Dr. Livingstone I Presume

Those are the words he uttered that made me realise how smart he is. Well-read, at least. We were talking about discovery. I countered with "Missionary in South Africa... how is that relevent?" We went on to debate this. It was a tenuous connection at best, he agreed, but I let him have his victory. (Hey, the man can use "tenuous" in a sentence!)

There are things I'm discovering about myself these days. Whenever I get angry I run off and rebel. BIKSS said to me yesterday that it's a terrible thing to do- he calls it my Self-Destruct Gene. "And we need to get it out of you... " I nodded. I hadn't given it much thought before. But he's right. (The clever man.) It IS self-destructive. When I lash out and do stuff to spite the ones I love (usually after a fight), in the end it's usually stuff that is capable of hurting me and me alone.

I also realise that no matter how I loved and trusted my partners in the past, there was always a part of me lurking in the shadow ready to pounce whenever they laughed or commented about something I did or said. I would get defensive and immediately assume it was meant to deprecate or demean me in some way or form. I don't know if it's all my head but I realise that with BIKSS he often laughs (chuckles is the word, really) at the things I say or do (yes, even at sensitive moments like when we're having sex) and so far I've NEVER thought that it was anything more than good-natured amusement/amazement at what I said/did. I asked him today about it, and I think he must have realised that maybe laughing after I squirted may not have been the kindest thing to do - but I really did not take it badly at all. And I told him so. I was just curious as to why he chose that moment to chuckle. He says it's like an amazing discovery - hence the Dr Livingstone conversation - and my reaction to what just happened intensified the chuckle. Something about seeing the little girl hidden inside of me coming through. I guess not immediately becoming defensive means I trust enough that he would NEVER ever do anything to diminish or belittle me. And that kinda makes me feel glad that I'm not cynical enough to not be able to trust somebody ever again. It just means he's gotta be worthy of that trust.

The irony is that here I am, broken and damaged from years of emotional abuse at the hands of my exes (da bastards... LOL) *yes, I'm being overly dramatic* and in swoops my knight to rescue me and fix me up (for me, as well as for him, he says, "Cos I'm still The Knight and it's kinda hard to save you if you have that gene") when really at the end of the day all this fixing up could very well be for the benefit of some other fella. And that's another thing I'm discovering. I don't WANT another fella. I want this knight.

Artist: Gustave Doré

But all that having been said and done - it's a wonderful feeling to bask in the knowledge that he knows me so well, to the point that he makes me see stuff I don't want to look at; that he would know to pick the right time to bring up a subject, and say what needs to be said to get me to want to work at becoming better. Isn't that what TTWD / TiH is all about? He may not be mine in the conventional sense but I do know that I am his, and he is my lord, my leader, my guide.

Quality Time At Last

*Long Post Advisory - Hey, I haven't seen BIKSS in almost a week... cut me some slack!*

Last week we went through some crazy incidents. I was hoping that after the 3rd (and most major of them) the bad streak would be over. And I'm happy to announce, it is!

I had a lovely evening with BIKSS today. And aside from the lead up to today's meeting all in all it was rather easy-going and, you could say, quite vanilla. 

You see, yesterday he sent me this pic :

And of course since I hadn't seen him in almost a week I was yearning like crazy for us to tangle legs among sheets just so. And I told him that I was looking forward to it. His next instruction was that I was to send him a photo of my behind in a thong after my shower. Of course this immediately got me turned on.  He wanted THIS:

 

Which he got. In multiples. But just for the heck of it, today I sent him the same pose wearing this:

with a bonus front view shot too! The reply I got was "Oh, you're definitely wearing this get-up this afternoon. Keep it on under your robe."

Yes! Mission accomplished. I love dressing up for an appreciative audience, don't you?

=========================================

Over the next four hours we kissed a lot, and each time after one of us came he pulled me into him and cuddled me close. We would lay there and breathe in each other's scents, and talk and talk and talk.  Not all serious stuff, but some. We talked about what happened last week, about why it did, and how we didn't want it to happen again; we talked about work, and people we knew; we talked about the sex we just had, the relationship we were developing; we rambled and just let the conversation flow. 

He took a couple of work calls and I took the opportunity to go down on him and put Roger in my mouth. At one point all he was saying was "uh-huh, uh-huh"... I told him later on that if I had upped my intensity the sounds that would be coming out of his mouth would probably be more "aaaah" than "uh-huh"!

His first cum was in my mouth- after not having one since the last time he was with me, I was warned. It was massive. A full meal, even. There were also a few "firsts" today : the first time BIKSS inserted a plug into my butt; the first time he fucked me with a plug up my bottom (cum number2); the first time he took ol' Lilac (my trusty vibe) out of his own volition and proceeded to hold it at my clit so I would cum for him. AND it was the first time I squirted for him (not counting the "leak" I mentioned a while ago.)

Now it has to be said at this point that the only other person I ever squirted with never made me feel embarrassed for it or anything... but because I experienced this for the first time rather late in my sex life I think I felt abnormal at having done it. And he didn't treat the incident carefully enough so much so that it only ever happened one other time and then never again. I think I consciously stopped myself when I felt it was about to happen so as not to have to deal with the soaked sheets and wash-up and the nonchalant manner in which my then-boyfriend viewed it.

