The Light at the End of the Funnel

I'm not so PMS-y anymore. Things look less bleak and I'm feeling a lot better now. We even got some face time in last night - and then some.

I haven't been sleeping properly. I've been attending a seminar over the last 2 days (yes, another one!) and having to wake up early and commute means I can't stay up till 3 am like I usually do. This meant going to bed early and then having my sleep disrupted in the middle of the night : I don't know why this happened, it did. Maybe it's cos I'm fighting with my inner sub. Yes, fighting. Subby me wants to just say Yes to BIKSS and accept that this is best for me - I shouldn't smoke AT ALL and I know it. Regular me is unhappy about having that choice taken away from me. (How's that for a quick summary of what you missed in the last post where this saga began?)

A part of me wanted to kneel between his knees at his feet and just have him tell me that I don't get a choice. That I will agree to his terms. And that I will never touch another cigarette again as long as he's in my life. And I realise that's the problem. This is choice. I'm still empowered. I still get to choose. That's what's throwing me off-balance. 

It's too late to remedy that now tho. The conversations that have followed since the puff-of-empowerment have rendered it impossible for this particular resolution. It would seem contrived and un-genuine. Or something. Last night as I was struggling to find sleep a thought struck me. Here are the facts: he doesn't like the smell and the taste. I, however, enjoy the motions and the habit rather than the actual substance. The solution? Even if only as a temporary measure:  the E- cigarette.

               

If you want to know how it works, take a look at this site.

I'm not sure what the exact parameters are going to be, how happy he's going to be with this solution (although preliminary discussions show promise), or if this is going to be just a first step forward on a journey towards an eventual total and complete exclusion of anything smoking-related.

Still, it's something. Which, if cliches are to be believed, is better than nothing. 

We're meeting later to go exercise. And discuss this. Wish me luck. No, that's not right. Wish us good communication. Yeah. That's better. 

[I was multi-tasking as I wrote this so please excuse me if I sound disjointed or the post feels haphazardly thrown together.]

Tuesday Toon #5

Not a toon so much as a pic. But hey, it's apt.

Happy Tuesday Everybody ;)

Stuck

I'm PMS-ing. So this post is going to be all over the place I suspect. (Plus I'm at work and have a free hour to spare so I'm rushing through this before I'm needed again... )

There is something in my head right now. A thought. A conversation. Perhaps I'm schizophrenic. Do you ever feel like you're having a conversation with yourselves? I don't mean to address the many different readers when I say that. I mean the many different versions of you! Cos in my head it feels like there are 5 different MEs. There's the daughter / sister / friend that is Me (1).  There's Me the girlfriend/best friend in relation to BIKSS (2), which then of course means there is Me the girlfriend-sub too (3). And what about the Me that lives in the real world, working and paying the bills (4)? Then there's selfish Me who sometimes pokes her head out and says What About Me?! (5)

I often wonder if we should have gotten involved in the first place. Well, he's great. And he's good to me. And he's a lovely fellow. And I don't regret it. Good. Next question.

Should we have kept our relationship an entirely physical one? Well, it's hard not to chat before/after sex especially since he was already my confidant before any of this started. It was only natural that feelings would develop. Am I happy to love him? Yes. Do I feel good about how he feels about me? That he loves me too? Duh. Obviously. Right, then. Next...

This Dom/sub thing. Now here's where it gets complicated. Perhaps a 24/7 TTWD arrangement just isn't feasible in our situation. How can I leave him to be in control and be in charge of everything when our set-up just doesn't allow for that kind of all-encompassing involvement in my life? So some stuff he gets to call the shots on... and some he doesn't. Is that how it works?

Something inside me feels stuck. There's a cog that's not fitting properly into the whole scheme of things. Do I want to just limit D/s to the bedroom and sexual activity? Well, it's a bit hard to do that. What would be the point? It'd just be a kinky layer in addition to our awesome sex life. That's not the thing I crave. I crave the submission. The kneeling, the relinquishing, the giving up and giving in. But that's the cog that doesn't fit. I can't be at peace and allow myself to give up control when there are so many things I still have to be master of.

Work, family and my home are the obvious ones. But what about money? Surely it's my call. But if one wanted to say it's a grey area, one could. Financial responsibility is closely related to personal well-being and growth/learning. What about behaviour and choices when out with friends- other people, folks who aren't privy to our unique situation, who can't see us together. I'm independent then right? Again, one could argue that I am never truly independent if I have a Master. But wait. Do I? I hate grey areas. Is he Master of some things and not others? How would that work?

Hey, you wanted to be his sub. So suck it up and do what he says. Well, yeah. Watched the old Spiderman movies? (Strangely the new one doesn't have the Spidey quote.) "With great power comes great responsibility." It's hard to relinquish all power when you don't have the luxury of giving up all responsibility. It just can't work. Right?

