Before BIKSS left I'd been feeling out of sorts (see previous posts). When he was away things were actually good. I felt like he was bothering to communicate with me and let me know he's thinking of me. When he came back it felt like before - no urgency to see me, no exclamations of missing me, no declarations of wanting to be with me. OK, maybe I'm a drama queen. But you get what I mean. It felt just "same old, same old".
It wasn't working for me. In the absence of his constant physical presence I told him I needed constant / consistent / regular verbal reassurance. And when that goes absent, I have a conversation in my head where I justify everything:
Maybe he's just busy
He loves me, he just doesn't say so
Ok he says so, but as part of the goodnight litany
Yeah well, he's not the sort to get mushy
Wait, but he used to
Ok, work must be on his mind
Hey it's hard balancing a family AND a girlfriend
But then, it doesn't take a long time to send a text right?
If you can't meet me today at least SAY you wish you could...
It's beginning to sound like he's taking the relationship for granted
And on and on and on it goes.
I told him tho, how and what I felt and thought, and he admits the D/s has been on the back burner lately. One thing he taught me, was that I'm worth it - I'm worth asking for what I need - so I asked. I need the reassurance. The D/s helps reassure me.
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| mine is black |
And he's been so good about it. A text in the middle of the day asking if I've done my work (group projects are around the corner in school and it can take up quite a bit of time - and I'm really good at procrastinating!); reminding me to have a cum for him first thing the next morning; asking how his little girl's day is going; and last night he had me in presentation for him wearing my faux-leather thong-wanna-be.
He had told me the day before what we would be doing, and that he'll be spanking me - with his hand and the cane, and then later in the evening I got this "I hope you remember what you'll be doing for me tomorrow, and thinking about the spanking you'll be getting".
I have a feeling all the missing waterworks down below also has something to do with this 'perceived' lack of attention and mental stimulation. It's been rather dry in the south of Fondlesville, and I suspect it had something to do initially with the meds I was on, but later was compounded by feelings of inadequacy (don't ask, I don't know why, it just happens...) and neglect - I know that's a strong word, but that's how it felt to me.
We (that is, pussy and I) are happy to note that there was some success last night, especially since the ingredients Anticipation and Verbal Stimulation, were added in good measure. (Daddy likes that huh? - Oh yes, Daddy likes it very much when his little girl does that!) Add to that some inventive nipple clamps made out of twisted skewers - in the good old fashioned chopstick clamp style - and you have one very ouchy girl.
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| I actually got this from wikipedia! |
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| we used skewers instead of chopsticks |
The thing I love about BIKSS (and why I'm able to trust him) is that he's never NOT thinking about my welfare during play - the left pair went on fine enough but the right pair was way too ouchy. He had me close my eyes for the exercise and throughout the application kept reminding me to tell him if it was too much. And I did. I had to tell him the right one was just unbearable. He adjusted it, let me breathe a bit and get accustomed to the pain, then he got between my legs and entered me. It felt so good NOT to be dry and to be ready to accept Roger... and when he played with my clamped nipples ... Oh My.
He instructed me to open my eyes and look at him while he was fucking me, not something I normally do, either because the sensations are so intense, or because I feel totally vulnerable, or both - I'm not certain. And I tried really hard to keep them open, altho I did shut them from time to time. Talking me through it helped... reminders of Good Girl, and Keep them open, Look at me... I felt owned again.
After he came (rather violently) he gently removed the skewer clamps and I howled from the pain of the blood rushing back. Despite the playful protestations and good-natured laughing (on both our parts) at my predicament I felt my eyes tearing from the intensity of the pain!
He cuddled me and held me tightly to him, kissed my forehead and said I was his "brave little girl".
Magic words. And a magical evening. Before he left he beckoned me to him at the couch where he had put on his shoes. I knelt between his legs and he cupped my face as he kissed me. With promises to keep in touch while he's away this coming week.
My storm is over. I'm forecasting clear skies ahead.
[If you've noticed I've not exactly been regular about writing here. But I *will* write from time to time. So please don't be mad if I'm not around as much as I used to be before :)]