But since I was not in control of ol' Lilac today, and I had some massive finger-fucking going on in my pussy at the same time, I suspect my brain finally connected to my orgasm and got the message through that all power and control were currently RELINQUISHED so perhaps some part of my subconscious could finally let go totally. I DID still feel slightly embarrassed. Not that I knew WHY. It was just a feeling and I shared it with BIKSS cos he asked (cos I was behaving rather sheepishly I guess).  And the wonderful man went and grabbed his fone and wiki-ed it. I said I'd read up too, previously, and all the sites said it was supposed to be a couple of spoonfuls worth of fluid so mine felt wrong, somehow. Then the wonderful man went and looked up some videos of women squirting to show me what I looked like (and also to convince me that there really is quite a lot of liquid and not just the couple of spoonfuls like I'd read) - at the same time reassuring me that it wasn't pee because 1) it didn't smell like it, 2) it came in bursts of squirts, not a continuous stream, and 3) it left his hand a little sticky. *GOSH*

(I would love to hear your comments on this PLEASE... tell me more about your experiences with squirting / gushing / water flowing forth cos I'm SUCH a noob.)

So anyway after being all warm and cuddly and reassuring I thanked him by putting Roger in my mouth again. As luck would have it he had more calls to take so I left him to it while I busied myself with his cock. At some point he hung up, shut his eyes and made delicious going-to-cum sounds and then exploded again in my mouth. 

There was more talk and more cuddling, this time not so much in our usual way, with me half lying on top of his chest while he lay on his back,

but more enveloping (his word, not mine) with both of us on our sides facing each other.

He spent plenty of time touching my face, kissing me; I smooshed my lips all over his lips, his face... If you look up the translation for "kiss" in Malay you'll get a whole list of related words that involve smelling, scent and sniffing. That's basically what I do, mostly - press my nose up against his skin and take a deep inhale while planting a kiss with my lips at the same time. In my mother-tongue we call that "cium" (pronounced CHEOM).

"I'm glad that despite what happened last Friday you didn't go off and grab smokes..."

"You know why? Cos even though it sounded to both of us at one point that this was going to be over, I'd die trying when it comes to keeping my relationships going, and I still loved you, you cow, that's why."

At this point he pulls me in for the mother of all kisses, and then guides my hand down to his crotch where Roger's clearly awake. Again. Apparently because I told him I love him. *Smiles* I instinctively stroke his cock and he starts to do the thing he does with my nipples and then pulls me up into a sit, while he stands in front of me... I lean forward greedily and put Roger in my mouth again, sucking and licking, and stroking him  for all I'm worth. "I'm probably not going to be able to cum again, but man this feels damn good!"  Well, let me say, he DID manage another one. 

*I didn't include any particular mention of spanking because it was EVERYWHERE! I had my bottom smacked like never before and in every and any position he was able to reach my bum. When it began to hurt he kept going. When I said it stung he let one more land in exactly the same spot. When he asked if it was painful and I shrieked a YES he continued anyway. And at one point he landed some particular smarting smacks and said "These are for Kitty". (I told him I'd be sure to mention it...) It got to a degree that even a light tap of his fingers on my cheek brought the sting back up to the surface. Heaven. 

Recap

I spent a large part of yesterday with an old friend. We haven't kept in touch regularly because he got busy, I got busy, he got married, had a daughter, and well, life got in the way.

But over the last couple of months or so he's tried to reach out, asking if I was available for coffee and a chat. Sometimes I would go, most of the time I had other commitments so I told him I couldn't make it. 

Recently we did go out. And I realised that he'd been wanting to meet because his marriage was in trouble -they're getting a divorce, he wasn't getting enough work to sustain the studio,  he didn't seem to be able to rely on his other friends for any good advice and he needed a sounding board. So be a sounding board I did.

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And in the midst of talking he mentioned Taken In Hand and how sad he was that his wife was totally unaccepting of even listening to what it's all about. Now this is news to me and it was the first time I was hearing anything about this topic being spoken OUT LOUD, by anyone, let alone him. 

You see, he's the most mild-mannered, non-alpha male, giving-in person I know. His wife on the other hand comes across as slightly brusque and no-nonsense and I sometimes get the sense she feels rather dismissive towards him. Not a good relationship, I know, but hey, I'm the outsider here. It's not like I could have saved them. 

While talking to him a little bit more about TTWD I admitted to him that I was involved with someone and we were exploring such a relationship. At this first mention that I always wanted a D/s relationship, he thought I wanted to be Dom. LOL. I, of course, corrected him. No, sub.. sub. Sheesh. He was intrigued to learn that I could feel this way, given that I'm such a domineering, arrogant (some say... though I disagree!), bossy, confident woman. 

We began talking more about this and came to the conclusion that (in heterosexual relationships) it would seem easier for a girl to approach her bloke about this than for the guy to introduce this to his female partner. I think in a world where many women have fought for gender equality and stood up for feminism, this type of relationship may be misconstrued to be a regression in terms of women's rights. 

On the other hand I'm sure those of us who are PRO-TTWD and have become strong, independent, successful women (in our own right) would disagree. I personally think that  because I am a woman, it is fine to expect of me all that I am OUTSIDE the home BUT I also have every right to be treated with tenderness, to be looked after, to be guided, to be taught, and to be watched over so as to prevent anything from harming me - be it physically or psychologically or, indeed, emotionally. 

And knowing what I know, feeling what I feel now that I am able to experience a TTWD relationship, I realise that the connection I have for my other half is SO intense (way more than any typical run-of-the-mill relationship) it can only be a good thing. Don't I have a right, as a woman, to have this experience? 

Firm Believer

On Sunday nights I regularly have 2 of my best friends over for a simple dinner (4 out of 5 times I cook) and then we chit chat about our lives. 

Nothing spectacular here except that we're all 3 subscribers to the whole Law of Attraction / Universe / The Secret stuff. 