So now I'm faced with the smoking dilemma all over again. Do I leave it on the table? Or do I take it off.

I'm not about to go and start smoking again. I wanted a puff off a friend's cigarette cos I missed it. And I chose to do it. Well, cos to my mind BIKSS never explicitly said he wanted me never to smoke again. It was (in my head) a decision / choice I made based on what I knew he preferred and whatever other reasons I had for quitting. Did I think he'd be mad? I really didn't know. Why did I do it? Cos he never said I couldn't ever. Does he always have to be so explicit? Well, yes. I can't read minds. I know he'd rather I didn't. I don't know that there's an absolute measure for "rather". See, I'd rather not eat chicken skin. But if it was a little bit, in a food I really enjoyed, I'd be ok, especially on a day I was feeling daring and if I'd been on my meds diligently, and I hadn't had any in a long time. You know? I didn't think his view about this was NO and not I'd prefer it if you didn't.

Maybe the bigger question is how much of it is what [I] want and how much of it is what [HE] wants for me. If it were entirely up to me, would I be ok with a puff every now and then? Yes. For him? Not so much. Wait. That's what got us into all this mess - lack of specific detailing. OK. Try that again shall I? For me?  A puff a week is fine. For him? Not at all acceptable. Never. See the difference?

I can't deal with this now. I'm emotional and stressed out. And all I'm feeling is stuck at the moment. So his question to me was - Do I want to take this off the table altogether? Go back to the 12-hour rule? In which case I'd be free to do what I wanted (I assume) and not have to tell him if and when I did smoke a cigarette every now and then. It would be entirely my choice. And not under his jurisdiction. Not that that's what I'm after, but I'm just saying, I don't know if that would sit better with me - not being answerable. 

Feels like I'm halfway in and halfway out of TTWD.

Cos what it boils down to is this - I keep coming back to this sentence in my head. It swims so much in and around my brain that it has just about taken up permanent residency : How can I be answerable to someone who can't be answerable for me? 

Poll Results - 29 July

To the question "What is your favourite implement?" 41 of you answered. Here is the breakdown"

(Conina, I stole a flogger pic from your etsy store and linked it here)

His Hand   28

Flogger    6

Cane          5

   Paddle       11






Spoon        0

Crop          4

Horseshoes

Remember that ol' game of tossing horseshoes so that they hook around a stake in the ground?

I was cleaning up my toys after I got permission to jill off a little while ago... and as it happens, this is how they landed on each other. It reminded me of the game, so I just had to take a pic and share it with you lot.

Happy weekend y'all!

Tuesday Toon #4

I love Winnie the Pooh.

I love being spanked. 

So, Ta-da!

Spanked To Tears - Yes This is the One / Kneeling

OK here it is. 

At last count, THIS was the decision that we made on the whole spanked-to-tears issue. 

Well, we got there today. 

I was having an awful day. I woke up hungry and by the time I could actually eat lunch it was 3 hours later. In the middle of cooking the service guy came so I had to abandon that midway.  And then because things weren't working the way they're supposed to I spent a good portion of time after he left trying to solve tech issues. It's a small miracle I have any internet connection at all.  (And no, the problem still hasn't been solved although we now know what the cause of it is.) Appointments were clashing into each other, everyone seemed to be on flexi-time. My internet service provider thought "serving you shortly" meant 27 minutes of being put on hold. I was hungry, my coffee was getting warm (I'm an iced hazelnut latte kinda gal) and my nerves were frazzled.

BIKSS was supposed to come over after 9 but a change of plans meant he could pop round earlier. In the end he managed to get a quick round of grounding spanks in before the others (a girlfriend with relationship problems, and the father of my godchild who's my IT guru)  showed up. I also managed to sit at his feet a little bit as he ate dinner - and then the circus began. 

May I Kneel For You?

May I kneel for you?
May I sit on my ankles and rest my head on your lap?
May I bury my face in your thigh and inhale your scent?

May I kneel for you?
We could talk, or sit in silence.
We could watch the telly, or share a bite.
We could just be.

May I kneel for you?
As you reach for my face with the back of your fingers,
Your hands relaxed and free of the day's tensions,
As you stroke my cheek and I feel my own tensions disappear.

May I kneel for you?
As you extend your arm,
And rest your palm on the top of my head,
As you watch my eyes fill with relief at the comfort your stroking brings.

For when I kneel for you,
I am comforted
I am free and unburdened
I am whole
I am bursting with joy
I am perfect
I am yours.

I am all this,
For you make it so.

To My Love

I tried to explain it earlier, but words failed me.
So I will try again ~

My submission is nothing without your Dominance.
Everything that I offer you, everything I do for you, requires your active acceptance of it.

Until yesterday, I didn't think I could offer you any more than this.
I didn't think I had anything to give that you could take, without first having to give me something.
Like my submission. It is, you say, the greatest offering I could make.
A gift of myself.
But to accept that, you had to give me your Dominance.

