Feeling Submissive & Date Night

So in my last post I wrote about submitting to anal sex when I didn't quite feel my body was in the mood for it. 

And came to the conclusion that the only thing that stopped me from putting a stop to it was a strong feeling of submission. A feeling that hasn't been consciously felt in a while around these parts. 

When I spoke to BIKSS about it we felt that it was because at the beginning just turning around and getting into position for a spanking or simply spreading my legs in the car because he wanted me to triggered a bright flashing neon SUBMISSION sign in my head. 

But as the years went by these things have become the norm. It has become OUR norm. And so there isn't a conscious feeling of submissiveness anymore. It just is. It is the way we are. It is how we are. It is who I am when I am with him. 

He'll tell me to turn over for a spanking with a gesture of his hand while I'm in mid sentence and I do so without missing a beat. I'll continue rambling on about whatever it is I'm on about while he spanks. Sometimes I interject with an "ow" or a comment about how hard or light a spank was, but mostly I carry on talking. 

He'll place his hand on my thigh as he's driving and with the slightest shift in angle I'll know he wants my legs apart so he can stroke my inner thigh or go farther up north. 

He'll reach for my throat as we're about to kiss goodnight and I lift my head just a little bit higher so he can circle my neck with his hand. 

He'll put his hand on my back as we're crossing the street and I'll fall in beside him to let him lead us safely across. 

I'm sure there are tons more examples but right now I can't think of them all. I can't pick them out because they have all become so natural to me. 

Perhaps this is why later yesterday evening after a lovely dinner of Korean Fried Chicken and salad, and some beers in a bucket when we got home (yes the folks are away, the tenant is away, and the house was all mine for the night!) BIKSS made sure I felt that familiar tingle of submission again. 

It started with a super long blowjob with coconut oil, a cock ring and my kneeling between his legs even tho he was lying in bed. 

When he had had enough he had me face down, butt up for a spanking. Just a little one before he had Roger in my pussy. After all the yummy fucking he knelt over me and came in my mouth, and on my chin and cheeks and wiped the stray cum into my mouth with Roger - which was new by the way, cos normally we'd just tissue it off - and then it was cuddle time. 

And while he had me wrapped up in his arms as we were lying facing each other on our sides he began to spank me. Rapid sets of 5, all on one cheek. I was fine for all of ONE set. Sigh. I'm seriously out of practice. The spanks that followed after the first 5 had me flinching at every smack and with each one I jerked a little more into him. 

Shhhh he whispered into the side of my head. Good Girl... shhhh... 

BAM! Submission. Right there. Easy peasy. 

Then he reached over the spanked cheek down to the other one and started up again. Same thing. Flinch. Shhhh. Good Girl. 

I don't remember how long after that we lay there talking and just enjoying being with each other in this so familiar way, but I do know that at some point my eyes were shut and suddenly there was a bit of fiddling going on at my left nipple. No biggie right? He has free reign over my body so no surprise there. Until the pain. He'd somehow gotten hold of a clothes peg and decided he would peg my nipple. Those things hurt. Like a LOT. And with some mental preparation and if I know it's coming it's easier to anticipate the pain. 

This is exactly what mine looks like

When it's a sneak attack, that's another story. I was hissing, panting, breathing hard and making ouchie noises - and he did it again. Shhhh... shhhh... while I writhed and he stroked my face and hair... Good Girl... shhhh... and as he held on to me with the arm that I was curled up in, he proceeded to play with my pegged nipple. I made more ouchie noises, he made more comforting shhhhses (that's the plural of shhhh, btw) and said more Good Girls in the way only Daddies can say it - laden with pride and ownership. 

And I was conscious of the submission again. 

I can't say I need it the way someone might need a hit of a mind-altering substance... I haven't visited subspace in forever and I don't necessarily miss nor crave it. I wasn't even hinting that I needed to feel it, in fact I was quite happy to let BIKSS know that it was quite the opposite - that I thought the absence of a conscious feeling of submissiveness was good indication that I'd come to accept and embrace our roles in this relationship, and I wasn't still fighting it or making note of every action that could be labelled 'submissive'. 

But it also means he was listening to me and gave me what he thought I might need, nay, enjoy on our date night. And *that* is better than any fancy dinner or scene he might have planned for the evening. 

Anal, Submission and Gas

I went shopping and bought a cute white number for 10 bucks. Marked down from 30 I think. I intend to wear it to dinner later and then we're coming back home for some sexy time. 

Well, MORE sexy time. Cos we had some yesterday. We played with my new vibe - which we're calling Wanda - and it was so hot having both holes filled with his fingers while I had it focused on my clit :)

And since he was having so much fun playing in my backyard with his fingers, Roger decided to have a go too.

I don't think I was as ready this time tho (compared to previous sessions) so I was definitely feeling my body putting up a little resistance. There was a good amount of lube, so that's not the issue. Maybe it was headspace? 

In my mind it went something like - I'm not enjoying this one bit, and ouch that's uncomfortable, and I'm not really wanting this at all (and all the accompanying "distress" sounds that accompany these sentiments) but Roger and Daddy seem to be having a good time ESPECIALLY with me making these distress sounds, so I'll just submit and let him have his way with my butthole. 