And because we feel it's important to be surrounded by like-minded people, we get a lot out of these weekly dinner-cum-chats. For me, it's the end of a hectic week and the longest day of work (Sunday is my full day and I'm extremely glad to be home after work), for them, it's the end of the weekend and the lead-up to another long week ahead.

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But we all feel that the positive energy we each get out of this is JUST what we need on a Sunday night. It's a great way for me to let go of anything that might have stressed me out at work, and a better way for them to start a new week than with the dreaded Monday Morning Blues. 

One of the premises of this theory (and I'm being VERY simplistic in my explanation here) is that if you leave it up to the universe and believe that you will receive what you need, it will send you exactly that which you desire.

On the way home earlier I was beginning to wonder if a TTWD relationship could work when the 2 people involved weren't married / in a legit relationship. I was wondering if the other people who read and comment on my blog do so with some judgement of our illicit affair. I was worried that the couples who ARE in committed marriages (read: real and open and accepted relationships) might think that I was only "playing" at this TTWD thing cos it wouldn't work otherwise.

I was beginning to doubt myself and my choices and decisions. And then the universe took me to posts and blogs that showed me that I wasn't the only one involved in a non-conventional relationship (TTWD aside of course). There are those in LDRs; those who are married (some with children) but whose Masters aren't their husbands, who have subs who aren't their wives; those who are single and involved with married men / women ... I feel less alone now. Less singled out.

And glad for it.

Exposed Butt

Nothing much happened today. School was good. Kids were great. My sit-in was nice and chatty. 

BIKSS was asleep most of the day after fishing all night but we had a nice time chatting in the evening... and he asked if I was keen to try a paddle. Not something I would have brought up but the idea that he would is turning me on rather unexpectedly. 

We talked some more about the "almost" break-up. I guess it'll be better to talk face-to-face when we meet on Tuesday. He's trying to arrange a couple more meetings this week so I'm hoping to get in some quality time just being close. 

And in the face of all the emotional stress, despite having the avenue and invitation to hang out with the boy upstairs and undoubtedly end up smoking, I chose instead to stay home and wait it out till things got sorted. 

BIKSS asked me today if I went and smoked last Friday after we fought(?) - if that's what it was. No, I was happy to report. *Pats myself on the back for my resilience.* The praise I got from him was music to my ears. And sent a warm fuzzy feeling all the way to the bottom of my tummy. He's also promised me some bonus spanks :)

That's the thing with me tho. One of my failings, one which I struggle with constantly, is that I have a bratty habit of turning around and being defiant and rebellious and doing the thing which spites them the most after I have a fight with someone. It's my way of lashing out I suppose. I'm not proud of it. But it's part of me. 

In the past whenever I've gotten into an argument or fight with a partner there comes a point in my brain where I think, "This is the moment. Tell me to stop everything this instant. Take command of this situation that is spiralling downward so uncontrollably and give me the reassurance I need that you can handle this, handle me." So far it hasn't happened. At that point I get exasperated and mentally walk out. The "doing something to spite them" action is merely a physical representation of my emotional state. It's like I'm saying "Look at me do this thing you hate... because you can't stop me. You can't control me. You can't take me in hand...and if you want me NOT to do this, then please DO something about it... PLEASE!" 

But that just doesn't work now, does it? I've tried explaining this thought process but they just don't seem to get it. At all. 

Anyway, I was looking at paddles on my favourite webstore and saw this in their lingerie store

I'm thinking it's the PERFECT outfit for a spanking! Thong - optional. LOL.

Gone Fishing

There used to be a little chippy shop at the corner of the marketplace. We'd never know if the guy was there or not, cos it was near the jetty and often we'd find a little chalkboard hanging over the front of the open bar  with the words "Gone Fishing" scrawled hurriedly across it.

This means, of course, that if we'd made a trip out there specifically for the sole purpose of getting some food, there's always a chance we'd be disappointed. So we never went out of the way to eat there. It was more a case of "hey, we're in the area, let's see of he's open today."

This weekend kinda feels like that. Like our Relationship went fishing. It was absent, an unexpected absence; it disappeared without any indication of whether it was ever coming back. The Relationship decided that it was going to pack up, close shop, and disappear for a while. The nerve!

It was NOT GOOD. And the cause of all the recent consternation. Whatever BIKSS and I had developed over the last couple of months seemed to be fast disappearing into a black-hole that was made up of assumptions, guilt, projections and unwarranted worry. One question led to another, no one was really answering anything. We were saying what we thought the other wanted to hear. *Rolls eyeballs*- never a good thing, I know. And yet we played this game anyway. Is this what you want? Shouldn't it be? That's not what I asked... Well, I'm just saying. What ARE you saying? Well, you know I can't, can I? I shouldn't anyway. You can't do what? But do you? Cos I do... Well, you shouldn't. 

Oh for pete's sake. It was driving me insane. So at the end of it all, I asked him the simplest question ever. Do you love me? Will you? And after everything else was stripped away- the fear, the worry, the guilt, the assumptions- the answer was Yes, I do; I will.

And just like that, all was right with the world again. (Well, not really, we talked a lot more about what went wrong, why the last 24 hours felt like I was drowning at the bottom of a murky lake, why he felt like it was a kick in the arse and how we could prevent it from ever happening again.)

On the topic of kicking in the arse, I told him that I had an image in my mind of my being naked and wearing some awesome high heeled pointed toe leather boots and scowling as I kicked his behind. (Since we'd already ascertained that it wasn't MY fault at all that what happened happened!) I said if I were Dom I'd whip his ass for sure, for causing me so much grief. And he sure had some serious making-up to do!