I didn't know what I meant to you.
I didn't know how you saw me.
I didn't know where I stood in your life.

Until yesterday.

A simple kiss, a picture, something that meant I love you.
That kiss gave you enough to hold on to to plow through your day.
That kiss infused with my love.
That kiss was you knowing that I love you.
And thus knowing I love you helped you through your day.

That was a gift I could give you without you first having to give me something.

And slowly you show me.
What I mean to you.
How you see me.
Where I stand in your life.

Thank you. For loving me.

And accepting all of me.

He caned, I saw, We concurred

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Snippets - 50 Shades, Cum Passes and Canes

I'm excited. I didn't get my Friday night date with BIKSS. But what do you know? He's free tonight. YAY!

And we don't have to meet at 10pm after my usual work hours either. Cos I'm done by 5ish today. Double YAY!

I must admit the spark for this post was the update on trying out the cane. I was replying comments on my previous post and decided I would just write a new one. But since I'm here, I've decided to comment and update on some other things as well. 

1. 50 Shades

I personally know 3 people who have read / are reading the 50 shades trilogy. And what annoys me is how they all seem to enjoy it because Christian is changing to suit Ana. He's apparently giving up his kink and desire for her to be his sub so that they can be together. At this point it is still unclear if she is going to meet him halfway and explore the kinky world he holds dear to his heart. But it would definitely make for a better story if she does. I'll tell you when I reach the end. And those of you who've read it NO SPOILERS PLEASE. =)

Also, a few times Ana has expressed her discomfort with the notion that Christian gets turned on by the idea of beating her senseless. Why he doesn't just come right out and explain to her that it's not the infliction of pain per se, but the idea of Dominance that turns him on is beyond me. Oh wait. I know. Cos the author doesn't get it. R-i-g-h-t. 

So while there is a lot of explicit sex, and the romance of it all is quite captivating, I would have to say that so far it does NOTHING to capture the essence of a Dom/sub relationship accurately. 

2. Cum Passes

You know how of late I've been asking BIKSS permission before I jill off? Well yesterday he was running around like a headless chicken and was way too busy to even pick up messages, so I mentioned that I wouldn't like to be in a position where I was feeling really in need of a cum and have him NOT be able to give me permission. 

The solution? (He's full of great ideas, this man...) Cum Passes. 

So I have 5 free Cum Passes to use when he's not available to say yes. And what happens when I run out? Oh, I work to earn more. 10 blowjobs for a Pass. Heh. That seems fair. ;)

3. Exploring the Cane

I got to discussing the cane situation with BIKSS. He tried to explain the way it might feel cos I'm curious about it but at the moment I'm quite against using it as a regular implement. Not cos I've tried it mind you. It's cos I haven't. And it looks scary. And I associate it with the punishments my friends got as children. And I've seen the pics on the web and the stripes aren't something I would like to have. 

But I am curious as heck about what it would feel like. And it's so easily got that it really wouldn't be any trouble at all to just try out ONE lash. Would it? 

Any way to satisfy my curiosity?

Lol. A quick smack on an area where nobody will see it.

But it'll leave a mark.

And sting.

Oh yes. Sting.

Does this mean I have permission to pick one up?

Yes... But remember... Careful what you wish for.

It seems we subs never seem to learn our lesson. THAT lesson - Be Careful What You Wish For. Or rather, we learn it for all of 38 seconds. Then promptly chuck it out the door. I'll update after tonight. My shopping list now reads:  

Caning is Quite Common...

...in the country where I live. 

As kids, many of us were caned quite regularly. I was, blissfully, one of the minority. 

Classmates would come back to school on Monday morning with stories, often boastful, about how many strokes they had to endure on Friday night because they'd been difficult in school, had bad test scores from lack of studying, or as a result of misbehaving or talking back to their elders.

I would sit and listen, almost in awe, at the horrors they would describe. 

Does this have anything to do with why I'm now a spanko? You tell me. My parents were modern for their day - no spanking, no whipping, no caning, and definitely no belting. They believed everything could be solved with talking, and punishment took the form of withdrawal of privileges. And extra studies in the form of workbooks and the like.

He's Good for My Health

He asked me to bug him about walking regularly. That was gonna be my job - to motivate him to get moving and get active and get fit. Maybe lose 5kg in the process. And I would be a part of these walks as far as he could manage it.

We've managed to get in 2 walks per week since the beginning of July which was his start date. And I was hoping that I would be able to break past this plateau and lose a couple more kilos too. 

I know I've gotten fitter, and my clothes are fitting better. So I'm happy as a clam. The only thing bugging me is that I'm still the same weight. I am eager to drop another 3kg because my family has a history of heart disease and I aspire to fall comfortably under the upper limit of my acceptable BMI range.

Tuesday Toon #3

An oldie but goodie. 

