for BIKSS. We hated BOTH of them. LOL. 

And finally we were back in the room and cuddling under the covers where more talking ensued. Eventually we were both too tired to carry on the conversation anymore so we hugged each other tight and fell asleep.

Throughout the night we both reached over to hug, kiss, touch, or cuddle the other in turn, and BIKSS reached over and stuck his hand on my boob a number of times, falling asleep with half his arm under my shirt for palm-on-nipple access. 

By the time I woke up this morning with Daddy kissing me and cuddling me and all our limbs touching various bits of the other person, I realised that my undies were wet. This has not happened in a LONG time. It felt a bit foreign to me, having been absent from my life the last couple of years. 

I told him so, and that I was in the mood for a fuck in a super long-winded roundabout way via a conversation about rape fantasies, and he reached down to investigate. The proof, in this case, is in the panty. 

The Wet Spot

BIKSS and Roger obliged my morning request and I was very happy / relieved after that - now that I had proof that my girly bits weren't broken. 

The conclusion we came to was that since I had been sleeping when he fondled my boobs, my brain was "switched off", and my body could finally enjoy the sensations and react in the way it normally used to, without interference from conscious thought or the psychological burden of coping with real-life circumstances getting in the way.

Given the way my body's been behaving (I've talked about my pre-menopause to hell and back!) I'm glad that's one thing I don't have to think about "treating" for now. I agree with Mrs Fever that sexual health and sexual relationship health are important. And I especially believe that if something can be treated for a better outcome, then one (or I, in any case) shouldn't be content to just live with it, whatever that it may be. But I'm glad it's not a situation I have to deal with right now.

And so that's where I am after a night away with BIKSS and some (much needed) RnR. 

What Just Happened?

I met BIKSS and gave him a couple of rescued angry bird stuffies to add to the two already in his car. I kept Chuck (yellow one) for myself. It's looking at me judgingly from its vantage point atop a note block right now as I'm typing on the lappy.

We drove off to dinner, happy that the bird heads have a new home. They were gonna get tossed out so I told my friend I'd take them. Then I sprayed acohol on them and wiped them down with a damp cloth then I dry-cleaned them on a high heat setting in my dryer. (Thank you Woolite!)

Dinner was at a little out of the way place that we found a while ago. It's in the middle of an industrial area and after work hours it's bluddy deserted. It's also not easily accessible by public transport and there are NO malls or residential estates nearby, so you can imagine the restaurant is close to deserted at dinner time. 

We had their Crackling Pork Belly top left (melts in your mouth, skin was super crispy, served with mustard which is not how Asians usually do it - it's very likely a leftover from when we were under British rule), Prawn Cakes bottom middle - fluffy and tasty on the inside, lightly breaded and crispy on the outside, Ngoh Hiang bottom left which is a bunch of meat (and sometimes liver) cooked in 5 spice seasoning and wrapped in beancurd skin then fried, and because one of the veggies didn't turn out right they swapped that dish out for some chicken wings top right. 

(That's one of the blues sitting in the back of BIKSS' car)

And now we come to the point of this evening's post. See that bowl of pickled red cabbage with the wings? 

It's delicious. I was munching on the stuff like there was no tomorrow and then I dropped a strand. When I looked down I noticed it hadn't fallen on the floor, but landed on my sandal strap instead.

I gleefully picked it up and stuck it in front of BIKSS' face saying "Do you think I ..." and I meant to say ... I could eat this since it didn't fall on the floor? But BIKSS said YES, throw it away before I could finish my sentence.

Now, evidently he thought I was gonna ask if I should chuck it. But when he said YES I moved it towards my mouth. And then we both realised what had happened. 

I tried explaining that it hadn't fallen on the floor, that it was on my strap, that it wasn't even on the toe or front strap, but on the ankle strap, and that was relatively clean right? And he kept saying, "Put it down, throw it away. Now. Put it down. You're not eating that." 

"Why? But it didn't fall onto the floor!" 

"I know, throw it out. You're not eating that. Chuck it out."

"It fell on my strap! Isn't that ok? Why is that bad?"

"It's dirty, throw it away."

"But why? Tell me why..."

"Five... four.... three..."

"I'll throw it away but you have to tell me why... "

"Two..."

"OK OK! But you have to explain it!"

He hasn't had to countdown in a LONG LONG TIME. 

I managed to get him down to ONE before I finally dropped it on my plate. 

And then I said, "There, I chucked it. But you have to explain why it's not OK to eat it!"

"Cos when you walk you kick up lots of sand and shit and you don't know what lands up on your shoe straps, yes even ankle straps, and so you're not putting that in your mouth."

"Mm, ok. I hadn't thought of that. I accept your explanation." 

Then I picked up another one and continued snacking on my pickled cabbage strips. 

The thing is, it amused me that he was so worried I was gonna put it in my mouth. And he'd be right. I'm strange that way, I'm told. I totally would have :D