And true to form his reply comes back thus :

"Yes, and I suggest you get working on it"

                    "Me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I'm not going to get a spanking, so I guess it'll have to be you!"

                    "That was convenient... How do you justify that then?"

It turns out that since I managed to help sort out the mess and get us out of this funk, and I do so love being spanked, that's how he'll reward me for my part in solving our dilemma. 

Ah, well. I'm not complaining.

And where is he this lovely evening? As irony would have it, Gone Fishing.

Taking on New Meaning

I'm always amused at how a person can look at something and see one thing, and then 24 hours, a week, a month, a year later see something completely different. 

Things take on new meanings all the time. As do people, places, relationships. 

I'm feeling melancholic. And I love this song... and I love the way the Glee kids did it. Enjoy.

"But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new"

Do Dreams Always Come to an End?

Glee. Graduation. Some dreams come true. Some dreams get shattered.

What about the dream that I find myself floating through?

Is the bubble eventually going to burst? Has it already?

I'm watching this bit where Finn is breaking up with Rachel. To set her free, he says. For her to go to NY and live her dream... and he tells her he's going to pursue his own by joining the army.

wetpaint.com

What I don't get is how can it be one person's choice? She didn't even know about it till he was en route to the train station. And they were supposed to be headed to City Hall to get married too! I'm a bucket of tears right now. Not the first time today, I might add. And I'm not even anywhere close to PMS-ing. 

I suppose in a way he's doing what's best for her, and for them, cos he loves her that much and won't tolerate her delaying college for a year just so she can stay behind and help him do re-applications. I'm wondering if this is D/s at the core too?

Well. But that's it. He loves her. And she knows this. I suppose that's all she really needs to know to carry on. 

Me? I think there's a difference between knowing something's kinda sorta there... and hearing it. It's about the reassurance. And that's something that I crave right now. My emotions are stretched too thinly for me to be any good company today, and perhaps for me to be making much sense right now. I just needed to write...

Bad Things Happen in 3s

That's what my mum always said. 

 #1 Last Monday I ended the evening feeling a sudden loss. I need my 10 minutes. ok? Great. Settled. 

 #2 I thought we could cuddle on Wednesday. But cuddle time was taken over by DWD. But that's settled right? Great.

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 #3 Finally we can just be together today. With enough time to cuddle with no alter-egos making an appearance. But that might not happen now. Even if I get time with you it will be rushed and we'll be watching the clock. And finding out this morning upset me and put me in a mood. I knew it was bound to happen sometime; that a situation such as this would arise. But I wasn't prepared for the intensity of my emotional reaction to it. And so if bad things DO happen in 3s let this streak be over Please!

Tech Help Please

Ok when I look at my Blogger profile it shows this URL (for Fondlers Anon) but when I click on my profile pic on any of the blogs that I'm following, (in the Followers gadget) I see my name, and the blogs I follow, but I can't get to that set up page to type a LINK so that people can link back here. 

Help?

*EDIT: Never mind, I figured it out <GRINS>*

Vocabulary and Syntax

I've noticed that over this short period of time, with no explicit rules as to the choice of words we use, that our speech patterns have changed - and not in a bad way.

I'm not sure what MY changes are, if any. But I know BIKSS used to be all about the K/s and the I suppose so/s, and the Alright/s. These days, I'm hearing a lot more Good/s, I know/s, Yes/es.

clipartof.com

He's noticed it too. And made a point of letting me know that he chooses his words carefully. This is not news to me. One of the things that we both have in common that has allowed us to maintain such a stable, consistent friendship over the last 2 and a half decades is that we are both very particular about the words we use, either in speech or in writing.

I don't think my vocabulary has changed that much. If anything I should be looking at the syntax of my sentences. I phrase things differently, and the tone is much altered too. More reverent maybe?

Did anyone go through anything similar?

Pretty Pink Toys

Kitty, this is for you. :)

So that package that arrived? It had my anal training kit and a double entry vibe thing-a-ma-jig.

Unfortunately I couldn't play with ANY of it straight out of the box cos I was running out of the house to work. I put them away and left, eager to get through the day and get back home.

Which I eventually did. And play I did. 

There's nothing really much to report - the plugs are plugs. The big thing is a vibrator that comes with it. I tried the tiniest one. And while it's not bigger than the vibe I use when I'm having a DIY session with my ol' faithful, Lilac, it sure FELT different. I was texting BIKSS as I was fooling around with it. He was a little bit disappointed that he couldn't play with them toys together with me. But he knew I was excited to try them out so he didn't disapprove. 

Lying about and rolling on the bed with it inside me was great. It was a definite turn-on. And totally different from the time me and the ex played with a plug. That one didn't feel good AT ALL. (I chucked it out when we broke up.)

Then I had to get to the kitchen so up I got and WOW it feels different when you're actually WALKING around with a plug up your arse. Ok, so I managed that and came back into the room. I sat down on the edge of the bed and there was this voice, "Hello, this is your arse. There's a plug in me. So be careful where and how you plonk your plump butt down will ya?"

I finished sorting out the bottom drawer of the nightstand, which is why I sat in the first place, and got back horizontal on my bed. We were chatting comfortably via text, BIKSS and me, then the talk got steamy. And since I already had a lot going on down there, I was wet from the lube, wet from my own juices and VERY horny. 

So I announced that I was going to fish out my other new toy and vibe off! BIKSS was encouraging. :)

After I'd sorted the batteries out, I got going. The bumpy bit went into my pussy, and the smooth bit on my clit. It was pure pleasure. I'm usually rather quiet when I'm playing with myself - I can keep silent and cum and then just be all clinical about getting up and washing up and putting things away.