Dedicated to all my CWS sisters.

Soliloquy

It hurts. My nipple. The right one. No, it's not that I want you to stop. Well. It's not up to me. Not to say the left one doesn't. It's just overshadowed by the pain the other one feels. 

You've gotten good at this. Making me feel you in both the pleasure and the pain.

I don't mind the pain, you know. I told you that didn't I?

Snippets - Yes to sex, It's NOT the pain, Charles in Charge, What permission?

I've been catching up on my blog-reading. It's been a long day spent in a theatrette, improving myself in the interest of doing a better job at my er, job.

And since I've got all these thoughts swirling around in my head (and I want to get them out before I ask BIKSS for permission to jill off -and fyi BIKSS taught me that - cos yours truly has been reading her fave Ftloas blog and is RIGHT in the middle of a good story there) I shall write them all out in one place, as I am wont to do.

On Submissives in Repose - A Re-Post

I came across an article on For the Love of a Submissive : it's called On Submissives in Repose.

I found it to be a very apt description of those few moments between getting undressed and BIKSS' arrival, and just wanted to share it with you.

Here is a re-post but do check out the blog... it has many, many enlightening articles and is well thought out and eloquently written.

Friday Night's Gonna Be Alright

BIKSS picked me up after work and we came home so both of us could change into walking gear, and off we went to a local store (half hour away by foot) to pick up some wine for later. Was hoping for a moscato but we ended up with a strawberry-infused white zinfadel which was on special instead. I'm a lightweight when it comes to wine. I can't do reds. I love sweet whites. And if they're fizzy, even better! 

So we came back an hour later and I made him some spaghetti, then we munched on cherries and had some green tea (aren't we the healthy pair!) and then it was shower time. And oh boy was it shower time. *Wink*

I'm not going to spell it out for you lot, but here's a picture - water running down my face, cock in mouth, kneeling on the bathroom floor. 

We were supposed to watch a movie together, so I hauled the lappy into the room and plugged in the speakers. He was stretched out languidly across my bed, all Adonis-like with his white towel strategically draped across his torso, beginning at his right shoulder and diagonally strewn across his body ending over his crotch. I chucked my own towel, crawled into bed and flopped beside him - he moved to make space for me and began touching my clit.

Go for it, then, I said, as I got comfortable and spread myself wide so he could position himself between my legs... well, I got wetter and wetter, and Roger got harder and harder and before I knew what was what and who was where someone had his cock pushing against a very needy pussy - then he unceremoniously thrusted all the way in. I cried out and watched him fuck me. Raw, animalistic fucking. For some reason I heard Christian Grey in my head - "I don't make love, I fuck, HARD". Ahem. Yes, I've been reading 50 Shades. So far it's been quite enjoyable. But that was what BIKSS was doing. Fucking me hard. 

After he'd emptied his load into yet another one of my orifices fully available for his pleasure, and his alone, I cleaned us both up with a damp towel and then gathered myself into a ball in his arms and we lay there feeling each other, settling into each other. And then it was time to talk about that THING that was between us, not so much a something that was unresolved as much as a situation that needed dissecting so I could modify my patterns of behaviour in the future and not get us into the same sticky situation. And NO IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I AM NEITHER VICTIM NOR PERPETRATOR. It seems I have trouble internalising this notion. Maybe I should stick it on my mirror.

I'm not going to go into detail about my deep-rooted psychological stuff but suffice it to say there was lots of sharing and opening up and reassuring and crying going on. It was good. Cathartic. And he's the most amazing man in my world. Did I get my spanks? Yes. As he spanked my bottom with his head next to mine, one arm under me keeping me close, a calmly spoken word interrupted my reverie - Reconnecting. 

Reconnecting, I echoed him. Because when I'm being spanked, I know I am his.  

[We never got round to watching the movie... maybe we'll do that next week =)]

Quickie Post - My World Is Right Again

I asked BIKSS if he was feeling like somehow our world was tilted a little off axis, cos I'd been feeling that way the whole day. He said yes, kinda... but he attributed that to being busy and having to run around all day. I, on the other hand, attributed it to us not REALLY having reconnected and sorted out last night's tiny bickering. 

We ARE managing to carry on as usual, however, with the regular chit chat via text that we normally do. And after I decided to order some McDelivery, BIKSS sent this text - "Make sure you wear a bra, and shorts. No panties." I informed him that I was already wearing shorts over my panties cos I KNOW he hates that I usually just walk around in a tank top and knickers. I've been making an effort these days.

And then his next message came in, "Good Girl. Wouldn't want someone else to see what belongs to me." We chatted some more before I realised that suddenly I didn't feel like my world was all askew anymore. I'm still his. No matter what happens with us. And maybe I knew it in my head, but I needed to hear him say it. I'm glad he did. I'm more certain now that when we DO catch up and sort this out we'll emerge bright and sparkling and renewed. 