And when we talked about it afterwards (I'm really glad we have debriefs) he acknowledged that since I didn't safeword him and it didn't seem like I was in actual STOP NOW! pain he just let it feed his lust cos he's come to enjoy inflicting pleasurable pain (on me?). Pervert that he is. But we all knew that. And I had to clarify that the pain itself wasn't pleasurable (like a pinched nipple, for example), rather it was the feeling of submission that I enjoyed. 

Perhaps it's just been a while since I've FELT submissive... cos all the other stuff that used to feel like submission is now just the norm? I dunno. Maybe we'll talk about that later. 

And also, the cramps I got after that - my tummy was churning, and I had so much gas. Grrrr... 

Post-sex dinner was super uncomfortable cos I kept feeling like I needed to go poop or else had to concentrate really hard on letting the farts out without having an accident! And so the new plan is this - no playing in the backyard if we're going out after. 

Daddy's Home and Going Away Again

Hello everyone, I feel like I've risen from the dead, having been away forever. 

And I'm sorry that these "sorry I've been missing" posts are coming up more and more frequently.

The parents moved in early last month and since then we've been sorting out some logistics. Wheelchairs, motorised scooter things, who goes on which day to eldercare / physio and so on and so forth. 

The most trying of the teething period seems to be over and we've settled into some sort of regular routine. The mother is also more familiar with the kitchen appliances etc so she is able to sort out the microwave and stove on her own. 

The father has gotten used to his new surroundings, poor fella. Dementia is NOT pretty. 

BIKSS got a new job and he's flying all over the place and that's driving me insane. Already I have less time than before to spend with him, PLUS lack of space (think blowjobs in the car and quickies when I manage to get an open 1-hour window when no one's home) - and on top of all the work trips he's taking TWO family vacations in Dec and Jan and I want to scream. 

OK, I'm feeling better about the whole thing now. But I was certifiable on Friday. 

It's hard for me to handle my significant other being away. It's not just the missing them. I get depressed. And the missing them and depression takes over my life so in order not to fall apart I block out my emotions and go about my own shit until they're back. 

This means WHILE they're away I become a bit of a cold, heartless jerk when they DO text or call. Cos I'm all about the "yeah, no, ok, whatever" responses. 

And then after they come back it takes me a bit of time to thaw and let myself be in love again. With BIKSS' travel schedule looking the way it does, I was going out of my mind trying to figure out how we were going to cope - either I learn to deal with the emotions (not my favourite option) or he learns to deal with my coldness (which may or may not happen, depending on how badly I feel and how much I need to shut down in order to still be able to function). 

Oh, that's not enough of an upheaval? OK, his wife went and got herself a new job too. So there are changes to be made on HIS homefront as well. What all this means is that whatever regularity we had before in whatever form is now gone. Missing. Nowhere to be found. 

It's not anyone's fault, just the timing of it all. Everything changed at once and I HATE CHANGE. I like routines, familiarity, and being in control. I HATE UPHEAVALS and that's what this period is feeling like for me. 

*Rant Over*

Today we managed to spend a whole bunch of hours out together tho. We had an early dinner at a smokehouse burger place, then went for a drive. And then we went shopping to get new shorts now that I'm a whole lot smaller since starting my get-those-damned-triglycerides-down diet. Since last Jan (2015) I've lost a total of 11 kilos YAY ME, and my clothes are way too loose. I can get into my used-to-be-tight clothes comfortably now, but I don't have shorts that fit. We didn't manage to find any, but I did pick up a pair of covered-toe, light-weight, trudge-around shoes that were affordable and available in my size! 

BIKSS picked out the colour and I'm happy with it. It's a little more teal than in the pic - my favourite colour! 

And tomorrow I shall continue on my quest for denim shorts. 

Meanwhile I have a bunch of yummy chocs from Germany where he spent 3 weeks in September. And some toys (below) and a new stuffie -- meet Goober, my German unicorn stuffie. Because one can never have too many. I'm serious.  

Now I knew about the new (quieter) vibe and plug (it's heavier, prettier, and ridged!) before he came back, but the choker was a surprise. And I love them all!

We WERE planning to go on a short holiday in Jan around my birthday but then I decided it would probably be better if I didn't go on a 4 day full-time BIKSS high and 24/7 DDlg binge only to have to come crashing down when he goes off to a 2 week vacation after that. 

Plus I've had a look at the calendar and it looks like Jan might be a bad month for me in terms of work cos of the Lunar New Year holidays (that will take up 4 days instead of the usual 2 and a half - long weekends are the worst things for me work-schedule-wise cos it means I'll have to make up those lessons!) so carving out another week for a holiday just doesn't seem possible. 

BIKSS has mentioned that we could possibly go for an overnight trip in Dec and maybe another in Jan on the days that I have no classes - I can afford an overnight excursion - and perhaps I won't be too stressed out when he's away if I've only had small doses of daddy-time. It's also easier to have them more frequently than the big holidays. Whatever the case, the sound of THIS plan didn't fill me with dread nor stress me out any. 

And so that's the news over on my end. I suspect I'll be gone for a bit before I pop back up. But I'll try to update when I can. 

Meanwhile, to my stateside friends, VOTE WISELY. :)