But today, with all my nether holes stuffed (and after having sent a pic of it to BIKSS) I was actually making all the appropriate sex sounds (and yes, I was alone) just cos it felt so good.

A funny story... at one point I think I was pumping my ass with the plug so vigorously that the vibe extension in my pussy started to move outwards. That plus I was happily contracting on the inside. So I stuff the plug back in, and move my hand to adjust the pussy vibe and when I had shoved it up again, the plug now slid out! I actually giggled. It got sorted tho. I managed to hold everything in place and then insert all the toys into their respective crevices. LOL.

After that it was smooth sailing. I bucked, I rocked, I moaned, I panted... and then I came. 

And then I just lay there for 10 minutes more, resuming the conversation with BIKSS who, cleverly, let me be for a while so that I could do what I needed to do.  But in the end the obsessive-compulsive in me kicked me out of my stupor and off I went to undo all the mess that I had made. Towel in the laundry basket, toys washed and dried and put away, bottom washed and wiped and clothed. 

BIKSS and I chat a bit more and I tell him, "I would be happy to be curled up beside you just doing nothing at all while you worked on your laptop". He says, "Yes, I know", and when I ask him how he knows this, he says, "Cos I can see it when you look at me." And he's right. I used to laugh derisively whenever I said these words to my friends in the most mocking voice I could muster- "What? I'm supposed to just sit there and gaze lovingly into his eyes, with adoration oozing from every pore of my being?" And believe me, I said this OFTEN - usually when I'm told I'm too bossy / independent / successful / intimidating for whichever guy it was that seemed to be interested but eventually decided they just couldn't handle the pressure.

But here I was feeling exactly that. Content to just be in his presence. I smile feeling all peaceful inside. He's a smart one. It's easy to be sub to him because he's so observant of the things I say and do, mindful of my wants and needs. How do you not fall in love with a man like that?

**Today's post was brought to you by the letter P and the colour Pink**

Pain and Performance

A while back I wrote The Pleasure of Pain and while I was just rambling on and on I think I was really trying to understand my own psyche. 

I just read a post on DauntlessVitality's blog about a Sub's psychology of pain-endurance. And it was spot on, well, for me anyway. Here's the bottom-line:

"The irony is that in some ways the pain is pleasurable as she feels her Doms pleasure in her taking what he is giving to her.  It's his control and the trust she has in him that enables her to go much further than she ever would otherwise.  This is when she feels most like herself and most at peace inwardly, as she pleases him and gives of herself completely to whatever he chooses to do."

Click here to read the post.

However I was thinking (yes, some more) about this a little and I realise too that it's not just about enduring pain. It's knowing he has control over me - that he possesses me - to the point that he could make me "suffer" and I would accept it without resistance. I know this turns him on too.

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I  get the same rush from being instructed to get into a position, to perform a particular task. In essence it boils down to this - I get very excited and feel immensely satisfied when I'm told to do something and I know I can and WILL do it because it pleases him. And because that's what the ultimate goal is, when BIKSS tells me what he wants me to do to make him happy, it takes away all the guess-work and makes it easier for me to do it.

*Gotta run - a package just arrived... gonna dig into the box and see what new toys I have.

Diary of Today

*Long Post Advisory - Read on only if you have time to spare*
*Actually, make that SUPER LONG POST advisory*



830am

Good Morning *kiss emote*

(sends me a link)

Look what you got me reading... sheesh.

920am

(sends him pic of boobs in shower)

The girls say good mornin' :)

(generic talk ensues about my blogging and his stalking)

930

You start lessons at 930 right?

935am

Yes but I may have the rest of the afternoon off 

(more random talk)

948am

Tell me if you have the afternoon off.

(convo about blog name)

1100am

By the way, I'm trying to arrange it such that I have an hour

or two off this afternoon.

1108am

OK, confirmed. I have the afternoon off. 

1115am

(sends me this pic) 

Would you do a set of keys?

Pendant

1117am

Yes I would. But the pic is for earrings so I don't 

know what kind of size you're looking at.

(go on talking about having me wear a necklace with key pendant - symbolic of our Arrangement)

(more talk about taking photos - which we've been talking about but never get round to doing)

1220pm

I'm touching my tits all the time these days. 

N my pussy's constantly wet.

U like that I'm ready for you all the time don't you?

For Roger...

(sends me a kiss emote)

I really do want you to spank me then just fuck me straightaway.

Then you can relax and have a slower more enjoyable cum

after that. I remember - you like a quick first cum.

I'm getting so horny thinking about you plunging into me.

With no preamble. No touching, fondling, licking.

Just straight into it.

1224pm

U gonna make me light headed as the blood rushes away from my head... LOL

1225pm

(I send him a pic and short vid of my playing with my tits)

1227

OK this is how it goes. I'll make time later and drop by and we'll fuck.

(The Afternoon Delight post describes what happens here.)

1243pm

How does it feel knowing I'm always ready to be fucked by you?

Or eager to have you in my mouth?

1243pm

Very good.

Very, very good.

1257pm

You touching yourself now?

1257pm

I'm done cumming LOL

(Blogging the Afternoon Delight post at this point)

(Talking about the song and 4-part harmony giving the musical part of my brain a mental orgasm)

(I get going on the laundry and get through a couple of episodes of Glee as I do,) 

(before settling in to bed for a much needed nap. I wear a purty lil nightie for him)

420pm

Drifting in and out of consciousness...

Even in sleep my pussy is moist

Ready for you

Always ready.

439pm

Good, cos I'm on my way

440pm

Ok. 

Let yourself in.