I'm a happy little girl again.

*And now, back to my fries and coke!*

Snippets - Pendant, Housework, and the Mars/Venus Divide

1) Pendant

I have a pendant that I wear. BIKSS gave it to me. It is 2 dolphins. 

I am looking forward to a short weekend away to visit a best friend in a neighbouring country. I will be away 4 days (in August). I am also filled with sadness at being separated from BIKSS during this time. 

I told him so. 

Touch the pendant. That's us.

Thank you so much for getting it for me.

Thank you for being mine.

--------------------------------------------------

2) Housework

...is my go-to distraction when things upset me. 

...is never totally done so there's always more to do when the need arises.

...is the one thing I love and loathe with equal measure.

--------------------------------------------------

3) The Mars/Venus Divide

When I was living my vanilla life I would yell and scream and fight and shout and sulk. Most importantly, I would lash out, and self-destruct. I would do whatever it took to hurt the person who upset me.

Today I behaved totally differently. But somehow I'm not sure it was noticed.

TTWD may bring a deeper connection to a relationship, but problems and misunderstandings are still entirely and fully present. I suppose it's time we learnt to deal with this within this particular dynamic.

I have no doubt we will come out of this stronger and more determined, when we are again in the same physical space to deal with it. But in the meantime it makes my heart ache to admit that there are flaws in our relationship. I know this is normal, natural. It is expected and it is healthy. Now someone tell that to the twisting pain in my chest.  

To my Master I say this - I love you, deeply. And I know you love me. Of these two facts I have no doubt. And I know we will not let this prevent us from journeying on together. It will not slow us down. It will not cause us grief. I will celebrate the result of this little bump on our path for I know it can only bring us closer. We are human. All of us. And just as I tell you often that I need your assurances, the purpose of this prose is to assure YOU of this : I meant every word when I said I was yours. In the midst of our spats I never once wish any different. I am yours, whatever state I may be in, I am still only yours. 

Is Asking for a Spanking a Bad Thing?

I never thought so. Heck, there have been days when I just couldn't WAIT for BIKSS to get to it, and I'd come right out and ask him "Can you spank me now?" He never seemed to be upset by this, not in the least.

Most of the time he obliges. Right there and then. Sometimes (very rarely) if we're in another part of the house where he doesn't think it'll be appropriate, he'll decline but reassure me that he won't forget to get to it later when we can move our activities to the room. And he hasn't forgotten ever! 

Quickie Post - A Surprise Visit

Alright, so it wasn't really a surprise. I found out earlier in the evening that BIKSS was meeting a friend to discuss something and he was thinking of dropping by after that to "bother me a little".

We put the computer to work - he had a hard drive with him cos he wanted to collect some stuff from me... and as the files were being transferred we decided we'd amuse ourselves. 

It was a night of lovely conversation and laughter- all amounting to playful, happy, good-natured connecting. Here and there he landed some random swats on my ass, and even a thwack on each cheek from a new hairbrush (I've been needing one for my hair, so I decided to hold out till I found one that would do double duty!) ~ and BOY DOES IT HURT. 

BIKSS looked at me and said - I told you it would. And how did he know this? His answer was that he's a guy and that's what guys do... they go around smacking their palm with this or that new thing they come across - just to see how painful it was. Yeah, right. I have a feeling HE's the only guy that goes around doing that. 

So I've told him that the hairbrush would probably only ever be used for my hair. LOL. Well, but maybe like the spoon, I'll find the courage to suggest that he use it again some day. 

We had a really easy-going fun-filled time tonight, although it was just a brief romp. But he still found a few minutes to really have a go with his hands on my bottom towards the end, just before he had to leave. I was lying on top of him, we were kissing like love-struck teens, and I reared my head up, ready to gaze romantically into his eyes and say I Love You but then he started in on the spanking. Well, so much for that idea. After he was done and I'd had my fill of his comforting shushing, I rolled off to the side and while he cuddled me I told him the real reason I climbed on top of him in the first place! 

He held my chin, looked at me and smiling, he said,

Say it anyway

I love you

I love you too.

------------------ The End ------------------

[PS I was just browsing the web when I came across this and I just HAD to share it with you lot. 
I can't believe I've never seen this before...]

Tuesday Toon #2

Ain't he the sexiest skunk?

Have a Happy Tuesday everybody!

Non-Swim Monday - Lunch Date

It looks like I may have to rethink my Monday swims. I haven't gone swimming on a Monday in a while and the title of my Monday posts seem to be redundant. 

Here are the highlights (for me, anyway) from my lunch date with BIKSS.

Quickie Post - Self-Imposed Submission?

I was finishing up some reading (blog-reading that is) before bed and more and more I was seeing stuff about submission, surrender and the like (no sher, Shitlock!). 

