It was stupid. I was afraid that like so many relationships ours would die. It would sink into routine, boredom, nothingness.
I don't want to have THAT kind of relationship with BIKSS. With anyone. I hate stagnation. That's why I do what I do for work I suppose. There's always a new kid, new adventure, new struggle, new headaches, new something-that-I-didn't-expect!
That's also why I dip my hands into so many projects. I collect for a local charity. I help my bff write for her app projects. I bake and sell cakes for fun when I have time.
I hate stagnation.
And last night (thank you, Period) I got all weepy again cos I was laying in bed cuddled up with BIKSS and he was sleeping. And I was upset by it.
I get that the man is tired. But given our circumstances it's not like we can just hop on down to the mall and go wandering about the supermarket just any ol' time we want and to any ol' where we want. Well, he's never said no, but I'm not one for unnecessary risk-taking either, so if there's a possibility of being seen (we live in a really small congested state so it's always easy to bump into people we know!) I'd rather not go out if there isn't a need to.
This means we're the couple who stays home, eats in, then has sex and falls asleep till I wake him up when it's time to go home. Doesn't sound so awesome does it? I'm not saying that I need excitement all the time, or to be wined and dined or anything, but I don't want to spend our time together just having sex and then falling asleep. It's hard for him to stay up cos as far as he thinks, I have the most comfy bed this side of the equator. Which means the only way we get to engage in any meaningful discourse is if he's upright and moving about.
I fidgeted and he woke up. And I told him I was restless. And I was all red-eyed and sniffing and he climbed over me, held my face in his hands and asked me in the most tender voice ever, "What's wrong?"
I broke down. Cried. Wailed all my thoughts out to him. And after a short car ride and lots of hand-holding, as I sank back into bed, he hugged me from behind, pulled me into the circle made by his arms, and breathed me in.
"What if this is too much, too troublesome... my being weepy... What if you know it's because of OUR situation and decide that letting me go is the best solution. Two birds. One stone. I won't be stuck in this story, and you won't have to deal with Weepy Me."
He doesn't think that will happen. Cos he won't do it. He's selfish that way, he says.
In the meantime, he says we'll think about places we can go out to the first half of Friday nights so the evening doesn't stretch endlessly ahead of us with either or both of us just falling off to sleep.
To be honest, that's why I am so keen on us watching concerts and ballets and what not. I want to discover places together, see stuff, learn things, make memories with BIKSS. Even that little car ride was exciting, to be honest, cos we went past the back of an airport runway and he told me stories of how patrol cars used to come by and question drivers who parked there for too long. Security issues or some such thing.
I pointed out the name of a street to him, well, I guessed. I knew it was there somewhere. We slowed down as we went past the signs, looking for it. We got lucky on the third try!
It's just little things like that. I need to feed my brain.
"Then we'll go out and discover food, drive around, take walks. Make memories, just you and me, ok?"
Okay. :)
And how was this night different from any other weepy night? I don't know. I can't say. But somehow I felt that this time, every word he spoke, every move he made screamed I LOVE YOU. If I ever doubted this, well, let's say it's been put to rest.