447pm

I'll call before I come in...

Keep your bedroom door shut...

I'll expect you in bed on your hands and knees...

Presenting...

Face in pillow.

Don't look up unless I direct you to...

Naked... by the way.

(Oh well, so much for that sweet lime green chemise and matching lace boyshort)

502pm

I'm already in position.

How far away are you?

My juices are dripping onto the bed.

I'm that horny for you.

Especially exposed and presented like this.

504pm

On the way up now.

============================================

I hear him. But I don't turn around. I've been instructed not to. I feel him moving about the room. I don't know what he's doing. Opening and closing the closet door? Moving the chair? Removing his shirt?

I breathe in anticipation. Feeling my juices make their way down the front of my slit... and dripping down to the bed. I am on all fours but with my head down on the pillow, bottom high in the air, torso, thighs and bed forming a triangle. I feel a finger. Lightly brushing over my wetness and the lips of my cunt. Exploring the area languidly. There's no rush, it seems. Then a smack on my bottom. I gasp and jerk involuntarily. And it has begun. The spanking I was looking forward to. The sweetness of the sting still lingers as I write.

A clever counterpoint of spanking, fingering, and caressing follows for a generous length of time. At one point his fingers are working on my clit so intensely that I lift my body away from the bed attempting to form an arch ... his hand presses on the small of my back, lowering me again, and discouraging me from trying anything further. Then a smack to reinforce his point. He is silent the whole time. The only sound I hear is my own voice going thru a range of octaves, from sudden high pitched gasps to low steady drones. It was awesome. 

IS there more than one person in the room with me? It feels like one hand is playing with my pussy... yes, there, another just delivered a smack on my butt, and what's that? fingertips on my shoulder blade... and another (or it could be the spanking one) running down my spine... and as my confused brain gave up trying to figure out how he is doing this, another 3 smacks land on my arse cheeks.

He pulls my legs backwards so I am flat on the bed now. Then lifting the pillow under me to the side of my head and turning me over I am flipped onto my back, pillow covering my face so that I am still unable to see anything. He fucks me this way... I get louder and he pushes down on the pillow to tell me I should be silent. I acquiesce immediately. He uses Roger expertly. At times just barely moving right at the entrance of my pussy, then suddenly and without warning plunging deep into me. He does this arbitrarily. Sometimes continuing with deep thrusts, at other times giving me just the one and then returning to the shallow teasing.

I can feel the round tip of his cock expanding and his thrusts moving more determinedly. He pulls the pillow away to look at the expression on my face and pulls out, spraying my belly with his wonderful, warm cum. 

I smile as he tells me to open my eyes. Wait. But was that just the exhaustion? Or did I hear a detached, brusque manner in his instruction?

I look at him coyly and all he can do is reach over with a wad of tissues and wipes up my pussy, almost offhandedly, then grabs some more to wipe up the cum on my tummy. He lays beside me and makes no effort to stretch out his arm as he usually does so that I can curl up in the space between said arm and body. I curl towards him anyway, and kiss his shoulder. We start to chat about something and after a few replies, quite in his normal tone of voice, I forget about the odd feeling in the pit of my stomach at his slightly unusual behaviour and carry on rambling. He cuts me off abruptly when I ask him a question with a "You're talking too much." The sting of his words was worse than the slaps I had gotten on my arse not 30 minutes ago. "Ok" I say. Confused. But I shut up and curl up even more into his space (or try to anyway) and continue kissing the side of his shoulder where my lips fall. After a while I look up at him and see his eyes are watching me... "What the fuck do you want?" 

I wail. "What's going on?" "Why are you being like this?"

"Like what? Fine. I used the F word. OK. What do you want? Better?" He spat out the words in a staccato.   

I wanted to cry. I felt like I was being gutted. Everything inside me was twisting, my head was trying to make sense of the whole thing. What did I do? Did I say something that pissed him off? In the space of 2 minutes? 

"Did you have a bad day? Are you pissed? Is this some new thing you're trying? WHAT'S GOING ON?" I panic and my voice is rising. He senses this and then smiles, laughs at me (not unkindly, he was very amused, I could tell) and then turns onto his side to put an arm around me to hug me close, one hand on my back, the other cradling my head. *DEEP EXHALE* Ok, it's all good. He'll explain now, no doubt. 

He gets to talking about how in every D/s relationship it's the sub who ultimately has control. Since we started this, he says, he's been reading a whole lot more about it and together with the needs I present before him, he reckons it's simple. Subs have certain needs, their Doms meet these needs, everybody's happy and gets what they want. 

I'm finally in the position I love best after sex... he carries on. "So what about today was different?" 

"You were curt and rough and sounded cross." I scowl. And cling on tighter to him. We talk about the specifics. And as a result of this exercise and exchange we come to the conclusion that there are many different things we will try in our Arrangement -some will work and some won't, for me. And clearly I didn't like his little experiment today, so we'll just stick to the regular BIKSS that I know and love so well. Oh, but then my sub brain got switched on again and I asked "But do YOU want it this way?" 

He laughs again. "No. We won't do this if it upsets you. You're not used to me being this way? Giving you instructions." 