So I'm thinking to myself - it's one thing to do what you're told (and love doing it) when he's giving you instructions right there and then. It's another to be obeying him long-distance (and feeling the power he has over you). But recently when I was watching Spiderman with a couple of friends I was missing BIKSS something crazy and halfway thru the movie I managed to tuck my feet under me so I was kind of kneeling but sitting on my ankles on the seat in the cinema, and somewhere inside I dedicated that posture to him. And I felt much better after that.

And this was NO instruction. He didn't ask it of me. There was no precedence for this behaviour. Well, ok, maybe a little. I like kneeling for him and because I spent a portion of movie nite (the day before) in this position with BIKSS at home, maybe something in my brain just figured I'd feel more connected to him if I were in the same pose - and as it turned out, I did. 

Do any of you do stuff that you haven't been instructed to do, so you can feel a little closer to your men when you're not with them?

Lovely Blog Award

Bella at DD and D/s named me in her One Lovely Blog Award list.

*Curtsies* Thank you dear. So these are the rules (should you choose to play along...)

The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

- Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
- Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
- Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
- Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

7 Possibly Unknown Things About Myself 

1. I love Mozart sonatas - both to play as well as listen to
2. I am allergic to aloe vera
3. I drink coffee (especially love a hazelnut latte) but can't stand anything coffee-flavoured
4. I love anything chocolate-flavoured but don't care for actual chocolate as a confection
5. Unless it's Reece's pieces - which I can never have too much of
6. I am afraid of flying things - birds, butterflies, bees, moths
7. and I do enjoy my whisky & soda

And here are 15 of my favourite blogs : (this might seem repetitive since I just did a post of blogs I love to visit, so I've also tried to include some others...)

Aisha
Kitty - The Submissive Wife
Conina @ Exploring Surrender
Faerie learns to fly
Slightly Naughty Princess
Poppy's Submissions
Renee Rose ~ Closet Girl
Sweet Surrender by the other Kitty
Mrs Soft Bottom's Life Under a Firm Hand
Smiling Belle's Journey
Down the Rabbit Hole
Lil's Submissive Sanctuary
Riley's Vanilla Extract
A Dauntless Journey
Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds

You don't have to play along and continue this thread... no one's gonna spank you if you don't, but if you do, come back and let me know that you did!

My Love, I Love You

"Just as you help me overcome my inadequacies and insecurities, so am I committed to helping you become more comfortable with being verbal within our relationship. So instead of shying away from telling you I Love You because I'm afraid you won't tell me you love me, I'm going to say it as I feel it. And you feel it too, I know you do. 

"I don't always say it; I've stopped myself many times. So many times it hurts, and I drive myself mad. And I may have driven myself to madness and self-inflicted pain with my ex boyfriends, but I refuse to subject myself to that with you of all people. So I'm not going too cheat myself out of saying I Love You anytime I want to.

"If you can't, or won't, or don't say it then that's your call. But if that causes a problem between us, then let that be the problem we fix, and not my self-imposed gag order on saying I Love You. 

"So since you DO love me, and you KNOW how detrimental it is for me not to be told it, I'm quite sure you'll want to reassure me enough to say it back. I doubt it'll be a case of saying it "just for the sake of it" because there is already truth in those words. 

"In the long run (taking you at your word about this subject the last time I kicked up an emo fuss) I hope to get you comfortable enough saying it that maybe it'll just flow naturally from you and not only ever be a response.

"And my duty, as your sub, is to let you know when I'm not feeling connected (spanking, making love) and when I'm not feeling cared for (instructed, given rules) and when I'm not feeling loved (spending time with you and hearing you say you love me).

Pawe Strykowski (?)

"Cos when I am feeling loved and owned and connected you always know - I always tell you either directly, or via text, or on my blog. So there shouldn't be a reason why I can't tell you when it's NOT happening right for me too. 

"I always worry that I'm TOO much effort if I do. But you've told me enough times that I shouldn't worry that your love is conditional (I'm ignoring the BIG other definition of 'conditional' here which is anything that applies in direct relation to your being married).

"So if you say I'm stuck with you, which you DO, and since I'm quite happy to devote myself to you (and I SO am), then I'm gonna quit feeling insecure and build the relationship I always wanted. And I'm gonna stop worrying that if I said I needed something you would automatically give up on me and walk out. AND if you do I'm taking the stance right here and now that it won't be my fault. But I know you won't cos you're the greatest Dom on earth and you're MINE. My Dom. As I am yours. Your sub.

[ok, sorry, sister-subs, I mean he's the greatest to ME... as I'm sure your Doms are the greatest to YOU...]

"And I will be happy to sit by your feet, kneel by your side, give myself wholly unto you. And ONLY you. 

"And that might have been the strangest declaration of love and commitment ever! But it's MY declaration of love and commitment and of being your sub and believing everything you've told me and of becoming more self-assured all rolled into one. And it's all because of who you are, and all that I want to be for you - your good little girl, your lover, your friend, your slave, your submissive... Yours.

Spanked to Tears - A Decision Made

This will be short and sweet.

Initially I toyed with the idea of being spanked to tears.

Then we had a seriously painful spanking session which made me think I wasn't sure I'd be able to survive till  I got to the "tears" part and thought maybe I should abandon that idea. But by the next morning I wasn't so sure of anything anymore! 

Paddle Me Pink

We hadn't really decided one way or the other, thinking maybe we should get in a little bit more experience and practice with this whole spanking thing, what with trying out new implements recently and all that. 

Then Jake wrote this particularly insightful post. And then we talked about it today. 

And I suppose we've come to a decision. That we're not going to try to get there anymore. If it happens, it happens. But it's not going to be some sort of goal to strive towards. 

So there you have it. The decision has been made. Together. By both of us.

Hysteria and Spanking

Last night was awesome. I like having awesome nights.

BIKSS collected me from my workplace and we drove home. On SNP's recommendation, I got myself a copy of the movie Hysteria (2011).

Catch the trailer here :

Then go get yourself a copy of the film to watch with your significant other. We had a wonderful time of it - but that could also be because I abandoned my seat next to BIKSS halfway through to finish the blowjob I started earlier (and aborted so I could shower and eat... yes, I was being a tease) and so I really might watch it again since I missed some of it.

After I cleaned Roger up with a warm towel, we resumed watching the film with him draped on the couch and me kneeling on a cushion by his side and feeding both of us some kiwifruit from the fridge. I liked being on the floor by him, kneeling, sitting on my ankles, really. It felt right. Comfortable. 

After the movie I asked BIKSS if he wanted to continue watching Spartacus and he said "You ready for your spanking?" I said Yes and his reply was "Then we don't need Spartacus."

Ooohhh the tingles that went through me. Of course I was all calm and collected as I shut down the lappy and turned off the telly but inside I was doing cartwheels! The impending spanking was enough to thrill me, add to that the fact that he asked me so formally and in that undertone of his, I was over the moon with tummy-twisting anticipation. Into the bedroom we went.

This is the grand total of last night's session:

~50 hand spanks on the left cheek (I counted 55 but he said I must have skipped a few)

~approx 35 lashes with the suede leather belt (brought over a while ago but we never got round to trying)

~10 with the spoon (not so bad this time round, cos my butt was nice and warmed up I suspect)

~too many whips with the flogger - I didn't bother counting cos he was having SUCH a good time with it

~4 with his new (read: stiff) leather belt that he had worn that day - I asked him to try out just ONCE to see how the newness of it affected the sting. IT WAS PAINFUL! Clearly when I say 1 time he multiplies that as he feels like it. So 4 was what I got. When I complained he said he knew it would hurt crazy. So why didn't he just tell me, I asked... apparently so I'll be more careful about what I suggest in the future. 

Note to self - if you want to know if something is gonna hurt more, ask him. Don't ask him to TRY IT ON YOU.  Cos if he KNOWS the answer, you could spare yourself some serious pain. 

So take all that, add tons of cuddle time, drop a generous spattering of hand spanks in between everything and you've got a good idea of what my night entailed. 

Oh, and of course, another blowjob to say thank you for the spanking. 

And I've also realised one more thing that I like to do these days - I usually end up tearing from the gagging during a cock-worshipping session, not because he pushes Roger into me, but because I push myself as far over his cock as I can - cos I love his reaction when I do. So I'm literally gagging myself! Is that perverted? Maybe. But the pleasure it brings him makes it all worth it! 

Poll Results - 4th of July

In a bid to find out if there were others out there like me who were practising OUR kind of relationship outside of marriage, I set up a poll some time back.

Here are the results:

43   of you said you were married
4     of you said you were both single / dating
11   of you said either one or both of you were already married but having a TTWD outside of marriage
6     of you said you were in a long distance relationshp

Thank you for voting!

Come back and vote on the new poll soon!

10 of the Best

I was in the middle of replying Kitty's comment on My 3 States of Spanking when I decided I should just hop over here and write a post instead. 

First up, I slept later than I was supposed to, writing last night's multi-link post. And since the folks aren't with me this week, I had told BIKSS that if he was in the area I would be available for lunch. We didn't make any firm plans so I was gonna sleep in till noon (at least!) but thanks to my friendly (NOT!) neighbourhood rag-n-bone man, I was rudely awakened before my alarm went off by the incessant honking of his horn.

Honestly, (do bear with my ranting 'cos I just have to let it out) why do we still have 'em? With all the recycling bins around and everyone going electronic, there are hardly any used newspapers to collect anymore. What's more, old clothing and unwanted stuff are given away to charity and most people are at work at 11am anyway! 

So anyway, as he was honking away I reached for my phone and texted BIKSS - complaining about how I was jarred out of slumber. And to say good morning. And he says - Well at least you're up. Go brush your teeth. 