"That's not it", I say. "It's more that you sounded so angry and cross. And I can take instruction up to the point we're done with the sex and you cum or I cum but in the cuddle space that follows I need my BIKSS!" And you could argue that I'm trying to top from the bottom but I say (and I think BIKSS agrees) that this falls into the following category:

"Even if a sub has consented to give up all their consent and engage in a total power exchange, they always have at least one choice left to them - they can leave the relationship. If the Dom isn't meeting their needs anymore, if they're unhappy most of the time, and no amount of polite requests have resulted in anything changing, leaving is the sub's best bet. There's no point in wasting time on a relationship that makes them feel bad and doesn't get their needs met. "
(from Submissive @ Everything2.com)

Not that I'm saying it's anything as drastic as that. But he and I understand that in *our* Arrangement, his Dom is there to meet the needs of my Sub.  And enforcing (or forcing) anything that doesn't fit for me would just result in a dissolution of the whole relationship. 

Oh, then it was blowjob time, more spanks on my left cheek and then as he was getting dressed and I was sitting demurely with legs curled up to the side he surprised me with a sharp thwack on the other cheek. And that was perhaps the best one of the evening. 

ADDENDUM:
I'm chatting with BIKSS now and he's exploring the change in his own behaviour. It didn't feel like it was him, he says, and the scary bit is that he didn't PLAN to be this way to experiment with my reaction either.  (Which was what I thought till now.) That side of him just came out and at that point he didn't think anything I did would have made a difference. When he agreed later that it was an experiment, I suspect he means he has been thinking about his inner Dom a bit recently and was possibly wondering how far he could (and would) go left to his own devices. It makes a lot of sense now why he agrees that it's his sub who's controlling this Arrangement. *shudder*

Afternoon Delight

I had been thinking about getting nipple clamps. But I've had some before that were just WAY too tight and painful. The kind that look like this:

So I thought maybe I'd get something that's a bit more adjustable. So it'd be painful enough to be hot but not crazy enough that I'd wanna chuck them in the bin. I saw these and thought they might work :

Then as I read more and more blogs and sites and other stuff I noticed a lot of folk talking about using clothes pins / clothes pegs. The ones I have at home look like this and since I don't use them anymore (I dump all my laundry in the dryer now) I fished them out and put them to use this afternoon. 

Just the right amount of pain to be more than comfortable but less than get-the-fucking-things-off-me, the gripping surface area of the pegs was large enough to cover a good portion of my nipple, the ridges on them making things quite interesting. I couldn't resist a little afternoon delight (reminds me of a song) so I hopped over to grab ol' lilac (true and trusted vibe) and settled in for a quickie cum. I texted BIKSS to tell him about my clever re-deployment of my innocent pegs. He laughed and said he was amused at my ingenuity. Well, I can't take all the credit. So thank  you fellow sub / dom bloggers. And hey, I wasn't doing anything else with them...

In the meantime... enjoy the song. It's one of my favourites.

ADDENDUM :
OMG I didn't realise the still of the videoclip would look like he had a burst of cum in front of his face. Apt tho... LOL

Apologies

For reasons that are too complicated to get into here, BIKSS and I felt it necessary to change the name of the blog. (I see some similar posts on other blogs regarding name changes...and am comforted that I'm not the only one with search engine issues etc)

So after letting it sit as Gen seX for a bit, I felt it was time to return to something a little more Fondler - related. So here it is - Fondlers Anonymous. by Fondlers Anonymous. 

Thanks for reading. 

(And sorry for any inconvenience/confusion caused.)

OCPD

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. You can look it up. But I'll just copy and paste the definition here shall I?

"Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. "

That would be me. And so I just have to mention a few things or else it would drive me insane.

[You see, sometimes I read my favourite blogs on my iphone in bed. So that by the time I want to write something and link it back to a related post I often can't find it. For this I apologise. ]

1- Someone mentioned something about losing a lot of weight for no reason. And she was wondering if being in a happy place (I call it sub-urbia in my head... where "sub" is Submission / submissive / subservient... pick one!) had anything to do with it. Well, since I started doing what I'm doing I've lost weight too. I realise it's not because of anything magical. I just want to be and look the best for BIKSS so I've been excited about swimming again, getting a nice tan in the process, eating better and most importantly NOT over-eating. (I'm also drinking less and as you all know, have quit the smokes... - I don't say TRY because as Yoda once said - Do or do not, there IS not try. Yes my life mantra comes from the mouth of a muppet.)

yoda.hepforge.org

2-  Someone else mentioned that her usual ritual of greeting her Master at the door when he returns was meant to put her back into (or reinforce) her state of submission but some days she just couldn't manage to get there at all. And she asked how other people did it. I was thinking about it and realised that I craved that symbolism / ritual too. (Again I say, OCPD) So I'm glad we sorted out the spanks-at-every-meeting thing. It's a huge relief to know that I have a guarantee of getting into my zone. Because a spanking most definitely will get me there.

3- Someone else talked about having a great sex life and how embarking on a TTWD relationship seemed to be the reason for this. I couldn't agree more. Every text I get between the days I see BIKSS is a reminder of his hold over me and my willingness to surrender to him. Either he's praising me for something I did well, or he's reminding me NOT to do what I shouldn't be doing... or I'm asking him to decide something  and complying is such a turn-on, or, (and this is my fave!) I'm sending him pics of various bits of myself because I know he enjoys this tremendously. Plus just getting a text from him makes me crazy-happy! So I'm having the best sex of my life EVER too! Just imagine if we WERE living together. I'd never want to leave the bedroom. Wait, what am I talking about... as it is, I never want to leave! LOL

4- Someone wrote a post about the comfort of knowing she could be free from the responsibilities of a gruelling day at work and just be held and relieved of all pressure when she was home and back in her husband's sphere of love and dominance. I take comfort in knowing that when I'm feeling antsy and messed up all I have to do is tell BIKSS and ramble on (ok, grumble) a bit (even via text this works!) and he'll put on his serious voice and be the man I need him to be at that moment. And I have to say, if it doesn't sound like we have a very typical er,      (insert initials of choice here)      relationship, it's because we don't. We're still best friends. That part hasn't changed. And for the most part that's how we chat with each other. He knows I'm feisty and I tease and that's what he loves. He's told me he wouldn't change that about me for the world. But when it counts, I listen to him. And we've both worked out (for us) where and when it really counts. (I'm defending myself to the blogosphere... what?)