I tried to bargain for a few more minutes of lolling in bed but he let me know that if I wanted to lunch with him then I had better get a move on. That was enough to get me up and atom (I used to love that cartoon!) and I headed for the shower. 

After a nice lunch (take out), I got myself some dessert from Roger right there at the dining table - I went over and knelt in front of him where he was sitting - and after that I had some coffee as we chatted some more about random stuff. Nothing serious. Just before it was time for him to leave I asked him if Roger was up to another round. When I got a favourable reply I pulled him into the room and once he was comfortable I got to work. As I got up to get something to clean him with he reached backwards and landed one on my left cheek. I took my time looking for my wipes and he got in another 2 or 3 more. Then I returned to bed and wiped him down. 

As we rested a while he called me on the not-going-to-bed-on-time thing. 

Half an hour later than you were supposed to hmm?

(I shamefully buried my face in his shirt and nodded against his chest.)

And a little more than that even... (I was being honest at least!)

Mmmm lucky for you the honking got you out of bed in time for us to meet for lunch.

Well I WAS planning on sleeping in, since I don't have to work till 430 today. And if not for that honking I would have gotten enough sleep too!

And missed lunch. And...

I know, I know, even tho' the reason you want me to sleep early is so I'd have enough sleep and if I didn't I could sleep in later today if the honking hadn't woke me up, you'd be grumbling that if only I had slept on time like you told me to I would have been able to get enough shuteye AND wake up on time for lunch. And if I had missed it then I would have suffered by missing out on spending some time with you, and you would have missed the opportunity to come round and see me too. Just cos I wouldn't listen and go to bed when I was supposed to. 

That's right.

(But it all worked out and I was awake and we spent a good lunchtime together so he wasn't mad.)

Can you spank me please?

Now? OK, move over. 

I got off him and sat over to the side as he stood up and got behind me. I leaned forward and presented my bottom to him once again, a position I like very much (and so does he).  And after yesterday's discussion on talking about the intention of a spanking before he begins, he said to me, "You get 10 of the best on each cheek, for having lunch with me, and for the wonderful dessert after!" 

And I did! 

Have You Met...

...Ted? (Don't you just love Barney?)

But I'm not talking about that right now.

I've to finish this post in 5 minutes so I can go to bed. I doubt I'll succeed, but I just could not leave this till tomorrow. While I was catching up on my blog reading it occurred to me that I should share my favourites so others can go check them out too.

Here they are, in no particular order of merit (my tabs just happen to be open in this particular sequence):

One of my favourite reads: Kitty - The Submissive Wife and one of the first few people to hold my hand and tell me I wasn't alone in all this.

A must-visit for me, for the awesome pictures and 'links to kinks': Spanky's Bright Bottom... while you're there check out his CWS page.

Also, you might like to read about what's going on in T's life at Part Time Submissive and follow Smiling Belle's Journey through TTWD too.

Spanking Stories by Celeste is where I go to for short stories to fill in a boring day at work. And on the topic of writers, have you met Renee Rose? New to TTWD, she's exploring in her REAL LIFE all the stuff she's been writing about in her books! Hurray!

The other place I go to for steamy stories and real inspiration is Conina's Exploring Surrender - another favourite of mine, and also one of my first few blog friends. Be sure to check out her floggers or learn how to make your own. (Thanks for sharing!)

And if these aren't enough, there's a whole list of blogs to read on My Bottom Smarts - where Bonnie does Sunday brunches too!

For some insight into the Dominant's mind, I like reading Jake's blog (there are some steamy recipes too!) and a couple of others - these are two posts I particularly enjoyed from Dauntless Vitality (The Fear Of...) and Sir J (Because I Can).

I also read The World of Joolz cos like me, she's exploring TTWD outside of a marriage. It comes with its own set of challenges - I would know - but is still highly fulfilling and many of the issues are similar to those faced by other married couples. 

Also new to TTWD is Kat - who, by the looks of her most recent post, is moving along quite happily! (Like me, she likes lists too! A kindred spirit, at least in that respect.)

And finally, here's a post that I found to be very meaningful. It's on The Dish with Ward and June. This is my favourite line :

The sub may never endeavor to diminish her quality with self-depreciation. 

And it took READING it in print for me to get it. I asked BIKSS if this is what I'm doing when I, erm, [do the thing I do that he doesn't like me doing] and he said YES. So I am to try and remember this as much as possible.  

And now I'm late. It's half hour past the time I was supposed to go to bed. So in the style of Frasier, Goodnight everybody!

[UPDATE: I must have accidentally clicked twice on one of the tabs as I finished with it cos the one with Faerie's blog disappeared too and I didn't realise it until now! Please accept my humble apologies for missing her out - and so, here she is, also one of my earlier friends and favourite blogs to read, I vote this post the Love Story of the Week!]