5-  Someone asked if fellow subs felt like they just couldn't help but keep asking their Masters if they were  feeling ok, if they were happy to be doing the spanking, if they wanted more, less, whatever, if, if, if. I totally get it. I had been feeling as if since I'm the one who initiated this Arrangement that somehow BIKSS was only in it to make me happy. But since the last time I had that thought in my head we've talked (yes, some more!) and he's told me some things that now lead me to believe he honestly and genuinely feels good about doing what we're doing.

Right. That's it. I'm off to sleep now that I've said all the stuff that's been buzzing at the fringe of my conscious brain the last 24 hours or so.

What's It All About, Spanky?

contentsunstable.spreadshirt.com

So I've always like being spanked. Like in a sexual way. Something connects in my brain and my pussy gets wet. Immediately. 

When I first explored the Taken In Hand site (link on the rite) I noticed that there was a lot of talk about discipline spankings and how it's not supposed to be sexual or erotic. Wow. This was going to be a problem,  I thought.

Then I got involved with BIKSS and we spoke about this whole new type of relationship (new for both of us, but more him than me). It wasn't a formal arrangement... I just kinda started giving him the opportunity to tell me what to wear, where he'd like me to sit... after a while I realised he was a natural at this. So we talked about it some more. And eventually we both came to agree that there was indeed an "arrangement" of sorts between us. 

We're still discovering and exploring our relationship. And it's made even weirder by the fact that he's not my husband. And we live separately. I can't even say he's my boyfriend. Cos he's spoken for. (For details read our story.) 

Knowing that he's getting very comfortable with our arrangement (and even enjoying it) I approached the subject of spanking (outside of sex). His reply was a flat "I'm not going to spank you for discipline."

Ok, good. Cos I don't think I could connect the two. I HAVE however been reading Kitty's blogs (DD and The Submissive Wife) and then I dug around to get more info. It sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that maintenance spankings for her are somewhat pleasurable too. And yet I read elsewhere that ANY discipline shouldn't be "enjoyable". 

But then since we've set up the (non-)smoking directive, I wanted to sort this out right NOW so we wouldn't get any wires crossed and end up not knowing what was punishment (not that I want to find out) and what was sexual. 

So, since everyone says that what works for any couple is really and truly only for that couple to figure out, I tried to work it out in my head so that I would never have to see spanking as negative reinforcement. Only positive. The reasoning is simple. I'd rather be successful than fail and disappoint him. Especially since this is something *I* want but I know I need the help to do. I was the one who asked him to set it up as a rule so that I would be less likely to go back on my decision. And he did it for me. To help me accomplish this goal. He knows it's going to be really trying. And was a little reluctant (? I'm not too sure) because he was afraid I would just "hide" it from him and not admit when I did slip up. And then what would be the point? It would negate everything else that we had going in our Arrangement. Like I said, it's not like we live together.

Therefore these are the new terms. I will be spanked at every meeting as a reward for keeping to my no-smoking condition. It works as an incentive rather than as a deterrent. And if you don't know how much I love being spanked by him (again, I say, MEGA wetness here) this should give you some idea. The promise of getting spanked every time I see him (about three times a week) is strong enough an incentive to prevent me from lighting up between those days. Details are simple. If we're at my place, it's not an issue. If there is sex, it will occur then. If there isn't going to be any playtime (illness / time constraints / fatigue) then just a spanking on bare ass. If we're out having dinner / coffee / drinks and aren't going to be fucking, then a G-string and kneeling on the passenger seat of the car, facing the back and he'll find somewhere quiet to administer my spanking. "What about period days?" I asked him. "Then you get spanked through your panties. But you'll still get spanked."

(It's kinda like the position shown on the cover of Bottoms Up, only in a car.) 

Since I usually meet him after work (which is the most likely time for me to want to reach out and light up if I've had a stressful day - not always the case but on Tuesdays and Thursdays usually) this also means that I can look forward to a spank instead of a smoke, and once that's done I'll be less crabby, definitely happy (and wet, he reminds me) and ready to be sweet and subservient again. So it kinda works as a tool to get me out of "commander" mode and into compliant mode for him too. Ahhh I love it when I get a great idea.

Extracts of our convo:

Him: If we're out I'll go park somewhere and spank you
Me : Yes. I would like that very much.
Him: Roger likes that idea too.
.....
Him: So all's well then?
Me : Oh yes.
Him: Good.
Me : I DO love your spanks that much!
Him: Even better.
.....
Him: You're a smart one.
Me : You think I'm weird don't you?
Him: No. Desperate maybe.
Me : For spanks? Yeah... I'm a spank slut.
Him: LOL. Uh huh.
Me : And I don't think you smack my bottom enough.
Him: I will.
.....
Me : I stress out, you spank, I'm happy, then we're all good. Useful on multiple levels - distraction, reward and it'll keep me going till our next meeting.
Him: LOL. Consider it done.

I want to do cartwheels now!  Weeee!

________________________________________

P.S. I headed out to an old familiar haunt for coffee with a friend earlier and the thought of lighting up didn't even occur to me - not once. I came back and happily reported this to BIKSS. "Good Girl" he says "and I really mean that." ... reminding me of this post and how I can totally understand what impact those two words have.